Inside the Mind 17.75: OMG!1!!1!!It’s a PPV Review column!!!

[anonymous]

Credit to Joey Shibobi for all good graphics in this column.






I did the shit graphics myself.

Hello and welcome to another edition of Inside the Mind. My name is anonymous and I’d tell you a bit about myself but that would make my name meaningless. Today you’ll be reading another intellectually challenging piece which is sure to enthral, captivate and generally leave you with a great sense of satisfaction.


Well, not really. It’s just a load of shit I put together and called a column. I hope you enjoy it anyway. Let’s get started...

Wrestleboobs won’t return! After my last column, a couple of people said they weren’t happy with the lack of my Wrestleboobs section. But, Wrestleboobs was axed before I left the Main Page and it won’t be returning. My columns will still include attractive women who’re semi-naked so, what’s the difference? Here’s one for the road:





Monkey Quits! When I read about a Monkey quitting on Lordsofpain.net, I thought people were being incredibly harsh on Jamie Noble. I mean, he can’t help how he looks. None-the-less, he has announced his retirement. Personally, I think it’s just an angle but, we’ll see as things go on. If it is true, I’ll be quite upset because I’ve always rated Mr Noble and hate how the WWE have used him in recent times.


Classic Survivor Series Matches announced! Anyone that needs matches (whether you’re a smoker or simply a pyromaniac) can now buy some WWE themed ones from selected stores. WWE have even announced a special Survivor series brand. It’s not like I made them up because I'm clutching at straws for topics...


I said I sucked with graphics.


Man gets DWI from a Wheelchair! http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/33436913...ws-weird_news/. It was Rikishi. He did it for the Rock. Why did The Rock want this man to get a DWI? How did Rikishi cause the man to be arrested? Will we learn anything more about him on Monday night Raw?! How will this affect the preparations for the HUGE PPV coming up? Tune into Raw on Monday to find out more!

Over the last few months, we’ve had 2 review columns on the main page as well countless amounts in the columns forum. So, I’ve decided it’s about time I had my go at recapping a PPV. I even have my own rating system which I haven’t used for over a year. I used to use it for rating columns but, it works just as well on matches. So, I ordered an event and here’s my review of it:

Match #1: Misty Mundae vs Sybil Danning in a Singles Match
It was an interesting decision to start with a Divas match and I honestly believe it backfired. They spent the first 5 minutes of the match stripping down to their ring attire and then did some really basic grappling before it was all over. Both girls disappointed me and I’m sure they’d be willing to do a lot more with more time given to them. I can’t bring myself to even pass this contest as it did absolutely nothing for me.


Nony score:
One Rey Mysterio for a contest too short and pointless to be truly enjoyed.



Match #2: Jeff Stryker and Ginger Lynn vs Zak Spears and Stormy Daniels in a Mixed Tag Team match
I was a bit shocked by this match as I didn’t realise it was going to be a Tornado rules match. But, I felt that really added to the contest and all the participants really surprised me here. I wasn’t so keen on the moments when Jeff and Zak were grappling at each other but, the women gelled really well. I’m a big fan of Stormy Daniels’s work and I thought Ginger really rose to a new level against her. The mixed gender moments were also genuinely entertaining and the finishing sequence around the 20 minutes mark was something I’d never seen before and a nice ending to a good contest.


Nony Score:
Four Umaga’s because I thoroughly enjoyed the contest for its run and there was a surprising amount of energy in it.



Match#3: Shoko Goto vs Rin Aoki in a Singles Match
It’s great to see two talented Asian stars having success in America and these girls put on an amazing display here. Rin Aoki is probably the best lady around right now and she showcased all her talents perfectly here. Sadly, it didn’t go on quite as long as I’d wanted, finishing around the 8 minutes mark, when Shoko performed some innovative manoeuvres involving a pole and Rin Aoki. The moves with the pole clearly led to Aoki submitting to Shoko Goto and left both divas coming out looking strong. Up till that moment it had been a good, even match with a lot of action packed into the 8 minutes and I’m sure a lot of people would love to see these two go at it again.


Nony Score:
Three Jimmy Wang Yang’s for a good Asian match which I wish I could have seen more of.



Match#4: Alexis Love vs Amy Reid vs Kim Chambers vs Lacie Heart vs Paul Barresi vs Nick Manning vs Stephen Geoffreys in a Battle Royal.
Okay. I’m not going to lie. I had no clue what was happening for a lot of this. It was the clusterfuck to end all clusterfucks and I didn’t know where to look most of the time. The men seemed to spend the majority of the match dominating the women and there was some pretty good double-team action at points but, it was just too messy. Geoffreys’s age means he probably has to take part in multi-man bouts these days but, I’d rather he just didn’t take part at all because he just doesn’t entertain anymore. Anyway, the match ended on the 12 minutes mark with two of the ladies double-teaming Barresi, whilst Manning and Reid were locked in some submission hold. I’ve no idea what happened to the others.


Nony Score:
One Chris Benoit because I’ve no idea what the fuck was going on or what happened at the end.




Match#5: Jenna Jameson vs John Seeman in a Hardcore Match.
Before the contest started, the commentator asked us if we were ready for some “Hardcore action” and I was really looking forward to seeing these stars go at it in our main event. I’m also aware that John Seeman has since retired and I was interested in seeing if he lived up to his reputation. Obviously, Jenna Jameson’s a legend and when I realised there was 50 minutes left for them to work, I was delighted. They didn’t disappoint. In those 50 minutes, they performed some of the most hardcore action I’ve ever seen and they proved just why they belong in the main event. The variety of moves and use of weapons was absolutely phenomenal and I’d tell budding stars everywhere to watch this match as an example of how to perform. After 30 minutes, I was exhausted just watching the match but, these guys showed their stamina and I’ll be adding this match to my collection under my bed.


Nony Score:
Five Rikishi’s. Everything about it was perfect.






And, that’s it. I’ve officially reviewed my first PPV. I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did and I hope to see you for my Skanky Sluts 9 Review in a few weeks...
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Maybe not. Here’s Wrestlemon anyway.

The gay old bloke.

Does a lot of work behind the scenes and is generally liked by everyone. But, the fact is that they’ve been single all their lives and people need to realise and accept the truth that they’re gay. Occasionally they’ll still pop up in front of the screen but, they’re past the stage where battling other men happens outside of the bedroom. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. They're up there with Sir Ian McKellen and Dumbledore in the gay lists and that's a 4-some I'd pay to see.



Goodnight my children.


And remember:

[JoeyShinobi]

This flat out sucked. Not only did you ignore all my advice from before, you then went and did a pointless review of a show no-one will ever remember. It's all very well picking out one from the vault, but if you can't even be bothered to watch half the matches, what's the point in writing about it? This was messy, it was near incoherent - it was almost as if you were trying to write it with one hand.

Seriously, if you're just going to keep coming here with the inane babbling of a pre-pubescent schoolboy, I suggest you quit posting your crap in here. I shall be informing the moderators post-haste, as this clearly had nothing to do with wrestling.

[MissouriDragon]

Shinobi, did I miss some kind of joke here?

[anonymous]

When Joey was writing weekly, I'd give him negative feedback to all his excellent columns. Now I'm writing regularly, the roles reversed. I hope so anyway.


I promise there's more to it than that but, that is the jist.

[JoeyShinobi]

Originally Posted by MissouriDragon

Shinobi, did I miss some kind of joke here?

Yeah, I actually quite enjoyed it. I don't do graphics for people whose work I don't enjoy.

Although, with that said, I don't really do graphics. I was just curious to see what would happen if a really negative bit of feedback was the first response to this, but it seems in my tired state I overdid it. It's all in good fun.

[SkittleZ]

Wrestlemon are simply delectable.

Good dirty fun as always, Nony. I'm expecting weekly columns from you to become a regular thing now.

I must admit though that the chick in the bikini's hangers don't even look that sexy. More like unhealthy.

Mucho love, homie.

[Box Car Rocco]

I got a smirk out of the monkey quits/Jamie Noble headline.

With you reviewing PPV's, does that mean that your prediction columns will come back?

[ca$hmoney]

A few of the matches could've used some more explosive, hard hitting spots, but the rest of this is spot on.

[Super Chrisss]

Wrestlemon is great, but comeon! I want to see boobies! That one picture you posted was clearly an anorexic man who lost body fat everywhere bu in his breasts. Please supply a more stimulating photo next time.

Honestly, I groaned when I read you'd be doing a review column, but that quickly changed once I saw what you'd be reviewing. Good idea.

You could have made this a bit longer, but it was fun while it lasted.

[The Maz]

This may be odd but I don't think that I would ever get bored of this if it was a series. As for the reviews, a bit more play by play action would have stepped it up a level but it was fun while it lasted (which would pretty much be the story if you reviewed one of my matches). A very nice idea though and I hope you do a prediction one next so I can find out what all the fuss was about.

[anonymous]

I suppose I should give this thing some real feedback.



JoeyShinobi- I'm sorry for the state of the column. I did try and review as much of the show as I could without making it boring. I'm sorry if I appeared a bit "distracted" but the PPV left me with a sticky keyboard which left it very difficult to write.

My advice is that if you think my school-boy crap shouldn't be posted here then you can FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I'm trying my hardest.




Missouri Dragon: Yes.


JoeyShinobi- I love you, dear. Try again next time.


SkittleZ- Wrestlemon might be axed if I run out of inspiration.

You can expect bi-weekly stuff from me and I can't promise anything better. I'll try though. Obviously, if it was a bigger stage, I would try harder...

She's got nicer boobs than you have by the way. Just for the record.

I love you, Magoo.


Box Car Rocco- I'm glad to have made you smirk. It's highly likely I'll do a prediction column for the rumble. I'm not doing one for anything but the big 4 though. It'll get dull otherwise.


ca$hmoney- I'm afraid I temporarily lost the capacity to write during the hard-hitting spots. My mind was on other things.

Thanks for reading.



Super Chrisss- Ugh. I never knew there'd be so much demand for boobs in my column. I'll see what I can do.

Generally, when you've seen I've posted a generic column, it'll be anything but. I once did a piece looking at the stars on big daddy v's ring attire.

Cheers for reading and sorry if it was a tad short.



Mazza- a present. (all graphics and pictures are absent due to laziness).

Inside the Mind: OMG! Wrestlemania Predictions



Hello and welcome to a very special edition of inside the mind. My name is anonymous and I’d tell you a bit more about myself but that would make my name meaningless. Thanks for stopping by and I’m sure we’ll all have lots of fun in the next couple of minutes. I will anyway. Lets start this shit.



Food for thought

It’s the Anniversary of Jesus’s death! – Yes it’s true. Jesse and Festus have died for me. I don’t care about them and I don’t think many other people do anymore. It sucks that the WWE’s killing the tag division. RIP Jesus and sadly, and don’t think these guys are ever going to be resurrected.


Jeff Hardy’s house burnt down! - In 60 days we’re going to have the final big return of Rikishi. Turns out he burnt Jeff’s house down for The Rock. Tune in to ECW in 60 days time and we’ll hear why. However, rumours that Jeff’s dog was in fact Lita are unfounded after the RSPCA stated that Lita could not qualify as a dog. Dogs are loveable.


Wrestlemania approaches! – Am I going to order it? No. Am I going to befriend a random unpopular Wrestling fan this week? Yes. Then I’m going to watch his T.V, eat his food and then I’ll never talk to him again. Then I’ll find someone else for Summerslam. Sheepy- What are you doing in 5 months?



The Unnamed Main Section




Anyone that has read my feedback recently will know I’m fed up with Wrestlemania predictions columns. I hate the damn repetitive things. If I want to read predictions then I’ll go to the official predictions contest, not the columns forum. So what should I do? Should I boycott the columns forum for a few weeks? Should I just slit my wrists in anger? I’m not going to do either of them because I’m not moody or emo enough. Instead, I’m just going to follow the crowd. Fuck it- if everyone else is going to do a predictions column then why shouldn’t I?

So, it is my great pleasure to introduce you all to:




The First Ever Anonymous Predictions Column!

In order of importance: (least first)

Triple Threat Match for the WWE Championship
Prediction: Outfits. This one is a difficult one to call. Whilst I fully expect John Cena to wear his usual attire alongside that rather attractive T-shirt for the entrance (no homo), I’m not sure which of HHH and Orton won’t wear black trunks. They’ll avoid it because clashing underwear just doesn’t suit the main event. It’s more mid-card style. However, I’ve got to conclude that HHH will stick with the typical black trunks and Orton will have to adopt some red trunks for the night. Maybe with a picture of something over his penis.

The Undertaker vs Edge
Prediction: Referee. Many people forget that it’s not just the participants who dream of getting into the main event of Wrestlemania. It’s also the referees. Imagine counting the pin as Hogan beat Andre or John Cena beat HHH. Who will get the honour of doing that this year? For me it’s between Charles Robinson and Mike Chioda. I can’t remember the others. After that it’s easy. Because old Charley’s tagged with Flair before I’ve got a feeling he’ll be refereeing Flair’s match and Mike Chioda will be in charge of this match.

Floyd Mayweather vs Big Show
Prediction: Entourage. This is total guess. Mayweather likes to have a lot of people around him at all times and this has shown in the WWE. His posse hasn’t even left him when he’s come to the ring and he’s likely to have several people with him at Wrestlemania. But, Big Shows quite a tall guy so I predict he’ll have No one with him.

Money in the bank ladder match
Prediction: Shelton Benjamin Botches. Another tough one. Matches + Shelton = missed spots, injuries and entertainment. Matches + Ladders + Shelton = a total botch-fest. So how many botches will he do? I would predict three but, the loss of Hardy means a potential botch will have been taken out but, CM Punk and Jericho should help Shelton reach a respectable Two.

Batista vs Umaga
Prediction: Commentary team. Smackdown vs Raw in watch should be a very good match. In my dearest of hearts I hope that The Coach isn’t doing this match. Any sound that comes out of that man’s mouth makes me want to kill someone. But, to be realistic the only other match he’s certain to commentate on is Edge vs Undertaker so I’ll have to pick Michael Cole and The Coach to commentate but, pray for the interbrand duo of Cole and The King.

24 man Battle Royal:
Prediction: Longest Entrance. Well, how can I predict the longest entrance when I don’t know who’s in the match? Out of the few announced superstars I’d pick Kane but, with legends rumoured to be in the match I’m going to take a stab in the dark. I was going to go with Roddy Piper but, then I suddenly had a dream. What if... HE came back for one more match brothers? It’d be a Wrestlemania moment which we would all remember. Therefore, I have decided that Scotty Too Hotty will have the longest entrance.

Winner vs Chavo Guerrero
Prediction: How soon is it into the match until Eddie is mentioned? It’s guaranteed that at some point Tazz or Styles will refer to the late great and surprisingly straight (Did you see that mullet?!) Eddie Guerrero and the only question is when? A lot rides on the length of the match and who wins. But, when the Chavo goes for the frogsplash at 4:32 into the match, the reference will be made. Even if he misses.

Break
I’m bored and so are you probably. We’ve got the two most important matches to cover and I’d recommend having a rest to regain your excitement. Go on http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Like-John-Cena and study it for a bit. Don’t come back until you’ve achieved what they request (Please do really). Meanwhile I’ll be watching that Mickie James video which has finished its download.

Everyone back? I hope you enjoyed that break as much as I did. Let’s continue.

Finlay vs JBL
Prediction: How will Hornswoggle fair? Let’s face it. That little midget is going to show up at Wrestlemania and interfere in what could be a damn fine match. But, will he be battered or will he get the assist for a Finlay win? My heart says the latter. So does my head. But, I still feel a slight heelish tendency in Finlay which could lead to him battering Horny at the end of the match and eliminating him from my T.V screen. In which case, that lil Bastard will fair very badly.

Lumberjill Match
Prediction: Which diva will have a wardrobe malfunction? The most important match of the night. So, we’ve got a bunch of attractive women who are likely to be scantily clad and wrestling together at the biggest event of the year. We’ve also got a bunch of attention seekers who’ll want to expose themselves to a more national audience. So who will have an “accidental” nipple slip? There’s a hell of a lot of competition and I was stuck between two for a while. Candice and Maria have already been seen naked by anyone who’s interest so they were out but, who would it be out of The Glamazon and Melina? In the end I decided on Melina, purely because she’s more attractive. But, I wouldn’t mind seeing any of them.

Whole Show
Prediction: Number of wrestlers to get erections whilst in their matches. Well, whoever comes after the Divas match is assured to still have wood , guaranteeing quite a few. Assuming the 24 man battle royal follows that match, we’ll have 23 guarenteed with a potential Pat Patterson involvement stopping the full 24. Furthermore, if the triple threat lasts more than 20 minutes then Orton should be added to that number. Dude just looks dirty minded. Have you ever wondered why he always “gets thrown” outside the ring for a few minutes during his matches? Wonder no more. Add Big Show flashing his Big stick and that gives us a grand total of 25.


So there you have it. My Wrestlemania predictions column. Thank you for reading. We just have time for one last anonymous link:

Final Goodbye.

Once upon a time there was a big main-eventer who wore a mask, was a fan favourite and was involved in some great feuds. Whatever happened? This guy was involved in one of my favourite promos of all time and I share it with you now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXJH-4_tFA4
Goodnight my children.

I hope you appreciate the gift.

[SunKilledMoon]

I haven't read a column in ages, but when I saw "Inside the Mind..." at LOPForums main page I had to click it.

Absolutely amazing job. WrestleMon was terrific as always, as was your wresler rating system.

Keep it up, anon!

[The Maz]

Very good Nony, gift much appreciated. I liked the Shelton botch one best but you definitely had egg on your face when it came to the ECW title match.

[Freeman]

'Nonster-

I missed all of your previous work, so first time reader here (at least I think so anyway.) There were some genuine laugh out loud moments here and overall I thought the whole thing was really entertaining. The Wrestlemon thing is gold as well. So yeah, really enjoyed it, I'll make sure I check your stuff out regularly now

PS: Is it bad that I know who most of the "wrestlers" are?

[anonymous]

Apparently people still had stuff to say...


SunKilledMoon- I'm very flattered. The fact you went out of your way for me touches me in all the right places (no homo) and makes me feel even better about you enjoying the column.

Trust me, as long as I keep watching porn- I'll keep it up.


Mazza- How was I meant to know that the WWE would totally bury Chavo?! Oh....from previous experience.

Oh well- fuck it.



Freeman- If you call me "Nonster" again, you and your ancesters will forever be tormented by the results. 'nony , anonymous, anon, nonymo, dickhead, my real name (ask one of the vets), mousy and various other things are fine. Not fucking Nonster though.

Now...since you lost your "inside the mind" virginity to this column, I'd like to say that I'm usually better and longer. I'm glad you'll be returning anyway. Most people who's virginitys I take say that and never come back .

I knew all the "wrestlers". It shows a good, wide worldly knowledge. You sick pervert.


Thanks for reading.

[Freeman]

Can I call you 'Nonaldinho?

Please? It took me ages to come up with that one.

I'll stop spamming your thread now.

[anonymous]

Freeman - Go ahead. In all honesty, I couldn't be bothered to type that name on a regular basis.

Also, I didn't mind the spamming. It meant this column got priority position for much longer than its quality deserved.

[XanMan]

Well, at least you didn't give away the finishes.

[anonymous]

I found the climax was reached before the finish of each match, making the finish unimportant.