International Fun Slide [f]

[cicero]

International fun Slide [f] by cicero

Welcome lovers to my latest playground fantasy, full of fudge packing and pink slits galore. Apparently then for this past week (or two) I have been feverishly fermenting a trilogy of wrestling hair columns. Believe me when I say dear reader that this is as much news to me as it is to you. Regardless of confusion though I have never been one to turn down a challenge (save when SkittleZ challenged me to make him cum) and as such present for you, my tortured audience, the finale of this three part monstrosity;

Back Hair (+ knuckle, leg, feet, shoulder, pubic, and belly)

Prolix;

Ignoring the obvious for the time being I popped on over to Google image search in hopes of learning the secrets of wrestling back hair (+ knuckle, leg, feet, shoulder, and belly). Rather un-shockingly I found this;

What this man is doing in a search for ‘wrestling back hair’ I do not know, he doesn’t even have any back hair for a start. Of course it’s not like I should be surprised, as I’ve already pointed out in the past the majority of wrestlers shave off any body hair they deem unseemly. Indeed in all my time spent searching for the hirsute side of humanity I only ever managed to find one picture that truly encapsulated the disgusting spirit of this column;

Not that one mind, I just felt like posting that anyway, rather the sole item of irrefutably hairy wrestling material I found was;

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet, that’s horrible. It’s no surprise the bulk of greased grapplers choose to shave their muscled mass, frankly I’d say it’s for the greater good if our only alternative is that thing up there.

So that’s enough of that then.


Principal;

Fuck it, nothing is working for me so I’m just going to preview the 24th anniversary of Wrestlemania. What’s that? The 24th you say, you got a problem with that? You’ve probably got a problem with me writing this then, well I’ve got a problem with me writing this; so fuck you, and fuck me, and fuck everybody cause I’m about to go Team CuntNose all over everybody’s ass.


Fuck if I care which match comes first, we’re just going by what Wikipedia tells me, thus with that being said let’s start with Shawn ‘Douche fag’ Michaels vs. Pimp Daddy ‘Taker.


I hear people have been waiting for this for quite some time; I hear that some consider this a cream match (yes I meant cream, those bithces cum for this shit) and a bonafide MOTY contender. Well to that I say; you’re all retarded. Who gives a shit about two geriatric wankers playing find the sausage for thirty minutes, you want to know when this would have been a dream match? Try ten fucking years ago when these two twats actually mattered. If I wanted to be ass raped by the strap-on of nostalgia then I’ll go pirate a copy of Badd Blood ’97 which, in case any of you fuckwits didn’t know, is when the first (classic) Hell in a Cell encounter was held; featuring, you guessed it, Shawn ‘I’m going to break your neck one day’ Michaels and The Undertaker.

Still, the unwashed masses want their morbid ‘Mania moment so for the sake of literary logic I’ll offer a few words of unbiased prediction; ‘Taker snaps HBK’s flimsy little neck before taking a dump in his left nostril; the crowd cheers, H sucks a shotgun, and everyone leaves happy from the greatest Wrestlemania of all time.

‘Taker for the win bitches.


My money’s in the bank mister, but you’ll need to climb this ladder to get it. Also you’ll need to fight CM Punk, Kane, Mark Henry, Montel Vontavious Porter, Shelton Benjamin, Kofi Kingston, Christian, and Fit Finlay in the Money In The Bank Ladder Match.


Christ that’s a lot of names and considering the average match time for these things is a shade under fifteen minutes one wonders if they haven’t over stuffed the goose a tad. Back when I first had a look at this match I supposed MVP would most likely emerge victorious from this match, having since though seen tales of a Big Show win I have found further cause to change my opinion. Of course who cares about opinion when you can instead talk shit? Not me that’s who.

Mark Henry for World Champ mother fuckers, I’m calling it in March. This fat fuck is going all the way you equally fat wrestling nerds and I just know each and every last one of you are going to hate it. You smelly sock puppets just can’t accept the brilliance that is The Worlds (formerly) Strongest Man. He’s hot shit on a stick.

I wuv Mark Henry (but I’m sleeping with CM Punk)


Holy Shit! It’s the world’s worst angle turned ‘Mania main event, Haemorrhoids H vs. Pretty Boy Orton


I hate this angle, utterly despise it, to me there is nothing of redeemable value to be found anywhere in this worthless excuse of a storyline. For a start it makes no sense, so far the only thing seemingly to have prevented Hunter from jumping Orton is the threat of him losing his spot on the ‘Mania card (everyone’s forgotten the lawyer angle yeah?) which in turn suggests HHH cares more for his wrestling title then he does his wife. If this really was all about Orton fucking with Steph then why hasn’t H just jumped in out in the parking lot and kicked his teeth in? I had this argument with someone the other night and they pointed out that concessions need be made for the sake of the shows dramatic licence, really? Fuck that. If the writers can’t muster together the necessary logic to write themselves a compelling an emotional storyline then they shouldn’t bother trying to do so in the first place. Frankly there was no need for any of this Stephanie bullshit to happen in the first place, Orton kicked the chairman of WWE in the fucking face; the mother fucking face. Could Vince not have asked his step-son to do him a little favour? Especially after Randy then proceeded to punt Shane McMahons ugly mutton chop straight to hospital. Is HHH really such a dickhead that he won’t stand up for his family? Orton could have then used his Rumble win to force a ‘Mania match and, voila la, no need to lick Stephanie’s face.

Seriously, what chance has Orton of losing?


Because we, can’t always get what you want, but if your try sometime, well, you might find you can get what you need and, let’s be serious, as far as Vince McMahon and the status quo are concerned John Cena is needed in the main event of Wrestlemania. Although interestingly enough TBS was the one to be added to this triple threat match of John Cena vs. Edge (c) vs. The Big Show


What was that I was saying about the Big Show... oh yes, you see before TBS was made the third wheel in this delightfully twisted love triangle (square?) rumours suggest he was in line to win the MITB match (presumably so as to insert him in the Smackdown main event scene) with that now not happening one can only presume there must be a pretty big chance of him winning this as MITB contract users have a perfect record when it comes to winning the title. Furthermore with Orton likely winning on the other side of the main event picture one would think this title is heading to Smackdown, so that at least (seemingly) takes Cena out of the running.

Between Edge and Show the question of pertinence appears to be, what of Vickie? WWE has made a pretty big thing about this match being as much about the love of Vickie Gurerro as it is for the love of championship gold; and it is within this sickly conundrum that I see the solution to this bout. Edge will not be walking away a winner as his marriage to the Smackdown Supremo continues to crumble, whilst super hottie Big Show will depart with little more than a quick hand job, instead I predict a twisted swerve of Cena and Vickie ring sex; replete with repressed fans howling victory over the Cena heel turn, only to later howl in remorse when they realise the intention is for Vickie to turn face.

Time top fuck things up boys, Cena FTW


Looking at this card I see a few things missing, no five star wrestling matches on the horizon and no highly enjoyable storyline based bouts either. One thing I do see however is the obligatory wink and a nod to all those wanking obsessed 14years olds who only watch WWE for a chance to see what their security enable internet browsers won’t let them. Bla, bla, bla..... 25 Diva Battle Royal


Who gives a shit who Miss Wrestlemania is?


Brothers should never fight, wink wink Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy.


I was being more than facetious just up there, I spoke truth nuggets. This is a match that should not be happening. This is a match only serving to stifle the forward momentum of these brothers.

Mind you I don’t like either Hardy, so what do I care how badly misused they are?

I predict this winner to be a Hardy


Now for a match I actually do give a shit about, The Colons vs. John Morrison and the Miz for all the Tag Team Marbles.

My earliest memories as a wrestling fan are of the Summerslam 2000 Tables, Ladders, and Chairs match. Years later after I had returned to the four sided ring one of the few things that kept me going were the Smackdown six and their crazy tag battles. My favourite TNA match was the Triple X vs. America’s Most Wanted bout from Lockdown, and when I first started to really get into ROH it was in part thanks to the brilliance of Kevin Steen and El Generico. To say I love tag team wrestling might be a bit of an understatement; to say I’m happy with World Wrestling Entertainment’s tag team division would be nothing short of blasphemy. I speak nothing but the truth though when I say that seeing this match brings tears of joy to my eyes; joy that things are, hopefully, heading in the right direction.

I don’t give a shit who wins, just unify the belts already.


Another match I’m quite happy with (in spirit at least) is the Intercontinental Championship match between John ‘has no soul’ Bradshaw Layfield and Rey ‘may also have no soul’ Mysterio


It’s been quite some time since the Intercontinental title has been contested at Wrestlemania, a little over seven years to be near exact. This is nothing short of a tragedy as far as I’m concerned; the Intercontinental title is amongst the most prestigious titles in WWE and is certainly a damn sight more important than the piece of shit World Heavyweight Championship they keep tossing about like it were the granddaddy of belts.

Along with this JBL apparently has plans for something ‘huge’ at the nights events, I’m hoping this has something to do with coke and bithces but I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if JBL revealed he had purchased a large quantity of WWE stock. Or something gay and topical like that.

Let’s give it another go boy’s, put the belt on Mysterio.


Holy crap what is Chris Jericho doing?


Seriously, what are you doing? This is an embrassment.

Argg...


Volition;

Free will is fuck. Which is ‘to’ fuck; like, right now. Seriously get going already, go fuck, for this is International fun Slide [F]; the fuck edition.

[Martin Riggs]

Aggressive?

Check

Opinionated?

Check

Sometimes Crass?

Check

But then, that's kind of really why we read this column, isn't it? Now, i may be jumping to conclusions, but you're not entirely happy with the Wrestlemania card, are you?

Good stuff, little over-aggressive at times but still, it was an entertaining read

[Leonard]

JBoom is right in terms of your over-aggressive nature in your writing, but I guess that's why we do read you. You bring something very very different to the forum here, and, honestly, I didn't like it at first. But now this column is admittedly becoming my guilty pleasure to read (don't read into that). Interesting thoughts on the WrestleMania card. I'm not sure I agree with it all, but I'll defend to the death that you're right to say it. Keep it up, friend.

--Leonard

[The Maz]

I think you have found the exact right balance here between being a prick (no flame) and wrestling related topic... It flowed nicely and the Mania predictions were nice to see presented differnetly to the host of similar columns we are going to see in the next few days.

My main gripe is there was anywhere near enough body hair here... what I mean by that is the offbeat and strange subject matter really suits you

[TheMonkeyBoy]

I really liked this dude, apart from the sick pics at the beginning lol.

As Mazza said, you found the right balance between aggressive and getting your point across, so theres a plus.

All in all, a solid effort here.

Well done, read ya next time

[SkittleZ]

Funny shit, Cici.

This reminded me a lot of a prediction column Nony did for No Mercy last year.

Mazzaball is right though. We needed far more body hair!

The humor and mature content was awesome throughout.

[Lemon]

Seriously get going already, go fuck, for this is International fun Slide [F]; the fuck edition.



The best ending to a column I've read. Kudos.

['Manyu]

Fun in bits, albeit a little 'strong' at times; but considering this is the 1st column of yours that I've read, I'd think that that's how your style is- deriving from the comments above me.

Interesting as far as the match predictions go (I'm guessing the main purpose of the column was to showcase your opinion on the WM matches and how you think they'll fare. If yes, then it did that in a novel, cool sort of a way).

Good'un. Read you next time!

[NightofDay]

Yeah I think you've earned the reputation of being Mr. Misery Guts around these parts. It was over aggressive but its something we've all expected from you. While I admit the WrestleMania XXV card is a bit underwhelming considering the majority of the IWC wanted it to be epic, it's not the worst WrestleMania card in the world. Shawn/Undertaker will be MOTN and Colons/Mizorrison could be a strong match. I'll elaborate more on this when I post my next column on Friday.

Looking forward to the next one.

[cicero]

Aggressive?

Grrr,

Check

Opinionated?

fuck you,

Check

Sometimes Crass?

wanker.

Check

but you're not entirely happy with the Wrestlemania card, are you?

I wish to this 'Mania card till so we can all and and tell to people when they say to all the doobies. Maybe but not, perhaps though and very with a touch of and a dash of all until and

You bring something very very different

A very berry double cherry bloody mary?

this column is admittedly becoming my guilty pleasure

Scandalous.

My main gripe is there was anywhere near enough body hair here..

see International fun Slide [h] (the hair trilogy remix)

apart from the sick pics at the beginning lol.

You lie, you know they make you tingle in your special places.

Mazzaball is right though. We needed far more body hair!

see International fun Slide [h] (the hair trilogy remix)

Seriously get going already, go fuck, for this is International fun Slide [F]; the fuck edition.



The best ending to a column I've read. Kudos.

I'm glad it took you so long to reply, guess you took my advice.

Interesting as far as the match predictions go (I'm guessing the main purpose of the column was to showcase your opinion on the WM matches and how you think they'll fare. If yes, then it did that in a novel, cool sort of a way).

I consider it to be all one big bumbum grease pile of bum gum juice.

Yeah I think you've earned the reputation of being Mr. Misery Guts around these parts.

That's so tragic.

While I admit the WrestleMania XXV card is a bit underwhelming considering the majority of the IWC wanted it to be epic, it's not the worst WrestleMania card in the world. Shawn/Undertaker will be MOTN and Colons/Mizorrison could be a strong match

• MOTN is an award of relativity