Inside the Mind: Homecoming

[anonymous]

Hello and welcome to another edition of Inside the Mind. My name is anonymous and I’d tell you a bit about myself but that would make my name meaningless. If you’ve never had the opportunity to read my work before, expect a deeply intellectual, serious piece of writing that’ll leave you thinking about the huge issues raised. If you have read my work, you’ll know I’m bullshitting and it’s going to be about breasts and Pokémon. Let’s get started before I run out of this beautiful Welsh Ale.


Firstly, I'd like to say a huge thank you to all the guys who welcomed me back on return/worried about my absense. It doesn't matter if I received your messages or not, I really appreciate them. I'd also like to say thanks to Terry and Sheepy for how quickly they worked to do everything on my return. Basically, what I'm trying to say is thank you. I love you all.


That's enough of the lame, nice stuff. Let's get to the usual column.

Food For Thought

Huge PPV coming up! Everyone’s talking about the Penis Perfection Viagra which is due to be released in the next few days! The PPV is guaranteed to keep you hard for 24 hours and the creator, a Mr Frank Magoo, is already making huge profits as bars, pharmacists and old men pre-book the pill. If you’ve never heard of the PPV, don’t worry. They’ll be 100 messages about it in your inbox as soon as it’s released.

The recession is upon us! I don’t mind how hard it is to find a job. I don’t mind all these shops closing down. I don’t even mind that we’re all totally screwed. But the one thing that’s really pissed me off about the recession is the WWE’s release of Manu. Surely they could have cut costs another way?! Quite frankly, I was devastated with the departure of another fat Samoan and I blame the recession. Why does it hurt the ones we love?

Lords of Pain has a reset! Lords of Pain was my favourite bondage site. I’d go on there every night before visiting some silly wrestling forum with a similar name and now, it doesn’t even exist! Where can I get my free adult material now? There’s nowhere else on the internet to find it. RIP Lords of Pain. You served me well.

Madonna not allowed to adopt! It was Rikishi. He did it for The Rock. Why did The Rock want to stop Madonna from adopting? How did Rikishi influence the judge? How will Madonna react to Rikishi's betrayal? How will this influence the 6 man Hell in a Cell at Armageddon?! All will be revealed this week on Raw!





When I was on the Main Page, this would usually be the time for WrestleBoobs. However, due to my return to posting in the forums and the fact that WrestleBoobs sucked compared to certain other features I do, I must announce that WrestleBoobs has been nuked from my column format. I’m sorry for any inconvenience caused.

Maybe a nice picture will make you feel better...


Mmmmmmmmm Beyonce.

The Unnamed Main Section

Today, I was watching the 6 man Armageddon Hell in a Cell as part of my daily reflective Rikishi time (RRT for short), and I realised just how awesome he was all over again. However, I’m not going to be spreading love all over Rikishi's beautiful, brilliant persona anymore tonight. I am going to talk about something very different. You see, watching this video also put me into a deep nostalgic state (after the RRT was finished, of course). I started to reminisce about all the great things that happened back then and how much fun I used to have watching wrestling. How an 11 year old ‘nony got in trouble for wrestling on a playground and subsequently got it banned from his household. Those were great times.

Then, I finished another can of ale. All those memories vanished and I could only focus on one thing. Something which was brought to the table by Mick Foley in my drunken state. The more I thought about it, the more interested I was. So, I decided to get out my ultra sticky keyboarded laptop and start on a column that would provide some answers to a huge question that I’m sure we’ve all asked...

Socks. I presume that’s what most people will think upon reading that question. A WWE Superstar would just wear a pair of socks like anyone else. But, how can you be so sure? Have you seen all the WWE Superstars taking off their boots? Has a Superstar confirmed to you that they do have a perfectly normal sock under their boot whilst they wrestle? I don’t think they will have. Which leaves a sense of mystery. And I think that what goes on under a WWE Superstar’s boot is far more interesting than just a sock and foot. Let’s take a look at just a few of the WWE stars of today and I'll give you all my theories.







Randy Orton

How can you expect a pervert like young Randall to have something normal under his boots? Look at his history. Look at his attitude. This isn’t the sort of person who would just wear a pair of simple socks. There’s a lot more under those things. Clearly, following his little “accident” with Amy Weber’s bag, he’ll have some toilet paper in there (just in case), and if rumours of his heavy smoking are true, he might attach some nicotine patches for the longer matches. Or, if he’s been smoking something stronger, he could’ve stashed the stuff in his boots to prevent it being found. At least then it won’t be left lying around. Randy could have anything in there.






HHH

Another big star that I strongly expect goes against the normalities of under-boot attire. Hunter has a reputation as a bit of an evil bastard and I can imagine that would be reflected under his boots. If he was fighting someone he didn’t like, maybe a nice bit of metal could be slipped inside and then, the kick before the pedigree could be extra painful. He could simply put on an extra pair of socks and he wouldn’t notice the metal. His opponents would though. But, another thing to take into consideration is the softer side of HHH. The married family guy. If he was to get a serious injury and rushed to hospital without seeing his children and he feared death, seeing a photo of them one last time would be awesome for the kind, caring HHH. Maybe he has one shoved in his boot. Maybe all the married Superstars do. If they don’t, I think they should. Just in case.






Jeff Hardy

Jeff Hardy’s a crazy son of a bitch. If anyone thinks he’s the sock wearing type, they’re an idiot. Anything abnormal suits Jeff. He’s the sort of man who will want to feel every second of action. He’s the sort of man that will want to minimise his protection and have the freedom that a pair of socks would restrain him from having. Jeff Hardy would always wrestle barefoot. That’s an anonymous fact (not a real fact)






Ken Kennedy

As the most injury prone man alive, you’d have to expect Mr Kennedy to always be prepared for trouble when he’s in a match. Where better to put help than in his boots? All sorts of mini-surgical equipment could be thrown in there in an attempt to stop his injuries. It hasn’t worked thus far but, I’m sure it will eventually...



Maybe not. None-the-less, Ken Kennedy’s another superstar who probably had something unusual in his boots.






Paul Burchill.

Paul Burchill’s a true Brit. And as a true Brit, it is a fact that he will love a good cup of tea. So, what happens if those predominantly coffee drinking philistines that occupy that United States of America don’t have any tea? It would be a disaster. Especially after a heavy wrestling match. This, however, is easily solved by stocking up on teabags so they're with him at all times. How? By shoving them down his boots of course! Also, due to Vince’s quick mood swings, Burchill may also keep a hook or an eye patch down there, in case pirate time suddenly comes again. However, the tightness of the boots probably wouldn’t allow him to get the full wig in.






Batista

Another man who could use his boots as a hiding place. To put it bluntly, Batista looks jacked up. But, he’s never been caught with steroids. Where could he possibly hide them? I think we all know the answer. Right at the bottom of Batista’s boot would be the perfect place to put those magic things that give him the body he desires. Like Orton, if he’s got something hidden in the boot no one else can find them. And, if he feels weak in a match, he can simply pop a pill, knowing that he’ll get that strength back soon. Isn’t that lovely?






Melina isn’t part of this column. I just wanted to post her.



Anyway, I think my point has been made pretty clear. When you’re watching WWE television, you should focus on the Superstar’s boots more often. See if you can see the shapes and work out what the Superstar’s got in there. It's a fantastic fun thing to do Also, if you have aspirations of being a WWE superstar, maybe you should try putting things down your boots. Get used to the feel of it. Especially if you’re a steroid user, a total bastard or you like defecating in odd places. I hope I have helped everyone today. All those tons of people who wondered if there were more than just socks under there. The answer is an enthusiastic YES!



Now we’re moving towards the end of this fun little meeting. But, there is one thing which I’ve really missed in my absence and I think it’s time to start it all up again. It’s time for...

Wrestlemon!





The Randomer

This Wrestlemon is hugely irritating. Seemingly appearing from nowhere, it appears without warning and suprises you. This Wrestlemon presumably has a name but to find it out, you have to watch it and, due to their lack of the “it factor” that normally keeps you interested, that isn’t going to be anytime soon. Usually part of a new breed, it may be best to give The Randomer some time before you truly judge him. Often, first impressions aren't everything.





So, we come to an end. I did enjoy this little return column and I'm sorry if there was a touch of rust. Hopefully, we'll see another one within the next few weeks. I'll see you all then.







And remember...

Goodnight my children.

[SkittleZ]

I was wondering when you would drop a long awaited epic on us.

You leaving me for so long is still taking its' toll on me but I'll get by... day by day.

The Main Page misses you immensely. I hope you keep writing and don't disappear for long stretches again.

Wrestlers' socks??? You're brilliant, Nony! Fuck I've written 40-something columns and the thought never crossed my mind once. I'm an idiot.

While the loss of Wrestleboobs stings a little, your Wrestlemon just get better and better. Good work, Nony.

[Kano]

wow, nony posted a column, what a suprise.

well done old chap, brilliant as usual. i liked ur maria photo with the boots comment. seriously it took me ages to write this feedback stareing at maria and melina is just to nice to pass up lol

good job hombre, hope the next wait isn't as epic

[Box Car Rocco]

The return!

Glad to see you back and hopefully you can keep writing, the CF/MP has been missing something recently and it's glad to see the CF has you back.

[anonymous]

Wow...quick feedback. Thanks guys.



Skitz- I'm sorry I left you so long. It hurt me too. Every day we're together is one step nearer happiness.

The main page misses me but I don't particularly miss it. The coding, people and atmosphere are kinder here. Plus I still want my CotM!

I don't know how I thought of that. That beer rocked. I owe Mick Foley and alcohol for the idea. Wasn't it Winston Churchill who said "I have taken more out of alcohol than it has taken out of me"? Well, he was dead right. (Now he's just dead)

Wrestleboobs was lame and there were double the boobs in this column as a compensated for it.

I love you dude.




Kano- It's only been 3 months! That's like a week for most columnists who have been around this long.

I got destracted several times by the girls mid-column, so I can understand your problems.

The next wait won't be too long. I have a few projects lined up and ready.

Thanks for the read.


Box Car Racer- Indeed it is!

If the CF/MP is missing something, I'll certainly try and help look for it. I never was very good at hide and seek though.

Thanks for the kind words.

[cicero]

Not bad, a little ugly maybe but generally rather good. I think though Jeff Hardy wears frilly lace stockings.

[L-Man]

Nony is back, L-MAN rejoices.

Great column, but I just wanna die now that there is no more wrestleboobs

Oh well Wrestlemon is still there so that puts a bandaid on me over the loss of wrestleboobs.

Who the hell was that girl weraring the sparkly clothes? she is hot!!!!!!!

Until next time goodbye

[Martin Riggs]

Well. That was interesting. In fact, i think i have an accurate comparison. Reading your column, i felt like Alice, when she was in Wonderland. Everything was different, normal ideas were changed into something outrageous and there was a lot of colour.

To put it bluntly, i really liked this, as it was different. It's engulfing and easy to read. I can't critisize. I want to, i feel like i'm just praising you, which doesn't really help, but it's like critisizing a drunk person on how they are being drunk. No, wait, it is critisizing a drunk person...

Your column (and the fact that it's 8 in the morning) have had a weird effect on me. This is the oddest and least coherent feedback i've given.

x

[Stinger]

Fun, quick read nony, and highly original. And I counted three hot pictures, so this column is full of win. Hope you to see a lot more columns from you man.

[James_A]

These words are my own, from my heart sings, I love you I love you I love you I love youuuu.

Actually those words aren't really my own since I had a little help from whichever girl that sings that every time I go to the local gym. Anyway I've missed your columns because they're always funny, entertaining, and heartwarming. I will miss wrestleboobs though but Beyoncé is a yummy send off.

Please don't leave me again!!!!!!!

EDIT: Btw where's William Regal? Did he scare you off? Lol.

[Mavsman]

Awe

Some.

It's good to have you back sir. The absurd topics pulled from left field never fail to impress, and neither does you actually making a good column from them.

[ca$hmoney]

What do you get when you add wrestlers boots and pictures of half naked women?

A kick ass column. Great job nony!

[BeyondKnight]

What was Eddie wearing when he took off his boot to break Angle's ankle lock?

Nony, I've missed you. I am so glad you are back!

[Leonard]

I've really got nothing to say, except to jump in line with my praises of this piece. You not only stand out in terms of bizarre content and approach, but you also write very well, and have a nice conversational voice. Well done, sir.

--Leonard

[The Maz]

WTF??? And I mean that in a totally good way.

Great to have you back... this was crazy and highly enjoyable!

Oh and bring back wrestleboobs, or any boobs really!

[NightofDay]

Welcome back nony. Your presence was surely missed. While I will miss wrestleboobs, the Wrestlemon was fucking gold.

It's always the most weird things that you talk about don't you realise that? Not that it's a bad thing. Eddie wore a sock at WM XX so there you go.

Great work.

No matter how many times I see it, the duck always cracks me up.

[anonymous]

More backs to feed...



Cicero- Surely if you're finding it ugly, you could've just stared at the women and founds some beauty in it? I wouldn't be shocked if he wore frilly stockings- it's go well with his slightly gay top.

Cheers for reading.



L-MAN- Everyone seems to be on about my deletion of Wrestleboobs! They were only around for 3 columns and this column featured 3 times the women I used to feature. Oh well...

The sparkly girl's Beyonce- There's some small font under the picture which shows you that.

Thanks for reading, anyway.


JohnnyBoomerang- I love that comparison to Alice in Wonderland! I feedback seemed to make perfect sense in my mind. But then, that is the may even use it for my next column. My aim has always been to provide something different and engrossing so I'm glad if I succeeded. Also, the mind that wrote this column.

Thanks for reading.


Stinger- Hopefully I'll be writing a lot more regularly now I'm back in the forums. Posting hot chicks in a column is fantastic. If the column sucks, the readers are so focused on the women they don't even care!

Thanks for the kind words.


James_A- I love you too and you could've passed them off as your own since I've no idea who you're on about. Beyonce's better than all the WWE divas in my opinion. I have this weird obsession with her. She makes me tingle in the right places. Thanks for complimenting the column so much. You know very well the reasons behind my changing William Regal to Paul Burchill. It involves Regal.

I promise I won't leave you again for the forseeable future.


Mavsman-

Thank

You.

I appreciate you bowing down to me but you really don't need to. I could never write a really quality, serious column like you can and there's really not that much skill in my columns once the idea's thought up. I just try and stretch it out as much as I can and people seem to enjoy it.


ca$hmoney- Normally when you add wrestler's boots and half naked pictures of women, you're in a men's locker room. But, I'm glad you liked the column.


BeyondKnight- I can't even remember that match. Maybe I was drunk?

I've missed you too and I'm really happy to be back.


lenjr04- I don't actually think I've ever been praised especially for my narrative voice or writing well! It's normally for the Wrestlemon or Boobs. Thank you very much for that- it's really appreciated.


Mazza- I was pretty much "wtf"ing when I sobered up. I was having fun though and I finished the column and it was really enjoyable to write in general.

But, no matter how drunk I am, I will never have Moobs in my column. I'm sorry to disappoint you.


NightofDay- Thanks for missing me. I wouldn't be worried about Wrestleboobs- it's my little lovechild and as long as I'm writing, it will survive. It's the perfect way to end a column as serious as this one.

I do realise that I may talk about some of the less "usual" topics but, I like to think that it's a nice change and appeals to a niche audience. The day I turn mainstream is the day I retire.

I presume that's the answer to BK's question regarding the match with Angle so, thanks for saving me the wikipedia job. I bet he had something hidden in that sock though!

The duck is now on the 6th page of my photobucket account. No other part of my column is that old. I love that little thing.



Thanks to everyone who's read this piece so far. I love you all.

[Roger Murtaugh]

Well I wouldn't want the duck to die. Not many people could pull this off but somehow in your random mind you are able to pull out greatness from your ass. Makes me wonder what you'll pull from your ass next.

<3

[Cult Icon]

this was wicked cool shit. i was a fan of your work back when you posted, that whole rikishi did it for the rock thing is an outstanding hook if i do say so myself. glad that your back writing again and you seem to not have lost a step at all. great return for form and i hope you do continue to post more than every once in awhile.

[anonymous]

Final Feedback?


Dr Monkey- I'm glad you're pleased that I'm pulling things from my ass. Most people are just grossed out.

Thanks for the kind words.



Cult Icon- Nothing I've ever written has been called "wicked cool shit" before so I'm very flattered. I love Rikishi so I can pretty much guarentee he'll be in every piece I ever write. Also, due to a certain thing I want to do, there will be a lot more columns from me in the near future.

Thanks for reading.

[SunKilledMoon]

20 minutes of the day well spent. Maria had me going crazy. Thank you for that, Nony. Like everyone else said, post quicker. We need your win.

[Valleyboy]

Shows how long I've been gone, Anon—I don't even remember your stint on the mainpage. Ah well, I hope it was fun while it lasted. Socks as a topic was funny. I remember the old 80's style wrestling, and being able to pick out the jobbers because their striped tube socks were stretched out over the tops of their wrestling boots. Very 1988.