The Dark Review: Royal Rumble 1988

[NightofDay]

The Dark Review

Welcome back to the Dark Review ladies and gents. RAW looked like a good show. The Jericho/Legends storyline is getting better and better each week. I'm waiting to hear the reaction of the crowd when Austin's glass breaks to confront Jericho. HHH/Orton was something that I wasn't really looking forward but after last night I am looking forward to their match at Mania. WWE pulled out a swerve by having Edge/Show at Mania instead of Edge/Cena. Whether that's a good thing or not remains to be seen. AND PRAISE ALLAH THAT SHAWN WON! I really didn't want Kozlov to win and would've probably kicked a baby if it happened. Shawn/Taker should be the match of the night in my opinion. By the way, where was Sim Snuka when his daddy was getting his ass kicked?

Mazza requested this so Mazza if you're reading, your wish is my command. I actually don't have RR 88 and am watching this event on Dailymotion (YouTube sucks for that kind of thing). I've never seen the early Rumbles except 91 and 92 so this will definitely be interesting. Also, there will be no play by play as I am trying to get this done so I can get schoolwork out of the way (hears collective 'awww!" from the readers). I know but what would you rather have, a smart reviewer or a dumb reviewer?

Royal Rumble 1988

Royal Rumble 1988
January 24, 1988
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Copps Coliseum
Attendance: 18,000
Commentators: Vince McMahon and Jesse "The Body" Ventura

Background

Remember what I said in my last review about Vince making Survivor Series to rival Starrcade? The Royal Rumble was made in a similar fashion. After the immense loss of money he suffered from Starrcade, Jim Crockett decided that he would hold the Bunkhouse Stampede event in Uniondale, New York on PPV on January 24, 1988. This pissed Vince off because not only was Crockett wanting a piece of Vince's cash cow (the PPV market) but Crockett was holding the event in New York, a place where only the WWF was being promoted. Vince decided to hold a special event called the Royal Rumble in Canada which was broadcasted for free on (ironically) the USA Network. Admit it, would you pay to see wrestling or watch it for free? I know I would. The main event was a 20 man over the top rope battle royal (soon turned into 30 man) where individuals entered at a specified time instead of all at once. Pat Patterson devised this plan that was actually once held in St. Louis that reportedly was shat on by the crowd. For what ever reason Vince decided to give it another chance.

Royal Rumble 1988 Review

"Ravishing" Rick Rude vs. Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat

I don't know whether or not this match was actually televised or not, because I am finding conflicting information regarding the matter. In any event, this is a pairing that got me very excited and is one reason I was looking forward to reviewing this show. Ugh. After 6 or 7 minutes of good arm work by Steamboat, Rude starts his comeback and hits an elbow with the arm that was worked over and completely no sells the arm. So Steamboat goes right back to the arm when he regains control. Oh, and there is an annoying woman in the front row with a megaphone. Great. This time, when Rude makes his comeback, he actually sells the left arm. That's better, Rick. This whole match just feels like the beginning of a really good 30-minute or so match. It's 17 minutes or so, pretty fast paced, but the DQ ending leaves a lot to be desired and the work in general is a little off. These two would have GREAT matches around the same length in the 90's in WCW, but this was just off. However, even these two off is still good. Rude works the back and neck area to set up, one would assume, the Rude Awakening. This includes what may be the worst Camel Clutch of all time. Also, the finish doesn't make sense to me, especially now. Steamboat was kind of in the dog house and on his way out, while Rude was about to be headlining the B shows with Roberts, yet Rude gets DQ'ed for pulling the ref in front of a cross body. Why can't Rude go over here, at least dirty, to establish himself as a threat? They did the gimmick afterwards where Rude puts Steamboat in a backbreaker and the ref rings the bell for the DQ, but Rude thinks he won and is pissed when he finds out otherwise.

In any event, this was extremely watchable, but also not very remarkable. I enjoyed it, never fast forwarded, and really dug a good near fall segment towards the end, but I will probably never watch it again unless I get an extreme craving for old school wrestling. Probably around the 2.75/5 to 3/5 range. With 5 more minutes, a conclusive finish, and some better selling by Rude, this gets an easy 4/5.

For some reason, probably because we are in Canada, Dino Bravo comes out to attempt to break the 'World Bench Press Record'. Ventura is out there to spot, which basically guarantees some sort of shenanigans involving Jess helping Dino out. Frenchy Martin cuts a promo, in French, so I think he quit ahead of time, but I don't know. Bravo warms up with 415 lbs, thus confusing the metric system using Canadians in the crowd. Dino wants the crowd to not make a sound, which shouldn't be hard because who gives a fuck about this. But, to their credit, the crowd makes noise and frustrates the heels. Bravo killed it at 415, and Frenchie drops some more science on Mean Gene. Going up to 505 now, and I am fighting off boredom. I'll give the ugly bastard credit, he can throw that weight around. It's an impressive sight, but the crowd seems to be losing interest over time, and you can almost feel the restlessness. Bravo starts to struggle at 555, but he still gets it up and down about 5 times. Bravo says something, and I think I understand Frenchy more than Bravo. 595 now, and Bravo hits it. At this point, I am thinking this would have been better as an all night segment, like going back to them after every match or something, because this is dragging. Gene is a fucking idiot because he keeps asking Martin questions and gets mad when he speaks French. 655 now, only 50 from the record, and Bravo is REALLY starting to struggle. I'd be struggling too if I needed to look up at Ventura's crotch for 20 minutes or however long this is. He barely gets the bar up and down, and I really can't see him getting 700, let alone 705. 715 now, for the record. He gets it down, moves it up a little, and Jesse obviously pulls it up for him under the guise of 'spotting' him. A cute segment that went WAAAAYYYYY too long.

Women's Tag Team Championship: The Jumping Bomb Angels vs. The Glamour Girls (c)

The Glamour Girls are defending here vs. The Jumping Bomb Angels in a 2/3 falls match. The Glamour Girls look like the prototypical 80's women wrestlers: ugly, grandma bodies, and just all around awful looking. The Jumping Bomb Angels are at least younger. However, the benefit here is that all these women can work, especially the Angels. I know I give a lot of shit to the women's division, and rightfully so in my mind, but this was really good. The Glamour Girls are Judy Martin and Leilani Kai, for the record. The Bomb Angels don't get names, just the pink and red Angel, a precursor to the Power Rangers perhaps. Although the action is good, there are a few too many slow periods and periods that look like all around confusion. LOL at Vince: 'Judy Martin, the largest woman in this contest.' That's just awesome. At least she didn't have to work an angle about her fat ass. First fall goes to the Glamour Girls after an Alley Opp. The story thus far is the Girls over powering the Angels and slowing them down significantly. Slightly botched sunset flip sees the Angels tie it up, and the speed finally came into play and costs the Girls.

The third fall is good and long. Again, a few moments of miscommunication kind of hurt it, but as a whole the action was solid. The Angels use an awesome double top rope drop kick to win, and the crowd honestly explodes. Seriously. Imagine a title change this day in age that people really cared about, and that is what you got. The crowd was actually a strong point for this whole match. All told, this was a good match and worlds better than anything we would see on Raw or Smackdown now a day. Probably around 3/5. I really enjoyed the size vs. speed story they told.

It is now time for the Hogan/Andre II contract signing. Before we get down to business, we get a recap of what has led up to this rematch, including the phantom three count at Mania, the Million Dollar Man offering to buy Hogan's title, and Hogan's rebuttal of hell no. We then see what happened at the last Saturday Nights Main Event, where Hogan is celebrating a victory over someone (Bundy I think), and Andre comes in looking pimp and beats Hogan down. Ventura calls Hogan an idiot for showing up tonight and get into that rematch. We then get to see Ted buying off Andre and Andre promising to give Ted the 'World World Wrestling Federation' title. The Million Dollar Man and Virgil accompany Andre to the ring, where Tunney and that idiot Gene are waiting. Hulk Hogan looks DUMB in some tight ass blue and white pants and a white tank top, but he was probably stoned as fuck here, so whatever. Andre is looking rough here as well. He is using the ropes to hold himself up. Jesse asks the question that I am thinking when he asks why these Canadians are going crazy for Hogan's theme: Real American. The best is that they are sitting at some little ass kitchen table and not a nice covered table or desk like they use now a days. But now they have to cover up the standard table because it's one of the cheap folding ones and someone is going through it. Hogan does a good job here of looking nervous about the situation, but DiBiase talks a bunch of shit to Hogan and Hogan signs. Andre takes his time and plays a mind game on Hogan by reading the ENTIRE contract before signing it, getting to the end, and going back and reading it again. He signs it, Hogan takes a swipe at DiBiase, and Andre pushes him down and pushes the table over onto Hogan before leaving the ring. This was a good segment that created some interest in the upcoming title match and really made Hogan look vulnerable here.

The Royal Rumble Match

There are only 20 men in this match, with two-minute intervals. #1 and #2 guys in are Bret Hart and Tito Santana. This was interesting because Strike Force had defeated the Foundation in October for the tag titles. Pretty good back and forth between the two. Managers are out with the wrestlers this year, as Hart is with Hart. Next man out is the guy who fucked up his WWF career in the "Natural" Butch Reed. For those who don't know, he was scheduled to beat Ricky Steamboat for the IC title, but decided to no show the event and that led to The Honky Tonk Man winning the title. Reed and Hart team up, because heels always work together regardless of the 'every man for themselves' deal. Jim Neidhart is third and promptly attacks Chico Santana. All three men try and fail to eliminate Chico, and Jake "The Snake" Roberts is out next to save Santana. Roberts and Santana are ruling the ring and giving the Hart Foundation some trouble until Roberts goes for a DDT and gets clotheslined by the Anvil. "King" Harley Race jogs to the ring, and at this point that was probably all he could muster, so Ventura drops a 'look at the speed Race is showing on the way to the ring'. Oh, Reed has been eliminated. Who cares. "Jumpin" Jim Brunzell is out, evening up the sides for the faces. I would have loved to see him come in and just bitch slap Tito. Would have made sense with him being one half of the champs and holding a title that you would think that the Bees would want a shot at. Oh well. This isn't shades of gray. Typical Rumble stalling and Sam Houston is out. Sam Houston once had a very good match with Ric Flair on TBS back in 85. I mention that because he isn�t going to do shit here. Tito is gone at the hands of the Harts, and we finally have our second elimination. "Dangerous" Danny Davis is next and this should help the Hart Foundation, but Sam Houston gets a hold of him and they must've had issues with one another because Vince drops a 'these two are no strangers to one another'. 7 of the 9 men introduced into the match are still in, and with entry #10 coming in means that Bret is right around 16 minutes. Who is it, who will be the mid way superstar? Who will change the tide? It will be:

Boris Zhukov.

Yeah. This is a great Rumble. Boris comes in and goes right after Sam Houston, and I can't blame him with Houston being a pussy and all. Ventura gets shocked when Race attacks Boris, seemingly forgetting that this is every man for himself. Hart is at the 18-minute mark now. This is odd. "The Rock" Don Muraco comes out, and Nikolai Volkoff is racing behind him. One would assume to help Boris, but he gets stopped and now Boris is eliminated so it is a moot point. Personally I think that Volkoff is a fucking idiot and he didn't know the rules. So the retarded Russian is next and he teams up with Danny Davis to attack Sam Houston, proving that they might be bigger pussies than Houston. And Race is eliminated, and Harley wants to get back. Not into the ring, but to the 70's. "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan is out! The crowd is pumped! The King gives him a cheap shot and runs away. Manly. Duggan is in and is a house of fire. And within seconds we are at the old 'boring Rumble shit' stuff, with people hanging onto the corner while others try to throw them out. The crowd chants DDT for, well, some reason, and the "Outlaw" Ron Bass is in next, bringing the shit to talent ratio dangerously close to terminal levels. We have Bret, Jake, Brunzell, and Duggan on one side and Nikolai, Davis, Muraco, Bass, The Anvil, and Houston on the other, and Brunzell is gone. Iron Sheiks fave, B. Brian Blair is next and that helps the talent side a little bit. More DDT chants, leading nowhere. Jake and Duggan are on a whole different level than all the other faces, and the Harts are, thus far, easily the most over heels. And Hillbilly Jim is out, firmly planting one in the shit side. And he eliminates Neidhart, who was the least shit of the shit side, so that only helps add to the shit. Bret's been in for damn near a half hour, and Dino Bravo is out, and he must be exhausted from killing the crowd earlier. With Houston leaving, and Bravo not being terrible, talent is fighting back. At least Houston was eliminated in a creative manner, going from Bass� shoulders to the floor. Oh lord it's the Ultimate Warrior. And Bret is gone, so shit is KILLING it right now. Bret lasted about 32 minutes by my count. One Man Gang is in, and he has got to be the fave to win here. Gang tosses Blair and Roberts in short order. JYD is number 20, and we are go for some eliminations. How's this for a final ten: Davis, Warrior, Volkoff, Duggan, Gang, Jim, Muraco, Bravo, JYD and Ron Bass. TALENT. Volkoff is done, Hillbilly Jim is gone, and Jim was tossed by Gang, making that three eliminations in less than three minutes. Davis is gone. Warrior is gone. JYD thumps his ass out of the ring and he appears to give a shit. Bass is out leaving a final four of Gang, Bravo, Muraco and Duggan.

Muraco actually looks good fighting off Gang and Bravo, but attacks Frenchie and gets caught by Bravo. Gang eliminates Muraco, and Duggan actually does something smart and jumps right at both men. Gang fucks up and eliminates Bravo, and Duggan opens up on Gang. Gang looks DONE in there. And Duggan won. I knew he won, but I haven't seen this before, so it was fresh to me. Bret actually lasted just under 27 minutes, which is odd because if he and Santana are the first two, and he was in there when #18 came out, he was in there for 16 different two minute periods, which would be 32 minutes. Oh well, it was still impressive, because he was active the whole time. As for the match, it was ok, but there were WAAYYYY to many scrubs in there to be good. The crowd loved some guys, and really hated others, but for a majority of them they could not have cared less. Not a classic Rumble by any means, but historic and better than some other Rumbles we have seen. I think what hurt was the lack of face vs. face and heel vs. heel interactions.

We get to see Hogan get laid out again before going to the interview stage and the champ himself. Hogan is mad and pissed and he is still in those terrible pants, but with a Hulkamania shirt, which gets ripped in short order. He talks about pressing Andre over his head, which never gets old. Hulk won't sell out to DiBiase, and on February 5th, Hogan is going to win because Andre can't beat all the Hulkamaniacs. This proves to be false, so I guess we all lost the title to Andre. We suck.

Two out of Three Falls Match: The Islanders vs. The Young Stallions

Oh lord. This will either be awesome or Powers and Roma will do the shitty 'neither one of us will sell for you' shit to try and outdo one another and this will blow. We shall see. You should be warned that I am a huge Haku fan, so take that into account. Tama and Powers start off. The Islanders are in the middle of a feud with the Bulldogs because they dognapped Matilda, and the Stallions are in a feud with winning matches, and they are losing that one. This match is really starting to bore me, but I think Ventura is pissing Vince off here, because they are doing a back and forth and there is audible anger in Vince's voice. Ugh. Basically, Roma gets counted out for fall one and Roma submits for fall two, which means that not only did the Islanders win, but so did Jim Powers, because he didn't take the loss, which is something the Stallions always cared about. Jack offs. 2/5 maybe. Probably not, but Haku was there.

Oh, for some reason, in the middle of the match, the Stallions go to the back because Roma is 'hurt', and instead of getting counted out, we get an interview with the other principals in the title match for The Main Event on Friday night, February the 5th. Basically, DiBiase brags, Andre growls, and Virgil holds money in his hands. Funny Virgil Fact: Allegedly, he got his job by walking into Pat Patterson's office and slapping his cock down on Patterson's desk. Must have been great times (for Patterson and not for Virgil).

Vince and Jesse shoot the shit while everyone is piling out of the arena. We basically get everything recapped. And we get like a five-minute argument about the Dino Bravo thing. With all the talk about that segment tonight, I think that took up the largest chunk of the show. And they sign off.

Thoughts and Farewells

It's easy to see why this is a historic event, but it would be hard to call it a good event. The opener and the tag match were actually both very good matches, but the bench press segment was awful, the Rumble average, and the final tag was just terrible. It was very apparent that this night was about two things. First, on the outside, it was about promoting Hogan vs. Andre, because that match was going to lead to the angle to set up Wrestlemania IV. However, on the inside, it was about proving to Crockett, and anyone else, that the WWE could put an event on free TV, not have any main eventers wrestle, and they could still out draw a show being built as a huge deal and that would have every single main eventer present and in the ring. This was a shot by Vince to the rest of the world, and the shot was obviously heard because Crockett returned fire later in the year. All in all, not worth going out of your way to see for wrestling, but you should probably see it just for the historical context alone. This event led to the PPV Rumble, which is a big 4 event and a favorite to many.

Thank you very much for reading. As always you can reply with feedback which I will always respond to. Next in line on The Dark Review spin cycle is WrestleMania IV, an event headlined by a 16 man tournament which are always fun albeit short matches.

Until Next Time
NightofDay

[Cult Icon]

an interesting hstory lesson. it seemed at times you were a bit all over the place, and this column did have trouble keeping my interest. perhaps there was just a bit too much detail, which caused it to drag. if you cut down on some less important details and such, you may have a winner. not bad, ill read you again.

[NightofDay]

Thank you for the feedback and advice Cult. I didn't have much time to complete this review so I just wanted to make it through as quickly as possible without making it too short. I feel like I did well on this review. Don't worry! WrestleMania IV will focus less on play by play and mainly on the important points. I may break out the play by play for big time matches so the PBP aspect isn't fully dead. Also, things will be back to normal for WrestleMania IV which should be up by the weekend.