The Legacy of ECW

[Uncle Joe]

8:15 am

*alarm goes off*

Fuck . . . what time is it? Ugh, I was hoping it was 4. Oh well. Time to start the day with some stretching.







8:20 am

Ah, the first tug of the day is always a good one.

*phone rings*

Hello? Hey Lindee . . . Nothing, just jerkin' around . . . TV shopping? . . . Ok cool, give me a half hour to get ready . . .ok bye.

Damn, gotta pee. The toilet covers down? I'll just go in the sink; gotta brush my teeth anyway. You know, this is ergonomically efficient; I should be given a Nobel Prize for this. Fuck should I wear? If I wear some nice jeans, I could kick it to the chicks at the mall. But I need some comfort incase Lindee wants to fondle me in the food court. Fuck it, jeans it is.







9:00 am

*phone rings*

Yerrrr . . . damn, you're downstairs already? Ok, I'm out the door now.







9:03 am

*Gets in the car*

Hey Lindee, we ready to rock some cocks?

Um, what?

I mean, where are we going?

Well, I wanted to go to the mall, but I was checking some stuff online and I noticed that Target is having some killer sales on HDTV's, so I want to check their stuff out, maybe even apply for credit there.

But L, your credit is shit.

Yeah, but yours isn't.

Fudge. Wait, isn't the next Target like 10 miles over? That's like . . . a billion miles from here Lindee.

Stop crying, you weren't gonna do shit but play Guitar Hero and jerk off; might as well take an adventure.

Bitch. And you had the order of my events in the wrong order.

10:58 am

*Parks car in parking lot*

Finally, the Rock has come BACK to Target.

Joey, stop that; we agreed that you'd chill with that shit.

Sorry, was just remembering the time I gave a eulogy for some dude named Rodney.

Ok, anyways, remember that unless it's an extreme saving, I only want 1080 p--

1080 p . . . enises?

Shut up, the doors locked. Damn, stores opening in 5 minutes.






Meanwhile, in the basement of this very Target, the troops are huddled, ready for action but not before a riveting speech to send them off into battle.



There's no doubt about it, your old assistant Mark Recio was a hell of an assistant, and I will not be a manager that hides. I stand here before god and my father in heaven tonight, when I said that I Would be your new assistant manager. In the tradition of Sal Moleo; in the tradition of Mike Lambert; in the tradition of Shelly Rodriguez; of Rico Shirley, the manager that won't ever die. From the Shane McNamaras to the Harland Williams to the Bill Jacksons . . . I accept this assistant managerial position.

Looks at Name Badge.

God, that's beautiful. And they. Can. All. Kiss. My. Ass.

Throws down name badge.

I am NOT the man who accepts the torch to be handed down to me by an old assistant who went to Best Buy 7 years ago. I am the man who ignites the torch, of the BUSINESS, of professional . . . business.

Grabs new sparkly Assistant Manager name badge.

In front of god and my father as witnesses, I, myself, Shane Douglas am the new ASSISTANT MANAGER OF TARGET OF PASADENA, NEW JERSEY!

E-C-W! E-C-W! E-C-W! E-C-W!

10:09 am

Yo Lindee, I found a sick tv. It's only 498 and it's an LG tv.

Yeah, but it's not 1080p Joe.

Oh yeah. Ok, I found one; 1080p and it's only 670.

Plasma or LCD?

LCD.

I don't play games though, so it's useless to me.

Hey, do you guys need any help?

Yeah, my dumb friend over here wants a new TV, and we wer--

Is there something wrong sir?

I've seen you somewhere. OH SHIT YEAH, you're Shane Douglas.

Who?

This guy was one of the dudes who started ECW.

Well, I STARTED ECW, but I did have help.

Oh, I remember now. You suck dude.

Yeah . . . I know. So you'll be taking the TV?

Yes sir.








12:23 pm.

Back in the car

I'm hungry Joe.

Me too. What we eatin'?

Olive Garden.

Ok.

1:24 pm

Parks and gets in the OG.


Sits down. Waiter approaches the duo.

Hello sir and lady, my name is Peter Polaco, and I will be your waiter for tonight.

Hey Pete, what you'd recommend?

Well, we have a new seafood item; the Aldo Montoya. It's a jelly fish heart in sauteed Portabello mushrooms, covered in a 3 cheese blend, with your choice of breadsticks.

Ah, the Man O War. Well, aren't they poisonous?

Yes, but that's the X-Factor.

I would hope I don't die; it'd sure make one hell of an Impact, player.

And the missus?

Get her the cheapest shit on the menu. What? I'm the one paying.









1:50 pm

After enjoying the meal.

Well sir, how was it?

It was justin credible.

Just like I thought. Doggy bag?

Hey, do you know where the cemetery is around here?

Yeah, just head up to S. Hits Creek, make sure to make a left, and no paddles.








2:23 pm


Walking in the cemetery.


Why are we here?

Visiting an old friend.

Hey Chris, it's been a while. Well, there's nothing really new to catch up; Tammy is still sucking cock for crash/cash, Taz is fat and useless, Raven is Raven, and Tommy Dreamer still sucks ass. Well, see ya.










Hey guys, this is Lindee; Joe is busy installing my new TV. It's pretty sweet, if I do say so myself. Anyway, don't listen to what the older smarks tell you; the old ECW sucked. Alot. Most of the matches used a bunch of violence to hide the fact that most of the roster sucked pretty badly, and getting shot in the dick with a stapler was the only way to get over. I mean, the Sandman's finisher was a Russian Leg Sweep for god's sake. "Man, this new ECW is just shitting on the legacy of the old one" is what you'll often hear, which is a load of crap. The old ECW is just like the new ECW; a farm system for the WWF, as this was the place green rookies and old vets/outcasts went to try something new. Don't bother watching Lynn-RVD either; it's just a bunch of sloppy sunset flip counters and botches, much like the rest of the ECW matches.


What you doing Lindee?


Uh, nothing. Bye guys.

[The Maz]

MODS - SMARKS COURT VIOLATION - Shut this down.

[Box Car Rocco]

I thought so Mazza but like, don't be the grinch and ruin Christmas.

The Rock has come back to Target was an amazing line. Had me cracking up. Lynn/RVD owns btw, some of the best matches ever came from them two.

[Glacier]

Inconsitincies Gohan.

There's no snow in the first picture, and its raining..in the second picture there's snow, but no rain.

Also, Cemetary has an A in it...i think.

Raven was the SHIT in ECW. Any other argument is Blasphemy.

But this was the Shizz as usual.

Whats the punishment for violating parole?

EDIT: scratch the cemetery thing. i looked it up in the dictionary.

[Hustle]

This was probably my favorite Unc Joe column in a long time, and that's saying a lot, seeing as how you always deliver. No homo, I guess.

I'm sure some will complain that there wasn't enough "real" wrestling content, but they probably don't "get" what you were saying. Some of the commentary here just stings. Good stuff.

Fuck RVD. Fuck Jerry Lynn.

The Shane Douglas "acceptance speech" was golden.

[doublehelix]

Originally Posted by Uncle Joe

In front of god and my father as witnesses, I, myself, Shane Douglas am the new ASSISTANT MANAGER OF TARGET OF PASADENA, NEW JERSEY!

E-C-W! E-C-W! E-C-W! E-C-W!

Hahaha, damn.

Agreeing with Hustle, this was your best stuff in a while, and you write lots of good stuff.

[Freeman]

I never used to watch the old ECW, but I did get the Rise and Fall DVD when it came out, and fuck me some of those matches were bad. It seemed as if a lot of them were going to 20-25 minutes with almost nothing significant happening, mostly just going throught the motions. Oh, and fuck Shane Douglas for using a belly to belly suplex as a finisher.

I liked the column though Joe, and the Douglas speech was awesome, great idea. I preferred some of your other columns this month , but this was still great stuff and worth breaking Smark's Court Law for.

[Martin Riggs]

Apparently I have to be more specific with my feedback, so i found that in section 2, on paragraph one, line 3, word 4, i found that the choice of word was perhaps insufficient for the point you were making.

If good times were shoe shaped, this would be Nike.

[Super Chrisss]

Dude, I noticed just one inconsistency. At 10:58 you park the car, but at 10:03 you're already in the store? Unless I've been fooled yet again, you made a boo-boo Uncle Joey.

Do you, Skitz, and Hustle have a competition for the funniest next-to-bullshit you can come up with? If so, keep it coming!

[steve bullshit]

For me, the best thing about the original ecw was the raunchy and violent atmosphere and storylines. Edgy stuff is no more in wrestling and I miss it.

The Shane Douglas speech was really funny.

Good job, JOE

[MissouriDragon]

Shopping at Target followed by lunch at the Olive Garden?

Did you buy her tampons and hold her purse while she looked for some tan granny panties too?

Damn son!

[Tony Starx]

Agreed that the Shane speech was awesome. But the line for me was the 'justin credible" line.

[Leonard]

Justin credible, sir. Justin credible. (Of course, I mean the column is great, not referring to the guy. Oh hell, now the desired effect is gone. You get my point.)

--Leonard

[Uncle Joe]

Originally Posted by Box Car Rocco

I thought so Mazza but like, don't be the grinch and ruin Christmas.

The Rock has come back to Target was an amazing line. Had me cracking up. Lynn/RVD owns btw, some of the best matches ever came from them two.

The Rock has something shiny for you. And you can turn it.

Originally Posted by Glacier

Inconsitincies Gohan.

There's no snow in the first picture, and its raining..in the second picture there's snow, but no rain.

Also, Cemetary has an A in it...i think.

Raven was the SHIT in ECW. Any other argument is Blasphemy.

But this was the Shizz as usual.

Whats the punishment for violating parole?

EDIT: scratch the cemetery thing. i looked it up in the dictionary.

Suspend your disbelief dick mouth.

Originally Posted by Hustle

This was probably my favorite Unc Joe column in a long time, and that's saying a lot, seeing as how you always deliver. No homo, I guess.

I'm sure some will complain that there wasn't enough "real" wrestling content, but they probably don't "get" what you were saying. Some of the commentary here just stings. Good stuff.

Fuck RVD. Fuck Jerry Lynn.

The Shane Douglas "acceptance speech" was golden.

Thanks man. Fuck Chris Candido and Sabu too. And Paul Heyman.

Originally Posted by doublehelix

Hahaha, damn.

Agreeing with Hustle, this was your best stuff in a while, and you write lots of good stuff.

Thanks mr Bidwell.

Originally Posted by Freeman

I never used to watch the old ECW, but I did get the Rise and Fall DVD when it came out, and fuck me some of those matches were bad. It seemed as if a lot of them were going to 20-25 minutes with almost nothing significant happening, mostly just going throught the motions. Oh, and fuck Shane Douglas for using a belly to belly suplex as a finisher.

I liked the column though Joe, and the Douglas speech was awesome, great idea. I preferred some of your other columns this month , but this was still great stuff and worth breaking Smark's Court Law for.

YES! Thank you! a belly to belly as a finish? Thats as bad as the sandman using the russian leg sweep as a finish. So fucking dumb.

Originally Posted by JohnnyBoomerang

Apparently I have to be more specific with my feedback, so i found that in section 2, on paragraph one, line 3, word 4, i found that the choice of word was perhaps insufficient for the point you were making.

If good times were shoe shaped, this would be Nike.

Some Foams, some Toki Airs?

Originally Posted by Super Chrisss

Dude, I noticed just one inconsistency. At 10:58 you park the car, but at 10:03 you're already in the store? Unless I've been fooled yet again, you made a boo-boo Uncle Joey.

Do you, Skitz, and Hustle have a competition for the funniest next-to-bullshit you can come up with? If so, keep it coming!

Ha, you noticed it. Wonder if anyone else noticed it. Good job. Like honestly, no sarcasm. and no comp here boya.

Originally Posted by steve bullshit

For me, the best thing about the original ecw was the raunchy and violent atmosphere and storylines. Edgy stuff is no more in wrestling and I miss it.

The Shane Douglas speech was really funny.

Good job, JOE

Thanks, STEVE.

Originally Posted by MissouriDragon

Shopping at Target followed by lunch at the Olive Garden?

Did you buy her tampons and hold her purse while she looked for some tan granny panties too?

Damn son!

*Whips*

Originally Posted by Tony Starx

Agreed that the Shane speech was awesome. But the line for me was the 'justin credible" line.

This is where you leave.

Originally Posted by Leonard

Justin credible, sir. Justin credible. (Of course, I mean the column is great, not referring to the guy. Oh hell, now the desired effect is gone. You get my point.)

--Leonard

Thanks Mr. L.

[Coolio]

Very good column as always, and your humor was spot on as always to. Sorry i don't get to read much of your columns, but the one's i do read i always leave laughing my ass off. So great work as always, and i'll catch you next time.

[The Maz]

Fuck me Joe (not literally), when you broke that order, you sure as hell did it in impressive style. We will discuss that violation tomorrow but as for the column, it was brilliant. It seemed effortless but was clever as hell and a great read and I think on a par with Freeman's facebook shizzle as the best column out this month.

[ReverendG]

Good work Joe, good work. I have to say, the amount of feedback saying "Fuck ECW" or some other variant was quite surprising. I thought I was in the minority, in that I really didn't see the point of the original ECW. Glad I'm not! This was funny, entertaining and enjoyable. And even though I love SmarksCourt, this was worth breaking parole for! Sorry Mazza!
Read you again next time.
Amen.