Quote Me Happy #23 ~ "Nothing Better To Do"
 "It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education."
Hey yo,
My third year at Uni sucks. A lot. During the first and second year, it was party time non stop, and it wasn't uncommon to briefly become nocturnal over the weekend in order to participate in the various three night drinking sessions that would go on. Nowadays, I'm lucky if I can get any of my boring friends out for just one night over the weekend. I'm sure this is because of the fact that whatever happens in the first year doesn't affect your final grade; you can literally obtain the lowest possible mark in order to pass the year and it won't make a blind bit of difference. Problem is, when you get to the third year, every fart, burp and test score counts toward your final mark, so consequently most dudes are barricading themselves in their rooms and studying 24/7. Therefore, this has led me to do three things that I wouldn't normally do:
1) Stay in on a Friday night.
2) Watch TNA.
3) Write a review column.
As some of you may or may not no, TNA is currently broadcasting on free TV in the UK for a limited time (I think it's about a month.) Previously I would have had to have downloaded iMPACT illegally or watched it on YouTube in order to keep up with it, a process which I deemed to be a complete waste of my time. It's amazing what free TV can do, therefore allow me to present to you:
Freeman's Fantastic Yet Slightly Misinformed Review Of A Show He Hasn't Watched Since Before He Started Shaving.
We start off proceedings with a quick reminder of some wrestler signing for TNA. Apparently he was quite popular in the eighties, but that means nothing. Def Leppard, spandex and big hair were popular in the eighties as well, but that doesn't mean they're making a comeback does it? Anyway, I digress. The show kicks off with Jason Statham, famous for his roles in films such as Snatch and The Transporter. Statham cuts a promo in which he introduces himself, talks himself up and insults Kurt Angle. Angle soon interrupts, and announces that he will face Jason tonight in a street fight, much to the sheer delight of yours truly, as that would be a bit of a dream match for me. It's clear to me that even though Statham's only been in TNA for a week, WWE dropped a major bollock by not grabbing the bull by the horns and signing the Brit when they had the chance. I'm annoyed that we may never get to see Jason compete in a WWE ring, mainly because I dedicated a whole section of my Best Of British column series to his prospects in the 'E. Overall, this was a decent segment with Angle, and Statham gets extra points for saying the word "wanker" on American television.
"Only a punk clips someone from behind"
A.J. Styles is backstage with Lillian, oops I mean Lauren, whoever the hell that is. Wow, since when did A.J. win the TNA World Heavyweight Championship? Actually come to think of it, since when did TNA get their own World Heavyweight Championship? It's quite nice to see that even though I haven't watched the product since 1983, that nothing much has changed in the way that A.J Styles still sucks major balls on the mic or in any situation when he has to talk. I mean for Chrissake, my Uni friends are more coherent and convincing after they've had too much alcohol, swallowed a load of pills and slipped into a coma than Styles, and he's the NWA, I mean erm, TNA Champ damn it.
Fuck you Samoa Joe.
Match number one sees Alyssa Flash taking on Tara, in what looks like the TNA Knockouts men's division. If this was the WWE equivalent, then I would have skipped it on my DVD player by now, but since this shit's sort of live on my TV, I have to sit through it. However, I can see what the all the fuss is about with regards to the Knockouts division, because it completely owns anything the WWE has to offer. Tara always was and always will be a very solid worker, and though I know nothing about Alyssa Flash, I will say that he looks like a strapping young man capable of going far in TNA. It turned about to be a decent match, and certainly one of the better female matches I've seen recently, with Tara getting the pinfall victory.
Winner: Tara.
After the match, oh hey look, since when did TNA sign Mark Henry? I guess that he finally got frustrated with not getting a push in WWE, and decided to make like quite a few others and cross the line. Regardless, Henry makes his way down to the ring with a purpose, plants a big boot to the face of Tara, and destroys Alyssa Flash with an Implant Buster. Not sure what the point of this shizzle was, but it's nice to see Mark Henry back in that monster heel role he plays so well. Hopefully he'll be making strides to the TNA main event pretty soon.
We're backstage with Team 3D, who are having a chat amongst themselves. Rhyno/Rhino/Rhieno/Rheiyeino said something, but no one understands it.
I would write a proper of review of match number two, but unfortunately I hadn't slept in three days prior to watching iMPACT, as I tend to suffer quite badly from insomnia. Consequently I nodded off, so I guess I'm going to have to make something up. Okay, so this match sees Team 3D taking on the Motor Shitty Machine Guns. Brother Ray starts things off with a freakin' chair to the face of Alex Shelley! Holy ECW revival Batman! Chris Sabin then tags himself in, and retaliates by slamming Ray straight through a table, that had previously been set on fire and covered in thumb tacks. Shit, this is getting quite violent. But wait, what's this? Devon has found his way to the top of the arena, and performs an insane 845 degree splash on Sabin from all of fifty feet. Devon goes for the cover, but Alex Shelley has stirred from his earlier chair shot, and quickly breaks up the pin attempt. Shelley then reaches under the ring for a lump of yellow snow, and rubs it in the face of Devon, who promptly taps out.
Winner: Motor Shitty Machine Guns.
Fuck me, that was the best match I've ever seen. Five stars.
Laura, I mean err, Lauren is backstage with... Oh no not fucking Scott Steiner. I hate this man with a passion, so I switched channels and started watching Babestation instead, a much better segment overall. A young lady was jiggling her inflated fun bags about whilst talking dirty on the phone. This segment really helped to build up the tension in the feud between My Hand and My Penis; smart booking there TNA.
Match number three sees TNA Legends Champion Eric Cartman taking on Bobby Lashley. Nice back body drop followed by a suplex by Lashley, who sets up for the spear until Cartman makes a swift exit to the outside. Lashley soon joins him, and we see Scott Stei...
(click)
That Babestation babe is now shaking her ass and simulating sexy intercourse with some dude on the phone. After about thirty seconds of this, My Hand gets a submission victory over My Penis. Good match overall, but it was over a little too quickly for my liking, although it seems that most matches on iMPACT are finished in about a minute, so I won't complain too much.
Winner: Freeman.
"The rumours are true, the British Invasion have been suspended without pay until Turning Point."
The World Elite are in the ring, with Brutus Magnus on the mic. He introduces Eric Cartman, who unfortunately sounds like he's suffering from quite a nasty cold, as his voice seems to have gone all horrible and thin, as if he's talking through his nose. Oh, that's what he always sounds like? Oops... Anyway it soon becomes clear that Cartman is in fact talking through his arse, as he harps on about changing the TNA Legends Championship to the Global Championship, or something along those lines. Yay, it's Kevin Nash! Oh, what the fuck's up with that dude's hair? To be honest, that shizzle should have come off ten years ago when he was in WCW, as it was looking a bit suspect then. However, now with it being all grey and straw like, it looks completely ridiculous. Still, it's quite nice to see a familiar face in TNA, as I don't know who half of these guys are. However, I'm feeling a bit conflicted at Nash's appearance, for two different reasons:
1) Since I haven't watched TNA in ages, I don't really know that much about the current crop of wrestlers on the roster. Therefore, it's quite nice when someone like Nash turns up, as it's a character that I immediately recognise and can get into whatever storyline he's participating in quite quickly.
2) Having said that, I find it quite sad that when I switch on my TV to check out an alternative product to WWE, I see the same douchebags that I saw ten years ago when I watched WCW. Now those guys such as Steiner, Nash and now Hogan were past their prime ten years ago, so fuck knows how bad they are now. The problem I have is that the TNA roster is all over the place at the moment, as it seems to be made up of the ex WCW guys who couldn't keep a job in WWE, (Steiner, Nash and now Hogan) ex ECW guys who couldn't keep a job in WWE (Team 3D, Rhino/Rhyno/Rhinoceros, possibly Rob Van Dam) and ex WWE guys who couldn't keep a job in WWE (Elijah Burke, Matt Morgan, Kurt Angle.) This comes across to someone like me as being very second rate and inferior, which doesn't make me want to get interested in the product one bit.
"You can run but you can't hide."
After some back and forth mic duelling, the World Elite are attacked from behind by Beer Money LTD, but Eric Cartman and Homicide escape. Despite Nash standing inches away from them and telling them they can run but they can't hide, he proceeds to do absolutely nothing. That doesn't make any sense, so just another normal night on iMPACT then.
Daniels and A.J. are involved in a backstage segment, but to be honest both of these guys are useless in these kinds of situations. It turns out the whole point of this segment was Daniels telling A.J. that he was going to talk to Samoa Joe. What a waste of five minutes of my life. Five minutes which I'm never going to get back either. I want those five minutes back TNA. Oh well...
The next match is about to get underway, and I've got say that The Beautiful People, in particular Velvet Sky > most of the WWE Divas, in looks wise and in ring ability. They shall be taking on Christy Hemme, ODB and someone else. First observation of this match is that Madison Rayne looks a lot like Torrie Wilson. Anyway, this match was actually very good, and I'm particularly impressed with some of the tag team moves that were on display here, as yet again it's something that you don't get to see in WWE. I was also impressed that this match closely resembled Babestation, but without the nudity. Once I finished fantasising about Velvet Sky, Lacey von Erich eventually pinned Christy Hemme for the win, and we are soon treated to another sighting of Mark Henry after the match. Tara comes out and exchanges blows with Henry, but they are soon separated by security. A potential match between Tara and Mark Henry gives me a warm fuzzy feeling of anticipation inside, so much so that I will continue watching iMPACT if a programme between those two develops.
Winner: Freeman (again)
Oh get in! I had no idea that Stevie Richards was in TNA, or that he was still alive. I'm so happy that he's still in the wrestling business, because I always thought he was the absolute shit wherever I saw him, be it in ECW, WCW or WWE. Before the match, we are treated to a sacrosanct segment of Stevie on the mic, who I actually think sounds a lot like Shawn Michaels. Stevie will be facing Abyss, which is unfortunately a bit of a squash. Post match, Stevie starts choking out Abyss, and it's at this point that Mick Foley comes out. In the most predictable moment in all of professional wrestling history, Foley saves Abyss from Stevie, despite their recent rivalry. Now as you know I haven't exactly been up to date on current TNA affairs, but I saw this crap coming from a mile away. In fact, I would've been more surprised if Foley had came out and attacked Abyss. From moments like this, you can see why a lot of people don't watch TNA, as not only does it make no sense, it predictably makes no sense.
Winner: I don't care, Stevie lost man.
Freeman rating: Shite.
It's Rhynannosaurus Rex taking on Matt Morgan next. I used to quite like Matt Morgan, and I genuinely hoped that he would become a big star in TNA, until I realised that he reminds me a lot of Lex Luger. Lex was always one of those guys that was just sort of there, without really being the star of the show, and unfortunately I envision the same future for Morgan. I digress, so lets just say this: Crap match, with Morgan winning with a boot to the face. Yes, a boot to the face.
After the match Rhino said something, but no one understands it.
Backstage, we see Daniels, who looks pretty angry, and...
Fuck you Samoa Joe.
"We just found that something has happened to TNA World Champion A.J. Styles."
After the Kurt Angle promo, we come to a strange segment in which Lionel, oops I mean Lauren is saying that A.J. Styles has been attacked for the second time in a row. Who's behind these attacks? Will Styles be booked as a better World Champion, or will he return to his announcing gig on ECW? Will anyone understand Rhino next week? Tune into TNA to find out.
Oh, there's still more programming to follow. A video package involving the Knockouts photo-shoot is shown; nice guns girls. Jason Statham vs Kurt Angle is next.
The match between Statham and Angle was one I've been looking forward to since Statham's role in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. Unfortunately, it was pants, keeping in line with most of the matches that TNA have given us tonight, sans the Knockouts matches. This is mainly down to it being way too short for a main event, even shorter than most of the WWE matches on free TV. However, what happened post match was even worse. Can someone explain to me how Kurt Angle could be so hurt after taking a move that he's taken in almost every match of his career thus far? I know that the clothesline or lariat is Jason Statham's specialty, but the same could be said for JBL, and you didn't see anyone being stretchered out after taking one from him, homo or no homo. If Statham had beaten the holy hell out of Angle, really worked on his neck and locked him in a submission move for ages, then I could understand it, but not after taking just one pretty basic move. This is one of the main reasons TNA is so ridiculous; that someone is left almost dead after a clothesline. However, that's not nearly as bad as what happened next...
Ah, at last, the moment we've all been waiting for. Apparently, the production crew have been preparing the video package for the Hulk Hogan press conference all night, which I doubt is true, but if it is then it really highlights how disorganised the company really is. Regardless of that, the problem I have with this is that we got all of this hype, announcements, and all the reminders during, before and after the matches all for a puny video package, that lasted no more than about three minutes. God knows what TNA are going to when Hogan actually debuts, hell they'll probably set aside an entire episode of iMPACT to celebrate the occasion. I really do hope TNA know what they're doing here, because unfortunately there's no middle ground with Hogan. By this I mean that it will either be the greatest thing the company's ever done, or it will end up burying them to a point where not even their most hardcore fans will take them seriously anymore. There will be no grey area here, and it could be the difference between TNA being taken seriously as an alternative to WWE, or remaining a second rate outfit for the rest of their time in the wrestling business. What do I think I hear you ask? I think that signing Hogan is a waste of time, particularly if he's working in a behind the scenes role, as he doesn't exactly have the greatest track record with this particular aspect of the business.
All in all, 'twas an interesting journey into a promotion that I rarely take any notice of, and I guess I could be nice and say that the good outweighed the bad on this particular episode of iMPACT. If I find myself with nothing else to do on Friday nights now except watch porn and get pissed by myself, then I might just tune into TNA whilst I can still get it for free.
Fin.
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10-31-2009, 02:19 PM
at Mark Henry.
Linear Mode
