The Failed Parachute 7 : The nipped in the bud gimmicks and the odd vent

[The Failed Parachute]

The Failed Parachute 7 - Nip It in the bud + the odd vent



Oi Oi Saveloys

Welcome to the newest edition of The Failed Parachute, I decided to write this now, mainly due to being at work and not seeing a time in the next week or so where I can watch some wrestling and write 2000+ words.

So just like I told Ricton’s mamma “strap your self in love here we go”

Q: Why didn’t you vote on the LOP Column of the Month?

A: Honestly the first I saw of the contest was when I was on the forum page and in the column section it had the results page as the last message posted. I don’t usually look too much at the threads near the top as there usually rules etc…I made a mistake and will be sure to vote next time.

Q: Your funny but you come across very bitter do you just hate every main eventer?

A: Ha-ha bitter well FUCK YOU no I'm a happy chap really. It is true I do hate Triple H , John Cena and Randy Orton - so some may say this isn’t my time of year. I scoffed at the ending of RAW, it really was the most ludicrous thing ever , it just makes wrestling look so stupid. If the guy can go to your house with a sledgehammer whats the point of getting in some shiny pants and wrestling in a ring. I don’t hate all main eventers : Edge, Big Show, Undertaker, Cm Punk, etc. When some things annoy me, like any true Brit I sit in front the TV going a bit Gordon Ramsey.

Q: I’m glad I’m not the only one who doesn’t like Cody Rhodes what do you really think hell do when Randy’s moved on?

A: Hopefully suffer the same fate his much more entertaining brother has on more than a couple of occasions. I don’t think he is a strong worker and is not worthy of the position he holds. More on Cody maybe in later editions.

So JBL is our Intercontinental Champion….I live on a continent and I am besmirched. The guy is gold on the mic but like..shit in the ring. I honestly can’t believe this guy was Smackdown's longest running champion, I mean yeah we all know “Triple H doesn’t work Tuesday” but this always baffled me and put me off Smackdown. When he moved to the announcers table I expected so much, but him and Michael Cole were like two over acting condescending …….pricks. Anyone who watched Armageddon 2006 must of got so annoyed at JBL going on and on and on and on and on about the Inferno match or how “THE LIGHTS ARE ON BRIGHT”.



Now JBL is going to do something historic at Wrestlemania …what? …put on a 5 star non gimmick match? The guy returned to the ring due to a BIG lack of heel power in WWE, things aren’t much better now; the WWE needs to look at this problem. Good heels are RARE, the WWE seems to be great and pushing tweeners (e.g. Randy Orton, Kane etc) but when it comes to heels they more often then not go too far and cartoony (e.g. Snitsky or Hassan ). Jericho is the exception that proves the rule, let’s face it a good babyface is made by his opponents, too many monsters turn the fans ,or me at least, off quicker than Sarah Jessica Parkers face!

Rumours are flying that he plans to retire with the Intercontinental Championship…I am a HUGE fan of the IC belt (infact one hangs on my wall) and really don’t think JBL deserves to have this honour. He has done nothing for the belt or the mid card in general, Trish Stratus made the women’s belt more credible and deserved to win her last match…………so Save Us Rey Rey



Money in the Bank – reading sites and forums like this, this year’s money in the bank might as well be held in a swimming pool full of custard. Ok if you gave me the choice between Mark Henry and Finlay or Evan Bourne and Rey Mysterio I wouldn’t have to think all to long. I made my feelings on the MITB match clear in previous columns and how 8 is too much for any match with a single winner. The match contains three of my favourite wrestlers in, Kane, Cm Punk and Shelton but I'm really not holding high hopes.

If you’re going to have MITB every year this kind of rotation is crucial. If you try and top the match year after year ……..going to have problems very quick. This might be a very smart move on the part of the WWE, by booking different styles of superstars you can do different things, different spots and ultimately deliver a fresh match. Last years match was amazing but this years …one thing is for sure…..its going to be interesting isn’t it?

How much does Smackdown need Edge not to get drafted? The guy carries that show, we all know the GAME has had enough of Tuesday and his RAW bound. If he stays on Smackdown I will………..get the Swayzor tattooed on my chest (half centaur half Patrick Swayze). You take Triple H out of Smackdown it actually free’s up some space for the likes of the Hardys to get more main events.




Hands up who is missing Batista at the minute …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….oh is…………….nope just …….oh …no hes scratching his nose.



The Nipped in the bud gimmicks

Here I plan to look into some of those forgotten gimmicks, the ones that hang around in your sub conscious until you get reminded and think “oh yeah…I kinda remember that”. I'm not going to look into “the worst gimmicks” no that’s been done countless times I will rather look into the short lived flashes of ideas that for some reason or another were quickly cut short.

1. EVIL Kaientai.
Originally Kai En Tai came into the WWF as a stable of 4. The group contained Sho Funaki, Dick Togo and Mens Tehio, with Yamagutchi Son acting as manager. The group entered into feuds with future member Taka Michonuku and Val Venis. All those who witnessed the “I choppy choppy your pee pee” angle with Val Venis know why the attitude era should not be held in a crystal godly light.




Soon all but Taka and Funaki would be relesed , the two were never a serious tag team force and were utilized in more comedic roles. I think I’m not alone in saying the infamous Taka elimination from the 2000 Royal Rumble ring is a hilarious piece of wrestling history….sure you know you should feel bad but DAMN boy went straight on his face.

For me Kai En Tai were immortalized with there EVIL gimmick. Basically the two guys would stand on the ramp or in the ring cutting promos. There mouths would move wildly but all the sound would come from a comedically deep English voice over. The two would try and be threatening challenging the likes of the APA and even Triple H. The gimmick did not last long as Taka was released leaving only Funaki to feel the brunt of every TV squash for years to come.

INDEEEEEEEED



2. Perry Saturn and Moppy.
As I understand this gimmick was the equivalent to a big slap on the wrist by WWE management. During a dark match Saturn was wrestling a local performer, when the local guy badly botched an arm drag Saturn saw red and beat the guy bad. I believe the footage is available on youtube. Basically Saturn entered a storyline where he suffered a concussion, started uttering strange things and fell in love with a mop……….yes a ….mop.

His onscreen girlfriend Terri Runnels annoyed shed been replaced by a mop teamed with Raven who…..it sounds so stupid as I type this……fed moppy into a wood chipper.




3. Naked Mideon.
Yes, you read it right , I’m sure some of you would of blocked the memory out and for reminding you I’m sorry. Basically Mideon…with a fanny pack running round besmirching a fellow Brit.



4. K-Kwik getting rowdy.
Well before the days of there alliances in TNA R-Truth and Road Dogg combined forces in WWE. The two would rap there way to the ring often in bright orange gear and more often than not lose there match. The team died when Road Dogg was released.



5. Tourette Goldust.
During the days of book-dust , the team of Booker T and Golddust, the golden one was a big player in WWE. He and Booker added a comedic element to RAW when it was starting to get bogged down in NWO and later Evoloution dominance. Just type Goldust and Booker T into youtube if you want to laugh for an hour or so. Despite being comedy gold the team really got over as competitors. When the team eventually broke up, the way it was done was perfect and actually quite emotional.
After losing a match against La Resistance the team went there separate ways, later a distraught Golddust was assaulted by Randy Orton and thrown into fuse box ……giving him tourettes. Off course there was still comedy to be had “CORN BREAD”.



6. The One Billy Gunn.
Billy Gunn as a singles competitor is easily forgotten, everyone knows the New Age Outlaws and Billy + Chuck for whatever reason but when long time partner Road Dogg released we got The One. The guy had great music, which I know use for my cocky Randy Orton style character on Smackdown Vs Raw but the gimmick was short lived.




7. Kerwin White –
Yes not too long ago I remember the WWE having a, all be it tongue in cheek character use the catchphrase “If it’s not white , it’s not right”. This gimmick was just bad, Chavo Guerreo in golf shirts getting into fights with Shelton Benjamin due to pseudo racial reasons.



8. B2 –
Remember Bull Buchanon ? Ha-ha ok. John Cena was pretty new to his rapper gimmick , remember that? ..haha ok. Well John needed some muscle and in stepped the Big Bossman's old running buddy big Bull. A former member of Right to Censor , Bull came in with his new catchphrase “BOOYA” unfortunately John turned on him and he was replaced by Redd Dogg (reme……oh you get it)



9. Toe sucking Snitsky
– baby killer , toe sucker , hairless sweaty freak - BOY Snitsky hung in there didn’t he? like a annoying hang nail that you just cant remove. When Kane had made Snitsky his bitch the greasy tooth goon was shipped to Heat where he made a team with Golddust. During this time he acquired a fetish for feet, this can be seen during a backstage segment on Wrestlemania 22.



10. Dancing Lance Storm –
Ok we all know Lance Storm is a great talent but this was a hiccup in his career. During the InVasion storyline then leader Stone Cold Steve Austin encouraged fans to chant boring during Storm's matches . Austin even went to extreme to bring out a pillow and blanket and snored as Storm wrestled. This thrusted Storm into a face turn with Golddust and Val Venis helping him find his lighter side, teaching him to dance etc. Storm formed a team with Val Venis but they got less of a push than CM Punk as World Heavyweight Champion.



One we need back – YAAARGH Pirate Paul Burchill



What the fudge title reign of the week

World Heavyweight Championship



Batista

Won - October 26th 2008
Lost - November 3rd 2008 (8 days)

Ok I’ve been a bit harsh on Batista but there's no denying the guys is OVER. The animal is not my favorite guy but hes far from my least favorite. This reign was was like a leadless pencil………shit. Basically a big ego stroke for big Dave after he kicked up a fuss about not being in the spot light enough since his draft move. A title change at Cyber Sunday is an oddity in itself, the PPV is a great concept but is sooo poorly utilized, every year they think the can rely on legends to get buys. Stone cold coming back every now and then gets old fast for me ,and him as special guest referee? I could write the ending myself…count 3 …stunner….beer..beer ..stunner…beer beer. Batista won the big gold belt only to lose it 8 days later in a steel cage match to a far better champion (in every way) Chris Jericho.

Hope you enjoyed
As always comments or questions hecardreadgood@hotmail.com

Ribbit Ribbit Croak

[SailorJerrry]

Nice work, this column was fun and digestable.

Most importantly though - you are spot on. We need MORE pirate gimmicks in WWE - not less!

Nice work, read you next time.

[Martin Riggs]

i LOVED pirate burchill! And he was doing so well! He was actually getting a crowd response! And then Vince had to go ruin it. booooo.

great stuff, as always, fun and easy to read.

['Plan]

Alright dude, how's it hanging? I'm not sure how much of your stuff has read so forgive me if I say something you've heard before here.

I see what you were aiming for and you have the makings of a solid writer. That said for a seventh effort this left me somewhat wanting. The major two criticisms I have are fairly easily remedied though so don't worry. The first, with all the subheadings, colours and pictures your column felt somewhat disjointed. Pictures and additions like them should only be used to add to what you're writing and even then done so sparingly. After all, their job is to enhance a column and not take up most of it. That leads onto my next criticism. While the list was an interesting one to read I know nothing more now then when I did coming in to read the column. I would have much preferred to hear you expand on the points you made; why in your opinion did they fail, what got them over, why perhaps were they made in the first place? It would have added more substance to the column on a whole and turned it from something half decent into something solid. There were a few too many grammatical errors in there for me as well so just make sure you proof read your stuff plenty of times before you post it.

I guess on the whole I'm trying to say that your work needs to stop feeling glued together and feel like one flowing entity. Less pictures and subheadings and font sizes will help this no end and doesn't require major changes to your writing style. That should turn your work into something more solid. At the minute it might be fun but I feel it isn't reading it's full potential.

[cicero]

I greatly enjoy the frivolous and irreverant nature of these columns; keep it up. (no sarcasm)

[The Failed Parachute]

Well thank you ? ...hard to detect sarcasm but hope none there. I dont really try be too wordy i try make my columns a quick fun read but thanks for all feedback ill def look into it

[FeckOffCup]

i love your vents good to see someone not taking wwe or wrestling to seriously and focus on more fun so i hope you continue and def be reading if you do ...mainly because youll bug me until i do but hey

[Vikodin]

The real what the hell thing with Batista's title reign is that he became the first person in WWE/F history to lose the World title in a steel cage match.

Good read, but I have to agree with the Plan man on this one, it just seems to be like a kid with ADHD on a sugar rush: all over the shop bouncing off the walls going look at me. Don't take that the wrong way, I think this is a good effort, and worth a read, it just seems like your throwing the pictures in their for the sake of having pictures, and your throwing in the stuff at the start just for the sake of length.

[Petre Dyche]

Dude, this gets a big thumbs-up from me for numerous reasons

a) Batista hate
b) It was short, easy to read and above all; FUNNY!
c) Major props for searching for "Naked Mideon"...one can only imagine the images that showed up. Kudos.

Possibly a little more detail could have gone into certain bits, but for those of us who lived through all those gimmicks it was fine man.

[J and Silent Dubb]

This once again was great.

You take neither wrestling nor yourself to seriously, and for that kudos. Keep up the good work.