The Boomerang Prophecies XXXXI: Imagination

[Martin Riggs]

THE BOOMERANG PROPHECIES XXXXI: IMAGINATION

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, it’s me, your host, Johnny Boomerang, the man reminding you that a Swastika is not an acceptable Christmas decoration. I’m here to talk to you about Wrestling. Professional Wrestling, to be more precise. Professional Wrestling within the WWE, if we‘re being a stickler about things. Wrestling has its fair share of problems. Different types of problems, yes, but problems nonetheless. (A rhyme? This man’s a genius! Just look at his… penius) Allow me to break it down for you:



THE RING

Some places have four sides, others have six. You’d think that in a time where wrestling isn’t exactly the coolest of sports to be watching, that those involved in it would at least stick together. Sadly not, and even something as petty as how many sides a ring has is up for debate. Traditionally, the wrestling ‘squared circle’ as it’s known, has had four sides, and four corners. A square, in which people from all sides can watch two (or more) slightly elevated men battle. However… no, I can’t think of any reasons to have more corners. It seems silly and rather ostentatious. Very much ‘ooh, look at us, we’re TNA, our ring has six sides to it, aren’t we different and avant garde!’ Plus they really should have renamed it the ‘hexagon’d circle’, and that’s a bit of a mouthful at the best of times. But can you imagine if wrestling had always been performed on a different stage? Like, if instead of a square, it was a circle? Or a triangle? The ‘triangular circle’ people would call it, and we’d accept it as such. It’d be bigger than ‘our’ ring, but it’d have a smaller surface area. Oh man, and it’d be perfect for triple threats! Not so great for fatal fourways, though… And you could have a move that comes off the top rope onto someone leant against the middle of the ropes opposite! Shit would be crazy, y’all! Or, how about instead of on an elevated ring, wrestlers fought in a ditch underground, and we watched as you would a tank of sharks, through windows underneath. And we’d spend all this time underground, watching wrestling. And some people would come through the dirt, into the crowd, like a giant worm with arms and legs. How bizarre.



THE ATTIRE (MALE)

You know what I’ve noticed? There are different types of wrestling attire one can wear. As far as basics go, you’ve got your trunks, tights and one-piece’s. But why do people wear different types? Surely it’s about the statement you make in the ring, not what you’re wearing, that counts? Is it about hiding parts of the body you’re less than proud of? Why does the Undertaker not just wear trunks? I’d probably be more afraid of a scantily clad 6”7 behemoth bearing down on me, if we’re being honest (and I think we should be). But can you imagine if it was just the wrestling ‘norm’ to wear an attire that covered the right leg, the stomach and the left arm? How WEIRD would that be? I mean, it’d look like a giant sash, that went on for just too long. Or perhaps it was natural for all wrestlers to wrestle in what was essentially a bra. Well we wouldn’t know the difference, it’s all we’d have ever been exposed to. They’d just be strutting around, in their bra and trunks (trunkies?) as if nothing were wrong. Can you imagine The Rock delivering one of his promos dressed like that? Or Stone Cold having such a badass character whilst wearing a bra? “You stand there, thumping your Bible, adjusting your clasp, talkin’ about your Pslam 3:16. Well Stone Cold 3:16 says I just whooped your bra.” It’s a ludicrous thought!



THE ATTIRE (FEMALE)

Some Divas wear skirts, others tights, some even wear chaps. That’s fine, diversity and all that, ‘Go choice!’ Why some of them wrestling in next-to-nothing is beside me, because I can’t see that it’d be particularly helpful to feel the cool breeze on your upper thigh as you apply your devastating chokehold finisher. Although, Rosa, frills, really? It’s just asking to get caught and expose your nipple-carriers. But can you imagine if women wrestled in attire just like men? Like, society had deemed the boob ‘acceptable’ to public display, and so women just wrestled topless? The more top-heavy women would clearly need some sort of support, unless they wanted to go for a KO, I suppose. But what if they were just hangin’ out, chillin’ in the breeze? Or if Divas painted themselves instead of wearing clothes (stop drooling, boys, I’m just hypothesising). Ok, how about if the female wrestlers dressed like Inuits/Eskimos, and wrapped up their whole bodies (maybe not thickness-wise, as they’d probably die of dehydration before they’d finished their match. And we’re talking Divas matches). What if they just were covered, head to toe, in leaves. How freaky would that be? Tree-sh Stratus, they’d call her. And with good reason! Or maybe Beth Tree-nix. Oh, the puns could go on!



THE STYLES

Some wrestlers prefer using a myriad of different holds, throws, slams and chokes, while others just like to smack the shit out of each other. There are wrestling technicians and hard-hitting brawlers. There are high-flyers and there are powerhouses. But why don’t all wrestlers use the same (or at least a similar) style? Why don’t they all just use as many different moves as possible? I understand there’s a ‘WWE style’, so why don’t all professional wrestling promotions use that style as well? After all, the WWE is the biggest and most successful company in the sport, so surely they’re doing something right! If Chris Jericho really is the man of 1,004 holds, why doesn’t he use a different five every week? He could go over a year without doing the same move twice! But can you imagine if everyone in the WWE did that? If every single move was different every week for a year? There’d be no pop for a finisher, no cheer when we knew what was about to happen. What if everyone was a brawler? If every single match consisted of punches and kicks? It’d be an awful hybrid of boxing and kickboxing. Nothing but punches and kicks, it’d be so dreary! Like reading a story with no adjectives. Or how about if every single wrestler utilised the wrong style? Can you seriously imagine the Undertaker going for a Hurricanrana on poor little Rey Mysterio? The guy would get crushed. Or how about, in that same match, Mysterio knocking ‘Taker down with a flurry of rights and lefts? It’s the silly things, but nonetheless, shit’d be fucked up.



THE DRUGS

Some wrestlers do steroids, some smoke weed (both supposedly). Why don’t they all do the same drug, or why doesn’t everyone just not do it? Who cares if you’re not ripped like a genetic freak? I don’t mind if you have your ‘rituals’, or you need to chill and relax after a show. It’s of little-to-no consequence to me if you take painkillers to help you get through the day, although I pity you, because you shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of pressure. I don’t mind if you don’t do any kind of foreign chemicals, and have the urge to inform and lecture everyone about it, week after week. But can you imagine if instead of steroids, everyone just did coke? Although I’d love to see a coked-up Triple H deliver a promo, I don’t exactly think it’d be the greatest thing for business. “I’m *sniff* the gay-muh, *sniff* and when I beat *sniff* John Ce-nuh *sniff *sniff* at Wrestlemain-yuh, I’ll take the *sniff* WWE-yuh Championsniff.” The stuff dreams are made of, I’m sure. Or how about if Undertaker and HBK’s match a ‘Mania this year had taken place while both men were high on ecstasy? Or LSD? Just… odd. I can just see HBK sweet chin music-ing the flying pink elephants, while ‘Taker removes his shirt, because his skin is “so soft”.



THE GIMMICKS

Over the course of the WWF/E, there’ve been a bunch of really interesting and entertaining gimmicks. There have, however, also been a fair share of really, really shit ones. Even now, some people balk at some of the supposed ‘characters’ in play at the Stamford-based wrestling company. We’ve got a leprechaun, a wigga (assuming Jessie is still around), and Kung Fu Naki. Come to think about it, we’ve also got an Irishman who loves to fight, a Scotsman who loves to beat people up and an Englishman who loves to cause people pain. How sadistic does the WWE think Brits are??? But can you imagine if some gimmicks had stuck? Like if Kane was still Dr Isaac Yankem? Or if The Gobbledygooker was still rockin’ our screens week after week? How about if some gimmicks weren’t on the people they’re on? Like if Undertaker (because I like picking on him) had Hornswoggle’s gimmick and attire? And if the little guy played the role of Kurt Angle? Tell me that’s not a ridiculous thought: a heavily aggressive, mat technician midget. The scariest part? Sounds like something McMahon would come up with. How about if William Regal was a wild Samoan? With tattoos and everything. It’d be messed up, no doubt. Anyone remember the zombie from the first few episodes of the new ECW? What if he was main-eventing PPV’s, swapping the title back and forth with John Cena? Can you just imagine!


So the point is, next time you start to complain about the state of professional wrestling, just take a moment and think about what life would be like if it were different. The imagination is a powerful thing, so just be thankful that some people didn’t use theirs more creatively! I’d also like to take this time to apologise for the amount of rhetoric within this column. I seemed to favour rhetorical questions. What can I say? That’s how I roll! I guess that’ll do it for the *sigh* forty-first Prophecies. You know, I posted my first column on February 22nd? I shouldn’t be at 41. Looks like I’ll have to do research into roman numerals soon! Honestly, I don’t know when I’ll post next. Could be tomorrow, could be a week. I like to keep you guys guessing, keep you on your toes. Ok kids, leave your shoes at the door, because it’s boomerang time! (I wanted a catchphrase that just makes no sense, what do you think?)

[Leonard]

Yes sir. Fun, imaginative stuff that makes you wonder "what if?" about the stuff we wouldn't typically think "what if?" about. I believe this makes us realize, once again, why you're such an asset around these parts. Well done.

The six-sided ring is moronic. If women wrestled topless it would demean the womens wrestling product even further (even though I didn't think that was possible, at this point...).

--Leonard

[Uncle Joe]

More drugs, less six sided rings. I like my wrestlers drugged up. All of your favorite wrestlers were/are drugged up:

Hogan
Austin
Edge
The Rock
Shamrock
Eddie G.
C. Benoit
Rey El Mystery


I liked this. Good shizzle Boomerizzle.

[MyLeeCyrus]

Certainly entertaining, definitely bizarre, and with a winning catchphrase nonetheless

[Freeman]

That means you average about five columns a month? Are my maths correct?

To be honest mate, I didn't really like this one. I switched off in some places and found some of it slightly dull, but you did have me laughing at the Hornswoggle being Kurt Angle. One of the scariest things is that I can actually picture William Regal as a wild Samoan, and it just gets funnier every time I think about it, so props for that.

Not my favourite Boomerang Prophecies of all time, but it was alright. I did quite like the tone of this one though, friendly, light hearted and accessible. I look forward to whenever you decide to post again dude.

[LimeFlavored]

I also did some switching off here and there, but I kept reading. You had some neat points but I like the six sided ring (though I wouldn't complain if they went back to four sides). I don't care how much people like Hornswaggle, he's a tool. As for attire, I note how awkward people look when they switch from one thing to another (like Daniels' recent switch from pants to shorts... he looks wrong in them).

Knockouts rock, Divas blow. Women's wrestling took a hit with Angelina Love disappearing but TNA way outdoes anything WWE has got going for them in the boobs department.

[Andy]

It felt flat and dead until I got to the middle part. The 'Drugs' section was by far the best, and it reminded me of the time my cousin had taken ecstacy and punched me because he thought I was a tiger. You did get me thinking for a second about some of the scenarios you presented but I think your final point/conclusion to the piece was slightly weak-- "So the point is, next time you start to complain about the state of professional wrestling, just take a moment and think about what life would be like if it were different."

No-one would watch it if things were the way you suggested in the column. It would be more like a freak/toddlers show if it were like that. Still, not a bad column by any means.

[Super Chrisss]

The thing I loved most about this column was how imaginative this was (no pun intended). You created some ludicrous scenarios, and gave birth to some odd couples, but somehow made them seem almost possible. Very funny column, and super light-hearted. One of my favs from you JB.

[Martin Riggs]

Haha the feedback is almost perfectly split! What a wonderful blend of responses that was!

For those of you who liked it, i thank you for reading and for telling me so. I do love me some compliments, that's for sure. So Joe, Mylee, Lenny, Super Chrisss, i'm glad you enjoyed it.

As for those who didn't really feel it this week (laughable that i imply this is just a weekly column), well...

Freeman. what i'm trying to do here is be different. Not from other columnists, per se, but from myself. I'm trying to branch out and try new stuff, and i'm also trying to keep it more wrestling related (which is the real tricky bit). Of course, i thank you for being honest, and not just go with the flow. So, my little salmon, next time it shall be something different. Maybe with quotes? i jest.

Limeflavoured, yeah, this isn't exactly my favourite format-style, i don't like just talking at people, especially when it's straight, no-nonsense stuff (which the first half of each paragraph tended to be), as that's not where my confidence lies. Still, i'm glad you kept reading, and it's good to see that it stimulated some response from you. Cheers for stopping by

Andy: yyyeeeah, it kinda did, didn't it? I dunno, when i started writing this i wasn't 100% on it, but i had the urge to write, so i kept going. Not saying i'm embarrassed by it, i definitely like this column, but i know it's not the best thing i've ever put out. Still, there's nothing like drugs to pick up a column, eh? Thanks for stopping by, and keeping at it.

[Coolio]

very good column, and i agree wrestling with everybody dressed the same and everything would be dull. Also TNA's six side is actually a good idea, because it puts them away from WWE. Kind of like MMA with UFC having the octagon, and Dream having the ring. It put themselves away from each other. I'll read you next time.

['Plan]

Maybe with quotes? i jest.

...the fuck you playing at boy?!

This was good, not great. You should be great, but this was good. It's a good job you did a great job at being good though. You excelled at what you were and that means this was a great column! See. I knew I could get there eventually.

But in seriousness, it was difficult to get through for the first half as has already been said. It was certainly a cool way of making people appreciate what we're given though and while it feels slightly less overtly creative than the stuff you usually put on the fact is it was as creative as ever; just in a much more subtle way and surely that's a good thing, right?

Enough rambling from me. Cool column and props on trying to stick closer to wrestling, just please please PLEASE don't start forcing stuff out. You're too good for that! And slow down already! I'm embarassed you've written so many in so short a time!

[FreekyDeeky]

Can't say the catchphrase worked for me JB, but I enjoyed the rest. It did a good job of reminding us not to take what we currently have for granted.

To be fair you've written 41 in eight months whereas Chrisss has written nearly 30 in five so you average less a month than him, plus they're all at least a good read

[The Maz]

WTF JB? Very nice thoughts but were you actually on LSD when you wrote this. Good point overall and very creatively laid out, as we expect. Nothing much to say but good job, read ya next time.