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Dead or Alive 2021: Love vs. War #3 (by Rob S.)

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  • Dead or Alive 2021: Love vs. War #3 (by Rob S.)

    Round 1, Match #3: Dr Britt Baker DMD & Adam Cole vs. Chelsea Green & Matt "Zack Ryder" Cardona


    Written by Rob S.


    “Matt, how did you find this place? It’s absolutely beautiful, and I can certainly make the most of the 117 bikinis that I packed.”


    “Matt? Matt? Where the hell are you?”

    More silence.

    Chelsea searches each room of the bungalow, changing into a different bikini in each room. Still no Matt. Frustrated, she decides to venture outside to the beautiful white sand beach, only to find Matt si…..

    “Oh my God, what are you doing? We’re supposed to be enjoying my birthday vacation together and you’re out here in a kiddie pool playing with your toys.”

    Cardona was indeed sitting waist deep in a plastic wading pool surrounded by several dozen Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

    “But I want to play with my toys. Why won’t you ever let me play? I always do whatever you want and I just want to plaaaaaay!”

    “For fuck’s sake Matt, stop acting like a three year old. Now go change so we can go grab some dinner at the buffet.”

    “Do you think they’ll have chicken nuggets. I really want chicken nuggets….and mac and cheese, but only if it’s Kraft. Can I have a juice box please? I’m thirsty.”

    “Yes Matt, you can have a juice box if you promise to go get changed.”

    Frustrated, Chelsea walked to the kitchenette to grab her childlike boyfriend a pink lemonade. She really was more like a mother sometimes instead of a girlfriend, but he was really sweet and he did buy her as much swimwear as she wanted.

    After dropping off the juice box, Chelsea went to the bathroom to pretty herself for dinner. She knew she didn’t have to do much, because the gorgeous just came naturally. Looking in the mirror, she thought she saw something strange. Did her reflection…..change?

    “You know you could smother him with a pillow while he slept. No one would blame you?”

    No, not her. It couldn’t be her. She got rid of her years ago.

    “No you didn’t sweetie. I’m still here.”

    Before she knew what was happening, Chelsea had smeared lipstick all over her face. Her hair was in shambles; a true rat’s nest for sure. The mirror, which once shown her beautiful reflection, now revealed the face of a monster, as the letters LVN ran red across the glass in lipstick.

    “CARDONA! Get your stupid ass in here so we can go get some freaking dinner!”

    “I’m comi…..whoa, what the hell happened to you? Are you ok? You don’t look…...right.”

    “I’m fine you big piece of man meat. Now let’s go. Mama’s hungry!”

    Matt followed his girlfriend out of the bungalow, a look of confusion on his face. He reached into his pocket to make sure he brought some protection.

    “Hey Spidey, if anything weird happens you’ve got my back right?”

    Of course the action figure didn’t talk back. It’s a freaking toy!


    “Hey babe, how do you know that Matt and Chelsea are going to end up here? I mean they could be anywhere on the island.”

    “But they’re not. I made sure that they were in the bungalows right near here. I don’t even think that idiot Cardona knows that they’re in a tournament. I made sure to send him a special Spend Your Birthday on Beautiful DOA Island pamphlet. Pretty sure he thinks they’re just on vacation.”

    “Yeah he’s a bit of a moron, but how do you know they’ll be here?”

    “Right now, Matt and Chelsea are at the buffet having dinner. When Cardona was in AEW all he would eat was chicken nuggets and mac and cheese. He’s like 5 years old. So I bribed the kitchen staff to replace one of his chicken nuggets with a dinosaur shaped rock. Once he bites into it he’ll break his tooth, and fall right into our laps.”

    “Wow babe. You’re so hot when you’re devious.”

    “Well, you know what my momma always said right?

    “What did she say?”

    “She said, my girl, I think someday you’ll find a way to make your natural tendencies pay.”

    From out of nowhere music plays.

    “You’ll be a dentist. You have a talent for causing things pain. Girl be a dentist. People will pay you to be inhumane.”

    “And I am a goddam dentist. I am Dr. Britt Baker D.M.D.”

    As Cole watched his girlfriend finish her musical number, he realized he might not have to do much in this battle. That was fine by him, the easier the better.”


    “Yay, there’s spaghetti and chicken nuggets and french fries and hot dogs and mac and cheese. Oh man, it’s the Kraft kind. Yay, Yay, Yay!”

    Chels…..Laurel looked at the man-child in disgust. Surely Chelsea couldn’t be serious about this idiot. Stomach rumbling, she realized she too was hungry. Where was the meat? She needed to eat ALL of the meat.

    After getting their food, Matt and Chelsea looked for a place to sit, but the dining room was packed. They saw space with another couple straight ahead, so they politely asked if they could join them.

    The couple wanted to make small talk. Laurel wasn’t having any of it, but the idiot next to her was busy shoveling a breaded T-Rex into his mouth.

    “So we’re from Wisconsin. It’s a beautiful state but it can get kind of cold. We love football. Go Packers! George here is a…...Aaaaah, a spider!”

    “Don’t worry honey, I’ll kill it.”

    George from Wisconsin squashed the spider with his sandal, leaving nothing left but a bloody spot on the ground. Laurel looked on in horror at the poor creature whose life had been extinguished for no reason whatsoever. Something snapped. Something…..changed.


    “Honey, it was a spider. They didn’t want it on their foo….Ouch. What the hell?”

    Matt had bitten into the dino-rock, breaking his tooth in the process. Blood was coming from the tooth socket and dripping onto his chest. He finished the not-nugget anyway, making things even worse. Laur…..Reklusa licked her lips, then licked the blood off her boyfriend’s chest.

    George and his wife fled.

    “What the hell are you doing babe? I need to get to a dentist or something. Come on, let’s go.”

    You all know where this is going right? Cue the scene change.


    “Can subwun helf me? I fink I boke a toof.”

    Adam and Britt watched in anticipation as the bloody Cardona and… that Chelsea? Why is she in a black bodysuit? And when did she even change?

    “Sure honey, come on back. The Doctor is in!”

    Matt made his way into the dentist’s office, as Cole slammed the door behind him, locking him inside.

    “Adam Cole. Well, if you’re here that means you just locked Chelsea’s boyfriend in there with Dr. Britt Baker D.M.D.”

    “Chelsea’s boyfriend? You mean YOUR boyfriend right?”

    “No my dear, my name is Reklusa, and while that dolt is clueless, I know exactly what is going on here. You see my old boss, Dario Cueto, used to run this island, and that must mean we’re competing in DOA. Mr. Low IQ in there thought it was pronounced Doe-A. He’s not too bright but he’s damn nice to look at.”

    While Reklusa(?) monologued, Cole took the opportunity to strike, snapping off a beautiful Superkick to his opponent’s chin.

    “You didn’t even hit me. All you did was slap your thigh so it sounded like you made contact. Who does stupid shit like that still?”

    Inside the office, Dr. Baker had strapped Cardona to the chair and was straddling him with drill in hand. Out of the closet, background singers emerged.

    “There she is folks, the leader of the plaque! Watch her suck up that gas, oh my God!”

    “Um, Bwitt, I apweciate your enfusiasm, but I’m not numb.”

    “Shut up, open wide, here I come.”

    The background singers have broken into a full-blown dance routine, snapping off high kicks (without slapping their thighs) in perfect unison. Reklusa and Cole have joined the routine, trading arm drags in perfect rhythm.

    “I am your dentist and I enjoy the career that I picked. I am your dentist and I get off on the pain I inflict.”

    The drill pierced Cardona’s face, squirting blood all over the background dancers, Cole and Reklusa, as well as some giant plant that seemed to have come out of nowhere. As the blood flowed from Matt’s cheek, Cardona reached into his pocket, grabbing his Spider-Man action figure.

    “Spidey, save me!”

    The action figure began to change, growing exponentially until it burst through the roof of the Medical Bungalow, nearing 15 feet tall.

    Seeing the giant Spider-Man, Reklusa went to her knees, as her God had finally arrived. She had been chosen by the Great Ancient Arachnid to represent her people. Or she’s just crazy. Yeah, we’re going with just batshit crazy.

    As Baker continued to torture Cardona, extracting his teeth one by one with Home Depot pliers, Cole saw the perfect opening with the kneeling Reklusa. He jumped off the patient file cabinet and executed the first ever DOA Sunrise, crushing Reklusa’s skull in the process.

    Adam looked at his girlfriend, face covered in the blood of her opponent. She seemed to like that look, and oddly enough it turned him on more than he cared to admit. The loudspeakers hummed as they waited for the official announcement.


    “That’s DOCTOR Britt Baker D.M.D. you metallic piece of shit.”

    She looked down at what was left of Cardona.

    “Now spit!”
    WINNERS: Dr Britt Baker DMD & Adam Cole!

    The '92 Rumble! The Brain's Finest Hour!

  • #2
    I have to just say Rob that I loved this, classic DOA. From Zack Ryder as a man child to the many faces of Chelsea Green, and the whole dentist bit, this was really hilarious. Bravo, and I look forward to someone revisiting this dentist office in a future battle...

    The '92 Rumble! The Brain's Finest Hour!


    • #3
      Loved this Rob. A few nice twists and turns and a few great lines.

      My favourite would have had to be the Super Kick one but I loved how you wrote Cardona too. Great stuff.

      With the ending I thought when Chelsea transformed it was going to go their way but in the end I think you made the right call. After what she did in the Lights Out Match I think DOA may be a place that Britt Baker feels quite at home in.

      Also interesting to see at least two of us go the 'holiday' route.


      • #4
        This is DOA in it's purest form, a kinda silly story with brutal murder.

        I am curious, was the 15 foot spiderman sentient and moving or was it just a statue?

        I loved the different characters from Chelsea/Laurel, I'd completely forgot that she had a character after her WWE run.

        I agree with the rest of the group, the right team won, Cole and Baker definitely have more to offer the series than man-child Matt.
        The worst PPV ever is coming soon.
        Send in your top 10 to help us find out what the worst PPV ever is.


        • #5
          A little bit of feedback. Why the heck not?

          Mizzie Kicks- I kind of gave you a little heads up as to what was coming, but i hope it didn't spoil anything for you. As I went along writing I just had ideas in my head, and I was happy it all just started flowing naturally. I hope people got the dentist bit for what it really was, a re-enactment of Steve Martin's dentist scene from "Little Shop of Horrors." I thought, who's a really bad dentist, and it just popped into my head. The background singers, the song lyrics, and even a brief appearance by Audrey II.

          Sam I Am- Oh man, the superkick line was one of my favorites. I started writing and had to throw that in somewhere with Cole being one of the main users of the thigh slap. Yeah Britt being bloodied up seems right for the foreseeable future, plus Cole seems to dig it. Looking forward to yours.

          Zak Attack- The giant Spidey figure....hmmmm, good question. I mean it's STILL THERE right? Being as the battle ended almost immediately after maybe it didn't have time to act. Maybe Ryder had to be the one to control it. Or maybe it's just a big fucking toy. But yeah, it's still there. Yup, Chelsea had a few; Laurel Van Ness in Impact, Reklusa briefly in Lucha Underground. She's a real nutcase.

          I'm pulling for Cole and Baker to win it all! Team DMDBAYBAY!
          Last edited by Rob S.; 04-08-2021, 10:03 AM.


          • #6
            Some of the references are lost on me as I don’t know all the participants well, but the basic premise is pure classic DOA by the writer who started if all. Great stuff


            • #7
              Originally posted by JacobWrestledGod View Post
              Some of the references are lost on me as I don’t know all the participants well, but the basic premise is pure classic DOA by the writer who started if all. Great stuff
              Thanks JWG. Surprised you didn't know all the participants though.


              • #8
                Sorry that I don’t really follow NXT and what Adam Cold is doing there. the only wrestling I watch is WrestleMania and the hype clips from Raw and Smackdown. Beyond that take too much effort. The product is in a strange place without fans and a lot of the storylines are great at the top of the card while kind of lame at the lower card.


                • #9
                  My favorite one liner was the protection / Spiderman joke. Very silly, but it got a legitimate chuckle from me.

                  I feel like the entire piece was tinged with some snobbery toward chicken nuggets and Kraft mac n' cheese, which I absolutely will not stand for. Ambrosia both, truly.


                  • #10
                    I liked how you kept things fairly simple and logical with a well laid out trap haha, until the end when I remembered this was DOA! I also like Green's different personalities; which I'm assuming is her previous characters she's played? I can totally picture Cordona as a man child haha. The best part, though, was the superkick/thigh slap. That was funny. Good work man.