How I really feel

[Irishsara]

Im writing for me, I am writing because I have no one to talk to
I am writing because I cannot be myself
I am writing because it is hard to admit that I am disconnected. I am lost. I feel like there is no permanence. I feel like I am hurting. I feel like no one cares who I really am. I feel like everyone else is happy to live the lie. I hate this.

I am writing because it helps. I am writing to keep me from repressing myself. I am writing because I do not have to impress the blank page. Ive been crying. Not because im sad, or stressed, or angry (although ive been all those things in the last few days) I am just watching tv or reading or listening to music or even just lying in bed and boom water works. Its not like heaving sobs but a couple of tears.

I want to feel loved.

Sometimes you just have to write it down to keep from screaming.

[MissouriDragon]

You need to write more
Seriously
Read a DB$ column
Me and Brill average like 5,000 words
And we write about nothing
Write about old school ECW if you have to
This ain't enough















...I know you can do better. And set your goddamn jaw, go forth and conquer. I have about one day of happiness and non-poverty a month.

Ain't no good way to say this, so I'll let Denis Leary say it:

"Life sucks. Get a helmet."

I'm not scared. You shouldn't be either.

[Zuma]

I agree with what he said.

[XanMan]

I enjoyed reading this Sara. My heart goes out to you and you're right. Sometimes it helps to write. Thank you for sharing this, but it wasn't a blog.

[Irishsara]

I know i should have elaborated more but im just in such a high stress environment.

Its a blog, not a column, and not even about wrestling, i just wanted to put alittle down because honestly i have a small number of people who i can talk to about shit.

Its like this, I go to a University, one of the best in the country, everyone in all my classes is smarter than me, i have to work twice as hard just to keep even. This shit is hard, these kids were all in like super gifted programs or some of the best private schools. The professors are crazy, the TAs are overstressed. Everyone is trying to fuck over everyone else and worrying about shit like class rank and GPA. People are so fucking competitive or loaded. Sometimes I feel like I don’t fit in. I mean sure I have some friends here, some serious zoom dweebies but they are good kids. I want more female friends but its all trust fund babies and shut ins. (ok that’s an overexaggeration)

I can’t quit smoking, even alittle bit. Like I try, but fuck, it just makes things better and when I get drunk I just cant help it. I guess I don’t really want to quit.

The boy I’ve been seeing I don’t think he actually likes me, more like he just wants to fuck me. I mean he called me the wrong name yesterday. He isn’t interesting, he reads too much James Joyce and Lord Byron, he is an English lit major and he is kind of a scumbag.

Its just been a sucky week.

[MissouriDragon]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=truk7KTrDbg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuF00-z9c-k

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y173dLaa_DI

FUCKING GET YOUR ASS UP AND FIGHT, Sara. I don't know how you New Yorkers do it, but in the Ozarks it ain't over until your heart stops.

[MissouriDragon]

C'mon, get up.

[Zuma]

Sara... just remember this... when you get your diploma - they don't put your GPA on it. It doesn't make a shit difference what grades you got, the only thing that matters is that you have your degree.

[T.O.]

What if she wants to attend graduate school though? That matters a lot (GRE, recommendations, experience, blah blah blah too).

[MissouriDragon]

That's real talk.

Please just go to sleep and think about it in the morning.

This convo has very little to do with education, T.O.

[T.O.]

It wasn't directed at her, it was an aside thrown at Zuma.

[MissouriDragon]

Word.

I may come off as some kind of hillbilly psychopath, but I've had my own problems with substance abuse and mental stability.

Shocker, right? Alert the media. But despite allthe shit I've talked to Sara, if she needs to talk to somebody, I'll back her up.

[avery]

Originally Posted by Zuma

Sara... just remember this... when you get your diploma - they don't put your GPA on it. It doesn't make a shit difference what grades you got, the only thing that matters is that you have your degree.

Except when they ask you what your GPA was in school, which most applications do.

[Homicide]

Tell me, is he into Joyce enough to send you letters?

http://www.johnhamilton.us/2/jamesjoyceletters.htm

[Uncle Joe]

Sometimes, I feel like slitting my wrists at the thought of you never being in my life. Everyone tells me that you're the worst possible thing for me; that you'll be the death of me, but I say uck them. None make me as happy as you do; all the nights we've spent in each other's company will always be a reminder to me that while not perfect, our relationship is perfect. Yes, I know you get around town, that sometimes you're cheap and fatty, but fuck it; I don't care. I remember when we would be sitting down at our favorite table and sitting down for lunch, and I can see all the men (and sometimes even women) who would walk by, and you could just see their mouth's just water at the sight of you. Speaking of which, I never loved anything more than just to eat you. At times I would find myself eating out 4x a week. I know some who do it all day everyday, but I didn't want to get sick of it; I loved it in it's sweet, supple moderation. Sometimes I feel like slitting my wrists at the thought of you never being in my life, but then I wake up and see you in your cute trimmings, and I am reminded why I fell in love with you in the first place.

And that's how I feel, ya'll.

[Rogue]

Originally Posted by Irishsara

I know i should have elaborated more but im just in such a high stress environment.

Its a blog, not a column, and not even about wrestling, i just wanted to put alittle down because honestly i have a small number of people who i can talk to about shit.

Its like this, I go to a University, one of the best in the country, everyone in all my classes is smarter than me, i have to work twice as hard just to keep even. This shit is hard, these kids were all in like super gifted programs or some of the best private schools. The professors are crazy, the TAs are overstressed. Everyone is trying to fuck over everyone else and worrying about shit like class rank and GPA. People are so fucking competitive or loaded. Sometimes I feel like I don’t fit in. I mean sure I have some friends here, some serious zoom dweebies but they are good kids. I want more female friends but its all trust fund babies and shut ins. (ok that’s an overexaggeration)

I can’t quit smoking, even alittle bit. Like I try, but fuck, it just makes things better and when I get drunk I just cant help it. I guess I don’t really want to quit.

The boy I’ve been seeing I don’t think he actually likes me, more like he just wants to fuck me. I mean he called me the wrong name yesterday. He isn’t interesting, he reads too much James Joyce and Lord Byron, he is an English lit major and he is kind of a scumbag.

Its just been a sucky week.

What school are you going to?


Also, I wouldn't worry too much about your GPA, like Zuma said. As long as it's above a 3.0, then you shouldn't' have any problems getting into a good graduate program, especially if you got that 3.0 from a prestigious school.

[Irishsara]

i go to an IV league school. And its not really worrying about my GPA, cuz i got above a 3.5, I mean i do worry but its just normal stress that every freshman goes through. its just everyone is so focused on it, i watched a girl break out into tears in class cuz she got a B. Its so pushed and abused. it can get so crazy, luckily, i moved out of the Dorms because i hear its even worse there.


Its just harder then i thought it was going to be.

[MissouriDragon]

If it makes you feel any better, I've had two dental surgeries in the last two days.

So y'know, things could easily be worse.

[Irishsara]

honestly, im not that bad off emotionally. It is just stuff i cant talk about with the people in my life ya know?

I broke up with that boy. by the way.

TWO dental surgeries? damn that sucks.

[MissouriDragon]

I woke up this morning with my jaw swollen up like I was dipping baseballs. I'm lucky to have gotten an appointment.

And good, because that clearly wasn't working for you.

[OniBarubary]

Never fuck Lit majors. And this is coming from a Lit major. We are emotionally distant people.

Least I don't read Byron, fucking hack. Joyce on the other hand...

[Rogue]

My advice Sara, go watch some Chuck.

It will make you feel better, guaranteed.

[Hatchet]

Originally Posted by Irishsara

honestly, im not that bad off emotionally. It is just stuff i cant talk about with the people in my life ya know?

A blog consisting of current life ups and downs and a weekly "suck-o-meter" would be awesome. If writing helps relieve your real life stress, then try incorporating a real blog about it. The best way to get that weight off your shoulders is to throw it at other people. That could be dangerous in real life, but you can tell everybody on LOP that you accidentally pooped yourself on the way to class, and it will be not held against you (at least not after 48 hours)

[Son of Repoman]

People, People, People.

Its the freshman blues. You all mean well, but there is only one thing that Sara needs; something that was expressed by the musical styling of Mr. Roth....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYx7YG0RsFY

[MissouriDragon]

"Sip Banker's Club and drink Miller Lite..."

There's your solution right there.

Or, you could just get real fucked up and watch some Bourdain. That's what I'm doing (course, I'm shot full of painkillers right now).

[Irishsara]

I am actually going to see bourdain LIVE tomorrow in Provi. im so excited!

and im going to the bar tonight, and they serve me cuz i filled in there when one of the servers were sick, so ill drink some red ale and kick back and have fun.

[Son of Repoman]

Repo and Mizzou solve another one

"Damn we're smooth"

[Brilliant]

You should look into dating men instead of boys.

[XanMan]

Originally Posted by Irishsara

Its a blog, not a column, and not even about wrestling, i just wanted to put alittle down because honestly i have a small number of people who i can talk to about shit.

Like I said, writing can help a little. If it's therapeautic for you, keep writing about the shit that's pissing you off and getting you down. If you just want someone to talk to, shoot me a PM.[/quote]

Originally Posted by Sara

I can’t quit smoking, even alittle bit. Like I try, but fuck, it just makes things better and when I get drunk I just cant help it. I guess I don’t really want to quit.

My wife's tried to quit I don't know how many times. Meanwhile, my Dad and I just stopped without a single craving. Some people are just wired to be unable and if you're one of those and don't want to quit, you're never going to be able to...especially if drinking makes you want to.

Like I used to say, I only smoke (cigars) when I drink, I only drink when I play poker, I only play poker when I'm awake.

Originally Posted by Sara

The boy I’ve been seeing I don’t think he actually likes me, more like he just wants to fuck me. I mean he called me the wrong name yesterday. He isn’t interesting and he is kind of a scumbag.

Hopefully you didn't let him. You should at least know he likes you before that happens.

[Uncle Joe]

Did you seriously just say you went to an IV league school? Forreal?

[Zuma]

Originally Posted by T.O.

What if she wants to attend graduate school though? That matters a lot (GRE, recommendations, experience, blah blah blah too).

You're missing my point of it shouldn't be her total and complete focus.

Originally Posted by avery

Except when they ask you what your GPA was in school, which most applications do.

Again... in the end... as long as it's not miserable, it doesn't really matter. If it is miserable, you're probably not graduating anyway. A serious candidate will be hired regardless of GPA - if you can talk the talk and walk the walk. Welcome to the real world. You're not losing a job because you had a 3.1 as opposed to a 3.4, and if that's what the hiring person is basing their decisions on - they aren't very good at their job in the first place and you probably don't want to work there anyway.

[Irishsara]

Yeah, its less worrying about my own GPA and more the fact that everyone around me is tweeking about theirs. and yeah IV league school.

Tonight I'm going to see Antony Bourdain speak, so ill probably write that up. maybe try for an "actual" blog even though an actual blog is kinda a fallacy cuz a blog by definition is
Main Entry: blog
Pronunciation: \ˈblȯg, ˈbläg\
Function: noun
Etymology: short for Weblog
Date: 1999
: a Web site that contains an online personal journal with reflections, comments, and often hyperlinks provided by the writer; also : the contents of such a site

So length doesnt really factor in. But honestly, my next one will probably be longer.