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#FWD21 IMPact Wrestling Presents ImpMania II

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  • #FWD21 IMPact Wrestling Presents ImpMania II

    IMPact Wrestling
    ImpMania II
    AKA Imp On Ice AKA The Grand ImpTacular
    AKA Shouldn’t This Technically Be ImpMania 1?

    The latest royalty free saxophone instrumentals fill the arena at their funky free fee as all these older talents simply must come out to their expensive licensed themes.

    The card is ran down by our fabulously dressed ring announcer to the realisation of the jarring amount of variety on this show. I mean Jesus Christ is this going to be a rollercoaster. Call this the RoyalImp Variety Show, because damn wowie these flows are going to have some tasty, delicious ebs.

    You know what they say about trying to please everyone… they all get pleased!

    Atsushi Onita vs Hayabusa


    Opening the show with a bang. LOTS OF BANGS.

    Two legends of extreme violence exploding onto our new 4:3 realm of wrestling violence. The king returning after an absence against the prince who assumed his crown, a prince who also happened to be the coolest high-flying badass on the planet.

    A 15 minute time limit to quicken the pace, your lads given half the time they normally would to feel out the occasion and get t’ whippin’. Make sure you’re done before Big Bang Time!

    5 minutes of teasing to the ‘ooo’s and ‘aaah’s of the crowd, Hayabusa avoiding BANG-tastrophe with his athleticism as Onita’s wise experience tries to grant him early control. Eventually just grabbing the lad round the ruff of neck and dragging them both into the cage wall.

    A BANG of sparkles, a crash of light, an ARGH SURPRISE BURST OF RINGSIDE EXPLOSIVES FIRE! Onita and his new red-coloured sleeve coat join Hayabusa on the mat.

    However Mr FMW’s a mad man determined, stumbling to his feet and immediately attempting to whip Hayabusa into another cage wall. Which he does! BANG! FIRE! Aaargh! Hayabusa’s cool waist scarf trapped in the wire as he tries to wriggle free from the pain.

    Confident and in control, Onita goes for one more. Only for Hayabusa to halt his own momentum with a cool slide and counter a charging Onita into the cage! Aaargh! BANG! FIRE! Both men broken and bloodied.

    The 3 minute siren whirs! Desperate attempts securing no victory as Hayabusa realises there’s one cage wall left, but bloody Onita keeps countering him to try and snatch that pin.

    The final 10 seconds hits, Hayabusa goes for one last second athletic charge… and is countered! Sent flying into the cage wall as the announcer cries, “Two! One!” BANG! FIRE! Quickly joined by BOOM! EXPLOSION! A puff of smoke filling the arena as the ring disappears in a gulf of cloud and smoke.

    Spreading so much the audience is asked to temporarily step outside for the 30 minutes so the arena can be aired out.

    Aaah that’s why these matches don’t go on firs-

    Big Daddy vs Vampire Viscera w/Gangrel

    You want to know where the beef is? Here’s the BEEF, pal! This come-down bout, as the crowd filters back out, features two beefy boys bumping that meat!

    Ministry Viscera paired alongside Gangrel with the two in full vampire gimmick! The two doing Gangrel’s awesome entrance (with the greatest music in wrestling history pulsing) is easily the only good part of this lumbering match.

    British hero Big Daddy playing the role of a much fatter, and much less able, Van Helsing. Unfortunately unable to slay the demon, or seem competent of doing so in any manner. Toppling right out into a 5 minute count out draw, sizzling to nowhere as they walk and lightly club each other to the back.

    After that insane opener we’re bringing that crowd right down! Give me time, they’ll soon learn to stop popping for that awesome Gangrel music.

    Tables Match
    Public Enemy vs The Pitbulls

    What do you want?
    When do you want them?

    Everyone goes through tables! The Opra of team based wood carnage, “You go through a table! And you go through a table! And yoouu go through a taable!” Both teams arguing about who is the more extreme, when in reality they both are. All four men simultaneously crashing through tables in our second draw of the night.

    In a… I guess show of respect, after the match they all stand together waving their hands to Here Comes The Hotstepper. I’m the lyrical gangster, naa nana na naa.

    UWF Rules
    Akira Maeda & Minoru “Sexy” Suzuki vs Gary Albright & Don Frye

    From a table smashing extravaganza to ordered chaos, it’s time for a FIGHT.

    Speaking of steak, two supporting members of the UWF invasion come up against two houses in Albright & Frye! Stiff kicks and strikes galore, with Albright tossing folk about just in the name of fun. Maeda turning serious to try and take down Frye as young rookie Suzuki tries to impress.

    In the end the two black trunk clad battlers are able to separate their opponents and open up Albright. Maeda choking the big man and elbowing the head over and over as Suzuki looks handsomely out on guard.

    He’s out! But Don Frye ain’t taking no loss like that, up onto the apron in a burst and SMACK Suzuki falls out cold – laying on the mat looking more handsome than ever. Maeda stands the man down tall, both lads got their heat and now it’s time to brawl!

    Security charging down to separate the two as they continue to swing at each other, dammit we’re not giving this heated battle away for free!

    Marc Mero w/Pamela Anderson vs Ahmed Johnson w/Sable

    Racial overtones fully intended! Shame on you WWE, you knew what you were doing. But Ahmed Johnson’s the babyface here so we’re not booing them doing it, hooray we’ve avoided th-

    Ah piss, errr, her ex isn’t pissed because he’s black! It’s because…. ah shit quick, cut to ad break. What do you mean we’re on Pay Per View? Ah shit! I’m sorry I said the one thing you told me not to. Err, the package! Yes play the video package! PLAY THE DAMN VIDEO PA-

    Mero can easily replace Sable and find someone ten times the woman she wishes she was! In a scenario which goes really, really well for him… he brings out PAMELA FREAKIN’ ANDERSON. Seemingly oblivious to his ploy but happy to accept the paycheck to advertise the new season Baywatch.

    I have no idea if the times align, I was toddler then… but we’re rolling with it, baby!

    Mero cheekily teasing and seemingly more focused on showing off to everyone, be it the better wrestler to Ahmed, the more entertaining showman to the crowd, that he has the hotter woman to Sable and just how ‘cool a dude’ he is to Pamela Anderson… who’s disinterested as fuck.

    Our man Marc gleefully rolling into Comeuppance Town.

    Anderson refusing to help him cheat, with Mero eventually getting frustrated to the point of jumping to ringside and shouting at her to help. Sable checking on her as suddenly both women have turned on him! A slap from Pamela! Slap from Sable! And grounding slap of force from Ahmed (cheeky bugger getting in on the fun).

    Tiger Bomb, 1, 2, 3. Pamela and Sable raise his arms, dual kiss on the cheek before the three walk up the ramp in arms. Mero throwing and absolute fit in the ring in the face of it all falling apart, wailing at the unfairness of such unwarranted violence.

    Barroom Brawl
    Fabulous Freebirds vs Hardy Boyz

    Freeee as a biird.

    The former mentor for young Jeffery and Matthew turned on his Boyz for that one, last Fabulous ride, maaan.

    The Freebirds taking out Hardy friend Shannon Moore, the glorious haired youngster left bloodied bar-side as Hayes & Garvin take shots of whiskey before putting their shades on. Flicking their balding, thinning hair behind them as they laugh at how much this’ll piss off those Hardy Youths.

    In their possibly unwise youth, our fresh and clean shaven Hardyz with a rad ‘Z’ step up to dare a challenge face to face, “Attack our friend behind his back? That’s because you couldn’t beat down one man never mind two in a fair fight.”

    Hayes & Garvin taking that as literal as possible and a local bar has been hired out to house this brawl! Live across the street from [location]INSERT HERE[/location] as IMPact Wrestling’s glove clad referee initiates our immediate charging

    This brawl lives up to it’s name, with The Hardyz bringing it but getting shown up for being out of their element. These Freebirds may smell a bit now, but for a decade they lived on bar brawls every week!

    A smashed bottle dazes Hayes but grounds Matt Hardy, Garvin attempting to choke out Jeff with a snooker cue… but what’s that? It looks like the ceiling was receiving a fresh paint of coat and there’s a ladder in the background! Swanton onto the snooker table! OUCH! Plus it doesn’t break because, yeah, it’s an actual table.

    Broken back Jeff falls away, the pinfall’s not enough and Matt gets launched all over the bar. Ending with the Hardyz fighting back, three duel bottle smashes and Stereo Twists of Fate on the hard wooden floor to leave the ol’ men laying.

    Cruiser-IMP Championship
    Dr Wagner Jr vs Kendo Kashin

    Is it a boat? Is it a plane? No, it’s a Light Heavyweight division title. The Cruiser-IMP boys set sail!

    Back to the arena we go for this feud between former tag team partners, both successful Best of the Super Imps (BOSI) competitors, but the jealousy of championship success runs real and Kendo’s… “Kashin” in.

    He ain’t winning though, this our vehicle to elevate Dr Wagner Jr, a convincing win over the man he’s grown up through the division with. His luchador ways winning out over Kashin’s strikes, splashing from on high for the win. A semi-contested bout, but it always looked like Dr Wagner Jr had his number.

    A lengthy reign awaits! Continuing to prove himself before his ultimate elevation to great heights.

    Big Lads Doing Big Lad Wrestling Championship
    Mike Awesome vs Test vs Masato Tanaka

    In a clerical error, suddenly Masato Tanaka finds himself available for a last minute surprise! “This match is now a three way dance!”

    Ah shit, but he was hyping his booking elsewhere!

    Big lads with their big muscles taking MENTAL bumps, well at least two of them do, Test playing it a tad smarter as Awsome and Tanaka destroy each other. The third man just adding that pace to an already chaotic pairing: Ibushi bumps high on necks, powerbombs off of aprons and big boy tope’s bring the carnage!

    Our ECW rivals foaming, staring each other down like bitter rivals before Test ends both of them with unforgiving chair shots to the head. Obviously they kick out, this a lesson for Test in the land of extreme, not a sneaky success story.

    Mike Awesome retaining with a mighty Razor’s Edge to Test, but it wasn’t before they absolutely tore up the place. Test baptised in these extreme fires and Tanaka bruised and splintered, Mike Awesome bloody earned this retention.

    Warrior versus Warrior
    Ultimate Warrior vs Kensuke Sasaki

    Insert nonsencial ultimate babble on the power of the space universe gifting it’s aura to the one true warrior of time and humanity!

    Once upon a time Road Warrior Hawk was unable to team alongside Animal in Japan, in stepped big strong boy Kensuke Sasaki to temporarily sub in as the Power Warrior! Now the moniker returns as he dons the helm once more to throw down with the rambling American.

    Running both Warrior spirits in a pure dash of force and no selling. CHARGE! Sasaki launching a stiff Lariat, only for Warrior to immediately get back to his feet. Well two can play at that game! Lariat from Warrior only for Sasaki to rise back to his feet.

    Two brick walls charging at each other to no avail, but eventually Sasaki has to play professional… by weakening Warrior with the guard rail! It doesn’t work, Warrior Hulks up (or whatever his equivalent is), feeding off the power of the little Warriors and lamps poor Sasaki flat to his back.

    Gorilla Slam, Splash and win. Was there going to be any other out come? Arm raised immediately charging to the back as this short jolt of pure energy, if nothing more, comes to a close.

    Grudge Match
    Shinya Hashimoto vs Nobuhiko Takada

    We enter our slow burner for the night, two wrestlers at the top of their game. A match that legit sold out the Tokyo Dome as well as here in [location][/location] today.

    The head of the UWF invasion eyes his prize, Takada with the honour of showcasing strong style and proving its rightful place in a headline match against one of the industry’s most respected men. Having already beaten him for IMPact Wrestling’s top prize.

    Hashimoto smashed records as IMPact Heavyweight Champion, the longest reign in history ending as Takada himself was able to topple the crown. 50,000 watched on that fateful Tokyo night, Hashimoto making a surprise mistake and getting choked out by the UWF invader.

    Hashimoto enters this match to prove, not just to his Takada or his fans, but to himself that he can beat the UWF king. Starting off slow but building and building as both men land in blows, secure holds and wear each other down.

    Ending in a flurry of offence as it looks like the Tokyo Dome is to be repeated, Takada even catching him in the same way before Hashimoto powers out and grounds the man reversing into a clutch. Choking him out as he screams to the heavens, having to lock in so tight as to not give any escape.

    And he does it! Takada out cold, Hashimoto looking up high with a smile. He can finally rebuild his way back to the top of the mountain, proving he could adapt to the Strong Style and walk out on top.

    Main Event

    “A man some have called a legend. An icon. Or is he just a delusional, egotistical, self-obsessed maniac? I, Roddy Piper, will out the myth! Antonio Inoki is a good for nothing, wannabe mixed martial arts failure that’s nothing more than a stain on my driveway!”

    Piper first throwing Giant Baba at Inoki in attempt to show him up, the mind games at work the moment the Canadian eyed championship gold. Inoki made of steel, said to be an unflinching champion role model oozing respect, an impossibility in all of Piper’s reading.

    A champion and a good guy? Nah, not on his watch. You don’t reach the stop without cracking a few skulls.

    Using the history with Giant Baba AJPW/NJPW split, did nothing to waver the champion. Gladly taking on the challenge and declaring it a great success after house it drew, showing no sign of breaking to the frustration of Piper.

    The Bag Pipe man getting in the face of the champion, declaring his reasoning to be in showing the world the fraud for which Inoki and his grand legacy is. Getting an accepted challenge before leaving us with just one more thing… “We can’t have such a spectacle as grand as you and myself clashing in this sacred ring be ruined by our champion’s little tricks. And the big boss man agrees with me. So I’ve hired a special guest ringside enforcer and trust me, ain’t nobody getting past him. A man who knows you very well, Mr Inoki. I’m sure he’ll have a thing or two to say. Ladies and gentlemen… MUHAMMED ALI!”

    w/Special Guest Ringside Enforcer: Muhammed Ali
    IMPact Heavyweight Championship
    Antonio Inoki vs Roddy Piper

    A champion of normal steel in unsure surroundings, is he safe to take his eyes off the stoic and glaring boxing icon? Well he certainly can’t take his eyes off of Piper!

    Obviously taking full advantage of the ringside distraction, our villain of the piece uses all he can to stomp the champion down and take the vehement distain from the crowd. Miming a boxing stance before going in on the supposed icon once more, the plan working to fruition, but perhaps paired with too cocky a declare.

    Inoki standing through Piper’s strikes as fear started to enter his eyes, but knowing if he could get to corner by Ali then there’d be no way Inoki would maintain his focus. The king of the boxing world too much a threat, Ali beating him too big of a stain on his conscience to simply ignore.

    Unless, for example, there was this other bloke acting an unbearable prick right in front of him. Roddy using Ali’s presense again and again to fight back in, Inoki struggling to ground his opponent amid the constant momentum halting – a game Piper truly is a master at.

    Inoki getting the crowd behind him as his opponent continues to be a dick, powering out of submission, tensing his abs through punches and strikes. Muhammed Ali ain’t no idiot, the next time Piper tried something the boxing legend had had enough.

    Roddy in the corner, Inoki walking towards him when Ali steps up onto the apron! A smile creeping all over the cheeky bugger’s face as he eggs Ali on to lamp his opponent. But Ali steps back down, refusing to change the course of the match, well… not directly. Inoki charging at his opponent in the corner and drags Piper down in a choke! Wrenching back, legs wrapped round him and there’s no escape for Roddy as the champion retains!

    After the match going apoplectic at Ali, with the boxing champion stepping over the ropes like the big boy that he is to eye down the mouthy individual who immediately starts to change his tune. Begging Ali not to do anything stup- PUNCH right to the face! Piper out cold on mat as the crowd goes crazy.

    Ali then turning to Inoki for a wee stare, a rumble from the crowd as two exchange stoic expression. A wee nod and Ali walks up the ramp, the two maintaining eye contact the entire way.

    ImpMania II going off the air with Inoki holding his championship on high as medical staff check on the still flat out Piper behind him. What a lovely way to end the show.


    They come back up to see ATSUSHI ONITA clad in his cool AF leather jacket, wielding a barbed wire baseball bat as he smokes one last puff of his cigarette before taking his swing. And BANG! The explosion on impact sends the champion crashing down, sparks flying out in blinding light.

    Now ImpMania II actually goes off the air, as Onita puts his cigarette out on the championship, draped over Inoki’s out cold body.


  • #2
    Imp my boy, love your work here.

    I was a bit miffed when you kicked off with the Onita Exploding Barbed Wire Death Match, didn't seem like a kick off, esepcially when they had to clear the arena for twenty minutes after it, however it all made sense by the end of the card.

    I must say your line about Big Daddy being a very overweight Van Helsing made me laugh out loud however I was dissapointed his glitter hat didn't get a mention in helping ward off the nasty spirits. The less said about the match the better but it is one hell of a face off.

    The usage of UWF guys was very interesting and having a genuine UWF rules match really added some variety and a unique little moment to your match. And yes young Suzuki was a very very handsom boy, I hope you put him in his special white trunks for the match.

    What you did to Marc Mero is hilarious and just pitch perfect booking of a guy who so wildly overplayed his hand. Your usage of your celebrities was particuarly inspired.

    I loved the ending of Hashimoto v Takada, the idea of someone screaming with how tight they are squeezing a submission is fantastic and something I hope someone has done or will one day do.

    Lastly your main event was just pitch perfect. The booking of it, how you wove each man's past and the way you used your celebrity was just great. I can picture the post match moment where Piper gets in over his head in my mind and the last minute swerve with Onita was also fantastic. Loved the detail of him taking a drag from his cigarette, his entrance at the Dome for one of his death matches where he stops mid entrance, sits down and sparks up is one of the most badass entrances of all time.

    Great stuff up and down, one of the best main events anyone has put together and with your trademark Impisms too. LOVE IT.


    • #3
      The tone of this column was great. It felt like one of your legit reviews haha. And you definitely have quite the variety on show. Looks like someone is trying to please everyone! But yet, as AEW has proven, variety makes for a great show. Now, on to the matches.

      Atsushi Onita vs Hayabusa

      What a way to start the show! Literally kicking things off with a bang. This looked brutal. And it had an actual explosion once the time ran out (Hi AEW!). Setting the tone for your show extremely.

      Big Daddy vs Vampire Viscera w/Gangrel

      Damn! You shat on your own match. But hey, at least it was seeped in realism. Loved the write up haha. You definitely need to bring the crowd up again after this match!

      Tables Match
      Public Enemy vs The Pitbulls

      Not another draw! Well, at least everyone got tables. And they must really respect each other to be waving their hands together. How sweet!

      UWF Rules
      Akira Maeda & Minoru “Sexy” Suzuki vs Gary Albright & Don Frye

      A stiff match between four hard men looking to stick it to each other. What more can you ask for? But hey, what is UWF rules and who the hell won this match?

      Marc Mero w/Pamela Anderson vs Ahmed Johnson w/Sable

      Laughed my ass off at this one and it's racial overtones. I'm surprised Anderson and Sable didn't make our at the end of the match as this is a match straight out of the Attitude Era.

      Barroom Brawl
      Fabulous Freebirds vs Hardy Boyz

      Lol at Snooker table! Nice, classic story with master against student, but I can't envision Hardy Boys in a barroom brawl for some reason. Although, that's definitely a place they should stay away from.

      Cruiser-IMP Championship
      Dr Wagner Jr vs Kendo Kashin

      Another classic story of two former tag partners doing battle. I liked how you stated this was a vehicle for Wagner's ascent.

      Big Lads Doing Big Lad Wrestling Championship
      Mike Awesome vs Test vs Masato Tanaka

      Love the BLDBLW Championship! Test seemed like a fish out of water to be fair and the match write-up pretty much highlighted that.

      Warrior versus Warrior
      Ultimate Warrior vs Kensuke Sasaki

      Man, that was like a stereotypical Warrior Match. I can totally picture him just never slowing down; that jolt of energy you referring to. Great to wake the crowd back up though.

      Grudge Match
      Shinya Hashimoto vs Nobuhiko Takada

      A strong-style matchup right up tour alley. I've no idea who either of these men are but you painted a good picture.

      w/Special Guest Ringside Enforcer: Muhammed Ali
      IMPact Heavyweight Championship
      Antonio Inoki vs Roddy Piper

      Another good story that makes sense when factoring in the characters. This match feels huge, and that's just by reading it, so you know you have one of the better main events of the draft. And what a way to end the show, too.

      Great card Imp and it was a joy to read!


      • #4
        Such an entertaining read, Imp.
        Where's the beef?! Hahahaha.
        How dare you make the 2nd match of your card a big man brawl! Following up an explosive opener? That's so bold of you.

        This was a lot of fun with good match variety. Warrior v. Warrior was my favourite. Lots of energy and excitement in that match.

        Main event had a great swerve at end to get the audience hooked for the next show, with a cool tie-in from the opener. Ali was used very well in his celeb role and you captured Piper's attitude and ego really well too.

        So, Onita/Inoki would be the next main event? Who'd be going for the big lads title next?
        Check out all the Cool Points columns here.
        LOP's resident nXt guy
        CF since 2013


        • #5
          This was pretty hardcore, exploding barbwire, tables, barroom brawl. The costs must have been high for the run of this show. But with Piper/Inoki/Ali main eventing, there's no way you don't get a packed house.

          I love the Viscera/Big Daddy match, just because that is so silly. I'm surprised you didn't put a ringbreaker in there.

          What's the rule on the Big Lads championship, is that like the 305 live championship or something? I love it as a concept.

          Had a blast reading this, I'm not familiar with a lot of names but was still very fun to see the goings on.

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          • #6
            God, I love how playful your writing is. Just a delight.

            Onita vs. Hayabusa is, of course, a match that really happened, but why not do it again with even more explosions? Delightful write up and very funny line at the end. I expect it’d be an easy 4 stars if I was watching from home, these two were great. Maybe a deduction for that 30 minute wait for the next match.

            What an incredible tub of humanity in the next match. I honestly can’t tell if this is zero stars or the full 5 just for the balls on you.

            Haha, I should probably stop trying to rate these matches and just enjoy the ride. Something about all four guys somehow going through tables at once is really working for me.

            Young Minoru Suzuki is indeed ridiculously sexy.

            At some point I stopped trying to analyze or take notes, stopped trying to separate the comedy from the serious matches, and just enjoyed the ride. I have no clue what I’d think if I watched it for real, but just as a reading experience this is probably the most fun I’ve had so far. Bravo Imp, well done across the board.

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