(CSI) Sean Taylor's Roast of Vince McMahon

[Sean_Taylor]

(As a fair warning to all readers, the following column contains adult situations and strong language not suitable for people with . . . oh what’s that called . . . oh yeah, no sense of humour. If you don’t have a sense of humour or if it’s been compromised by a disease or a smug sense of self-worth, this column may not be for you. The rest of us will enjoy some laughs while you pout in the corner. Enjoy the show!)

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to my special Roast of Vince McMahon. He’s the man who revolutionized sports entertainment in the 1980s. He created a pay-per-view spectacular held every year in March or April. When challenged by Eric Bischoff and Ted Turner, he stood his ground and fought back. Eventually he bought his competition and created a sports entertainment monopoly in North America. He was the creative force behind Hulk Hogan, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, The Rock, The Undertaker, Triple H, and many more. He is a multi-billionaire and one of the most recognizable faces in sports and in entertainment. He is Vince McMahon and tonight, we’re here to honour this man. Or perhaps, dishonour the legacy he has left behind.

Over the years, McMahon took his company from humble beginnings to great financial prosperity. He is a boss, husband, entrepreneur, father, grandfather, and Hair Club for Men gold level member. For being sixty-plus years old, he has an impressive physique and even appeared on the cover of Muscle & Fitness magazine. Muscle & Fitness is the gay porn secret for guys still in the closet. Right, Skittlez? McMahon is quite possibly the biggest heel in the last fifteen years thanks to his feud with Steve Austin. This is quite amazing considering he takes the Stunner like a department store mannequin with epilepsy. Vince, we love you and that’s why we’re roasting you here tonight.

There will be a change in the schedule. Zach Gowen couldn’t make it tonight. He really wanted to though. He said he’d give his right leg to be here.

It’s good to see The Ultimate Warrior here tonight. It is Ultimate Warrior still right? You haven’t changed your name again? You know, when I called him to invite him here tonight, I had to look up “Warrior, Mr.” in the phonebook. It was in the prank call list under “Jablowmee, Haywood” and “Rotch, Mike”. Remember his face paint, arm tassels, and teased up hair? After seeing him, I had to apologize to RuPaul for calling him the worst dressed transsexual I’d ever seen. And what was with the One Warrior Nation having two people? Did your face paint have lead in it? Now, you’ve had some pretty epic confrontations with guys like Randy Savage and Andre the Giant but what the hell happened at Halloween Havoc 98 against Hogan? I’ve always said there’s nothing like a good grappling contest – and that was NOTHING like a good grappling contest. It was like watching two elderly men fighting over the last empty colostomy bag. Seriously, even Bastion Booger was complaining about how much that stank. But congratulations on your recent title win over Orlando Jordan. It’s good to see you still facing big names in the business. Orlando is here tonight by the way. That reminds me. Don’t forget to tip your waiters.

Orlando: Dammit! I always forget the damn specials!

We have a strong contingent from TNA here tonight. They all got front row seats because they’re so short, they wouldn’t have been able to see from the back. I have to ask Consequences Creed a question. If you’re going to rip off a character, should you have at least ripped off one that actually won a fight on film? Speaking of cheap forgeries, everyone please welcome Jay Lethal. While I certain agree that the “Macho Man” was a great character, I hope that you’re not planning to copy his entire career. Another bad rap album like that just might bring about the apocalypse. But no one from TNA compares to Don West. Donnie, whatever the doctors have you on, I want some. It is indescribably amazing how a man can be so excited about practically everything while wearing a pink tie and a bright yellow shirt. After watching Impact last week, I ordered the Ginsu knives you were hocking on QVC. I’m planning on slitting my wrists so the sound of your voice in my head would finally stop. Good luck with the heel turn. It’s going to be so different to hate because I’m supposed to.

And he thought TNA was a step FORWARD for his career.

Sable, you’re looking as beautiful as ever. Sable complained that Vince only hired her to exploit her body in lewd, sexual ways. Well of course he did, honey. He certainly didn’t hire you for your acting abilities. Cheer if you remember Sable’s big feud with Jacqueline in 1999. Did you hear that, Sable? Yeah. Neither did I. And now you’re married to Brock Lesnar. Talk about robbing the cradle. Sable has breast implants older than Brock. One more facelift and she’ll look just like Brock’s back tattoo. I recently watched Brock versus Kurt Angle from Safeco Field in 2003. Brock missed that Shooting Star Press and hit his head pretty hard. His eyes were more glazed over than a Krispie Kreme doughnut. I heard that when Brock finds out it’s Sable’s “time of the month”, he whispers to himself “Uh oh. Here comes the pain.” But at least he has those giant fun bags to play with. Jesus Murphy, Sable. If those things get any bigger, NASA is going to classify them as dwarf planets.

Sable: Would you look at that? He got my pubes on his face again.

Speaking of saggy breasts, I see Ric Flair made it in tonight. Seriously though, Flair had one the greatest careers in this industry. He’s spilled more blood than his hair could ever mop up. He’s cried more tears than that statue of the Virgin Mary. What’s with all the crying? Ric Flair cries at everything. He cries in the ring. He cries backstage. He cries when thinking about Charlotte, North Carolina. He even cries when there’s no prize at the bottom of his cereal box. But his serious promos are always intense. Before Flair, I’d never seen a man get so angry at a suit jacket. But I guess that comes with age. Flair is so old. (How old is he?) He’s so old, even his male member has varicose veins. He used to be the “dirtiest player in the game”. Now he’s the “horniest patient in the retirement home”. I know Flair has to leave early tonight. He doesn’t want to miss the Early Bird Special at Denny’s. But I can only kid Ric Flair. I have a lot of respect for him. He’s the only guy I know who can go bankrupt and then open a financial advisory business in the same year. In order to do that, he has to have bigger balls than Chyna.

Speaking of Chyna, it’s great to see that she could drag her drunken ass down for the show. Little known fact: Chyna is the only reason the alcohol industry hasn’t asked for a bailout. She is the only person on Earth who can drink Jake Roberts under the table. After watching One Night In Chyna, I couldn’t get an erection for a week. Good heavens that was awful. You know when the Viagra commercials say to go to the doctor if your erection lasts longer than four hours? All they do is pop in a copy of your sex tape. Chyna’s “love button” gives me penis envy. Chyna is the only woman to be considered for Time Magazine’s Man of the Year. Bill Goldberg saw Chyna jogging one morning and suddenly came up with the idea for <I>Bullrun</I>.

They tried to make me go to rehab. I said, “No, no, no.”

I have to ask everyone something. Isn’t Vladimir Kozlov the ugliest bastard on the roster today? When Kozlov looks at a clock, he doesn’t just stop time. He spins it backwards. He didn’t leave Russia in hopes of achieving fortunes in America. He was kicked out for making the cabbage turn by simply walking by the fields. Kozlov’s mother asked the doctor is a fourth term abortion was possible.

The poster child for condom use.

One of my all-time favourite heroes is here tonight. Everyone welcome “Rowdy” Roddy Piper. Piper is one of the greatest bad buys out there. It’s too bad he couldn’t make his movie career work as well as his in-ring career. Does anyone remember Hell Comes To Frogtown? No? Colour me surprised. This wonderfully crappy feature film starred Roddy Piper as Sam Hell, an army prisoner in a post-apocalyptic world where men are infertile. In exchange for his freedom, Sam Hell is taken to Frogtown to impregnate the local women. But there’s a catch, if he tries to leave the city boundaries, a bomb will go off. Where is the bomb? Attached to his private parts. Think about that and let it simmer in your mind. Doesn’t that make you want to drop ten dollars to see it? It’s like Transporter 3 meets Miss March but with special effects that rival Miss Andersodo’s third grade play.

Critics everywhere agree: This is a movie.

But enough of the warm up acts or “curtain jerkers”, if you will. It is about time we got around to the main event of this evening’s show. Our Guest of Honour, Vince McMahon. Vince, for what you’ve done in the industry, I have the utmost respect for you. But what I really envy you for is all of the Divas that you’ve had fawning over you. Vince had his head bouncing around between more soft bumpers than a pinball. And who could blame him? He’s more silicone close up than John Holmes at an adult film convention. Starting with Sunny in the mid 1990s. She was smoking hot and every time she would come out and sit on your lap, I’d want to reach into my screen and trade places. Through the years you were involved with sexy Divas like Torrie Wilson, Candice Michelle, and my personal favourite, Trish Stratus. You are a pimp! At least, it looks that way on the surface.

I don’t want to accuse Vince of swinging for the sissy team, but I seriously doubt Liberace had as many men physically kiss his ass than him. Only a San Francisco Treat would demand that so many muscular physiqued men plant their lips on his derriere. Were the on screen relationships with the Divas just a cover up? Why else would you surround your self with guys like the Spirit Squad? Four young, hot, studly guys in tight spandex cheering you on. “One. Two. Three. Four. McMahon let’s us in his backdoor! Five. Six. Seven. Eight. With Vince McMahon we copulate!” Did you let them in one at a time or after your “business relationship” with Big Show, was there enough room for all five? Why is Pat Patterson winking?

Oh! I didn’t see you back there, Pat.

Vince, despite being the man to create names like “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, Bret “The Hitman” Hart, and the “Heartbreak Kid” Shawn Michaels, you’ve come up with some really bad characters in your time as well. I’m sure you must have said, “One day, Men On A Mission will get over.” Well that one day was a Tuesday and I’m sure Big Titty 5 thanks you for it. Who could forget about Duke “The Dumpster Droese or the evil plumber T.L. Hopper? I certainly can’t - no thanks to you. Duke hailed from Mount Trashmore. Did you know that, folks? Mount Trashmore. Don’t think about that too much or else it’ll start making as much sense as Max Moon being from Uranus. Again with anal fetish! What gives? But probably your greatest worst creation was the Gobbledy Gooker. You carried that giant egg for months and the Gobbledy Gooker was the best idea you could come up with? What about dressing Lord Alfred Hayes in a French maid costume and having him vacuum the ring mat for ten minutes? No. THAT would have been stupid!

But your harebrained ideas weren’t just for characters. Remember a couple of years ago when Hornswoggle was your son. God, that went on forever. It was like watching a Randy Orton promo but even slower and more boring – if that’s even possible. But nothing was longer than the “Dr. Heinie” sketch. What was as if the Lord of the Rings trilogy had the entertainment value of a floor buffer. And again with the anal stuff. You should have edited it down. Kind of like the hack job you did with your limo blowing up. I’ve seen better editing jobs in an amateur porn video. You really should have asked for a helping hand. Like maybe Mae Young’s hand. But the topper to all of it was the story of the precious and innocent Katie Vick. If I knew that I was going to suffer through that, I would have had Triple H screw my brains out too.

Kane, I’ve already told you. My last name is Birchill. B-I-R-C-H-I-L-L!

You’ve also tried your hand at some other endeavors too. You and Hulk Hogan gave us No Holds Barred. The cinematic parallel to forced prison sodomy. Ooh, Hulk Hogan takes on the role of a wrestler. What a stretch. How long did it take you to invent that character, Edison? Then there was the World Bodybuilding Federation. Wow. Watching ‘rioded up guys pose for three hours? Where do I sign up? Frankly, I’d much rather watch Vickie Geurrero try to convince people she’s not driving Eddie’s name in the ground for a paycheck. And when you were looking for a spokesman for the WBF, was Lex Luger really the best you could find? The man has the personality of a bearskin rug and mic skills that even Batista would look down on. Admit it, Vince. Lex was just another BFF – and the “B” doesn’t stand for “best”. That brings us to the XFL. What can I say about that tremendous failure that hasn’t already been said? It got lower ratings than reruns of Joanie Loves Chachi. Not even heroin addicts can watch Joanie Loves Chachi. You’d have been better off making David Arquette your World Champion.

Well folks, that about wraps up my time. Vince, for all the things you’ve done for the fan in me, I both hate you and love you. You are without a doubt a mad lunatic and there’s nothing more we need at the helm of the “E”. They say there’s a fine line between genius and insanity and you have both feet on either side of that line doing that horrible wide-stanced strut everyday. It’s people like you that show the rest of us what happens when we don’t get enough sleep but somehow you always end up pulling something out of your ass to make us want more.

You are a greedy, selfish, heartless bastard and we all love you. Good night everybody!

[Hustle]

First and foremost, congratulations on reaching the finals. I hope you're proud of yourself for that, as well as everything else that you've accomplished in your relatively short time here.

I applaud the idea of a roast column. I've been a fan of that type of comedy for as long as I can remember, so bringing it to columns seems natural.

However, it's not something everyone can do. Even some professional stand-up comedians can't quite get the intricacies of that style down. Some styles are perfect for it, which is why Jeffrey Ross is really good on Comedy Central's roasts, but his stand-up routine is nothing special.

You didn't do terribly or anything. You had some humorous lines here, but I was left feeling a bit underwhelmed. Perhaps it was the level of viciousness Vince has dealt with from people on TV for years, making a roast less effective unless something downright mean is used.

Whatever it is, this just wasn't what it could've been. I wouldn't necessarily hold that against you, though. Good luck.

[J and Silent Dubb]

Sean - Good stuff as always.

That being said your roasting of the 'curtain jerkers' lasted almost as long as the roast of Vince himself. I would have preferred a little more on Vince, and his endevors. 'Tis just my opinion.

Overall though this had a very good flow, with no glaring errors, and good use of pics.

[Petre Dyche]

I'll agree with Hussy. Sean, I alreadys read your stuff man, and the idea of a roast is fine and dandy...but I just felt you spent too much time away from the Mac Daddy that when you came to him it was a list of the crap he's done over the last 20 years rather than a real bruising assault.

I wish you all the best in the competition, hopefully this can propel you onwards to legendary status.

[ca$hmoney]

Sean,

This was a great idea but I'll agreed with Hustle that it wasn't as great as it could have been. You did a really nice job, put it wasn't outstanding.

Pictures were great and I loved "horniest guy in the retirement home"

Good job and good luck in the final!

[Fatalhitx]

Yeah, it seemed like you spent way too much time away from talking about Vinnie Mac, and instead just talked about everything around him. Other than than, I can definitely say that of all the columns in here, this is certainly one of them.

[Kano]

Twas good man, but I think Mazza has the Edge for the first round..

[Mavsman]

In defense of Sean, while watching the Comedy Central Roast of Larry the Cable Guy, most of the attention was focused on the roasters rather than Larry. Whether or not that is proper form, I don't know.

I thought this was good. You tried something different than normal, and while, being frank, you aren't the favorite in this round, I have no doubt that you will come out in the 2nd round with all guns firing.

As has been said, could have been better, but certainly wasn't terrible.

[cicero]

I really enjoyed this and frankly feel the only reason some are somewhat down on it is on account of it being a CSI column (and thus constricted by rules and expectations). If this were a standalone piece no doubt you would have recieved much praise by this point.

[Cottoneye]

This is a gem. I wish it were longer so i could enjoy more of it.