Two Dope Boy$ in a Cadillac SPECIAL EDITION: Why You no Watch the ECW?

[MissouriDragon]

Good day all, my name is MissouriDragon. As regular readers of the DB$ know, this is usually the part where myself and the lovely and talented Brilliant talk about how hard we be pimpin’, how good we be smokin’, and how fly the whips we be pushin’ is.

Not today. In fact, I’m not even going to get into character here, because there is serious business to discuss. It has come to my attention that very few of you watch ECW on a regular basis, and in fact some of you go so far as to deride it as a lesser program than Raw or Smackdown. Well sunshine, you couldn’t be more wrong, and I’m not the only one that says so. In fact, I can come up with several people that will disagree with those sentiments, and they’re more than capable of backing up their opinions. Get ready to meet the real Ruthless Roundtable.

We’re going to lead off with a man who is right whilst you are wrong, the ketchup-chuggin’, eagle-chest-hair-sportin’ mod from the True North himself, PEN15.

PEN15: While nothing can compare to the sheer excitement that the general WWE fan exuberates when a TV main event of John Cena vs. HHH is announced, ECW’s main event scene can never be labeled as “stale.” We perhaps may have seen Christian vs. William Regal on Sunday Night Heat in 2001, but right now those two veterans are holding the fort of the broadest and freshest main events on TV today. Somehow, through the magic that is ECW, Christian can team with a 4 month rookie like Yoshi Tatsu, and somehow they can be considered equals. They can pair up William Regal and another relatively new singles superstar in Zack Ryder, and put on a great TV main event that will most likely not be bested on Raw or Smackdown in the same week. And all 4 are credible possibilities to be the face of the Extreme brand.

With what other brand can you say this? Sure CM Punk seems fresh in the Smackdown main events, but he’s still in the middle of ancient golems like Batista and Undertaker. And while Rey vs. Punk would be fresh, we know the WWE won’t even attempt to put the title in that feud just yet. They need a safety net by keeping the grizzled pruny vets in the mix. And don’t even try mentioning “Raw main event” in the same sentence as a word like ‘fresh’.

But on ECW, the vets are fresh, and the rookies are fresher. And everyone benefits. Sure, not as many watch. But on any ECW show or PPV, the ECW title could be up for grabs and it will be impossible to predict who will win. Christian, Regal, Ryder, Tatsu, Benjamin, Dreamer, Kozlov and Ezekiel could all be logical ECW champions at any moment. And then you have a midcard roster of guys just needing a single credible victory to be included in this list, like Goldust, Sheamus, Hurricane, and Paul Burchill. In fact, with the exception of Tyler Reks, the entire ECW roster has been terrifically developed to be in the main event at any point.

And that is why ECW is the best single hour of wrestling every week.

Now if they’d just get those damn Raw Recaps off the actual wrestling show, it would be perfect. Next out the box is the conservative crusher from the Badlands. Huddled masses, I give you the Man from Nowhere.

Man from Nowhere: One only needs to look at the midcard of both brands to see the impact of ECW. Kofi Kingston, Evan Bourne, The Miz, John Morrison, and Jack Swagger. All are in the IC/US title hunt and all of them debuted or re-debuted in ECW. ECW is a place where superstars can debut without fear of being squashed by perennial main eventers like HHH, John Cena, or 'Taker. Instead they are free to wrestle and free to fly (quite literally in Bourne's case) without limitations. Free to become stars.

If that isn't enough to convince you, then we have the tale of Mark Henry. Henry had bounced around WWE for years, treated as a serial midcarder with little or no chance of main eventing. Then he was sent to ECW. Suddenly Henry was an unstoppable monster devastating most of the roster. Then he got paired up with Tony Atlas and improved his promos. Now Henry is back on RAW and is climbing up the upper-midcard with a serious shot at moving to the main event.

Still not enough to convince you? Well then how about the tale of a guy who debuted on ECW and is now one of the top talents on SD, CM Punk. Punk was one of the first new talents to debut on the new ECW. Once there he quickly rose to prominence and was soon carrying the show after the departure of most of the originals. Punk then moved to RAW, won the money in the bank, and then won the brand title. Now he is one of the top talents in the company.

So in short you should be watching ECW because it is the home of up and coming talent. ECW's lack of typical main eventers like HHH allows new talent to flourish and serves as the perfect launching pad. ECW also serves as a re-launching pad helping to re-launch careers like in the cases of Mark Henry, The Miz, and John Morrison. ECW, where new talent thrives and old talent is reborn.

See, while you’ve been frothing at the mouth about these guys like they’re brand new or something, we’ve been enjoying them for quite some time. Your loss.

Bet you never thought you’d see Søren in the CF again, did you? Wrong again, tough guy, ‘cause here he is.

Søren: Apparently, people need convincing to watch the new ECW. This seems odd because, for me, ECW is the one wrestling show of the week that I don't need convincing to watch. Impact, Raw, Superstars, even Smackdown—none of these deliver as consistently as ECW. But I'm actually not even here to tell you about ECW's great booking (well, maybe a little), or even its “anyone can beat anyone at any given time” mentality (which is also great). I'm here, actually, to talk to some of the “haters,” the nonbelievers, the skeptics: the usually jaded (and usually rightfully so) fans of the original ECW; because it seems that some of you have a problem with the Tuesday Night Delight, [WW]ECW. There seems to be some concern that the new ECW doesn't stay true to its predecessor; that it's boring in comparison, watered down. “Where's the blood?” you [stupid fucking] fanatics ask. Like those [stupid fuckers] in the Impact Zone, the concern seems to be on where the tables, blades, chairs, etc., are. Because the table is not the most over character in the new ECW, there seems to be concern that it doesn't stay true to Paul Heyman's vision of ECW. I disagree. Even though the new ECW may not be identical to the original ECW on a superficial level, in spirit I would say they're about as close as you can get. ECW was, and is, about fighting spirit. ECW is about wrestling. ECW is about guys who aren't yet ready for the big leagues but who, through subtle smoke and mirrors, appear to be. ECW is about pushing workhorses (Christian), giving a push to a vet who the fans have decided isn't ready to be put out to pasture (Goldust), and not giving up on a guy who’s never had a proper chance to connect with the audience (Shelton Benjamin). ECW is the only show where a good physique doesn't guarantee you a push (see Tyler Reks). ECW is the only show that is still fun to watch.

I still have no idea how he does that o-with-the-line-through-it thingy, but as you can see from that, Paul Heyman can stick to his blog, because he’s no longer needed in ECW.

CoLD, stretch these niggas out on the sidewalk one time.

CoLD: ECW is my favorite wrestling show on TV, hands down. They give me exactly what I want to see in a wrestling program just about every week. I will go as far as to say ECW is one of the main reasons I rarely watch ROH anymore. Unlike RAW and Smackdown the main focus of ECW is the wrestling and the young stars, which is something the WWE and the wrestling business should focus more on as a whole.

Over the past two years ECW has let their matches do the talking for them. Week in and week out they go out there and constantly put on a good show. On average there is more wrestling done in a hour ECW show compared to the two hour TNA Impact. Now that's saying something. The wrestling and the wrestlers are always the main focus, and not what's going on outside of the ring.

Since ECW has been established the WWE no longer has to throw new and developing talent to the wolves. With ECW they can allow their young talent to work and get experience with WWE sized crowds and at the same time they don't have to be cannon fodder in the process. ECW really gives talent the room to grow and establish themselves as WWE Superstars. Hell I shouldn't even pigeon hole this to the new guys only. Guys like Regal, Finlay, Dreamer, and Goldust have all benefited from it as well. ECW lets the action speak for itself and that's what I like to see.

A wrestling show filled with…wrestling? As Nas once said, imagine that.

Comin’ out swingin’ next is the man who will smack you upside the head with his Nintendo DS if you give him shit about his tonsorial choices at the ROH show, the Hybrid Dolphin himself, OniBarubary.

Oni: Why should you watch ECW?

Put simply, Matt Stryker is the best commentator in the WWE today. One could also argue that he's the best commentator the WWE has ever had, and someone else could argue back but they'd more than likely lose. One ("one" being "I") could even say that Stryker is the best commentator in the world. So what makes Matt Stryker the greatest commentator you will ever see/hear in wrestling? Let's examine (briefly, as Retail Dragon is the Union Jack of this column and will shoot me if I steal his thunder) what makes Stryker "da bomb" as the kids say.

Matt Stryker does everything a commentator is supposed to do right. He is the master of putting over every single person in the match. Even jobbers get a good praising up from Stryker. He'll let you know about their amateur days, how long they've been wrestling on the indies for to hone their craft, nicknames they may have had, etc. Even with the ever so slight heel bent Stryker may show, he puts over heels and faces alike to make each person involved in the match have importance and a stake in it. He makes you know these wrestlers and care. He can continue that path and talk about angles involving those wrestlers, even if it is with someone else in the match, while still keeping it from being an entire discussion about nothing that is happening in the ring like so very many announcers. He gets over ANGLES by himself, without the wrestlers even having to say anything.

Stryker has two big things going for him: knowledge and history. The man, being a former teacher, knows EVERYTHING. And being a charismatic and personable teacher, he can make you listen to it and make it interesting. Seamus is wrestling? Name-drop Cu Chulainn. Tatsu is wrestling? Let the audience know about Korakuen. Christian is wrestling? Inform them on the indoctrination of the Muslim sects in Spain during Charlemagne's reign of bringing Christianity to his empire. He never drones too long on it, he mentions it and it's there and relevant (well, maybe not relevant. Related may be a better word) to the match. And he has his history. In a Federation where the average WWE writer doesn't believe a fan can remember something that happened a full year ago, Stryker is there to consistently remind you of things that even a Wrestling historian has forgotten. And like everything else, he keeps it brief and to the point to let you know that it matters to the match or has some impact on it. Always tasteful and well done.

And perhaps my favorite part, HE KNOWS WRESTLING EXISTS OUTSIDE OF THE WWE!!!! HOLY CRAP!!!! This is unheard of. If you have ever listened to JR stumble his way through remembering what the fuck to call a bodyslam, you'll fall in love as Stryker uses the ACTUAL NAMES OF MOVES. Not everything is a "modified" fuck-and-fuck or whatever. He'll call it by its Japanese name if it's Japanese, Mexican if Mexican, Indy if Indy. The man knows every move. When he yelled out Tiger Driver during a Ryder match, I almost shat myself. And he regularly namedrops Japanese wrestlers if someone is wrestling in a style akin to one. He fucking mentioned Misawa for chrissake.

Stryker has it all. He is an amazing commentator for regular fans and smarks alike. He can do it all, dropping something a smark will mark out for but not confuse a regular fan in the least. It's not all laughing at mentions of things that no one else knows, a little wink wink nudge nudge. It is always related to what he is saying and never distracting.

In my humble opinion, he is the best commentator I have ever heard. And this is going back to the 80s when I first started watching wrestling. He puts over wrestling, not himself. He's not JR or Lawler, and thank fucking god for that.

Amen to that, Stryker could call a backgammon tournament and I’d be fascinated.

I guess I’ve got next, and for mine, ECW is one man, and that man is William Regal (I’ll keep it short, Vikodin). He is head and shoulders above anybody in the WWE in all facets, right down to attire. A proper heel comes out in a suit, because the people in the audience are blue collar types whose normal experiences with people in suits tends to consist of audits, disciplinary action at the workplace, and mandatory minimum sentences, thus they are predisposed to hate them. Flair knew it. Tully knew it. Rude knew it. Regal has been doing it for the majority of his career. He can get more heat by straightening his tie and making a face like he just smelled something nasty than Randy Orton can get with a thousand punts. He can also make a forearm shot look like a train collision, and his knee trembler is every bit as devastating in appearance as the Big Show’s KO punch. His interactions with Tiffany have done something that I wouldn’t believe possible, and that is elevate her acting abilities far above their actual level, which is somewhere between a 6th grade rendition of The Sound and the Fury and a Max Hardcore flick. Need a GM for the night or a manager for a silent stable? Look no further. He loses a lot more than he wins, and yet nobody (mark or smark) would doubt for a split second that he could walk out of any match that he enters with the duke. THAT’S credibility, folks. And finally, my favorite thing about Regal is his ability to make any face that he wrestles look like Brian Pillman in ’89. Why is Yoshi Tatsu the number one contender for the title and so over this soon in his career? Because Regal beat him into the hearts of the fans, that’s why. He’s by far my favorite wrestler in the WWE, and he should be yours too.

A’ight, that’ll just about wrap this one up. Here’s the overall point-if you are a fan of the professional wrasslin’, you owe it to yourself to watch ECW. Besides, who’s out pimpin’ hos and slammin’ Cadillac do’s on a Tuesday night? There’s like 3 bars in my whole town that are even open on-

*A 1973 El Dorado, money green with the whitewalls, squeals up unexpectedly with a familiar face at the wheel*

Sir Lucious Left Foot: I be pimpin’ on Tuesday mornings, bitch. The fuck is this, One Dope Boy in a Cadillac? The fuck we be doin’ with all these whiteboys up in the spot, we get arrested for fuckin’ securities fraud again? I told you not to open any mail from Bernie Madoff. Motherfuckas don’t know about ECW yet? Once again you’ve all failed to heed our sage advice.

Simple really, I can answer with one word. Diversity.

A kaleidoscope of stereotypes awash over this SyFy ratings juggernaut.

Black guys who wanna be white. Crazy old black dudes. Bimbo blondes. Kick assing Asians. Dorky comic book nerds. Amazingly Caucasian Celts. Enviously-Athletically gifted black guys. Old white trannys who wear wigs. Orange skinned douchebags with new haircuts. Losers with HOT sisters. Russian bears. Swoll negroes. British Gentlemen. Fucking Canadians.

Gimmicks galore garnish this gamut. For ECW is not bland in the least. Tyler Reks has more of a character then Ted DiBiase Jr and all he does is lose the ECW match on Superstars. In fact, they’ve even got a black ref, and he’s the best in the WWE! Vhat a country!

Additionally, if none of the above reasons can persuade you, then perhaps a Miss Rosa Mendes can try.



Heh, y'all niggas knew I wasn't doing a Dope Boy$ joint without Sir Lucious. A'ight, if you're still here, you should have pretty much no leg to stand on in a "new ECW is the suck" argument. You've read it, now live by it.

Laters.

[Tony Starx]

Fantastic. Seriously, all the way around, fantastic.

[Hustle]

Been waiting on this for a while. Too long, as a matter of fact. Glad to see that it finally hit the streets, and glad x2 that Sir Lucious was along for the ride.

As far as Stryker goes, I'll say this.. the one (small) gripe about him and Grisham is that they, quite often, go several seconds during matches without saying a single thing. It's not terrible, just considerably different than the norm and does require some getting used to.

All in all, there's nothing to argue about in this column. Everybody came correct with their points. Gonna be fun to see if the doubters, do-badders, and diabolical haters actually show face now.

Really good stuff here.

[Super Chrisss]

I'm waiting for Cena to lose to Orton on Sunday, and go to ECW. He will not only be the ECW Champion within a month, he will kill and bury 99% of the roster's credibility (with the unscathed 1% being Zack Ryder of course).

Don't say it won't happen.

[BeyondKnight]

Boy$,


As always, your forays into the CF always deliver. I don't get SyFy in my cable package but will often try and catch a replay on the Universal HD channel on Saturdays. ECW is a great show in it's format and it's execution and it terms of a lead in (Heat, Velocity, ect) is the best there has ever been.

People that long for Heyman's ECW need to understand that times change.

[MyLeeCyrus]

That... that was fucking brilliant. Colour me mightily impressed and have several gold stars, squires

[UNCfan]

It's about time people who watch ECW let others know what's up. It's the best show all around and even has more wrestling then a two hour impact does half the time. Thank you for letting others know.

[JoeyShinobi]

Two things to take from this;

ECW isn't so much the C show as something else WWE offers, and by all accounts, it's worth a watch.

Also, the fact that none of the contributors are regular columnists highlights a shortcoming in some of the more regular columnists. That isn't meant to be a condescending comment towards the authors; rather, an observation about how so-called columnists are comparatively poor at structuring persuasive arguments.

Great work, gentlemen, it's nice to see Soren back in the CF even if it's just a fleeting visit. The Dope Boy$ always help to raise the standard - hopefully, you'll all drop by again soon.

[Martin Riggs]

This shit was tight.

[T.O.]

More Rosa, please.

[The Maz]

Me amongst others were a little disappointed with your last outing. Despite not being too involved in this it was a really good column. I actually watched ECW for the first time in ages this week and I have to say, it was a really fun show. From a limited view, I like the look of both Tatsu and Sheamus. Also, thanks for that slight Soren appearance, it bought on a no-homo generated hard-on.

Strong outing but would love to see more of the Dope Boy$ next time out.

EDIT: BTW, I love the ECW ring announcer chick.

[Zuma]

Excellent work. Good choices on your special guests.

Thanks for taking the time out, Gents.

[Leonard]

Wonderful. Just wonderful.

ECW is the only wrestling show that I make sure I watch nowadays. All points are valid, and should get a few more people around here watching. Great work here.

--Leonard

[MissouriDragon]

...but I can't, because I didn't write even a quarter of it. In essence, what I did here was ask some of the people who regularly post in the live ECW thread to "write me about 300 words covering some aspect of ECW you like". What they gave me back was the gold you read in this column. Big thanks to all contributors, you guys really made this thing shine.

Backfeed:

Ironman: Thanks a bunch, glad you liked it.

Hustle: I wouldn't try to argue with this column; too many irrefutable points were made. That would be like trying to come up with a reason that pot should still be illegal-it would just make you look like a delusional idiot. Thanks for your continued readership.

Super Chriss: *cracks knuckles* I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

BK: ECW is available on the Hulus, it's a week behind. Glad you dug it.

MyLee: The gold stars shall reside in a place of honor atop the mantle. Thank ya very much.

UNCFan: You're a regular in the live ECW thread, so you already know what's good. We shall endeavor to spread the word far and wide. Thanks for reading.

Shinobi: Why, whatever do you mean, sir?

J-Boom: Thankee sir.

T.O.: If we had more, you'd get it, I could watch her walk down to the ring all day.

Mazza: This was intended to be a collabo from Jump Street, next one will be DB$-intensive. Thanks for reading.

Zuma420: We got some work for you, coming soon.

Leonard: Couldn't agree more-ECW is the only must-watch wrestling show currently going. Glad you liked it.

I hope we got some more people to watch ECW right now, you never know when it's going to change into, well, what Smackdown is right now. At this exact moment though, it's the best wrestling available on your television. Thanks to everyone.

[CoLD]

Start watching TODAY you fucks.

[OniBarubary]

As an unbiased outsider, I can say that this column was quite good. Matt Stryker is better than you. That is all.

[Dr. CMV1]

Yeah, I pulled this one back from late last month...

Excellent column. I watched ECW this week for the first time in months. It's a good hour of TV.

'Tis a shame that Dusty Rhodes isn't the writer for Raw

[XanMan]

This was a terrific column and exactly why I should ignore RAW and only watch ECW, Impact!, and whatever ROH and PWG I can get my hands on. Thanks, bros.

[CoLD]

A sequel may be in order.

[MissouriDragon]

Perhaps.

We got something in the kitchen right now, metaphorically speaking.

Wow, 900+ views. You see that, Tito?

This column seems to have gained ECW one new viewer (Dr. CMV1), thus it is a success.