Examine the Irritation #1- Rasslin' for Real Rogues, Rejects, Roiders, and the Rest

[James_A]

With co-hosts (in alphabetical order) James_A and SkittleZ.

Welcome, one and all to “Examine the Irritation!” The only column where both hosts of the show have that uncontrollable itch in the nether-regions!

That's right, folks. We aim to infect! Er.... I mean inform you lovely chaps of startling factoids and tidbits you simply couldn’t come up with on your own. When you're struggling to put two and two together, we're the guys they call.

That's right Candyman! Boy, why am I speaking in exclamation marks?! It makes it seem like I'm yelling! Or excited! In any case, this column by SkittleZ and Jimbo will be teaching to your friends that wrestling isn't just a fake male soap opera. Because you see, our methods our eclectic and we won't bore you with a twenty page essay on Wrestlemania.

Definitely not. I mean we're not JoeyShinobi or XanMan. Oh fuck. He's a judge isn't he? Scratch that last part when you're proofreading, Jimmy.

We're live SkittleZ. Roll with the punches.

Ah yes. Nonetheless, there is more than meets the eye when it comes to this masculine yet fantasy world we in LOP love to surround our very existences around.

That's right because you see, wrestling isn't all fake. A lot of it is very real. So real that whenever somebody says it's fake, I just want to take my middle finger, turns that sumbitch sideways, and stick it straight up...
Whoa now easy there, Jimster. We're speaking to a PG-esque audience here. The numbers just came out the other day. We're aiming for that 10-15 demographic. But getting back to what you were saying, I wouldn't go with the middle finger when random foreign objects are so readily available.

Well then, what would you suggest?

You know, I'm almost tempted to go with the old spaghetti strainer but that seems too expected. Perhaps a condom made out of microscopic razors and shards of glass. Just imagine what it'd put women through!

And you're telling me that we're targeting the 10-15 demographic? We'd have better luck drawing in the black people. Oh dammit, there aren't any black people around are there? Ummm.... Hey I got this rabbit fur charm the other day! In fact they called it a talisman, though I wouldn't use it as a tool to teach someone a lesson. It's too soft.

You're fucking embarrassing sometimes you know that? I swear to God, you could get sucked up in maelstrom tomorrow and my life would be fifty fucking times better without you in it.

Oh yeah you fruity bastard?! Previous instances where I've professed to like you were fraudulent! I would beat you with this thing if it wasn't so soft and hairy! Oh my, that sounded sexual...

Getting back on topic may not be such a bad idea. Since you're too incompetent to do so, I will do the honors. The main thing that really irks me with the non casual wrestling fans who tune in for a show with a predilection or think because of the young audiences watching that a mainstream company such as WWE should promote a more salubrious style of entertainment. I say fuck that. Those ten or twelve people who aren't hip with the rasslin' after all these years can go watch Turner Classic Movies or A&E. I would shit in their mouths and duck tape it shut if I had enough fecal matter.

Oh jeez. A lot of big words in there... Think Jimmy, think… Yeah, it's like they're on a choo-choo train to “Assville.” But I see your point. I like watching women wrestle, but more on that later with our special guest (ooooh foreshadowing.)

Indeed. And boy do we have a surprise in store for all of you! Well that's not entirely true. The special someone seems to make more enemies than friends and he often treats the Columns Forum like an estranged lover but he's still a gifted talent!

Wait, are you talking about Benny or the godfather of the collab column?

Well I was referring to the latter but now that you've brought it up, I think it's time we addressed Mr. Affleck's little hatemail to the public. The following is an email sent to us by a world famous actor we all know as Ben Affleck. I've always held a fair share of respect for him until I opened up a semi-anonymous email from him that didn't sit well with me or Jimmy whatsoever. Read the tirade for yourself:

Every1LuvsBenny (8:33pm - Thursday February 5th)
Hey there wrestling gods or whatever you like to call yourselves. I was bored sitting in my trailer and decided to roam the internet. I stumbled upon one of your little wrestling columns and I can't tell you how sick you people make me. I may be an actor but what I do is a hell of a lot more entertaining than the crap Ed McCain or whatever his name is puts on television every week. And your lousy columns only piss me off more. Why would people want to watch your show when they could be checking out trailers for the new DareDevil movie on Youtube? Pro wrestling is poisoning the brains of people who could be running to the movie theaters to watch my awesome movies! I hope every one of you bastards die a miserable death. You little nerds watch shit like wrestling because you can't get women like my wife. Try a real sport for God sake. Before my lawyers have to get involved. Red Sox for life!

Wow. Where do I even start? Well Ben let me tell you this: You suck. Nothing you do is even remotely entertaining. I would rather shove broken glass into my rectum before I even think about viewing DareDevil once more. You are one of the worst actors on the planet and have only gotten to where you are through riding the coattails of your buddy Matt Damon. Why would you get your lawyers involved again? Your statements are as lousy as your movies. I would tell you to not quit your day job but you're fucking horrible at it!

Touché, my friend. I find it funny Butt Pirate Ben tried to suggest that movies are much more authentic than professional wrestling! WTF? No stuntmen are rewarded to the top performers in this sport, pal! And how are we any different than the same fucktards who promote or advertise your lame movies like fifth street whores? We're just as passionate as any fans out there. That includes NFL, NBA and MLB. Oh and how fitting Mr. Affleck mentioned the movie DareDevil when it just so happened to be one of the worst fucking superhero films ever created!

The funny thing is that he's about as blind to wrestling as the character he played in DareDevil.

Not a huge surprise though. Most outsiders don't know nor care very much for something that's built up so legitimately but ultimately one big work.

We could give various moments as to what outsiders actually thought to be real. The most recent one that comes to memory is Randy Orton nearly knocking Vince McMahon's block off. How the hell do you fake a kick to the head? “Wrestling is fake” my ass. The events might be staged for entertainment purposes but the pain and risks for injury are real. Mickey Rourke even admitted on CNN that wrestling just so happened to be a lot more physically demanding than he initially thought. And remember, this dude used to be a boxer.

A skilled fist fighter even. And that punt to the boss' noggin deserves all the publicity it’s gotten because they made sure that shit looked good for HD! Vince took it a helluva lot better than he did that punch from Bret during the fallout from the Montreal Screwjob. I think in every case where we've seen a celebrity enter into sports entertainment, the company of pro wrestling as we know it garners more respect. Just look at Floyd Mayweather and his match with Big Show at WrestleMania 24 last year. Even a fit ass little spider monkey like him couldn't have been any more out of his element. And Mayweather is all about conditioning and endurance!

No doubt about it. Skilled fighters being out of their element in something that's supposed to be make believe every step of the way? But then again people are underestimating that there are much more dimensions to wrestling business than just the staged portion. Like here we have Mr. Affleck criticizing pro wrestling when it remains in the same vein as his line of duty. It's entertainment that requires conditioning, endurance, and actual skill in the sport of wrestling. Hence the term "sports entertainment."

Hey, remember when Mick Foley took that nasty dive off of a giant cell? I was watching my HIAC DVD the other night and I know you happen to own a copy too.

I think a lot of today’s younger fans missed out on that which is a crying shame as we all know those were the WWE's peak years. I didn't see the bout live either (actually began watching wrestling about a month afterwards) but have bore witness to countless replays and highlights since. When you can basically derive the same reaction from fans and marks alike (who are just watching the match for the first time on DVD), that's fucking saying something right there. Keep in mind that event took place over a decade ago.

That's really something to think about there. Admittedly I missed out on that too but had also caught tons and tons of replays. Which also reminds me that there used to always be this disclaimer at the beginning of every RAW and SmackDown! warning against trying anything of the sort at home. That clip was in there.

Again there are risk factors involved in wrestling and many other things that will take away from the stereotype of that one-dimensional fantasy world the media and general public likes to depict the wrestling industry as. Just watch any of those disclaimers some time. Images like HHH tearing his quad, Hardcore Holly suffering a huge gash on his back, and Austin getting piledriven right into a permanent neck (and possibly spine) injury. Things like that make people say to themselves, "Oh wow. Maybe that wrestling stuff isn't as 'fake' as I thought."

It seems as if Jim Ross never gets tired of reminding those watching at home how very real the product is standing before them. That fat southern bastard wore the shit out during the Attitude Era but the point is he's stressing the truth. Those who don't care for this brand of entertainment just label it as fake without giving it the benefit of the doubt. I can't even tell you how many times I've talked one of my non wrestling buds into watching a show with me and how drastically his views on pro wrestling were altered by the conclusion of the broadcast.

That's really funny. My friend just recently saw Orton's "Superbowl winning punt" on McMahon. It's really a hook for both those who think wrestling is fake and those who used to watch the product. If you find wrestling fake, there are alternatives like MMA or boxing to go to, yet they don't have what wrestling has: gimmick matches and drama. SKittleZ would you like to explain the "drama" part of pro wrestling?

Not really but since you fucking set me up or failure, I'll play along willingly. While drama has always been an intricate part of professional wrestling, we may have never seen better examples of it than we have over the last calendar year. Just look at the HBK/Jericho feud from last year. A program which many didn't think would add up to much ended up twisting and turning for over seven months and had most fans in awe.

Same goes for the current HBK/JBL program which is playing out before our very eyes. Management and the writers take real life situations and scenarios into account when coming up with various storylines and angles. They've opted to go with our slumping economy as Michaels has been forced to work for Bradshaw in order to gain financial stability. While it may reach the outer realms of realism given HBK's profession, it boils down to suspense 101.

Well said my fruity friend. Do we really see guys in boxing leagues or MMA leagues really getting into a blood feud? Not really. Whenever those guys step in the ring, it's usually over a title or title contention. Now with pro-wrestling, there could be infinitely many reasons that Wrestler A is facing Wrestler B. Perhaps Wrestler A socked Wrestler B's wife in the face, bought out his contract, or even stole his girlfriend. It's that diversity of drama which makes us enjoy pro-wrestling over something like boxing or MMA. Now as for gimmick matches, they basically quadruple the variety in matches and in the business. Tired of seeing one on one battles? Wish those boxers would resort to grappling or even kicking once in a while? Tired of seeing the same damn wrestlers in the same damn cage for the same damn title? Boy does pro-wrestling ever satisfy your needs!

You would surely make it big in the commercial business, Jimmy. But you hit the nail on the head with the extracurriculars that come with pro wrestling that aren't accessible in the world of real sports. And it isn't as if we're talking about a handful of choices. The possibilities really are fucking endless.

Enjoy a little dos on dos entertainment? Tag team matches are the way to go. Fancy a ménage à trois? A Triple Threat contest is right up your alley! Foursomes suit your fetish? Better make it a Fatal Four Way bout! It doesn't end there either. WWE's got even crazier concepts that stretch from Championship Scramble matches (which includes 5 participants) to the annual Royal Rumble (which hosts 30 different wrestlers).

Oh it’s that serious folks. And don’t call me “Shirley.”

Those are some mighty fine concepts but believe it or not it doesn’t stop there. The diversity of professional wrestling matches doesn’t just end with the number of participants. Even the traditional rules could be modified to be built around foreign objects, an extended time limit, multiple pinfalls and/or eliminations. In fact, there happens to be a match that combines all those aspects.

And she goes by the name of the Elimination Chamber. Now I don't know about you Jimmy but that is one bitch I wouldn't wanna end up in. More diabolical than even the brutal Hell in a Cell, the Elimination Chamber consists of six individuals who must tear their bodies apart (not literally you cannibalistic bastards) in order to come out victorious. Six enter but only one ever walks out victorious though not without enduring a little pain and punishment.

And it just so happens to be a part of a double main event at No Way Out, correct?

Why are you asking me!? You probably watch more wrestling than I do! But yes, we have two Elimination Chamber matches. One chock full of stars, while the other includes a superhero taking on four midcarders and a dude who beats up on helpless fans.

You're right on the money SkitZ. On that first part, second part, and... Wait a minute! Mike Knox beats up on midget wrestlers you nincompoop. Not fans.

I was talking about Chris Jericho you fucktard! You know I really wish Sheep would've been kind enough to pair me up with someone intelligent enough to surpass a fifth grade reading level.

Says the man who's highest level of literature is “Captain Underpants.”

Shut the hell up. I read the entire Harry Potter series as well! I could easily poke fun at your ethnic background(s) but I will be the bigger man and keep it clean. Wait... what was the topic again?

You hurt my feelings with that penis joke.

Who said I was talking about cocks!?

Umm... Hey! You know, I think we were on the subject of the Elimination Chamber.

Now it's all coming back to me! It's no secret that UFC and shit of that nature is the big fad right now. Even admittedly more popular the pro wrestling is in its current state. However I don't care if you watch World Extreme Cagefighting (WEC) or some other violent MMA organization. A structure such as the Elimination Chamber match provides all the brutality a single person could handle. Blood, multiple combatants of all shapes and sizes, countless weapons, hardcore action, and it all takes place inside a torture device.

Multiple combatants of all shapes and sizes? Is that another shot at my?... Anyway, the chamber is quite a brutal contraption. If you've never seen one, I suggest you look at No Way Out to bear witness this brutal event. It should be very entertaining for pro-wrestling virgins.

While Jimmy's earlier comments are accurate, please don't feel obligated to tune in for the replay. I'm sure it was good stuff but with the depressing economy that has quickly engulfed this country, I suggest you start saving up for WrestleMania 25! I hear it's going to cost an arm and a leg to order this year on pay per view.

But even with RAW's Chamber you get some insane feats of athleticism from Kofi Kingston and Rey Mysterio. With SmackDown! you'll get all the top dogs on the show go at it in the chamber. I say it's worth a look-see if you're new to wrestling. Though not obligated, it's recommended even if just for the Chamber events. Though if you can't afford both WM25 and NWO, opt for WM25.

And whatever you non wrestling fans do, never order a TNA pay per view UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. The results can be downright unfortunate. I've heard tales of blindness, violation of human decency, vomiting, and male de-hancement.

Trust us on this one non wrestling fans. Don't even mention TNA to your friends. If you do, you will risk making CourtTV's list of dumbest fans, losing all respect from your peers, and just looking like an idiot. It is NOT worth it people. We can't stress this enough.

They're not fucking infants, Jimmy. Back off already. I'm sure our readers understood the first time around.

You can never be too safe about these things SkittleZ. We can't risk our readers suffering brain damage and missing our awesome columns.

Well to my knowledge, there will only ever be one collaboration between us as this is only happening because of this stupid tournament. And besides, I really don't plan on writing any other columns with you before 2040.

Well would you look at the time, we should get to our special guest right about now. While our special guest lets us in on the magic of women’s wrestling, SkittleZ and I will talk outside for a bit. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the godfather of the collab column... The G-Spot! (Also known in some circles as TheGodfather.)

Well, I've been asked to write about why women's wrestling is worth watching. Well... It's not.

The majority of people reading this column are wrestling fans. I'd guess that most of them are heterosexual, but when the MOTY lists are drawn up, not once have I seen Kelly Kelly (Kelly?) vs. Candice Michelle included. Stacy Kiebler vs. Torrie Wilson in a bra and panties pillow fight was not awarded ***** by Big Dave. And Lita is never remembered for being a great women's wrestler – she's remembered more for cheating on Matt Hardy (boo!) with Edge (boo!).

Actually, I'm not sure any of those matches actually took place. I don't really know because of why women's wrestling isn't worth watching. It's boring.

Do you remember that Stone Cold promo during a Lance Storm match where he laid down and went to sleep, occasionally shouting 'Boooooring!' Well, women's wrestling is quite like that. On the Sabu scale of Botchicity, they usually rate about a 7, but never make up for it with the same feeling that you get in a Sabu match which is, “If I keep watching, someone's bound to get hurt – and it'll probably be the guy with the finger that keeps pointing towards the ceiling. Why is he doing that anyway?” And before they go to Wikipedia the answer, Sabu has impaled his head on a barbed wire hotdog stand.

So if the wrestling is not the reason we watch, what is? SkittleZ and James_A, have asked me to elaborate on why women's wrestling is worth watching and the simple answer is that it isn't. However, the women themselves... Well, I think they can convince you on their own.

In conclusion, it doesn't matter whether Awesome Kong and Beth Phoenix can put on a ***** mat classic – the reason why you should watch women's wrestling is that Melina Kelly or Candice Kiebler are stunning. Now, onto something more important, the preponderance of ––––

Err... Godfather, we asked for 323 words. That'll do.

Shut up, jerkass. As the greatest columnist on this humble message board, author of the most viewed column ever (look it up, chode), I feel that I should comment that I totally distance myself from the utter rubbish written above me. However, you should not fear because I shall be concluding this column with…

Beautiful Godfather. I think I just soiled myself in a heap of rage. Goodbye. Right now we're about to wrap this up with a little role play.

Hey SkittleZ, you are Sean_Taylor, who has a gimmick of one of those teachers who often got pantsed in high school. What do you do in order to not suck so horridly?

Shaun Tailor: Well there's not really much I can do. Writing nothing but history columns makes me come off as boring to students and doesn't exactly endear me to women. That's why I go hang out at the Toronto Cafe every Friday and Saturday for karaoke night but no luck with the ladies yet.

Hey what about that Ry P character? Do you know what his deal is, Jimster?

Oh I definitely do. Look at me! I’m Rice Pee! I smoke and support marijuana! Am I cool and hip and down with the kids yet? I guess I'll keep playing with toys then. That must be why I'm never around the forums! I’m also a card carrying member of the H.O.C. (handful of cunts.) Surely this will win me a free spot on the main page. If all else fails I can play the “firecrotch” card and sue this website for all it's got! I'm so cool.

Shaun Tailor: Well that's fine but don't forget who's higher up on the LOP food chain. I am a Main Page columnist who sees fit to fly through columns as frequently as masturbation sessions. And I hail from Canada where wrestling was born. We also have hockey, Eskimos, crepes, bobsledding, ice fishing and hold the title of suicide capital of the world. Hmmm. Wonder why that is...

Okay okay SkitZ, calm down. We wouldn't want to get sued. You heard Ray Pee.

My bad. I do apologize for my previous comments. Just get a little carried away sometimes. E-fedding tickles my fancy.

As I'm sure it does with Shane Trailor and Raper. Well, that looks like all the time we have for this first edition of “Examine the Irritation.” Any final words you'd like to share with the audience?

Suck my hairy balls. And then you are forbidden to use floss or a toothpick for at least 48 hours.

Well I guess that's what he means by "taste his rainbow." Anyway, unless this itching stops, we'll be seeing you again some other time. This is Jimmy and SkittleZ signing off!

[TheMonkeyBoy]

That was some hilerious (or however you spell it) stuff right there. You had me LOL afew times there, mind you i do lauth all the time but still that was funny as fuck.

Good job.

[JoeyShinobi]

This was crap. Honestly, what on earth were you two thinking? You've lifted the format from somewhere too, I just can't think where I've seen it.

By 'crap', I mean 'hilarious'. And by 'what were you two thinking?', I mean you both really pulled together and put out something that was entertaining and well constructed. Good luck.

[cicero]

Originally Posted by GREATEST INSULT EVER. from today

Previous instances where I've professed to like you were fraudulent!

chode=choad.


this wasn't bad, not the greatest conversation i've ever read but certainly far from the worst.


as far as getting someone to watch wrestling though... eh.... maeby.





edit- i forgot to add, were either of you two around during ETA?

[XanMan]

You're kidding, right? It was a straight parody, with Role Play and everything. Plus, their title pic had part of the most recent ETA banner in it.

[The Maz]

Well I don't know what ETA is but I know I enjoyed this column. There were some very good points made here mixed in with the comedy so a job well done.

[XanMan]

The most recent Excuse The Aggravation

[The Maz]

Well I feel stupid now.

I assumed you guys were talking about some US tv show!!!

[XanMan]

It's okay. Working with Deg will do that to you. I'm still recovering.

[cicero]

You're kidding, right? It was a straight parody

so i guess i wasn't too clear, a situation i'll seek to remedy now.


i know it was a parody, twas never suggesting otherwise, rather what i was a wondering was whether they were here back when it was you and doublehelix.

[James_A]

Monkeyboy- Thank you for your comments. We're glad you found it enjoyable and a bit eclectic.

JoeyShinobi- Oh yeah? Well... Go to Hell Joey! And by "go to Hell" we mean "thank you very much we appreciate your feedback." Previous instances where we professed to like you were veracious =P

cicero- Chode is spelled "chode" according to Urban Dictionary. But enough about the spelling of petty slang words, we're glad you enjoyed Jimmy's comment blasting SkittleZ. We weren't around for the original incarnation of ETA. In fact, neither of us were around for Xanman's original run on the Main Page! Thanks for your honest feedback on our first column together.

Mazza- You got caught with your pants down buddy. We're sure that'll lose you some points with Xan and Sheepster. Good luck lol. Thanks for your encouraging comments

Xanman- Hi. We're glad you were able to spot the parody. We (especially Jimmy) hope one of us and Degen make it to the Finals to have him pay for causing you such grief.

[The Godfather]

Mediocre, at best.

Apart from the awesome bit in the middle with the purple guy. He's awesome.

[TheLipBomb]

Aww hell guys,

Well done. I enjoyed it from start to finish.
I think there is as much drama in wrestling as there is on this forum.

I can't wait to see the outcome of this shindig.

[SailorJerrry]

Funny and yet concise. Exactly what I would expect from each of you and even better because we get two for the price of one!

I really enjoyed this. I'm so pleased I don't have to pick the winner...

[Roger Murtaugh]

Oh yeah you fruity bastard?! Previous instances where I've professed to like you were fraudulent! I would beat you with this thing if it wasn't so soft and hairy! Oh my, that sounded sexual...

Golden line

Great work here I really loved the ETA parody and thought you guys did a great job of blending your humor without getting terribly away from your topic. The trash talking at the end was good stuff.

Off to read the last column and cast my votes.