Joey and 'Plan in 'Spot The Difference'! [CSI]

[JoeyShinobi]

Joey and 'Plan in 'SPOT THE DIFFERENCE!'

The key turns in the lock, and the door slowly creaks open. Joey walks through, slamming it shut, before leaning back against the closed door. He sighs, and sets down his bag and jacket. He can hear an unholy shouting coming from his housemate's room. Exasperated, he scales the stairs and opens the bedroom door, and although he fears the worst, nothing can prepare him for the sight he is about to witness.


Plan, what the hell is going on?


A dart whistles through the air, missing Joey's left ear by millimetres. He ducks to evade it, before picking himself up again to look at his housemate.


I told you to knock! Always announce your entrance to Casa Plantastic! There’s a reason this room’s always so salubrious, you know!


Joey turns to look at the back of the door, where there is a dartboard with a picture of Shawn Michaels from the night of Survivor Series 1997 pinned, dart holes dotted all over it. He shakes his head, sadly.


I told you...let it go. It can't be good for you.

Of course it's not good for me! It wasn't good for Brettykins was it?! Ruined his legacy, didn't it! Damn Shawn Michaels and his damn balding spots!


Look...calm down. What's set all this off? I thought we were past the anger stage?


Vince just doesn't like the Harts, I'm telling ya. First Bret gets...well...ya know. Then Ted gets released! Then Natalya doesn't get pushed to her rightful spot and now...now we don't even get the tenuous New Hart Foundation damn it. And it's all Shawn's fault! ALL OF IT! Just go ask Marty "HBK-killed-my-career" Jannety.


Joey shakes his head. He's seen this all before. Everything from Vickie Guerrero to the oil crisis has been blamed on HBK in this house. He looks around Planny’s pink-and-black bedroom, with Bret ‘The Hitman’ Hart bedding and matching curtains, and an HBK voodoo doll lying in an impossible position in the corner of the room after another episode of irrational rage, following HBK’s victory over John Cena early this year. The room is a shrine to Bret, and proof of its inhabitant’s obsession with him – an obsession that is proving to be increasingly unhealthy.


Plan, we need to do something about this. I can't have you gradually destroy every wall and door in this house from your incandescent rage towards Shawn Michaels.



Well if that happened, it'd be his fault, not mine. But I suppose you may have a tiny, tiny point. A tiny one!


That’s what she said...


Very funny. What do you suggest?


I have a plan.


...what? Dude. You trying to steal my thunder? I have plans damn it! You're not allowed!


...then how am I supposed to plan anything?



You don't plan! You...erm...you plot! Yeah! You plot and I plan and no one infringes anyone else’s gimmick.


But they're the same thing, 'Plan.


No! Did Michaels put you up to this?! I bet he did, the git!


...No...I don't even know Shawn Michaels, 'Plan. Stop being so paranoid. Anyway, as I was saying...this plan.


You mean plot.


Plot, whatever. You're British, right?


Of course! Tea?


Plan pulls a steaming hot pot of tea out of a nearby drawer, and pours some into two china teacups, before placing two custard creams on each little saucer. He hands one to Joey.


Thanks. What do Brits do, when they are so uncontrollably enraged they feel the need to destroy something?


Erm...plant a flag in someone's hill and say it's always been a part of the Commonwealth, asserting our political and social systems on a helpless indigenous people before handing them their country back when we get bored? If Michaels were in charge we'd just ring the bell behind their backs....


No, 'Plan. We've evolved as a society since then. We've moved beyond swinging the giant imperialistic fist through anything that threatens our plan of global domination.


You mean our scheme for global domination.


Yeah, scheme, whatever. No, no, no...we get really tough. We hit them, and we hit them hard...with a letter of complaint. Normally I'd suggest the Daily Mail, but in this case, go after the root cause of the problem.


Of course! But...wait. We don't have Shawn Michaels' address.


We don't need Shawn Michaels' address, numbnuts. I mean, Vince McMahon.


Oh. Ok. So we write a letter to Vince McMahon complaining about Shawn Michaels?


Kind of, but seeing as he's the practically the most revered guy on their roster, it's not likely to do a lot. But you could complain about the tag team roster, seeing as that's what set all this off. I mean, remember when The Hart Foundation were awesome...


Yeah! I remember them beating The Rockers! That was awesome. When they lost to the Nasty Boys not so much....But is he likely to even listen? I mean we're just two guys who hate HBK. Why would he listen to us?


Okay, one...we’re only one guy who hates HBK, I’m just indifferent. Two, he’ll listen to us, because we’ll write an open letter on a wrestling forum in the form of a column. Seriously, you should see some of these. You just write out your thoughts, add a few fancy pictures, these guys will critique and praise it and hey presto, you’re a bona fide internet wrestling columnist. He’s gotta read them, it’s not like people would put in all that effort and not even have it read, right? They even have competitions and everything. This is quite obviously the best way to speak to Vince about problems we have with his product. Come on, turn on your laptop.


Planny turns on his laptop, and it springs back into life a mere two seconds before he remembers what he was ‘researching’ on the internet. While Joey attempts to conceal his ambivalent expression consisting of shock and hysteric laughter, Planny attempts to regain his composure, despite his cheeks going a colour to rival his Hitman bedspread.


Uh...Plan?


You know I’ve always had a predilection for mat technicians! Shut up!


Fine, fine...Okay, down to business. What we need to do is remind ol' grapefruits about what the tag team division used to be like, why it was so incredibly awesome, and not just some way of hiding the shortcomings of John Morrison.


Oi! John Morrison as NO short-comings! But that sounds like a good plan. Erm...shit...plot. A good plot!


Ruse?


Ruse? Whatever dude. It's hardly important what we call it. God. Why get caught up on it?


Exactly. Anyway, I think we should take Vince back to a time when tag wrestling was exciting, when we actually used to look forward to the matches. I'm talking 2000, TLC matches, with the Hardys, Dudleyz, Edge and Christian...good times, no?


Plan instinctively rolls his eyes at the mention of such horrific spotfests. "I best give this guy some help...I guess."


You want good tag team days? Forget the Nineties and Noughties. You want the Eighties man!


How the hell does that have any relevance now?



Because they were the glory days of tag team wrestling! Isn't that the idea here? You had everything. The Hart Foundation, The Midnight Rockers, The Midnight Express, The Rock n Roll Express, The Wild Samoans, The Horseman Arn Anderson and Tully Blanchard, The Hart Foundation, The British Bulldogs. Good tag teams who put on great tag team bouts. That's what we need. The Eighties model.


There were two Hart Foundations?


No. But they were twice as good as all the others.


Fair enough. But there's one problem with referring back to all these old guys, Planny.


You're accusing MY plan of having a flaw?! This had better bed good Shinobi....


Half of those guys are dead. The other half can't bend down to tie their bootlaces anymore. You're stuck in the past, that's your problem. You just can't let anything go.


Hah. I said the MODEL of the Eighties Shinobi. I wasn't suggesting we resurrect the dead or find the Fountain of Youth. And I don't know where you got the ridiculous idea that I can't let go of things.


Planny sees HBK's picture hanging on his door and instinctively lets out a Zulu war cry, throwing a dart straight between the eyes.


Fine. So we take the model of the Eighties, and apply it to WWE today. Sounds like a...er...policy that could work.


It's not a damn policy! It's a plan! I made it! But otherwise that's spot on Joey! Now...what was the model of the Eighties?


...I don't know Plan. It was your ide - I mean, plan. What was the model of the Eighties?


...you don't know? Erm....


Plan blushes.


So I guess that one's out the window.


Plan scrunches up a random nearby piece of paper and throws it out the window. For the sake of continuity.


What's your suggestion?


Well, as I was saying, let's go back to 2000. That was around the time I got hooked on all this, and it wasn't because Edge kept creaming Jeff Hardy with a chair, or because Bubba Ray Dudley had a fetish for powerbombing pensioners through tables - that helped, sure - but because that was the last time I can remember people giving a fuck about the tag team scene.


That much is true for sure. But it wasn't the gimmick matches that made people care, surely? I mean, if it was it would be far too easy to revitalise the tag division. Barely worth writing a letter or one of those dumb columns you told me about.


Agreed. But at the moment, there's too many wrestlers in tag teams who no-one really gives two shits about. By the way, have a look at this one...you think he's got a sweet tooth? The colour scheme’s certainly a tad eclectic...


No. He's just gay. You mean people don't care about...erm....


Exactly. No-one cares about JTG. The same goes for Festus, Primo, Zach Ryder...and all the while, we've got decent wrestlers flailing in midcard obscurity.


So we take these mid card wrestlers and throw them into tag teams? Sounds a little superficial to me. And guys like MVP would be wasted in a tag team. They need to start breeding teams in FCW. Teams with some consistency, not two random guys stuck together. That's what the Eighties had. Consistency beyond brotherhood.


Well, if you look at my example, that was happening at the start of this decade too. The Dudleys, Matt and Jeff Hardy, Edge and Christian, all kayfabe brothers. Then you have teams like Too Cool, who rocked, and the Acolytes, who were badass. It’d rock if we could have all these guys back. These days, Creative seem all too eager to split these teams up. FCW wouldn't be a bad idea, but the problem with that is, do you promote them at the same time?


I guess you'd have to introduce them slowly to get them over but let's face it, it's not like the WWE don't have time on their side is it? I guess I just think teams need a gimmick but...nothing too over the top. The Hart Foundation wore pink and had the same second name. The Wild Samoans were both...well...Samoan. Simple but gave them consistency. It's why Miz and Morrison work so well and Legacy and even The Colons. Throwing mid carders together won't give us that unless they overhaul countless images which isn't going to happen in a million and one years.


Hmm, this sounds trickier than it looks. How do these columnists come up with such great ideas?


I bet they just spend all their time watching wrestling. It's tragic really. To think, they must actually believe Vince reads their stuff to spend this much time on writing about wrestling!


Let's try it. Hey, you think we should have a little picture at the top?


I'm here to write a letter, not a picture pop-up book. Although that said...maybe it'll appeal more to Vince if we do...Look! We're getting sidetracked Joey! We need to focus here. What was the best tag team of all time?


The best, or my favourite?


The best.


I haven't watched most of this old stuff, so I'm going to go with what I know. I'm going to go with the Hardys for now, for several reasons. Firstly, they were exciting to watch. Just because you're a stickler for the old fashioned 'grope-them-in-the-groin' style of wrestling, doesn't mean we all are. The spotfests were all fun, but they know a fair bit about storytelling, too. Most importantly, people cared about them - and still do.


Hmmm. I SUPPOSE I can concede the point that not everyone is as enlightened as Plantastic is. But what was it that made people care about them? And why do we still care about them? That's the key to the whole thing. I refuse to believe it was simply because they were brothers or jumping beans.


I don't even think it was because of that - they were a pair of guys people could identify with, and still are. Sure, they were always the good guys, but people seemed to get emotionally invested in them; perhaps because it was so obvious that their hearts were in winning the tag belts. Now, any title feud seems like an afterthought, there's no prestige attached to the belt, and the only people competing for them are people with whom we have very little identification with.


Woah. Slow down there. You could identify with Jeff Hardy? That's...worrying....


I was fourteen years old, I didn't understand the dangers of crystal meth! And I'm only talking about Jeff Hardy the tv character, Jeff Hardy the high-flying talisman, not Jeff Hardy the emo crackhead. Back then, there wasn't much to him but raw passion for what he did.


Yeah. I guess back then he didn't paint himself like a circus clown and gyrate on the entrance stage like he was having some kind of seizure.... Erm, so where were we? Ah yes. Heart. So maybe we need a tag team with more heart. What about...um...Mark Henry. He's quite...hefty, shall we say. Maybe we could team him up with...er....


The only person I could conceivably think of partnering Mark Henry with that would actually make people care about him is someone who was in fact more of a fatass then he is.


Are you thinking what I'm thinking?


I hope not.


Awesome Kong?


Joey snorts tea all over his lap.


Choo-choo...you what?!?


Hey! You'll break your laptop man! I ain't pooling money for a new one!


Planny quickly checks his own laptop to make sure not a single drop of Joey's tea touched it. He glances at the screen in doing so and remembers something important.


Erm...weren't we meant to be writing a letter?


Yes! Actually, you were, you were the one who seemed to have something to get of his chest.


Hey! The letter was your idea! The only thing I have to get off my chest is phlegm....


And your strange desire to see Awesome Kong exposed to a, excuse the pun, wider audience...


Hey, each to their own! Anyway, it would be awesome – a Maelstrom of hefty sexiness! We could call them Spot The Difference! Ahem. Wait. Hold on. Erm...so...anyway. Look, are we writing this letter or what?


Yes, we are. Hurry up...skip that bit about not getting hated, we're not here to make friends...that's it, create thread.


Ok...Title is ‘Dear Vince’. So I say we keep it short and sweet. Vince is a busy man you know. He probably has long-time bastarding friends to screw over or something. So how about...

Dear Vince, improve the tag team division by putting Mark Henry and Awesome Kong together. People should care about them like they cared about the Hardy Boyz.
Much love,
Plantastic and Shinobishizzle.

It needs to be longer than that...and there are no semi-colons! You’ll never get taken seriously unless you use semi-colons!


Planny ignores him, and goes to press the post button quickly to get this over and done with so he can go back to playing darts with Gay Michaels head.


Joey shakes his head, grumbling at the lack of effort put into this debut column, and goes back to the main page. He spots something.


Hey, Plan...there's something on the main website called 'Dear Vince...' you think they've put it up there already?


Great! Let's just copy and paste it! We could do a Special Edition Redux of our debut!


Joey clicks on the link, and it opens up. To his horror, a column has been posted addressing the same concern, albeit with the polish and glitz of an experienced writer.

The Eyes of a Monkey # 57: Dear Vince

Justin's Eyes


Dear Mr. McMahon


It is the one and only LOP resident primate Dr. Monkey. I know you are tired of the 100's of letters a day from LOP posters but I simply ask for you to hear me out. I'm a simple man, Vince, who enjoys simple things. I remember growing up with such fine tag teams as the Road Warriors, the Midnight Express, the Rock N Roll Express, the Rockers, the Hart Foundation, The Hollywood Blondes, the list just keeps going on and on. My point, Mr. McMahon, is that some of my favorite wrestling moments of all time involved tag team wrestling. To deprive future generations of such superstars would be a true travesty. Simply look no further than legends like Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels, both of whom made their first big splash in tag wrestling. In essence, the tag division should be looked upon as the future breeding ground for the stars of tomorrow. Instead, you treat it like time filler and jobber fodder for the bigger guys on the show. I picture the return of a wrestling product where it is feasible that a tag wrestler could just as easily be viewed as a threat to a singles title. In my vision for the WWE I think the need to not always follow the tired "face in peril makes the hot tag" formula exists. Most of all, the intent of my letter is to not simply talk about what needs to be done, but also show you. I intend on providing just a few simple examples that will ultimately benefit the tag division in your company, while also helping to strengthen its future.


Number one, sign the Motor City Machine Guns. I know what you are thinking Vince, you prefer the bigger guys but please, hear this pick out. These guys already have the experience of working together in multiple federations as well as being one of the more innovative teams out there. They really are a team that throws a shout out to the old school with their heavy use of double team moves, something that has been disappearing from the product as of late. Let's not forget that Alex Shelly has 'breakout star' written all over him. Without a doubt in my mind I view him as the next Chris Jericho, just look as the old tapes of the Lionheart for future proof. The mentality, the promo work, right down to the wrestling. Then you have Chris Sabin, who is a more than accomplished wrestler in his own right.


Then, there's LAX which consists of Hernandez and Homicide. Right out the gate these guys appeal to the ever growing Hispanic market that you cater to. Then you have the classic format of a big man paired with a little guy. The twist to the scenario is that Hernandez can move around like a little guy. So not only do you get another tag team that consists of more than capable singles wrestlers, but you also get another big man to exploit down the road. Sounds like it's a situation that plays out great for everybody.


Let's not forget about Beer Money Inc. Who you say? That's the great thing about this team, somehow two thrown-together midcarders have made up one of the more successful heel tag teams in some time. Here you get two guys who are once again singles wrestlers that, if nothing else, could fit nicely in the midcard as well as plugging up some holes in your tag division. Just a quick note Vince, that last line wasn't meant to be nearly as homo erotic as it seemed.


I know it may seem hard to believe that my three top suggestions for improving the tag division all involve raiding the talent of a fledgling wrestling promotion, but it is indeed my plan. Regardless of what you think of the product, even an idiot could see that one of the few things that TNA has managed to always do right is tag wrestling. Therefore it is a no-brainer to me that the first major step in restoring your own failing division is to simply rob and pillage the competitor's talent. It's a tried and true formula that has seen the demise of multiple companies before, so why not allow the cycle to repeat?


With deepest regards,


Dr. Monkey


P.S. - If you do decide to use my ideas I only ask one thing in return. Every commercial break for all of your shows, I would like you to show a clip of HBK putting Bret Hart in the sharpshooter. While I know that I won't get any financial gain from such a request, it'll help me cope with the untimely nature of my defeat in the CSI tournament. Also if you could add the text "Isn't it great when a plan comes together?" to the video I'd be eternally grateful.

Oh...this isn't cool...


Planny finishes reading the column and sits back in his chair.


Dude. I know how this happened.


How?


Shawn-bastarding-Michaels told him what we were going to do, didn't he!


He may well have done. It also makes much greater sense than our idea. That scheming, double crossing, Bret-screwing jackass! Give me that phone. We need to sort this Monkey fellow OUT!!!


Planny hands over the phone.


I knew you'd see sense!


Joey begins to angrily dial at the phone, and having punched in the number, puts the phone to his ear, looking back at Planny with a look of purpose in his eyes.


Yes, hello, Professor Alligator.....yes, I'm very well, are you?.....sorry, can you rep-.....I can't understand, you need to stop speaking with your mouth full.....yes, is Skip Rogers there?.....thank you, I'll hold...


.....Hello Skip.....Yes, you saw it too?.....Yeah, I know, Mr. Donkey, that's fucking hilarious.....Good. You know what to do. Don't let me down, sir.

[cicero]

It needs to be longer than that...and there are no semi-colons! You’ll never get taken seriously unless you use semi-colons!

damn straight.



the jab at skittlez seemed excessive and superfluous.



not that it matters




very funny




very good





very more would work as well

[Jason Boy]

the color is annoying other than that great job

[The Maz]

Hey guys - Nice job here. I don't know whether a conversation piece really worked to you strengths but you definately did a good job and there was some very funny lines in here. Good enough? Time will tell. Good luck.

[the ticking clock]

This wasn't the direction I would have expected for this column, but it did work very well, and caused a couple of genuine LOLs for me. The one complaint I have is that all of the tag-teams you (well, Dr Monkey) suggested are from TNA. I would have thought guys like the Briscoes or Steen & Generico would have been good choices. Still, nice job and good luck.

[Ry P]

Hey guys -

(sorry, wasted the cool greeting on your opponents)

While this had enough humor to help move it along, it was clear that you guys took your topic seriously and had strong opinions on tag team wrestling. This was an intelligent, dialectic breakdown of just what in the hell is wrong with the struggle between two mans fightin' two mans these days - you played well with your opposing views and this was a very enjoyable read.

Good luck in, but erm, not too good...

[SailorJerrry]

Dear Vince, improve the tag team division by putting Mark Henry and Awesome Kong together. People should care about them like they cared about the Hardy Boyz.

Job done. One of the funniest things I have ever read in these here forums.

Excellent work, I'm impressed with the conversational format and how well it worked. Of course there was lots of Bret love which is always a winner in my book!

You have some awesome competition. It will be interesting to see how this turns out!

[JoeyShinobi]

cicero - there's no such thing as an excessive jab at SkittleZ. If you ever get to know him, you'll understand. Very more might happen someday.

Jason Boy - what did the colour ever do to you? Glad you enjoyed.

Mazza - at the moment, it doesn't look like enough, but there's still time. Not sure how else we'd have gotten around it, and this competition is all about taking people out of their comfort zone. Good luck.

the ticking clock - our third wheel had full creative control over his work, and it represents an opinion, nothing more. I'd tend to agree with you, in truth; but I'd love to see the MCMG in WWE more than anything RoH have at present.

Ry P - I thought I'd gotten rid of you! We didn't want to lose sight of the topic too much, and it would have been too easy just to rib 'Plan for wanting Bret oiled on a plate for the whole column. Glad you liked it, I'll be gutted if you make it further than me, having put you out once!

SailorJerrry - let's play 'Spot The n00b'. I win, she's here! There's been much funnier stuff posted in these forums...well, maybe not since the reset, but you get the idea. Still, we had fun, and I'm glad you laughed. I guess we may have alienated people by parodying ourselves and new writers, but it was good fun to write, less fun to code. Shame it looks like it might be the last you'll see from either of us in CSI.

[Roger Murtaugh]

First I'll address Clock, honestly outside the Briscoes I'm really not that familiar with any of the current crop of ROH tag teams. I've seen Steen and Generico solo, but not as a team. My point being, for me to talk about teams that I have limited knowledge of wouldn't have made much sense. I also figured I'd take a subtle jab by suggesting raiding a federation of all their biggest stars like was done with ECW.

Joey and Plan, the column came out well and it seemed to flow nice especially considering you guys were writing in a style that isn't the norm for you guys.

I honestly haven't read the competition yet so I can't comment on your chances but I will say that you have nothing to feel bad about with this column as it was beyond acceptable.

Hopefully Vince will see the letter and add in that little stipulation I mentioned.

Good luck guys