Brake For News!!: Special Hogan Edition

[doublehelix]

Recent Scoops From The Shovel of News: Hulk Hogan and "The" Bisch to TNA
October 28, ‘9

In a twist of fate matched only by the cruelest roller coasters, legendary grappling demonstrator Terry "Hollywood "Hulk "Mr. America" Hogan" Bollea has seen his fortunes shift like an angry tide! Mere days after admitting that he had been moments away entering the warm embrace of death, releasing himself from this hellish lifescape by his own hand, Hogan has instead made the unfortunate decision to join the tragic enterprise of Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. Alas, all the treasures of the land of milk and honey were his for the taking, and he scorned it for a fat man with a head-dick!

Like all poor decisions, this one was made rashly, for a woman. On this occasion, that woman's name is Eric Bischoff. Known to her enemies as "The" Bisch, known to her friends for her negative life choices, Bischoff has a long history with Hogan, dating back to their dates in the mid-to-late 1990's. Beyond that, little is known.

(It is of import to the editorship to note that reports of Ricard Flair’s involvement in this matter are speculative and unconfirmed. His family has not filed a kidnapping paper, as of this printing, and we believe a kidnapping is all that could get Flair away from his beloved stamp collection.)

Your editorship has now provided you with news, but that is not all we do!! We pride ourselves on our ability to frame events in a way the mass of persons can comprehend, and if you will hold this frame to your head, we will fill it with understanding! We will ask the question:

WHAT DOES IT MEAN???

...for Terry "Hollywood "Hulk "Mr. America" Hogan" Bollea?" In addition to delaying his exit from the dreadful sphere, he will, as a small consolation, be able to wear red and yellow in public. They say chartreuse is the new black, but red is the old black and yellow the standard complimentary color for the various blacks! And, fortunately, fashion pioneers were empty, shallow lives, which will reignite his trek to oblivion!

...for the Hogan family? Nickolas will return to jail, and think about what he has done. Brooke will enter therapy, and think about what Nickolas has done.

...for the Hogan ex-family? No effect. Terry and Linda are presently divorced.

...for Total Nonstop Action Wrestling? In the documents, it is listed that Terry "Hollywood "Hulk "Mr. America" Hogan" Bollea drew upwards of 4500 grappling observers to a wrestling demonstration in Memphis, Tennessee. Physics dictate that some number of them own TVs (televisions), some of them watch programs on them, and some of them will watch the Total Nonstop Action Wrestling program of grappling demonstration! If we were they, we would be excited for our chances at making big cash!

...for Television? Two Monday Night programs will fuel the nostalgia of watching one program and not the other. Do not despair your choices, for your actions are dictated by the flapping of the butterfly! (The preceding is a reference to popular concept of "Butterfly Effects", the idea of a butterfly controlling all that we do.)

...for The Current Demonstrators of Grappling Demonstration in Total Nonstop Action Wrestling? They are broken men. They feel nothing. Let us pray.

...for Nigel McGuinness? No relation in this matter.

...for the current Creative Center of Grappling Demonstrations in Total Nonstop Action Wrestling?" In the words of the editorship's esteemed psychology professor, "All children desire toys, all men desire their mothers". Well the powers-in-charge do the courageous thing, and enjoy fine times with their new, muscular toy, or will they become distracted by powerful urgings for forbidden sex? While we promise enlightenment, in truth, we know not everything. Time will solve this mystery, and time alone.

...for "Macho" Randy Savage? Hopefully, resolution. Will Hogan be a man? Is he not a man, presently? Is the procedure expensive? Is the question rhetorical? Hopefully, items on agendas will be settled, as per the matter at hand.

...for the visual documentarians of the exploits of the Hogan family unit? No effect. The program is presently cancelled.

...for "The" Bisch? How does this affect "The" Bisch? How does the passage of time affect photons? How does the tipping affect cattle? One hand is clapping, and you must scream.

...for WWE? Jack climbs the beanstalk, and calls out to the giant. The giant cannot hear him, for he is distracted. Also, Jack's puny vocalizing cords are of insufficient caliber to cause vibrations the giant's overlarge ears can detect.

...for Vince K. McMahon? He will sit in the corner, weeping, thinking about what he and Nickolas have done.

...for the New [sic] World Order? Plausible. Unlikely. Name change recommended.

...for the Dread Mysterious Rey? It means he can laugh his soundless laugh as the sphere devolves into chaos. He will laugh, and he will notsip martinis with his notmouth, and he will watch, a cosmic paparazzi. We shall celebrate 'round your deathbed with scorn and curses, Mysterious Rey.

...for this periodical? Print shall die, and with it, so shall we.

We hope you have found us helpful.

THE END

[Martin Riggs]

...for Johnny Boomerang? A few moments of mirth at the 'impact' both that pun and the recent signing have had on a world that surely moved on. Further, borderline minutes of mirth had at the reading of this column.

[Super Chrisss]

The thought of the NWO re-forming never even crossed my mind. If TNA are dumb enough to go through with it, let us all have mercy on their souls.

[Phoenix Rising]

Originally Posted by Super Chrisss

The thought of the NWO re-forming never even crossed my mind. If TNA are dumb enough to go through with it, let us all have mercy on their souls.

WWE had nWo copyrighted. Don't expect that to EVER come back.

[Brilliant]

Two Monday Night programs will fuel the nostalgia of watching one program and not the other.

Ha-ha, LOL, and other additional abbreviations for laughter.

[steve bullshit]

...for The Current Demonstrators of Grappling Demonstration in Total Nonstop Action Wrestling? They are broken men. They feel nothing. Let us pray.

awesome

[Ripper]

Funny column. I enjoyed your references to Nick Hogan.

Not much more to say than that. Good column.

[Tony Starx]

MYSTERIOUS REY!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Great, yet again.

[Leonard]

This (and your other works) goes to show that something doesn't have to be two thousand words to be effective. Probably the best column I've read here in a while, but that's just my opinion.

Terry "Hollywood "Hulk "Mr. America" Hogan" Bollea

Definitely my favorite part. Fun stuff!

--Leonard

[Uncle Joe]

The Bisch. Hahahahaha

[doublehelix]

J-Boom - If it took borderline minutes to read this column then I have failed. Mine should take fifteen seconds, max.

Super Chriss - See below.

Phoenix Rising - You are correct.

Brilliants - ROFL, LMAO, "heh"

steve bullshit - possum

Ripper - Who's Nick Hogan?

Tony Starx - Why the excitement for such a vile creature? I would be glad to be rid of him.

Leonard - Goofs - Grammar Mistakes: Terry "Hollywood "Hulk "Mr. America" Hogan" Bollea should be Terry "Hollywood" "Hulk "Mr. America" Hogan" Bollea.

Uncle Joe - I live with fish.


Thanks for reading, everybody! I hope you enjoyed!

[Savior4Hire]

I don't leave near enough feedback in the forums, but every time I see one of you columns, I feel compelled to leave feedback. this was absolutely amazing, as always. You may very well be my favorite columnist. Not just the current forums, or main page, but all time.

I've been reading your stuff since you and Xan had Random in your ETA columns, and in all honesty, your last four or five have been among your best ever work. Keep them coming and I'll keep reading them.

[SUPERFAN!]

This was wonderful.