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As Punk’s debut looms over and radiates AEWS’s roster and the smarky apocalypse of the wrestling world, some of us have fingers crossed that this doesn’t get screwed. While I’m not keen on pipe bombers or pipe bombs, it was a nice enough bit of controversy that Punk is still talked about to this day and his return has all eyes on it, whether from his fans or people who want to feel like something is happening again. Given this deserves the hype it’s getting, some believe AEW’s debuts have mostly underwhelmed and been nonsensical, and the talent’s usage the same. So, let’s go ahead and prevent AEW from failing with Punk. I’m going to reveal what AEW must NOT do if they want to maximize the opportunity.
#1. Do NOT have Tony Khan introduce him
There’s a story here, Tony built his promotion around the idea of acquiring Punk. By all means the former could tell that story to make the big introduction, especially if the latter turns and pipe bombs it. However, this must not happen. For all the potential you may see in that idea, there is no more hideous execution Punk’s return could get than that from Tony Khan on a microphone. Talk about bombing, Khan’s MO is sputtering repetitions like something out of One Flew Over the Coo Coo's Nest. Tony’s personal appearance is also questionable for wrestling programming and TV in general. Here’s what I mean--
Lay off the acid, Paul Fifer.
God!
He comes out looking like Paul Fifer from the Wonder Years only fueling the speculations people have of this company’s creative: that it’s an unhinged, E-fed booked nerdfest.
I was speaking with Mystic and he mentioned Tony’s dad does have a more wrestling appealing look. Maybe, he can make the introduction, after all he looks as if he could Camel Clutch Tony and break him into two pieces.
# 2 Do NOT allow Punk’s ego to get out of control in the locker room.
I’ve worked with people like him, over analytical, whiny and complaining, always finding a problem with something. It’s ok for TV, but decent humans don’t deserve that around in real life. My suggestion is for AEW to hire Mickey Gall. If Punk starts piping up behind the curtain, have Mickey give him a nasty scowl. The way Mickey worked him over in the octagon, this should be enough, if not, give the UFC star the greenlight to swell that wannabe's ear up again.
# 3 Do NOT stick him near a comedy shtick.
The difference between Mae Young giving birth to a hand and Orange Cassidy and Bozo the Clown playing footsie? At least I get the humor in Mae Young’s ordeal, and the WWE's motto wasn't "sports based." AEW gets Darby against the son of Haku. Here’s a supposed up and comer, Darby taking on the son of the toughest man to ever lace up boots and you have Darby’s clown grandpa out there playing with Cassidy. I think Darby’s supposed to have a mystique about him? Well, to me he looks more like Sam Goof getting embarrassed by daddy Goofy joining the school. While god knows which viewers are getting chuckles out of that, what they're sacrificing is small nuances that make the bigger picture matter. For one, they're distracting from whatever I can imagine one would hope to accomplish from the talent and match going on in front of them. But something like that drags down any serious angle they want to do. Like horror movies? How about spoof horror movies? How about a half spoof horror movie except the part we want to be scary? Don't care for spoofs setting up a serious climax in your favorite genre, well let's get this stupid shit off the show before we introduce something as big as Punk can be. Which brings me to ...
#4 Do NOT pair him with any of their undesirables.
Evil Uno, Marko Stunt, Sonny Kiss and the many who reek of low production need to be far away from this. Many times AEW does something like this and they get eyes on them that quickly go away. While I’m not saying it’s all the Dark Order, they seem to be repeat offenders, looking like jobbers, throwing tacky punches, and generally being goofballs. Nothing takes you out of a show faster than the light going out and the Dark Order appearing like a lower budget Scary Movie take over. When I was trying AEW out, and very hopeful for them at the start, this zapped my soul right out of me. I think the lesson here is just because it was a big hit in the E-fed doesn’t mean it’s a hit with a real audience, Mr. Fifer.
#5 Do NOT aim to put Punk in forty minute All Male Six Star encounters without properly building the stories to them.
If you don’t know what the All Male Six Star Encounter is, read my column with that title. Basically, it’s a nonsensical match with a foolish storyline where two people hit each other with every move ever made and kick out for the holy shits of it. Really it's when they're dancing and prancing like ballerinas and proving tremendous cooperation without the pretense of telling the story of a struggle.
For God sake, man, give Punk a storyline that feels like a grudge, not a sports entertainment porno for the excuse of hitting one-thousand moves on each other, and going through great pains to not capitalize on each other in order to set up shop to jump off ladders.
What's a sports entertainment porno story? Glad you asked. It's a bullshit story to set up what we're all drooling for, the stunts!
Bullshit sports entertainments stories include but are not limited to:
In other words, when introducing Punk into storylines and matches, how about try to act like you're a wrestling show and let things happen in ways that seem organic with matches that culminate those on-goings, rather than forty minute stunt fests designed to get a little rise out of us.
By the way, I hear Omega has broken the star system, so now Dave Meltzer is going to the sun system. What’s the sun system, you ask? Well, here it is explained in his eloquent, sophisticated speak ...
"Really, Kenny’s broken the star rating, so we’re going to have to go to suns. I know the sun is a star but it’s kind of not one because people think of it as something bigger and brighter, and I learned to elaborate on things from watching Cindy Brady on a show called the Brady Bunch, where she had step brothers, but kind of not step brothers because their family was so close and blah, blah, blah."
Alright, AEW, Punk stated that he does not want to be another guy making bad television. Let's make that happen. I know you've been told at some point "just be yourself." Well, I'm telling you the opposite. Throw all your tapes away, hide the Dark order in the closet, hire a decent booker, and don't let any of your new viewers know what you've up to these last two years. Don't be bad TV.
#1. Do NOT have Tony Khan introduce him
There’s a story here, Tony built his promotion around the idea of acquiring Punk. By all means the former could tell that story to make the big introduction, especially if the latter turns and pipe bombs it. However, this must not happen. For all the potential you may see in that idea, there is no more hideous execution Punk’s return could get than that from Tony Khan on a microphone. Talk about bombing, Khan’s MO is sputtering repetitions like something out of One Flew Over the Coo Coo's Nest. Tony’s personal appearance is also questionable for wrestling programming and TV in general. Here’s what I mean--
Lay off the acid, Paul Fifer.
God!
He comes out looking like Paul Fifer from the Wonder Years only fueling the speculations people have of this company’s creative: that it’s an unhinged, E-fed booked nerdfest.
I was speaking with Mystic and he mentioned Tony’s dad does have a more wrestling appealing look. Maybe, he can make the introduction, after all he looks as if he could Camel Clutch Tony and break him into two pieces.
# 2 Do NOT allow Punk’s ego to get out of control in the locker room.
I’ve worked with people like him, over analytical, whiny and complaining, always finding a problem with something. It’s ok for TV, but decent humans don’t deserve that around in real life. My suggestion is for AEW to hire Mickey Gall. If Punk starts piping up behind the curtain, have Mickey give him a nasty scowl. The way Mickey worked him over in the octagon, this should be enough, if not, give the UFC star the greenlight to swell that wannabe's ear up again.
# 3 Do NOT stick him near a comedy shtick.
The difference between Mae Young giving birth to a hand and Orange Cassidy and Bozo the Clown playing footsie? At least I get the humor in Mae Young’s ordeal, and the WWE's motto wasn't "sports based." AEW gets Darby against the son of Haku. Here’s a supposed up and comer, Darby taking on the son of the toughest man to ever lace up boots and you have Darby’s clown grandpa out there playing with Cassidy. I think Darby’s supposed to have a mystique about him? Well, to me he looks more like Sam Goof getting embarrassed by daddy Goofy joining the school. While god knows which viewers are getting chuckles out of that, what they're sacrificing is small nuances that make the bigger picture matter. For one, they're distracting from whatever I can imagine one would hope to accomplish from the talent and match going on in front of them. But something like that drags down any serious angle they want to do. Like horror movies? How about spoof horror movies? How about a half spoof horror movie except the part we want to be scary? Don't care for spoofs setting up a serious climax in your favorite genre, well let's get this stupid shit off the show before we introduce something as big as Punk can be. Which brings me to ...
#4 Do NOT pair him with any of their undesirables.
Evil Uno, Marko Stunt, Sonny Kiss and the many who reek of low production need to be far away from this. Many times AEW does something like this and they get eyes on them that quickly go away. While I’m not saying it’s all the Dark Order, they seem to be repeat offenders, looking like jobbers, throwing tacky punches, and generally being goofballs. Nothing takes you out of a show faster than the light going out and the Dark Order appearing like a lower budget Scary Movie take over. When I was trying AEW out, and very hopeful for them at the start, this zapped my soul right out of me. I think the lesson here is just because it was a big hit in the E-fed doesn’t mean it’s a hit with a real audience, Mr. Fifer.
#5 Do NOT aim to put Punk in forty minute All Male Six Star encounters without properly building the stories to them.
If you don’t know what the All Male Six Star Encounter is, read my column with that title. Basically, it’s a nonsensical match with a foolish storyline where two people hit each other with every move ever made and kick out for the holy shits of it. Really it's when they're dancing and prancing like ballerinas and proving tremendous cooperation without the pretense of telling the story of a struggle.
For God sake, man, give Punk a storyline that feels like a grudge, not a sports entertainment porno for the excuse of hitting one-thousand moves on each other, and going through great pains to not capitalize on each other in order to set up shop to jump off ladders.
What's a sports entertainment porno story? Glad you asked. It's a bullshit story to set up what we're all drooling for, the stunts!
Bullshit sports entertainments stories include but are not limited to:
- Kidnapping
- Coming out to announce you talked to the promoter and he's giving you title matches and letting you break the news.
- Throwing any kind of liquid on your opponent, so they can fake slip and slide in it. This worked one time and one time only, the beer bash.
- Anything Steve Austin did to Vince McMahon. Most likely if you're not Steve Austin, you are much worse.
- Work shooting to fool us into thinking your sick burn was unplanned, so that we're reminded the rest is planned. I don't like when Cena does it, and if you've showed up in the last ten years, you're probably not as talented, have a bland appearance, and have string bean arms.
In other words, when introducing Punk into storylines and matches, how about try to act like you're a wrestling show and let things happen in ways that seem organic with matches that culminate those on-goings, rather than forty minute stunt fests designed to get a little rise out of us.
By the way, I hear Omega has broken the star system, so now Dave Meltzer is going to the sun system. What’s the sun system, you ask? Well, here it is explained in his eloquent, sophisticated speak ...
"Really, Kenny’s broken the star rating, so we’re going to have to go to suns. I know the sun is a star but it’s kind of not one because people think of it as something bigger and brighter, and I learned to elaborate on things from watching Cindy Brady on a show called the Brady Bunch, where she had step brothers, but kind of not step brothers because their family was so close and blah, blah, blah."
Alright, AEW, Punk stated that he does not want to be another guy making bad television. Let's make that happen. I know you've been told at some point "just be yourself." Well, I'm telling you the opposite. Throw all your tapes away, hide the Dark order in the closet, hire a decent booker, and don't let any of your new viewers know what you've up to these last two years. Don't be bad TV.
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