(CSI) Struggle For Power #85 - Not A Classic Paper Review

[Degenerate]

Struggle For Power #85 - Not A Classic Paper Review

Ladies and Gentlemen, the name is Degenerate, and welcome to a special, never-before-seen Classic Paper Review. I'm not a happy camper at this moment, as I had planned a grandiose column for you all. Long story short, I wanted to write a review about an old Puerto Rican wrestling show dubbed Aniversario '83, that was stacked with talent like Harley Race, Gorilla Monsoon, Andre The Giant, and a host of other renowned names from the wrestling world. However, I was lied to by the person who was going to send me video of the matches and never got them, so I couldn't review that column. And really, it would've been a treat for every one of you. I'm sure we all would've learned a ton from that.

Well, there's no use in living in the past. Wait, there is. This is a column that does reviews from past wrestling shows. Anyway, can someone give me that sombrero so I can pick a show to review?

Let's see what the todo-poderoso sombrero chose for us... WHAT??? I refuse to do this! Still, I want a chance to get to the CSI Finals. Dammit... Okay. The year is 1998. Wrestling was reaching unimaginable heights, WCW was kicking ass in the ratings, and the person who would become, arguably, the hottest wrestling commodity ever was about to bust out. I had always been watchingw wrestling since I was a little boy, but in '98 I was definitely hooked. This was a fun time to be a wrestling fan. People who you didn't expect to be wrestling fans watched the show religiously, and every Tuesday morning at school you would only listen to chatter about the previous night's episode of Monday Night Raw. Of course, you can't talk about the WWE in 1998 without talking about the Granddaddy Of Them All... Or as I somberly remember it, the End Of An Era.

THE FACTS

The Event: Wrestlemania XIV
The Date: March 29, 1998
The Place: FleetCenter, Boston, Massachusetts
The Attendance: 19,028 peeps


The 1998 Royal Rumble was full of events that would shape up what would be one of the biggest years in wrestling ever. A white-hot Stone Cold Steve Austin won the Royal Rumble and a chance to face the WWF Champion. That person was none other than my beloved Shawn Michaels, who earlier that same night won a grueling Casket Match against The Undertaker with the help of his fellow Degeneration X members Triple H and Chyna. However, unbeknownst to HBK and all of us at the time, that match would alter Shawn's life forever. A bump gone wrong was perhaps the figurative straw that broke the camel's back. Well, if Shawn were a camel, that phrase would be literally true. Anyway, Shawn clipped the casket with his lower back when he was thrown outside, which would put not only his upcoming Wrestlemania match in doubt, but also his entire career.

As if that wasn't a compelling story, the Royal Rumble also showed a giddy Mike Tyson, who was having the best time of his life. This, of course, was setting up Tyson to be involved in some sort of capacity in the WWF. It turns out he would be a part of Wrestlemania. But not just appearing at the show, though. After an altercation between him and Stone Cold Steve Austin, Tyson was bestowed the title of "Enforcer" in the World Championship match. Shawn, being the sneaky bitch he was portraying at the time, was trying to get Tyson and Austin to fight at Wrestlemania instead. This led to a separate confrontation between Mike Tyson and HBK. When it appeared that what happened between Austin and Tyson a few weeks earlier would repeat itself, we all got the shock of our lives when we saw that Mike Tyson was, in fact, a member of Degeneration X! How would Austin overcome such insurmountable odds?

Of course, this wasn't the only feud in the WWF at the time. Another major feud that captivated our attention included The Phenom. The Undertaker was reeling from the fact that his younger brother had resurfaced and was looking to destroy him. 'Taker, being as moral as someone who's dubbed "The Dead Man" can be, refused to face Kane, his own flesh and blood, in a match. But after Kane took it upon himself to lock The Undertaker in that very same damned casket that almost ended HBK's career, poured gasoline on it, and set it on fire, 'Taker was pissed. I mean, I would be too, if someone tried to barbecue me. The match was set for the grandest stage possible.

Another major feud was happening over the WWF Tag Team Championship. Although I find them hard to watch nowadays in that other organization, the New Age Outlaws were the tag team of the late '90s. In the weeks leading to Wrestlemania, the Outlaws ended a feud against the Legion of Doom, but found themselves making new, crazier enemies: Cactus Jack and Chainsaw Charlie, who was just Terry Funk wielding a chainsaw with pantyhose covering his face. Yeah, I don't understand it either. During one of their skirmishes on Raw, the Outlaws trapped Jack and Charlie inside a dumpster, and proceeded to shove it off the Raw set. This led to the crazy people who couldn't make up their damn mind on who they were (Jack and Charlie, just in case) to challenge the Outlaws for the gold. But it wouldn't be just any match. It would be a first - a dumpster match.

This card also featured a still-alive Owen Hart, a pre-game Triple H, some guy who later turned into an actor called Rocky Maivia, and a Japanese dude called Taka. You know he had to be good.

THE END OF AN ERA

L.O.D. 2000 won a 15-team Battle Royal in 8:19

The Legion of Doom had been feuding with the New Age Outlaws over the WWF Tag Team Championships at the beginning of the year. However, loss after loss had proved to be too much for them, and we all thought that the team has disappeared. I'm sure we were all pleasantly surprised to see the Legion of Doom reappear to start the show. But not only did they reappear, but they came back with kick-ass helmets and with the smokin' hot Sunny by their side. And if that wasn't enough to get the fans on their side, they were renamed to L.O.D. 2000. Because everything before Y2K sounded much cooler with the year 2000 attached to it.

With such competition like The Godwinns, The Truth Commission and The Boricuas (sorry, compatriots), L.O.D. virtually had this match in the bag from the very beginning. They eliminated good ol' Bob Holly and Bart Gunn, who were the New Midnight Express. Wait, those weren't their names. They were called 'Bombastic Bob' and 'Bodacious Bart'. Um... Yeah. And what the hell is 'Bombastic', anyway? Was he listening to Shaggy on the radio and mispronounced 'Boombastic'? And people bitch about the state of tag team wrestling nowadays.

Rating: 4 (Coefficient: 0)

Taka Michinoku defeated Aguila to retain the WWF Light Heavyweight Championship in 5:57

WCW had a kick-ass Cruiserweight division at the time. So what does the WWF do to combat that? They created their own version of the title, dubbed the "Light Heavyweight Championship" and got whoever WCW didn't have at the moment. So they had to settle with Mexicans or Japanese wrestlers who no one knew, and unfortunately weren't given the chance to shine. I admit, I was a huge Taka Michinoku fan for some reason, and that's before he teamed with Funaki. This was your standard WWF Light Heavyweight match. They start fast, do some weird moves that heavier guys can't do, and then they end it. Nothing spectacular. The Michinoku Driver ruled, at least.

Rating: 6 (Coefficient: 0)

Triple H (with Chyna) defeated Owen Hart to retain the WWF European Championship in 11:29

Triple H and Owen had been feuding for months, and every single time they battled, Chyna would cause Owen to lose. So the WWF Commissioner at the time, Sgt. Slaughter, came up with the brilliant idea of being ringside and handcuffing himself to Chyna, so she wouldn't provide any interference. Yeah, that's much better than barring Chyna from ringside or not allowing her in the arena or something, This match was pretty good, as both H and Hart were good workers, and they provided a solid match where everyone thought Owen was going to win. But - surprise! - Slaughter's plan backfired, when Chyna had a small baggie of the ever-so-mysterious white powder and used it to blind him. She then got on the ring apron and gave Owen (who was coincidentally standing next to Chyna with his back turned) a nut shot, which allowed the same result as in the months prior to this match - a Pedigree and the three-count in favor of Hunter.

Rating: 7.5 (Coefficient: 0)

Marc Mero and Sable defeated The Artist Formerly Known As Goldust and Luna in 9:11

This match was simply put there so us horny teens could gawk at Sable, who was the dominant WWF Diva at that period in time. As a slight twist in the story, Sable's partner, Marc Mero, was a bit jealous of her fame and tried to scoop up all her popularity. Goldust and Luna were quite the odd couple. This was a short while after Goldust (or rather, Dustin Runnels) had broken up with poor ol' Marlena, and started to acts all weird. He refused to be called 'Goldust', yet he didn't get any other suitable name. In reality, this match was not that exciting, and like I said, only served to put Sable on display.

Rating: 3 (Coefficient: 0)

The Rock (with the Nation Of Domination) defeated Ken Shamrock to retain the WWF Intercontinental Championship 4:49

I was a fan of the bat-shit crazy Shamrock, so I knew I was up for a decent brawl. This was also the beginning of The Rock's rise to stardom, since he found his groove as a heel with the Nation Of Domination. Shamrock was virtually battling all members of the Nation, until he got to face Rocky for the WWF Intercontinental Championship. The match started out in the walkway, and the brawling just continued on and on. I remember being surprised at Shamrock being able to suplex Mark Henry. I was psyched when The Rock tapped out at the hands of an ankle lock by Shamrock. However, we didn't let go, even when the Nation tried to help. As a result, the decision was reversed, and The Rock was awarded the match. And how do youmake a bat-shit crazy person even crazier? By doing exactly this. Smart move. To sum it up: short match with a nice false ending.

Rating: 6.5 (Coefficient: 0)

Cactus Jack and Chainsaw Charlie defeated The New Age Outlaws to win the WWF Tag Team Championships in 10:01

It's a dumpster match, and it featured two of the craziest sons of bitches to ever walk the face of this planet. Do you think we'll have an old-fashioned wrestling bout? For those who don't know (as I didn't, either, being the first ever match of its kind), this match is no-holds barred, and the match ends when both members of a team are thrown into a dumpster and the lid is shut. Kinda like a casket match, except that one of them stinks a bit more. Guess which one. Anyway, this was a good hardcore match, with a few nice looking spots, such as Jack climbing a ladder, only to be pushed off and falling straight inside the dumpster. The ending was a bit innovative too. After having both Outlaws lying dazed on a wooden crate, Charlie got behind the forklift that was holding the crate, and proceeded to drive their prone bodies backstage and roll them off to a separate dumpster inside the building. Not a memorable match, but it was fun to watch.

Rating: 7.5 (Coefficient: 0)

Kane defeated Pete Rose in less than a minute

Cincinnati Reds great Pete Rose walked into Boston and flaunted the fact that while his Reds won World Series title after World Series title in the 70's, Boston was still suffer from decades of disappointment. The Boston fans were livid, until their savior came out - Kane! In an epic battle of Big Reds, we were proven that a Big Red Monster can easily destroy a Big Red Machine. Although epic, I couldn't help but feel that whoever got the cash to bring talent to participate in this grand event defalcated Vince McMahon, as this was way too short to be part of Wrestlemania. Seems like Kane has a knack for making matches short in this 'Mania.

Wait, that wasn't really a match? Screw you, this is my column, I'll rate it because I feel like it.

Rating: 7.5 (Coefficient: 0)

The Undertaker Defeated Kane in 16:58

Like I mentioned in the beginning of the column, Kane had only recently been on television, and he was mighty impressive. He was a big as 'Taker, just about as agile, and he kicked everyone's ass. After the supposed roasting of The Undertaker (not the roasting where you get your ass kicked by Scott Hall), we all thought this issue would never arise again. But we found out that these two giants would battle at Wrestlemania, and the mind games would begin. Or rather, the 'magical powers' game, as Kane tried to one-up 'Taker by summoning lightning as if he were Terra from Final Fantasy III.

The match was pretty damn good, taking the storyline into consideration. This would indeed be a battle of giants. This provided one of the funniest moments for me ever. A friend recorded this show in Spanish, and I watched it a few weeks after the event. During the spot where Kane was on the outside and 'Taker flew over, only to be shoved into the Spanish announcers table (naturally), this is what we heard:

Hugo Savinovich: Kane está fuera del cuadrilatero. ¿Que hará el Undertaker? Va corriendo hacia la soga... SE LANZA POR EL AIRE, CARLITOS! CUIDA....

*Loud static is heard while their table is obliterated, followed by a few minutes of total silence.*

I was just laughing for a couple of minutes after that. The action was intense, and it was believable that one brother just wanted to kick the other brother's ass. Anyone who has brothers (or even sisters), don't tell me there haven't been moments where you wanted to strangle your froward sibling. The end occurred just like many others before and afterwards - 'Taker hits the Tombstone Piledriver and pins his adversary. This was his 7th victory of his very impressive and still-running undefeated streak at Wrestlemania, and one of his better outings in the event.

Rating: 8.5 (Coefficient: 0)

Stone Cold Steve Austin defeated Shawn Michaels to win the WWF Championship in 20:02

Do we have to talk about this? Fine...

At this point in time, Stone Cold was probably the most popular figure in the WWF. He was rolling along, beating everyone in his path, executing Stone Cold Stunners left and right. Then we had Shawn Michaels, who had held the WWF Championship since Montreal. Unfortunately, Shawn hadn't participated in any matches since the Royal Rumble, due to his back giving out on him. Thanks to Mike Tyson, we got some fun and entertaining moments, like the public workout where Stone Cold was tied up in the ring ropes and both Michaels and Tyson kissed Stone Cold's forehead.

If you had watched the match without knowing that HBK was hurting, the match would be enjoyable, but nothing spectacular. But considering that after this match Shawn was was not seen in a wrestling ring for more than four years, this was certainly a valiant effort put on by the man I know and love... I mean, we know and love. At that time I had just gotten into checking the Main Page of this very site for backstage news, and I knew Michaels was hurt, and you could see the pain in his face every time he took a bump on his back. From brawling all over the place to doing the same awesome HBK routine inside the ring, this match was treat for the Main Event.

Unfortunately, knowing that Shawn Michaels was badly injured, and seeing the immense popularity Stone Cold was achieving, I just knew HBK wouldn't be walking out of Boston as the champ. I still held on to hope that he would get the job done at least for one more day. But a Stone Cold Stunner and a three-count by that fucking traitor Tyson spelled the end for the most awesome wrestler ever to live on this planet. Tyson might as well would've hit me with that right cross instead of Michaels, because I was floored by this ending. Good match, but points will have to be heavily deducted due to the ending.

Rating: -100 (Coefficient: 0)

What?!? I'm not being fair? Alright... I'll rate it without taking the ending into consideration.

Rating: 8.5 (Coefficient: 0)

THE VEREDICT

Again, not taking the ending into consideration, I give this show a final rating of 80%. Why 80 percent? Because I'm too lazy to do math at this time, and I made that number up, just like I set that 'Coefficient' to always be zero, because no one on Earth knows what the hell that is. But it feels right to me. This event was in the midst of the so-called Attitude Era, and everything done in this show reflected that fact. From the non-traditional 'singing' - if you can call it singing - of "America The Beautiful" by the DX Band (which was heavily booed, deservingly) to the beginning of the Stone Cold era, where it was cool to flip everyone off and kick your employer's ass, this 'Mania was pure attitude. I would say that this event was a success, and hopefully the WWF threw a huge party, where the wine was effervescent and the Divas were loose. I just made that party up in my mind.

CHAV WORD OF THE WEEK - BY A PUERTO RICAN

I know, I know. A Puerto Rican, doing a chav word? Well, everything else in this column is kinda weird, so I figured why not end it that way? I have no idea what these people say, so I'm just going to grab a random word and check out Urban Dictionary, which seems to attract these kinds of people to write stuff there, in hopes that someone will understand their lost ways. And my word, apparently, is...

BLINGING

Originally Posted by 'blinging', as defined on Urban Dictionary, including horrible misspellings

adj: 1. flashy, ostentatious, attratcing attention. 2. to become erect sexually

'To become erect sexually'??? What the hell are you people on? So only male chavs can be 'blinging'? What if someone says "I'm blinging today!", which meaning will it have? Considering the way chavs dress up, I think 99% of the time it'll mean their horny. Can't people just use the word 'horny' instead? I mean, it's not like that's an American word. Austin Powers used it! Bah, you Brits and Chavs are all crazy folk.

This wraps up my column, which brought back many terrible memories of a time when I thought I would be HBK-deprived for the rest of my life. So to hell with everyone, I'm going out back to burn this tape of the event, and hope I never hear from it again. Whether I continue on in this tournament due to a miracle, or I miserably lose, expect a new Struggle Power coming to your computer screens soon. Thanks for reading.

[JoeyShinobi]

By no means did you disgrace yourself here, sir. Whatever Mazza may have produced in terms of imagination, you've matched in terms of content, and your know-how from 84 columns down the years gives you an edge in terms of knowing your style inside out.

I've never seen this PPV, so I can't comment too much on it. That 'final' HBK match might be worth a watch though.

I'm really glad you pulled out something so late. To say it was up to your usual standard would do your other work a great disservice, but it wasn't bad; in fact, it was very good.

[ca$hmoney]

I was thouroughly entertained throught this whole column and it gave me a good history lesson. Great job!

[Leonard]

Hi Degenerate:

I found this column very informative. I do disagree with the analysis of the Mero-Sable/Goldust-Luna match (as I thought they worked the match well around Sable's limited skillset), but we can agree to disagree.

I also thought the column was not only a great satire, but a great homage to the Classic Paper Reviews. I found it particularly funny when I saw (and you mentioned) that all of the "coefficients" were zero. Good stuff, and good luck.

--Leonard

[Roger Murtaugh]

Yeah, Deg far from a bad column. Very nice touch reviewing a ppv in which Michaels lost. I honestly don't remember the ppv that much outside from the Dumpster match and the main event. I remember wincing every time Michaels hit the rope and it was hard if he was simply selling the match or legitimately in agony. I'm willing to bet it was a little of both.

I'm with Leonard, the coefficients all being zero was priceless.

Nothing to be ashamed of here, I know it's disappointing that your original fell through but you rebounded nicely. Just remember to blame Hugo.



----------------
Now playing: Faith No More - The Gentle Art Of Making Enemies
via FoxyTunes

[Degenerate]

Whoa, this column almost fell off the first page of this forum. You people need to stop feedbacking other people's columns and start feedbacking this one!

Well... Not really. I just like attention, that's all.

JoeyShinobi - I don't feel 'disgraced' by this work at all. Like I mentioned in the beginning, I was just disappointed that I couldn't do the other idea, which I think would've been great. If you haven't watched this show, I recommend you at least view the Main Event. Looking back on it now, it's a historic ending, with Stone Cold winning his first World Championship and fully kicking off the rise of the WWF to unimaginable heights. Thanks for reading, and the praise is greatly appreciated.

ca$hmoney - I'm glad someone learned something new! Thanks for the read.

lenjr04 - I might have to re-watch that match again, because I don't remember it being enjoyable the last time I watched it a few years ago. I might be wrong. I wanted this column to reflect Mazza's own style, which he's groomed to his own, so if I did it as well as he could, then I did my job. Thanks for stopping by.

Dr. Monkey - At least you remember two matches. People usually remember this show only for the Main Event, due to Tyson's involvement and Stone Cold's first World Championship win. And can't we blame Hugo for all the ills in the world? That will be my credo from here on out - "When in doubt, blame Hugo". Awesome. Thanks for the read.

Come on, don't you think I deserve a little more feedback here? Can I abuse my powers and threaten to ban people if they don't leave feedback?

If not, then we're still cool. Look for a new column sometime soon.

[Presti]

I was actually in attendance at this event and I was about 8 at the time lol.



This main event match was a real testament to your boy HBK being in so much pain but still sticking it out to put over SCSA. Also it was a pretty fucking good match all things considering. The tag battle royal was a debacle. The dumpster match was tons of fun, and i remember my dad being pissed. " We spent how many dollars on wrestlemania tickets and we have to watch it on the TV?!?!?!" [referring to when the battle spilled backstage, for the ending no less lol. And me and my dad were both huge Owen Hart fans so that match was a joy, and we actually were one TV for about 4 seconds right before it haha. Kane vs. Taker was a great match and boy is that taker entrance surreal live. Especially at Mania. Other than that, it wasnt very memorable, The light heavy weight match was fun, but very predictable and was meh...and the mixed tag was decent, but it sort of started the whole divas getting in the ring thing, which has been a failed experiment IMO. The Shamrock Rock match had a cheap ending, but was a good match.

BUTTTT seeing Pete Rose get tombstoned live in person has completed my life. Hahaha.


Funnily I dont really remember the Chris Warren Band performing America The Beautiful.


This was a good review man, I agreed with you on all your points and you hit Mazzas formatting fantastically. I also love the coeffecients and you just saying fuck it, and rounding it up to 80% lmao. Good job and look forward to number 85.