The Boomerang Prophecies VII: Wrestlemania is for Kids

[Martin Riggs]

THE BOOMERANG PROPHECIES VII: WRESTLEMANIA IS FOR KIDS

Hello, you little monkeys of delight! It’s me, Johnny B, back to give you more of what your parents said was right with the world. If you don’t know me, then… um… where’ve you been? I’ve been here for a while now. In fact, I’ve just finished a three-part story that I’d encourage you to check out, but only because it’s awesome, in every way possible. Perhaps I'm fooling myself, or perhaps I'm a prodigy. Only time will tell. Although in fairness, since I posted it, I haven’t read any of it either. Whoops. So, moving swiftly on to something of relevance... Wrestlemania, eh? That ‘biggest-event-of-the-year’ is just around the corner. Opinions are divided on this one. Some are ruing it, some are thrilled about it. Me? I'd be a bit more excited if I had somewhere to watch the damn thing. But still, it's that time of year, so it seems appropriate that I should talk about it, discuss it at some length. Now, should I give you predictions? No, actually, for three reasons:

1. I don’t really want to tell you what I think in case I’m wrong, and humility doesn’t come easily to me
2. There are over a dozen other columnists, maybe more, that have given their predictions. Mine aren’t going to be so mind-blowing and different to theirs that it’s worth my time to tell you them. In fact, theirs are/will be much better than mine would
3. That would be a bit boring, really. And here at Boomerang Enterprises, we like to keep things fresh. We like to do things that most other people just wouldn’t do. On that note…

WRESTLEMANIA 25: THE DISNEY EDITION

MATT HARDY VS. JEFF HARDY

You know, when Matt came back, he was all the rage. He had a nice catchphrase, he was headlining Raw in an intense, personal rivalry with Edge, and he had a seemingly large, loyal fan base supporting him. Then Jeff came back, and suddenly, everyone was talking about him instead. Rumours were running wild over when Jeff would win the ‘big one’, about if and when he was going to screw up next, and about the massive future prospects of one Jeff Hardy. There was another story that parallels this one…

The comparisons draw themselves. In a tale of jealousy, the fallen hero interfered with the new object of affection, striking him, sabotaging him at an important time. In the case of Jeff Hardy: for a championship, or near ‘moving day‘ for our friend Mr. Lightyear. Just to set this out for you (as I know there’s a few up ahead that are less clear), we have the players: Matt Hardy as Sheriff Woody, and Jeff Hardy as Buzz Lightyear. Of course, by the sequel the two were fast friends, so in that vein we’ve probably not seen the last of the Hardys as a tag-team.

CM PUNK VS. CHRISTIAN VS. MARK HENRY VS. FINLAY VS. KANE VS. SHELTON BENJAMIN VS. MVP VS. KOFI KINGSTON

Last year, CM Punk was on top of the world. He was set to have everything, but then his not-so-brilliant title reign came crashing down, leaving him in (arguably) a worse place than before. Now he finds himself with seven other individuals, all of whom have dreams and desires of riches. There can only be one comparison here:

The similarities between Snow White and CM Punk are just so fittingly accurate that I am forced to mention it a second time! Does this columnist forecast another title reign in his future? According to this comparison I do! As for the rest of the bunch, I was surprised with how easy it was to compare superstars with dwarfs (not dwarves, according to Disney)

• Happy - The easiest to match up, Kofi Kingston is, without a doubt, one of the bounciest happiest superstars in the WWE at the moment!
• Grumpy - I've decided Mark Henry is like the joker, in that he has scars on his cheeks. Except his point down. Seriously, ever seen the guy smile? That's one moody man.
• Doc - Okay, so i'm being a little liberal here, but the ring veteran and match planner that is Finlay is in a position of responsibility and intellect, much like the afforementioned Doc
• Sleepy - MVP's career has kind've stalled over the last six months or so. Part of this is (apparently) due to some backstage shenanigans, but at least a part of it due to his lack of enthusiasm and sloppiness, as if he's hit cruise and is just breezing through
• Dopey - Shelton Benjamin has shown, over the years, that he's a world-class athlete. He's also an A-grade idiot, as the pushes he's been given have resulted in nothing each time as he doesn't have the motivation or enthusiasm to follow through with them
• Bashful - known to go red and not say much, the only person who really fits this description would be Kane. He's the big red machine, which covers the first part. He also infrequently talks, thus covering the other area. Solid!
• Sneezy - Right. Christian is sneezy because...um...you sneeze when you have allergies, and it seems like Vince is allergic to Christian. That's the best I've got, sorry guys.

JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD VS. REY MYSTERIO

JBL is main event guy. He’s been at the top, stayed there for a while, now he’s pretty much doing his own thing. He went for a title and won it. Rey Mysterio, on the other hand, was never really a mainstay at the top. While he has potential to be there, he’s not quite made it yet, even after some impressive feats. He’s also small, which leads me to this conclusion:

That’s right, I just compared Rey Mysterio to Mowgli. Wanna fight about it? Let’s face it, he’s the small kid that everyone loves, he’ll make mistakes but never do anything deliberately bad, he’s often found in companionships or tag teams with someone like himself (Eddie Guerrero/Shanti) or someone bigger and stronger (Batista/Baloo). JBL, as I have alluded to, is somewhat of an arrogant, pompous ass. This is reminiscent of Colonel Hathi, the elephant leader. Whilst prevailing at controlling his troops for a short period, ala Shawn Michaels early this year, eventually he loses control and all semblance of co-ordination.

TWENTY-FIVE DIVA BATTLE ROYAL

Right, let’s get this out of the way, while there are some cool characters in there, the majority of them look the same, and ultimately this event won’t affect their careers.

Yeah, 101 Dalmatians. Admittedly, I would’ve had a hard time trying to find any other Disney film with twenty-five protagonists, and finding comparisons for all of the Divas would be a complete waste of time. Much like the Diva’s Title. Enough said.

JOHN MORRISON AND THE MIZ VS. CARLITO AND PRIMO COLON

The Miz and Morrison, at first, were nothing special. I mean, sure, Morrison was pretty agile, and MNM were a good tag team, but Morrison had just been the ECW Champion, now he was part of a tag team? Big deal. Then they got awesome. They became the greatest tag team of the last few years (which isn’t saying much, but roll with it). Carlito and Primo are okay. That’s it actually. Carlito had his moment, his time in the spotlight, and Primo never really got there. They work okay but, honestly, nobody’s buying tickets to see them. This dynamic sound familiar? It might not, this one’s from left field…

Oh! THAT just happened. Now, hear me out. Morrison and Miz are, in my eyes, an amalgamated version of the Cinderella character. Between them, they have the total package: great mike skills, good in-ring ability and an excellent gimmick. Cinderella is the ultimate character: great luck, charm, wit, excellent assisting characters and a wonderful smile. The Miz, Morrison and Cinderella go together like Edge and title reigns. As for those pesky Colon brothers, I think, based upon his cling-on attitude and inferiority to Miz and Morrison in every way, Primo is the collected version of the ugly sisters. Carlito is, therefore, the step-mother: slightly more successful, slightly more talented, able to show some initiative yet never going to be as good as the team he faces.

CHRIS JERICHO VS. THE LEGENDS

I’m still not sold this match will be as planned, hence my bracketing of the Legends as such. All I know is Chris Jericho is rebelling against the system. He’s defying tradition and routine in place of passion and belief. It’s therefore my opinion that this be likened to:

That’s right, Chris Jericho is none other than the ‘street-rat’-turned-Prince, Aladdin. If you think about it, what Aladdin did wasn’t the ‘right thing to do’, as the kid was stealing and breaking laws left, right and centre. However, he knew he was doing the right thing, and that drove him to continue. Jericho believes he is doing the right thing. Whether or not he is, that’s up for discussion, but his belief cannot be questioned. As for the legends, they seem to fit quite nicely into the role of the three soldiers. You know how, even though it’s a massive palace, for the majority of the film there’s the same three soldiers chasing after Aladdin. Yeah, those are the legends.

THE UNDERTAKER VS. SHAWN MICHAELS

Getting onto the big matches now, starting with the Undertaker. He’s a big, imposing man, sometimes filled with anger, known to bury superstars, or even send them to ‘hell’. He is rarely seen with a partner these days, due largely to his desire to work alone. At one time, had a slew of ‘minions’ working for him in his Ministry. HBK, on the other hand, is a beacon of light. He’s good, pure and honest. He’s also hardworking, and his ring work is second-to-none in the WWE. In fact, some may say it’s a thing of beauty to behold. Oh, that was a clue! Can you guess it?

Shawn Michaels, the Heartbreak Kid, Mr. Wrestlemania, is Belle, and the Undertaker is the beast. It all makes sense. One is intrinsically good, but displays evil or negative emotions, the other is also good and struggles through external situations as opposed to inner torment. However, I don’t quite see their Wrestlemania encounter ending in a beautiful dance. It’d be awesome if it did though. No-one would see it coming.

EDGE VS.JOHN CENA VS. THE BIG SHOW

Edge is sly, cunning and currently on top of the (Smackdown!) world. He faces problems he’s already had in the past, and he deals with them in underhanded tactics, utilising and manipulating other people for his own benefit. The Big Show is a large, physically strong, dominant and towering individual. John Cena is a superhero. I think that’s a pretty accurate description of Mr. Cena over the last few years. He’s got strength enough to take on anyone, and determination to beat them. He’s also about as loyal and ‘good’ as you can get.

Here’s a shocker: John Cena is Hercules. No? Not surprising? Well he is, anyway. Gets through adversity, trials and tribulations with flying colours. Always seems to overcome the odds, no matter how high they are stacked. Now, onto the crafty one. Edge, the Rated-R Superstar, resembles the figure of Hades, Lord of the Underworld. Cheating, hiding, seeking sneak attacks, sending others to do his dirty work; Hades encapsulates Edge perfectly. And as for that Big Show, he’s essentially a representative of every large mythological beast Hercules comes across: Big, scary, seemingly invincible yet ultimately defeatable.

TRIPLE H VS. RANDY ORTON

Randy Orton has taken out Triple H’s family, and beaten him senselessly. He is also a cold, calculating individual, capable of doing anything to get what he wants. Triple H has survived the ordeal Orton put him through, and has matured and learnt from it. He’s a righteous man who is seeking revenge. He can be overconfident and headstrong at times, but he’ll always triumph. He knows he’s one of the best. Of course, there’s only one comparison…

Triple H is, for lack of a better comparison, Simba. While he wasn’t exiled, he did have the royal shit kicked out of him by Mr. Orton, who also attacked his family and ‘took over his kingdom’. As for the Orton fellow, well he’s the epitome of Scar. Literally, I expect him to burst out into “Be Prepared” during every promo he does. He’s even got his little henchmen, being the team composed of Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes, similar in many respects to the pack of hyenas, Shenzi, Banzai and Ed. I suppose we could then compare the McMahons to the rest of the pride, which is fitting, given both groups’ aggressive nature and superior status within their community.


Well, WWE, as you can see, if you really want to market for kids, you’ve already got the system in place. Now I’m aware that some of those links were a little on the tedious side, but cut me a break, I’m comparing Disney here! Anyway, thanks to you all for reading, I appreciate that. From the HindenBoomer, I’m Johnny Boomerang. You’ve been awesome, I’ve been better.

[James_A]

This was an awesome idea and it was greatly executed. I would be lying if I told you just any columnist could have me thinking about Disney films right before Wrestlemania. The comparisons here were not at all too far fetched which is why I loved it so much. It's only a matter of time until we see if each Wrestlemania match will have the same storybook endings as their respective Disney counterpart.

[Petre Dyche]

I'll be honest; this kicked some serious booty. No 'Robin Hood' scenario though? Darn. Oh well.

Job well done I'd say.

[TheLipBomb]

hey boomer,

Nice piece here. I liked it. But for the most part I couldn't get into it like I should have.

As soon as Snow White scrolled onto my screen I felt an emptyness in my heart. I'm not sure if you read Skaos' piece on that but it makes me miss him even more.

regardless, good work and I will read you again.

Keep it up.

[Martin Riggs]

Oh, TLB, i'm sorry! No, as it goes i haven't read Skaos piece on that. Is it up at all around here? Or was it lost in the great reset '09?

[Cult Icon]

outstanding j-boom. how is it you keep topping yourself like this? the only thing i wouldve maybe changed would be comparing the divas battle royal to fantasia, as theyre both experimental clusterfucks. regardless, i still loved this anyway. bravo man, bravo

[Leonard]

Very nice, JBoom. In a world where many people are dropping WrestleMania analyses, it's nice to see something different. This was a very entertaining column, and your comparisons to Disney were spot on. I don't have any criticism, really. Great work, friend.

--Leonard

[Mavsman]

There were some REALLY funny parts in here. I laughed substantially at the "Diva's Title is worthless" joke and the idea of the Undertaker and HBK dancing at the end of their match.

You have a lot of talent. You did a great job here with a topic that was original, if somewhat hard to work with. It was a little shorter than I'd like to see, but not by much. You certainly kept me entertained.

Keep on keeping on.

[Jason Boy]

Very Nice Idea, the column flowed pretty well overall a great job

[Martin Riggs]

You feed the front, while I feed back.

In reverse order (for a change)

Jason Boy, i thank you for your kind words. May blessing be bestowed upon you

Mavsy, you're my hero. I'm glad i could bring light into your life.

Len, thank you for those kind words, as long as we both keep bringing it, we'll each have something to read!

Cult Icon, I really don't know how i'm doing this, so let's just assume that the next column will be better... though i can't wait for my come-down column. Sad day it will be.

LipBomb, apologies for the stirring of bad memories. Let's hope next time i can prevail!

Petre, Robin Hood, although a popular choice, didn't spring to mind for any of the matches. As awesome as that film is, it sadly did not have a place here...


JamesunderscoreA, your words flatter me, Disney is something i had noticed a lack of in these forums recently. I took it upon myself to repopulate. Job done, i feel.

[Hustle]

Damn, I thought I had already left feedback for this.

Great job here. Definitely a topic that most wouldn't bother with, but you made it work. As someone who has compared wrestlers to obscure things in the past, I salute you.

Keep up the good work.

[sir sam]

Man bursting out into Be Prepared would actually make Orton's promos interesting.

[The Maz]

I actually plugged this before reading it (although it was more of a plug for you than this particular column) and I have to say, I am certainly not dissapointed I did. Very interesting and fun piece which was actually leaving me wanting more...

Oh and dont worry about the Skaos comparisons, the columns were not similar but I do recommend you read it if you can find it...

Great job.

[NightofDay]

Ha. Disney combined with wrestling. Never thought I'd see the day.

You made some excellent points about the comparisons. Hercules as John Cena? Perhaps. You could also add Triple H into that spot as well. Now you've given me thoughts about CM Punk dancing about in woman's clothes circled by mini versions of the other MITB columns.

Great and enjoyable read. Look forward to the next one.