On Goodness

[doublehelix]

On Goodness

or

My Goodness

or

What Broad Shoulders

or

The Tragedy of Being Not-Great

Main Entry: goodness
Pronunciation: gUd-nes
Function: noun
1. To imply something is good, nice, tight
2. Anything that causes happiness or joy
3 Anything that is good

- Urban's First Dictionary


In modern American usage, the word good has become a pejorative. It implies missed potential, a substandard work ethic (relative to the great ones, you see), a lack of heart, or other speculative character flaws. Being good and being great, the logic goes, both require a lot of work, so everyone who puts in a lot of work may as well be great, and what must those that aren't be doing wrong? Furthermore, the American ideal of independent success, of pulling one up by one's bootstraps, of treating Ayn Rand as a serious intellectual, that your future is in your control and yours alone lead us to also believe your failings are your fault and yours alone. The difference between the good and the great (again, the logic goes) is never a matter of luck and circumstance. It is a matter of heart, of wanting it. If you don't get it, you don't really want it. The logic goes.



Greatness Quality 1? Know Your Body Type
Constructing a superstar look is easier than you think! The secret is your attire selection, playing to your strengths, and hiding those uncomely features that are the wind drag on your speed ship to the top! Are you a hunky Adonis, with tree limbs for legs? Well, then, those tree need TRUNKS! Are you in-shape, but still oddly proportioned--so close to being ugly that you wake up in a cold sweat? You must need someone to hold you TIGHT(S), when that happens! Do you look like a malnourished heroin addict? You'd better throw people off your trail and DRESS NORMALLY!



On the other end of the spectrum, overachieving mediocrities are a national treasure (for proof, just read any baseball column about David Eckstein or Juan Pierre). For some reason, being okay at something when you should suck is more endearing than being good at something when you should be great. And if you're good and shouldn't--couldn't--be great, you're the most contemptible at all. It's an expectations game. Pleasant surprises trump disappointments. If I walk down the street and find twenty dollars, I'm happier than if the guy who owes me a hundo gives me a fifty. Rational mind: +20, +50. Human mind: +20, -50.



Greatness Quality 2? Oral Hygiene
The babe in the front just flashed her tits at you because you're a clever face with a winning smile! The redneck in the back wants to bunch you because you're a smug motherfucker with whites so pearly you could pop them out and make a necklace! You lie in bed and don't feel that awful gross feeling because you brush and floss twice a day! How do you expect to take a bite out of the pie of success without well-maintained chompers? Is your Guy Who Lives in Garbage Gimmick going to take you to the top? No! So up-and-down you go, and remember: it should feel like you're brushing your gums!



If you get pushed, you must capitalize. Failing is a cardinal sin. You must connect with people. You must reward their faith. Your momentum cannot stop. If it does, you'll be forgotten, mocked, even loathed. You failed to live up to your potential. You squandered a gift that many would kill to have. Or, most egregious of all, you never had that potential, and they overestimated you, and they blame you. Like an inadvertent flirt, you gave off the wrong impression. You attracted attention, maybe unwanted, certainly unwarranted. And it didn't pay off. And it's your fault. The logic goes.



Greatness Quality 3? Get Your Groove On
The glass shatters! The car crashes! You've got no chance in hell, but you smell what The Rock is cookin'! He's cooking THEME MUSIC! Picking a memorable soundtrack for your climb to the top is a vital spice in the recipe of glory! The finest track selections have two common traits: they do excellently for cutting off your hated rival, and nobody would ever listen to them in any other context, ensuring you monopolize the mental image a song gives a listener! To test possible tracks, carry a boombox with a mixtape of songs you hate, and play it at inopportune times during a heated political debate. Whichever one most annoys the current speaker/amuses the current listener most is the winner!



Were you a bad promo? A bland worker? A bad worker? Injury-prone? What brought you to this point? What easily-noticed flaw somehow escaped all attention, and made you so hot, and then so hated? Or did you just not have "It", whatever it is? Were you set to make it big at the Rumble, or King of the Ring, or Money in the Bank? Was Mania or SummerSlam supposed to be your big break? In any case, good luck in your future endeavors. The only difference between you and Val Venis is they tried to push you and it didn't work.



Greatness Quality 4? Wrestle the Coat Rack
Flair! Misawa! Kobashi! Benoit! What do they have in common? They could all wrestle inanimate objects in such an exciting way that they could trick experienced observers into thinking they were watching all-time classic matches! Benoit puts the broom in the cross face! Misawa with the tiger driver on the pillow! Flair has the extension cord in the figure-four leg lock! If you think that was exciting, imagine seeing them against things that can fight back, like people or bears! It is a fact; all the historic greats possessed this trait. It is neither absurd nor hyperbolic! It is documented fact! Master this skill, and you will be legendary!



The end.

[Super Chrisss]

I find it amusing how such a simple-looking column can be so complex. Your vocabulary abosultely puts me to shame.

Very well-written and thought-provoking. Your columns really are one of a kind, doublehelix.

So in other words, it was amazing.

[MissouriDragon]

Shocking how many things in life this could be applied to (which means it's very well written).

[Tony Starx]

The last sentence was the best thing I've read in these past two days, and I was on CelebritySmash.com, so kudos to you good sir.

[Freeman]

Every now and then you come up with something that reminds me of how good you are Sir Helix. This managed to be funny, informative and entertaining all at the same time. Excellent column dude, I just wish you'd write more often.

[The Maz]

One word sums this up - Goodness.

[doublehelix]

Super Chrisss - Thanks!

MissouriDragon - Oral hygiene is important to everyone, it's true! Thanks!

Tony Starx - "The end" isn't that great of a sentence but okay! Thanks!

Freeman - I would write more often but then I decide against it! Sorry! Thanks!

Mazza - But that's kind of a bad thing! Didn't you learn anything? Thanks anyway!


Anyone else - Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it!

[XanMan]

This was terrific, helix. You should be proud. Remember Clash of the Champions XXXXVII when Benoit and the broom went to the 45 minute time limit draw? Good times.