The Knight's Report # 9 - Epic Fail

[BeyondKnight]

Greetings and salutations Nation! It’s time for more awesomely sensational journalism, straight from my mind to your mind. Let’s get this epic mind-meld started!



Welcome to The Report, the CF’s only talk show that doesn’t know the meaning of the word plagiarism. That’s because one of the Interns ripped it out of our dictionary. But that was more because of our upcoming litigation with Comedy Central and a Mr. Stephen Colbert. Plausible deniability you know?

For some of you, this may be your first experience with The Report. I know it’s been a while since I have graced you with my presence Nation, but the suits at the network had put us on an indefinite hiatus. Actually it went beyond hiatus, the tyrannical fascists that pretend they are in charge around here put me on “quote unquote” biatus. Here’s the low down.

Apparently Fred couldn’t handle us calling him Fred anymore and had some kind of nervous breakdown. He starting kicking puppies, wrecking hotel rooms, pooping in purses, and getting stupid and cliché sleeve tats of skulls. He conjured up a medical condition and threatened to shut down the whole LOP network unless TKR was forever banned from calling him Fred. Of course, all the Fred-Heads of the world started to realize that these ridiculous actions made him look like even more of an untalented hack. They did what they always do, they blamed everyone else. Triple H for holding him down, John Cena for eclipsing his quote unquote “talent” with tee-shirt sales, and your truly for propagating an unnecessary moniker that causes him undue stress and mental anguish. They tried to force us out Nation, but we will never be silenced. The Knight’s Report is back and we will continue to dole out the Hot Steamy Truth (or HST for those of you compiling our Lexicon.)

Even though I can’t be held down Nation, I have decided to make some changes around here. Starting now I am done taking crap from self-absorbed main pagers who only look out for themselves and their spot.

That’s right, I am talking about you! Xan! Mr. North Star! Mr. CSI Judge! Mr. CF Rankings! Mr. Host My Own Competition To Choose Someone To Guest In My OTHER Main Page Column Where I Will Make Fun of Them There!

Nation, back in my now legendary debut I talked about how one day on The Report I would compare the ultimate super heroes, The Justice League of America, to our beloved WWE Roster. And what does Mr. High and Mighty Main Pager do? He creates his own list but quote unquote “changes” the concept to be about the X-men! And what repercussions did he face from blatantly ripping off my concept? NOTHING! He wasn’t chastised by the authorities in anyway, nor did he present me with my demanded public apology after confronted!

I know there is no way to prove it now, since Xan nuked all of the old columns simply to make himself look better! What was that Heretics? How can I prove that Xan was responsible for the reset? I don’t need to prove it Nation. My truths, just like America’s, are self evident!

But the final straw came when he eliminated me from his ridiculous CATHIE competition when I refused to help him propagate filth and his twisted desires for the exploitation of women. Yeah, I said it! Divas don’t need to be appearing in Playboy. And it appears that the WWE agrees with me, considering they don’t seem to have a Playboy tie-in to promote Wrestlemania 25. But has Xan conceded my righteousness and given me the recognition I deserve? Of course not!

So as of right now, I publicly denounce XanMan for the Heretic and Judas he is! When has he ever done anything for anyone that wasn’t completely self serving or underhanded! I won’t rest until he- Excuse me a moment Nation, a package has just been delivered to The Report…

*open envelope*

BK,

Here are 3 Ring of Honor DVD’s I’ve made you to help introduce you to the promotion. Hope you enjoy them! Also, I’ve got you booked with me and Sheep as our statistical analyst on a future edition of ETA. Good luck getting over the writers block and getting your column series back running, just don’t do something stupid like trying to blame your writers block on Randy Orton. XOXOXO …. Xan

Fine Nation, I concede. Everyone loves XanMan. But I still maintain that it was my idea first, and that I had called dibs! Who else but your Beacon of Knowledge would have the illuminating brilliance to combine wrestling and superheroes? What was that Interns? No I can’t take a call from SUPERFAN!; I am in the middle of a show here! You guys get worse every week!

And just to spice things up a bit, I am not only going to compare a Leaguer to a current WWE Superstar, I will also select a WWE Legend as the best representation of their heroic counterpart. So without further ado or main-pager defamation, we begin with our examination of:

The JLA / WWE Connection.

The Justice League is unlike any other team of heroes ever assembled. They are the most powerful and most respected heroes of the DC Universe. They are a verifiable Pantheon of Gods. These iconic heroes are so much a part of our culture that the character archetypes extend far beyond the ink and paint of the pulp page and into the squared circle of the greatest wresting company in history.

Superman

If I have to explain who Superman is, I am not sure that I want you as a member of the Knight’s Nation. Superman is the standard by which all others are compared to. While not human himself, he represents the best if humanity, inspiring us to better ourselves. Of course you’ll have those elitist pricks who claim that his character is simplistic and boring, but I chalk most of that up to jealousy that their favorite character’s insignia isn’t one of the top three most recognized symbols in the world. Superman has become an American tradition.

Today: John Cena.

Just as The Man of Steel is the centerpiece of the JLA, Cena is the figurehead of today’s WWE. While Superman fights tirelessly for Truth, Justice and the America Way, Cena extols the mantra of Hustle, Loyalty and Respect. Both men have an inexhaustible dedication to their mission. Superman will always be watching over humanity while Cena will always be doing his best to entertain his fans. John Cena is the embodiment of the Supeman ideal, simultaneously characterizing the American everyman and the ultimate champion.

Historically: Hulk Hogan

Superman is the iconic representation for the entire comic book business, while Hogan is and will forever be the most recognized icon of the professional wrestling industry. While neither may technically be the finest example of “excellence” in their mediums, their iconography will always overshadow everyone and everything else. In its prime, the WWF was built around Hogan as the central figure, just as Superman was and still is the center of the DC Universe. Hulk Hogan will forever be remembered at the brightly colored champion fighting for goodness and truth and justice. And just like the legacy Superman has created, Hulkamania will live forever.

Batman

The Caped Crusader is arguably the most popular super hero of all time, transcending his very medium. Batman represents the pinnacle of human potential and achievement. He made a vow on his parent’s grave to ensure that what happened to him would not happen to anyone ever again, training for years to mold his body and mind into the ultimate tool for the eradication of crime. A mere human among the metahumans, The Dark Knight is both respected and somewhat feared by his League compatriots and more often than not other members of the League are at odds with Batman’s unyielding and self-righteous methodology. But what can they do? Because at the end of the day, he’s the goddamned Batman…

Today: Triple H

Triple H is the complete package when it comes to being a professional wrestler. After years of training and discipline, Triple H has crafted his physique, character and attitude to the point where The Game persona has become more recognizable than the man behind the mask. It’s no secret that there has been some animosity between Triple H and other members of the WWE roster. Like the Dark Knight, Triple H uses fear and intimidation to achieve his goals, simply not caring who he might alienate in the process. Hunter is at his best when he is the stoic and brooding warrior, intent on fulfilling his personal vow to be the absolute best ever. And what can you do? He’s The Game, and he is that damned good.

Historically: The Rock

The Rock brought professional wrestling a kind of mainstream pop culture attention that it had never had before and never had again. The Rock’s popularity and charisma has completely transcended the wrestling industry, and is the only pro wrestler to be officially accepted a member of the entertainment community. Batman character has been wildly successful in whatever medium he has been used in. From high camp, to cartoon, to deeply grounded in reality, varying iterations of the Caped Crusader rarely fail to thrill and entertain the audience. The Rock has gone from a traditional wrestling heel, to the People’s Champion, to a Hollywood sellout, to an action star, to a family-geared celebrity. And with each variation, he has found tremendous success. The Rock has become larger than just wrestling, and Batman is larger than the comic book realm.

Well Nation, that’s all for our first installment of the JLA/WWE connection. Next up on the dais with be Wonder Woman and the Green Lantern. But for now, it’s Groove Time!

The Report’s Primary Groove

Ok, Nation. I really didn’t want it to come to this but I’ve got to get something off my chest. I am a failure.

I know, it’s harsh, but it’s true.

And Nation, I am not talking about my loss in the CSI competition (both of them), or my inability to put out a monthly edition of TKR (I should never have bought that HDTV). I am a failure over-all as a general member and contributor to the IWC. I just don’t fit in with the rest of them, and I have utterly failed in my attempts.

Of course there are a couple tenements contributing my alienation. A few are small things like –

- I prefer the version of Stone Cold’s Theme with the lyrics.

- I write columns and refer to people’s favorite with wacky nicknames.

- I don’t fault The Rock for his career choices.

Of course there are larger elements at play and we’ll discuss those momentarily, but Nation, I’ve got to tell you… I am pretty comfortable being a failure. In fact, in a way, I am almost proud.

Time and time again I correctly predict the trends and storylines that are going down on WWE programming, and for the most part I think they are great ideas. Doing so, I further alienate myself from my contemporaries who are denouncing what they perceive to be weaknesses and faults with the show. I am not talking about simply correctly predicting PPV matches; any idiot with half a brain can win a PPV prediction content. (Hi Skitz!) No, I am talking about being able to examine the product and truly analyze what is happening, and the intentions of those actions. This brings about my inevitable failure.

First example… Remember back a couple months when everyone and their brother was losing their collective shit about how MVP (or Purple Ranger Power as he is known around these parts) was being devalued and mocked with his losing streak, and how he could never recover? Here is what I said on the matter…

Originally Posted by BeyondKnight

“Look Nation, this is pretty simple. Even if you haven’t won a match in, oh say 11 weeks or so, that doesn’t mean you are being quote unquote “under-utilized”. Especially when the announce team is making special mention of your losses and how your next win will activate your incentive bonus. Nation, I know that when a wrestler screws up royally, the standard punishment is to have them quote unquote “job it out” for a while. However Nation, when that situation does happen, it usually isn’t mentioned on air by the announcers. JR isn’t usually that much of dick to rub it in like that.

Not every loss in every match is a result of Vince laying some HR smackdown. PRP’s current situation seems to be centered around the ideal that it would be a good thing to get the audience to care if PRP can win a match. Hmm, building and utilizing an emotional investment from the audience into a character? Does that seem like something that could really pay off for both Purple Ranger Power and the WWE down the line? Nah it couldn’t be a result of that, I bet he ate the last Hot Pocket in catering and Vince is making him pay for it.

I maintain that PRP is being pushed as we speak, and than when he finally achieves a victory he will be a better character and even more, a better asset to the company because of it. MVP is going to have to struggle, bite, and claw his way to a victory, more than likely humbling himself in the process. If subtlety isn’t your strong point, let me spell it out for you… FACE TURN!”

I told you so Nation. No one listened, but I told you so. As we speak, MVP has become a mid-card face, has defeated Shelton Benjamin for the US Title, and will be in MitB. Even if MVP doesn’t win at Mania and burst into the main event, he is still in a better place as a character due to the losing streak.

Of course it’s not only my usually dead-on perception that causes me to fail as a member of the IWC, it’s also my enjoyment of the moments that the rest of them condemn as awful and my overall perception of the product. The following is an unused entry of the Report for the CSI write-off to further illustrate my point…

Originally Posted by BK's Missing CSI Entry

Nation, The Knight had an epiphany in the last few days. Wrestling doesn’t always have to be high quality, perfectly executed athletic clinics for it to be memorable and enjoyable. Sometimes the scenario can actually out-perform the match. A lot of the time it makes for a more enjoyable show that way. I’ve watched wrestling for my entire life, and one of the moments that stick out predominately in my memory is one from when I was 8. It’s not held in the highest esteem amongst the pundits (read: Heretics) today, but it certainly rocked my little world when it was first being presented.

Almost 20 years ago the WCW entity unleashed a storyline like I had never seen before. Out of the shadows came a mysterious figure known only as The Black Scorpion. And this faceless evil was targeting my beloved World Heayweight Champion, The Man They Call Sting! No one could tell me who the Scorpion was. Not even my own father knew, and he knew everything about wrestling Nation! All I knew is that week after week I watched this masked villain with the creepy synthesized voice taunt WCW’s resident hero.

As the feud began to build, WCW kept piling on the mystery. I can remember racking my 8 year old brain to try and understand who was under that mask and why he would want to destroy Sting. I could never come up with any answers, but I knew that the Black Scorpion was dangerous. The Black Scorpion was not only mysterious; he had the power of black magic! I believe at one point, he used his sorcery to turn someone into a tiger. That wasn’t a joke Nation, stop laughing. Seriously.

OK, I admit to you “wrestling scholar smarks”, the whole thing seems silly and ridiculous. But as a child I bought into it full-heartedly. My tiny brain had just evolved enough to latch onto concepts like plot, dramatic tension, and secrecy. To an 8 year old obsessed with superheroes, The Black Scorpion was the shit.

Today Nation, we have become so much more “evolved” of an audience. We don’t need mystery to captivate us anymore; we have our precious inter-web to solve any conundrum that WWE chooses to throw our way. Why, our illustrious main page went straight to work just hours after someone prevented Jeff Hardy from making the Survivor Series. But this was in a time when mysteries in wrestling weren’t so easily solved. Scorpion’s taunting promos began running in August, but the mystery wasn’t resolved until December. 6 months might as well have been a lifetime for an intrigued and impatient 8 year old. Can you imagine having to wait 6 months for a mystery to be resolved today? That’s what I thought Nation.

At 1990’s Starccade the mystery was revealed. My father had gone to a buddies house to watch the event (my parents didn’t get cable until I was a freshman…in college). I can remember waiting up for him to come home, begging him for answers. The whole thing was a charade by the Nature Boy Ric Flair.

Of course, reality was much more boring than all the possibilities I had imagined. Turns out, the original idea had been to use the Black Scorpion persona as a means to bring Ole Anderson out of retirement. When ol’ Ole broke his arm in training, the plans went to shit and someone needed to don the mask in order for the farce to end. Flair agreed in return for another reign as World Heavyweight champion down the line. And what I remember as epic as a child seems kind of ridiculous 20 years later.

So why did I even bother to tell you all this Nation? Think of it as kind a cautionary tale. As an 8 year old, my world would have been crushed to find out it was all some kind of big mistake. And I have no doubt in my mind there are children out there that are going just as crazy to find out who and why someone attacked Jeff Hardy, and who is responsible for Vince’s accident. So the next time you Heretics decided to go on a tirade about “why would they even book something so utterly ridiculous and crazy”, remember there is a child out there who probably is completely enthralled.”

Nation, I don’t understand why some of you need to lie to yourselves. Many of you can’t accept the simple truth that wrestling is for children. The WWE-PG initiative is nothing new, and I think making it a staple of the product is the best idea they have had it a long time. This fact is at the heart of my ultimate failure as an IWC member. I am not a “wrestling purist” and I think that those of you that describe yourselves a such would be much happier if you could simply admit that you are a grown ass man (or woman) playing in the kids’ sandbox. Professional wrestling by its very nature forces us to engage on a level strikingly similar to children’s entertainment. The brightly colored costumes, the larger than life personas, the grandeur and spectacle of its very nature are all attributes that are aimed at children or the ever so referenced quote unquote “inner child”.

And yet we continue to tell ourselves that we have grown above that juvenile trite. Marking out is for the kids, and we will have no part of that. We have transcended about that. We demand more a compelling drama, a more complex narrative from men in tights who represent our sociological allegories. As they simulate real and metaphorical struggles they have the ability to represent the minutiae of our lives and their battles mirror our own psychological releases. You have fun with that Heretics…

I don’t know Nation, maybe it’s my disappointment at seeing so much Mania is going to suck diatribe, but I think that we as an audience have become so incredibly spoiled that we have begun to resent the WWE for not meeting our ridiculous expectations. People have been complaining about this Mania not being “Epic” enough, and for the jaded IWC that have been steadfastly critiquing and derailing every good faith attempt the WWE has been trying to bring us for the last 10 years, that may be true. I remain hopeful Nation, and if that makes me an IWC failure, than bring on the dunce cap and I’ll see you in IWC Summer School. I’ll be the guy with “Fred Sucks” written on his Trapper Keeper, talking about how much fun it is to watch Wrestlemania and feel like a kid again.

Good Night Nation!

[cicero]

our upcoming litigation with Comedy Central and a Mr. Stephen Colbert.

If that little prick Stephen Colbert ever accuses you of pagarism then you just call him a hypocrite and kick him in the balls; good times my ass... i'll kill that fucker.....


So when I first opened this up I thought, "Holy Testicles this is long", and was set to disparingly call you Skaos as a result. Then I actually read it and.... well, twas rather decieving. Still awesome and all that but somewhat lacking in the substance department. I'd give it an 8.9/11

[Leonard]

Welcome back! I think I've only read you once before, so it was nice to get familiar with the concept. I'm a fan of Dr. Colbert myself, so I could see this in my "mind's eye," and it worked really well. You have a knack for interspersing humor with your opinions. I also liked the callback to previous columns. Very good read...can't wait for the next one!

--Leonard

[JoeyShinobi]

I'm so pleased to see you back.

This was littered with little spelling mistakes and proofreading errors, but ultimately, I don't care, because this was awesome. Write more, you plagiarising loser.

PRP looks so uncomfortable as a face. Whereas you may have been right, it doesn't mean it made sense. Maybe it's because there are too many heels on Smackdown, and MVP is one of the few with any charisma, but I still prefer him as a heel.

You have been missed, sir.

[James_A]

Especially with the "write more you Pagliacci loser" comment.

Glad to see you made it back to the Columns Forum BK. The Nation has missed you, your quote-unquote "Beacon of Knowledge," as well as the power to rule your Fred.

This was a rather short effort but it was effective in its simplicity. I've already written a column (it was actually the first column you read from me, "The E is For Entertainment") mentioning that I chastised the WWE beyond realistic expectations when I had first been exposed to the IWC. I still do criticize WWE from time to time but when I do, it's much less about "I want teh reel rasslin!!1'" and more about how I think certain moves would best entertain people.

I did hold really high hopes for Wrestlemania, but really, what does the WWE expect? It's the biggest event of the wrestling calendar! I know there are people like Batista missing but that shouldn't throw everything off course. The MITB match could've easily been a six man affair while we were treated to another match in the midcard. At least let Brian Kendrick participate in MITB! Anyways, I'll finish this up before I ramble on too long. Good to have you back BeyondKnight!

[SkittleZ]

It's about damn time, homie!

Chock full of entertainment. I still say you remind me of a newer SUPERFAN (just funnier) so you must be doing something right.

The Superman and Batman comparisons were awesome but how is Undertaker not equivalent to the Caped Crusader!? It all fits together perfectly! You better have a good explanation for this, mister.

Don't let work get you down either. The CF could definitely use you more frequently. Nice work here, BK.

[SUPERFAN!]

I tried calling you during your intro but those damn interns wouldn't put me through. I already forgot what I was calling about so I'll just get to the feedback.

Let's see...

Spot on humorous Colbert Report satire? Check.

Fun topic including COMIC BOOK HEROES!? Check

Taking a look back at your past assertions to show us all your superior wrestling mind? double check!

Once again, you've done a great job. I look forward to the next installement of the wrestler/comic list.

But my personal favorite part of this was your missing CSI entry. Thank you for enlightening the IWC on one of the greatest storylines EVER in wrestling, The Black Scorpion. Too many people are always deriding that wonderful nay masterful storyline in all its thrilling suspense. I remember marking out over that entire storyline, and you're right, what some older fans would regard as stupid, can make a child's night!


I dub this a headbangingly great job!

[Roger Murtaugh]

Welcome back, the CF really missed you my man. You were pretty spot on the entire time with this and I was loving the past references to predictions you made.

The JLA/WWE connection has the potential to be epic, and I'm really looking forward to it.

Don't make yourself too much of a stranger in the future.

[Martin Riggs]

Two thumbs to you, sir!

I mark out like nothing else for comparisons. Don't ask why, it's a personal preference. And JLA/WWE was a little bit of awesome!

Do this again, pronto!

[NightofDay]

It's damn nice to see you back again BK. This was a very enjoyable read. You showed no rust whatsoever which is good. I can't say much apart from what the others said.

Looking forward to next time.

[Cult Icon]

very impressive. i remember reading some of your work before but not that much. really liked the comparrison between jla and wwe (though idt h fits the dark knight at all) and i really liked the humor. it did seem to drag on the rarest of occasion and such but otherwise i really enjoyed it. i will definitely tune in to your next edition

[The Maz]

EPIC WIN!

This is something the CF has sorely missed since, well I wont entertain your lies so I will say since you last posted. My only complaint would be not enough of the craziness, you have plenty of lost time to make up for. Don't really like Super Heroes but love comparitive pieces so found that part interesting. But please remember, nobody loves a smart arse, let alone a quote-unquote "smark arse", so put that in your lexicon.

[BeyondKnight]

F2F

cicero - Looking longer than I actually am has always been a talent. Although it has led to dissapointment in the past. As for the lack of substance, I struggled with the abstract of my arguement. It could have used another draft. Thanks for reading.

Lenny - Always nice to have a new reader. The callback for MVP has been published but the Black Scorpion section was new, and I'm glad I was able to use it finally.

Joey - It doesn't matter whether its good or bad, only that I was right! All kidding aside, the "I'm better than you T.O Style Schtick" (Terrell Owens, not our resident Fred Head) was wearing thin. I think a good feud with another quality heel can get MVP completely over as an uber-face. You were right about the typos in this edition, and I hope they didn't detract too much from the fun. Hopefully I can get back in my groove and get back to the Groove.

Jimmy - The Groove was shorter than normal, with the extended opening and the JLA sequence I didn't want it to go on for too long. As far as my discussion goes, I don't want to deny people their right to critcize, but I get frustrasted when people can't enjoy ANYTHING about the product because they are full of criticisms. That's basically how I feel about TNA, so I don't watch it. As for Mania, too many people had it booked in their heads months ago and are dissapointed that the real card hasn't matched up. I think its going to be awesome and open up lots of storyline doors and oppertunities. I guess we'll find out soon!

SkitZ - Being anywhere close to Supes' level is quite an honor, so thank you. As for the Undertaker/Batman scenario, I considered it but I think I have a better fit for him somewhere else. Thanks for the read!

SUPES - I loved me some Black Scorpion too. I wish I could find a re-cap of the story on DVD. Something tells me it might not be the best selling title ever released though. Glad you are digging the comparison piece. Thanks again for the feed.

Monkey - Sometimes I need to remind ya'll that in between the Fred jokes and the Nation proclaimations, I somewhat know what I am talking about. The throwback was from my 3rd column and I wasn't sure how many people would even remember it, if they had read it at all. I'll try and get back on better posting routine.

'Rang - Thank you for the compliments! Hopefully you can enjoy the next edition where we will dicuss Wonder Woman and GL.

Night - Awesome moniker by the way. I'm glad to be back from Biatus and while I know there was some rush, I'm glad it didn't show as much as I thought. Thanks!

Icon - I knew I might get some critcism for casting Triple H as Batman, but I think it works within the realm of the Justice League comparison. Also, I think there is a good parallel in the dymanic between the Superman/Batman comparison, and the Cena/Hunter one. Hopefully the rest of my choices will make a believer of you further down the line. Thanks for the read.

Mazza - Oh Maz, can't you at least entertain 1 of my lies? After all I've done for you too. Oh well, there will be plenty more lies in the future that you can entertain. "Smark Arse", I like that. I think I will steal it for my Lexicon. And everyone loves me... Thanks for the read buddy, and congrats with all you've accomplished in while I have been on Biatus.

Thank you again to everyone for all the great encouragement!

~BK

[J and Silent Dubb]

Well after four solid days of basketball (and away from the forum) and a couple of days to rest my seared retinas, I return to find a new Knight's Report. I am glad my petitioning over on the announcement board worked, and that you are back sir (I kid of course, because no one knows me from Jack Shit.)

It's wonderful to have the Report back, and I sadly missed it in it's absence. You came back in full form, and aside from a few spelling mistakes, another solid effort.

Looking forward to the next, TKR, the 1-0!