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#1
03-14-2009, 08:31 PM
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Story Time w/ Creeping Death: Santino Appreciation
Come around, kids. It’s story time with the Creeping Death guy.
What a story I have for you today. Today, I am going to talk about Santino Marella. TheMonkeyBoy issued a challenge to write an appreciation column about Mr. Marella and I took him up on his challenge. And what better day than to post this Santino Appreciation Column than on his birthday? Seriously, it is. Look it up on Wikipedia. Today is all about the Milan Miracle, the New Italian Stallion. Santino, this is for you. He Can Rap! How many Italian people do you know who can rap? Exactly. After Mike Adamle left, Stephanie knew there would be questions. So at the start of the November 17 edition of Raw, she held a Q & A session for the superstars. Santino came up to the podium, paid mad respect to his fellow rapper Acorn (Akon), and asked for his Intercontinental Championship back. He represented with the gear too. His hat with a red design tilted sideways, and well, that was it. Somebody give him a beat! My name is Santino And I’m from Europe I like my Pancakes With maple syrup I lost my title To William Regal His knee to my head Should have been illegal Now I am healthy And it is vital I want back My IC Title Wicca Wicca Yes! Take that William Regal. You’re not even in a restaurant, but you got SERVED! That is gold right there. Put that on an album! It will fly off the shelves. Not only that, but we have this spoof of Amy Winehouse’s Rehab song: Try to make me watch The Condemned I say NO, NO, NO. It’s a sad fact Stone Cold can’t act He should GO, GO, GO Stone Cold hangs in bars. I gave his movie Zero Stars. Try to make me watch The Condemned I say NO, NO, NO. Just for the record, I have not seen The Condemned. After the reviews I heard, I really had no urge to. Is there really anything I am missing? The next music CD that WWE puts out (probably in the next month at the rate they go at…) they should have Santino sing a song. You know that you would buy it if you found that out, and you buy it just to hear Santino. I dare you, no wait, I double-dog dare you to say that you wouldn’t. Can’t do it, you say? I thought so. Glad we have an understanding. We wouldn’t want any problems now, would we? If you did want a problem, we could leave and take it outside…never mind. This Godfather thing isn’t my thing. The point is that Santino has awesome vocal skills, so put him on the next CD, and watch it fly off the shelves. He Will Try Anything You have to admit. Santino is gutsy. He will do anything to prove his point. Like the time he came face to face with Melina. He said that her doing the splits isn’t anything special. Everybody can do. Even my grandma could do it. To prove his point, he said that he would do it; and to make it harder, he did it in jeans. Santino climbed up to stand on the apron. He grabbed the ropes. He bent his knees and jumped as high as he could, and… well… the rest doesn’t matter. The point is, he tried. Sure, it didn’t really go his way. It didn’t need to. Melina issued a challenge, and Santino faced it head on. That is what makes a true champion. You have to give somebody praise when they try to break a record. That record was the longest reign of the Intercontinental Championship. Honky Tonk Man holds that record, holding the belt for 64 weeks until he lost to Warrior in 11 seconds. Santino set a goal for himself; which is pretty self- explanatory in this quote: "I'm going to prove to be the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all times. Put up the Honk-A-Meter. You see, The Honkey Donkey Man was Intercontinental Champion for a record 64 weeks. Santino Marella has already been Intercontinental Champion for two weeks. According to the Honk-A-Meter, that's merely 62 weeks. That's nothing for me, and then I will be the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all times."Also self-explanatory is that this challenge brought us the mighty… HONK-A-METER. The Honk-A-Meter brought forth some of the greatest moments in comedy on Monday Nights. If you didn’t enjoy the Honk-A-Meter, you have no soul. The Honk-A-Meter made it so that you knew that he wouldn’t break the record, but a little inside you wanted him too. All because you wanted to see him parade around the ring yelling “ I am the GREATEST Champion of all the times!!!.” You didn’t care that he has the wrestling ability of a beetle, and that it would totally bring down the credibility of the title even further. In his defense, however, he is still young in the business. His Wikipedia page says he debuted in 2004 (Remember: Its Wikiality. Not Reality.) I am not making excuses, I’m just saying he has only wrestled for 5 years. You can’t learn to wrestle quick. It is a skill you learn over a long period of time. Like I said, you wanted him to break the record. If you didn’t, you are a liar. He is that entertaining. Soon, the Honk-A-Meter evolved into a Honk-A-Perfect-Mountie (that’s what she said) -Meter. He wanted to hold the Intercontinental Title longer than Honkey Donkey Man, Mr. Perfect, and the Mountie. If my math is correct, that would mean he would have to hold the title 862 days, or roughly 2 and a half years. Did you want him to do it? A little inside you says yes. Could he do it? No. It didn’t matter if he could or not. The point is he tried; and Santino will try anything. What do you think of when somebody says Santino Marella? You think of every quote that swims around in your head that came from him. That brings me to my next part. I did my homework and searched for the best quotes from Santino. They are listed in order of how funny I think they are. Believe me, this was the hardest part of this column. Every single one of them are funny, and to decide how they stack up to each other is a full time job. Hours of deciding which goes where, should I include this one, and mostly playing Mobsters on Myspace. Ladies and Gentleman. I give you today…. SANTINO’S TOP 10 AWESOME QUOTES. Let’s start this countdown with number 10: 10.) (To Jimmy Kimmel) Who is this Johnny Caramel? In a feud that many have looked past, Santino fought against Jimmy’s Cousin Sal. It all started at Sal’s birthday party at Hooters, a popular place for birthday parties. For his birthday, Sal wanted to see his favorite wrestler. Being famous, Kimmel brought Rowdy Roddy Piper to the party. Unfortunately for them, Santino made an appearance and started ridiculing Cousin Sal. Piper fired back at Santino, yelling “Did you get a designated driver?” (another reason why I love Santino: He parties.) and “Betty Ford! Betty Ford!” Santino walked over to Cousin Sal and slapped him. Piper slaps Santino, and Cousin Sal hits Santino with a cake and they start brawling. In the funniest moment of the incident, Piper is throwing hot wings at both of them. Piper started training Sal for a fight against Santino (the outcome doesn’t matter.) Along the way, Santino threw shots toward Sal and Kimmel, which brought us our number 10 quote. 9.) (To Carlito while they were a tag team) You like to swab spit with men who don’ t like to be cool. Around January of last year, Santino started a tag team with Carlito. It was a pair that could be compared to Miz and Morrison. A tag team put together for shits and giggles. Yeah, Miz and Morrison have went on to become World Tag Team champions. Carlito has won the Tag Team Championship too. Who do we have to thank? Not Primo. Not WWE Management. Santino Marella! Santino would often say something of this nature in his promos. What even made it better was the expression on Carlito’s face after it was said. It was a look of “What the hell did you just say, you dumb shit Italian immigrant that was born in Canada?” If I may steal a phrase from another appreciation column worthy subject(s): Priceless. 8.) (To Jericho) …KYJ Jericho has been called many things. The Ayatollah of Rock-n-Roll-a. The Savior. The Man of a 1004 Holds. The King of Bling Bling. A douchbag. The King of the World. Lionheart. A sex lubricant? Is it funny? Absolutely! Is it absolutely hilarious? Ehhh…but that’s why it’s only at number 8. In no way am I ragging on this quote. It is on my countdown, and I did say it was absolutely funny. Santino’s little feud with Kentucky Jelly, Chris Jericho brought us some great moments in comedy. Who could forget the crossfire between these two: I know you! You’re Santago. It’s SanTINo! Sandusky And so on. That would be on my list, but that was more of Jericho’s skit; even though the rant in Italian at the end was pretty funny. That would definitely be in the top 3 of my Santino Moments. 7.) Look at me! I’m Rey Mastrio! I like cookies! Booyaka Booyaka! I mark for horrible impersonations, but only with the condition that it is funny. I don’t mark for people trying to do a De Niro impersonation that somehow sounds like a Stallone impression….don’t ask. Santino’s quarrel with Rey brought us a few good moments. The most memberial moment is my number 2 on the countdown. Don’t you dare look… … ….. ……. You did, didn’t you? Cheater. 6.) Look at them Maria, they are all fantasizing about you right now. Even J.R. is erecting a monument in his trousers. It’s a small monument, but a monument none the less. Santino and Maria. Maria and Santino. It’s a match made in Heaven, right? Absolutely not! That would be Santino and Beth Phoenix. Don’t let that sway you; lets take Santino and Maria for what it was. An overly obsessive and jealous boyfriend trying to keep his girlfriend from posing nude. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I thought this was a very funny moment. The reason it is only at number six is that it’s the ole’ “take a shot at the announcers” trick. Funny? Yes! Old? Hell yeah! Poor old J.R. He takes so much shit from everybody. Mainly McMahon. Actually, 90% of it is from McMahon. I bet that one day, he’s just gonna snap. He’s just gonna take off the headset, grab a mic, and just vent on all the shit he had to go through. Then we could see a heel J.R. That would be great, wouldn’t it? Oh, wait… … …. ….. *checks Wikipedia* No, it would not be great. STOP MESSING WITH J.R. BEFORE WE SEE A HEEL J.R.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LEAVE JIM ROSS ALONE! PLEASE! IF YOU WANT TO MESS WITH J.R., YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH ME!…sorry. We are now half way through our Top 10 Awesome Santino Quotes. God! I can’t wait to go back and play Myspace Mobsters. I got this one fool who keeps attacking me. So I ice him. O.K. Let’s get off this tangent and get back to our countdown. 5.) (To Stone Cold) I will open a can of the ass whip so big, I’m gonna spread all over your big fat head and that is the bottom lines. To me, the Stone Cold vs. Santino saga is one of my favorites from Santino. Yes, it was just a ploy to help promote The Condemned. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t entertaining. It brought us many funny moments, including this, and the rap Santino did, as mentioned above. 4.) It’s the Playboy curse, think about it Maria. Candice Michelle injured, Torrie Wilson injured. Ashley, well she’s not injured, but those things in her lip make her look ugly. This is another page from the Maria and Santino short lived relationship. Again, it’s the jealous boyfriend trying to persuade his girlfriend from posing nude. Wait a minute…something is missing. Oh yes! A trailer park! Thank God he dumped her to the curb. The more I think about it, the more I believe in the Playboy curse. Torrie had to retire due to injury. Candice is just about always injured. Ashley retired after we found out she is a prostitute, and yes, she is ugly. Maria, if I were you, (God, I wish I were) I would watch your back. 3.)Did you get your shot for rabbies after kissing snoopy the dog?…Did he take you out for dinner, Kibbles and the Bits? That’s two in a row for Maria. She should be happy. I hope she is. It was Wrestlemania 24. It was full of excitement, sadness, and exploding fireworks in the crowd. There was a Playboy Bunny Match, with Snoop Dog as a guest. At the end, there was very heartfelt, passionate kiss between Snoop Dog and Maria. Santino didn’t take to kindly to this, and that is where our number 3 quote comes in. We are almost home, creeping closer to our number 1 Santino quote. I hope you haven’t looked down and spoiled the surprise. 2.) If you ever wear a mask, it mean one of two things. Either you are very ugly, or…you are the Batman! You, sir, are not the Batman. I still laugh when I think of this. As Cole would put it, This is Vintage Santino! I love Santino’s sophomoric humor. He puts a twist in it. I can’t put my finger on it. More that likely, it’s the Italian accent. Oh my God! It is time for my number 1 Greatest Santino Quote! Is the suspense building? Probably not, because you already looked. Anyway, without further ado, I give you: … …. ….. …… ….. …. … NUMBER 1!!!!!!!! … …. ….. …… 1.) Ha! Look Jerry! I have your delicious sandwich! When I think of classic (I’ll spare you the vintage) Santino, this always pop’s up in my head. This, to me, is Santino at his greatest. While not my favorite, Santino and Jerry’s feud had some great moments. Santino tried to get the upper hand in this, so he stole Jerry’s Subway. Before you say “So,” let me repeat myself. It is a SUBWAY. Subway sandwiches are the greatest thing since sliced bread because it has sliced bread. Plus they’re delicious. I chose this one because it isn’t a spoof of a song, and it isn’t getting a cheap laugh by messing up a name or phrase. It’s also not the ole’ cheap shot at an announcer. Before you call me a dumb moron, yes I realize that Jerry is an announcer, but it isn’t the “He has small balls!” cheap shot. It’s taking his sandwich and depriving him of his late night snack. …. ….. …… ……. Wake up children! (in unison) Wow! That was a long story, Papa Death Yeah, when I talk about Santino, I get carried away. Who? Never mind. Now I am off to play Myspace Mobsters again, but before I leave, let me leave you with one final thought. WITH SANTINO, THERE IS 
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#2
03-14-2009, 08:49 PM
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This is by far one of the best columns right know in the forum, it made me laugh so hard, Akorn LOL Classic, Great Job Maybe next time you could do a Hornswaggle releated column
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 The Return Bow Down to the King PIG-E
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#3
03-14-2009, 09:28 PM
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The best in the forum? OK, I'll take that! Thanks for the praise.
Hornswoggle? Hmmmmm. I MIGHT be able to pull that off. Not sure. I got some ideas swirling around in this noggin, though.
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#4
03-14-2009, 11:59 PM
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Very nice. This was lots of fun to read, and brought back several memories for me in terms of "Santino moments." I still love to see him bite Beth Phoenix's bicep and "trombone" around the ring when she wins a match. You did a fine job here, especially in terms of entertainment.
--Leonard
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 Wrestling with Music - A New Day? Really? (Coming Someday...) "You'll Thank Me Later" - Shaking Up the Rumble "You'll Thank Me Later" - Is Women's Wrestling Dead? "You'll Thank Me Later" - Defending PG
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#5
03-15-2009, 12:18 AM
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Spectacular hahaha!
A quote you missed is... Kane: have you seen Punk? Santino: did you try the pepsi machine. Him impersonating Batista's pyro thingo was also quite hilarious. Keep writing man, this was golden.
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 BCR is wrestling #35 - An Unusual Rant
Out now: http://www.lordsofpain.net/columns/b...ling/6312.html
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#6
03-15-2009, 04:19 AM
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(warningmyspacebarisntworking)Thiswasexcellantdude .ItmademeLOLafewtimes.
Wellwrittenandfunny Welldone
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#7
03-15-2009, 04:33 AM
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Very enjoyable read. I could've swore I woke the neighbours up with my laughing. Santino should sing. That would be awesome. Great work. Looking forward to the next one.
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#8
03-15-2009, 08:14 AM
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This had all the ingrediants to be an absolute nightmare of a column but you bought us one of the most amusing pieces I have read in the CF. Keep this archived somewhere and in 5 years when nobody remembers Santino, bring this bad boy out again.
Seriously this was great, little is said of funny quotes etc in columns and Monkey Jr's challenge may have given you an interesting little niche if you choose to go that route. I would love to see similar pieces on Angle, Jericho, Old Cena, E&C and of course The Rock.
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#9
03-15-2009, 10:39 AM
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FEEDBACK TIME!!!!!!
leonard- Thank you very much for reading. I looked at so many youtube videos, it brought back a lot of memories for me, also. BCR- There is a lot of quotes I missed, ha. There are so many, how could I include them all? Monkey Boy-ThankYouForReading.IOweALotToYouForIssusingTheChal lenge. Can I suggest using the on-screen keyboard while your space bar isn't working? Go to the start menu, all programs, accessories, and accessibility. Mazza- Thanks very much. I'm really glad you liked it. I got this column all saved. I just hope my computer doesn't crash. I really need to set up a backup. I like the idea of an old Cena, Jericho, or a Rock column. Jericho's skit with Santino that I mentioned would be put in the top ten without a doubt. Thank you all for reading. I'm very glad you all enjoyed it. I'd really like my next column to be posted no later than a week and half later. I don't know if any of you noticed, but the hope poster is Santino's mugshot. Just thought I would point that out if you didn't notice already.
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#10
03-15-2009, 04:38 PM
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Quote:
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The Return Bow Down to the King PIG-E
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#11
03-15-2009, 04:51 PM
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Mike Adamle? Oh my God, I think you struck gold. Look for it in the coming weeks. Thanks lmaooo. I'll get right on that.
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#13
03-15-2009, 07:31 PM
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cici beat me to it, there is no need to use 4 different sizes (7,5,4,3) throughout the column. Stick to one size for the headers and one size for the main text and that should be good. Also a set color for headers that is different than colors used for the main text is also a plus.
Outside of formatting errors the column was a fun read like everyone said, just really work on making this thing more appealing to the eyes by next time.
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#14
03-15-2009, 07:53 PM
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cicero and Dr.- I'll remember that for next time. I'll keep the sizes and all that sorted out. But Monkey, just one question. Could you elaborate on this :
Quote:
Anyways, despite the formatting, I'm glad to hear you still enjoyed it.
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#15
03-15-2009, 08:11 PM
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Take the color red for instance....if you use it as a header color don't use it elsewhere. You used it in the list too. I would have gone with a different color. Also the Honk-a-meter should have been a header and thus should have been in red. Just my thoughts, still good content though so that's a major plus.
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#16
03-15-2009, 08:12 PM
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OK thanks for elaborating on that. Again, I wil remember that.
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#17
03-16-2009, 10:01 AM
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Quote:
An Adamle column would be entertainment to the highest level.
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#18
03-16-2009, 09:03 PM
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Yeah, expect the formatting to be better next time.
As far as an Adamle, expect it. I like the idea of doing the same thing as this, with the Top Ten "Ademles" Moments Thanks for feedbacking
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#19
03-18-2009, 09:32 AM
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You missed another quoute!
Maria: (To the audience) Do you guys want me to pose for playboy? Crowd Cheers Santino: You people are like the shit! If she asked 'who would like Hepatitus', you would all be cheering!'
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The Colour Of Wrestling Returns... At Some Point Quote:
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#20
03-18-2009, 09:53 AM
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Santino's segments have been the most watchable on Raw for years. The Honk-a-Meter was brilliant, I still do it to myself occasionally when I need a pick-me-up.
The difference between Santino and Swoggle & Adamle is that Santino has redeeming qualities. I wouldn't recommend doing an Adamle column, that guy ruined ECW for me more than Chavo as champion did. Stellar stuff hombre.
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#21
03-18-2009, 07:09 PM
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Swanton-I know I missed so much quotes because there are so many. Like I said in the column, most of my time was figuring out what quotes and where. Thanks for feedbacking
Petre- Mucho gracias (literally, thats the extent of my Spanish) for feedbacking. I agree with your point about Santino and all. Despite all that, I am still gonna try the Adamle column. Honestly, don't tell me you didn't enjoy him messing up? Even a little?
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