The Boomerang Prophecies XXXVII: Straight Up

[Martin Riggs]

THE BOOMERANG PROPHECIES XXXVII: STRAIGHT UP

Some of you probably wonder why I don’t really care for wrestling anymore. Others of you don’t actually care, but then this column isn’t for you. And I mean that, all I’m going to do is speak my mind and about me and what happened. If you don’t wanna hear that then you should really leave. For those of you who’ve been good enough to stay, thank you. First off I have to apologise (because that’s what I do too much) because this isn’t going to be your run-of-the-mill Boomerang Prophecies. Yet even as I type that, I struggle to define what a ‘standard’ column of mine is. I’m gonna take that as a good thing, by the way.


Wow, one paragraph in and it already feels like I’m trying to force a serious tone. The fuck is wrong with me? Okay, let’s take it from there, but with less boring.


If I was to say that I liked Candice Michelle, that’d be a bit of an understatement. And by a bit, I mean ‘holy fucking shit, the moon is made out of spare tennis balls’. Before you panic, and I know a few of you rolled your eyes, this is not a column about my love of Candice (lookin’ out, Joe), but rather my lack of it. It’s not that I don’t love her, it’s that I have no access to love her. She ain’t on the tele, know what I mean? Look, it’s like this: I will claim to have a top 5 favourite wrestlers, but really, the top two are in a league of their own. The other three are people I like, superstars I can relate to or enjoy watching, but they’re not in the ‘love’ category that really defines a favourite superstar. My wrestling life, for a good period of time, was all about Edge and Candice.


I do mean ‘all about’, by the way. Obsession isn’t the right word, but a lot of the symptoms were there. And it’s not even like I can describe it, either. I just felt complete when I was ‘with’ them. I could dress it up, spin some fancy metaphors and divulge into elaborate detail, but frankly, if you haven’t got the idea by now, you’re not likely to. I less-than-three’d them, so to speak. So anyway, back to my angst. Candice got fired. I wrote some columns about this, if you haven’t, go read them. They were gold. She left, and then, within the next few months, Edge went down with an injury. Now, truth be told, these incidents weren’t that close to one another, but they were close enough. Losing Candice hurt, because I knew she was gone for good, and was just getting ready for her return (hopefully a triumphant one this time…) when she was released. When Edge dropped with a severe injury, it felt like someone had stuck a knife in my back, and was using it to trace all the veins in my body.


As you saw, when Candice went I wanted to scream, I wanted to shout, I wanted to cry. But when Edge went, I didn’t want to do any of those things. I felt numb. It wasn’t that I didn’t care, it’s that I cared too much about not being hurt again. I couldn’t understand how I could continue being a fan if the only people I truly loved had been taken from me. And I know, it’s only wrestling, I’m being too serious, but in my opinion there’s no point enjoying something if you’re not going to fully commit to it. And I mean heart and soul investment. Which is what I did, and it burned me. Stupid me, huh? ‘Don’t put all your eggs in one basket’, as the saying goes. Well I say, ‘pick one basket and enjoy the fuck out of it, eggs be damned’. You know what the worst part about the Olympics is? I know I’ll sit through a shitload of sports I could give less of a fuck about, just to watch the ones that really mean something to me. Like, I’ll be drawn in, and spend a whole day watching shotput and discus in some weird kind of trance. And I’ll enjoy it, or at least parts of it, but this will go on for a few days before I finally get to the sport everyone loves to watch: Table Tennis. Motherfuckin’ ping-pong, which is just so insanely awesome that it’s addictive. And you know what? That’s what WWE is like. You sit through a load of shit, just for that one ray of light that makes your fuckin’ day. And I’d do it every week, because that’s what being a fan is all about: being there through thick and thin. But what if I watch the Olympics next time, only to find out, on the day, that Table Tennis has been declassified as an Olympic Sport, and they aren’t doing it? Suddenly my whole purpose in watching has evaporated. And without purpose, life can be frustrating, dull, annoying, boring and awful.


You see, Edge and Candice were my purpose. I enjoyed the product in its entirety, lamenting some of it, praising others, but it was all down to those few precious moments I got with my two. And that’s why I’m no longer interested. I’m hoping that when Edge makes his return, I’ll recover, and that spark which was once there will return. I’m hoping that when Edge makes his return, one will be enough. I’m hoping that when Edge makes his return, so will I.


I hope this made sense, and wasn’t to confusing, facetious or hypocritical. And don’t take this too negatively, either. This was never meant to be a sobering, depressing column. I just wanted to write, and fully realised the extent of my discontent. So chin up, there’s plenty of time left in the game!


You know, I'm looking at this in the preview section, and it's looking a bit short, so i say to myself 'why not spice it up with a picture, or beef up some of the paragraphs?' and then i realise that I don't need to. Yeah, this is short, but it's sweet, and it's what I have to say. Maybe next time, if I try something wacky or absurd, then we'll get a 'fuller' looking column. But for now, just like Babe, that'll do. As always (which is a bit of a redundant statement, but let’s roll with it) I’m Johnny Boomerang. Peace.

[Uncle Joe]

Last paragraph = shot at me? Fuck mouth.


Have you seen pics of Candice when she was released? She looked AWFUL, and if she didn't give a fuck enough to look presentable for me, then I stopped giving a fuck about her and her life. Her gut was hanging over her tights, fat was poking out the sides on her spandex, and she just looked like she really, truly didn't wanna be there.



Edge sucks dick, because he's always hurt and he's just garbage. You need to stop looking for love in the wrong places. I'd recommend Christian, or Ezekial Jackson. As for the bitches, Eve Torres is there for the taking.

[T.O.]

Hands off Eve. Bitch is mine.

As is Rosa, but we talked about that already.

[Martin Riggs]

Shot at you? Fuck, i wish. Actually yeah, let's pretend i meant to do that

I don't even wanna hear it. It's like Elvis fans, they don't remember him when he was fat and died on the toilet... Ignorance works, in this case.

Edge sucks MY dick, so it's all good. I didn't look for love, he just ripped Flair, Fucked over Cena, won a title in an unexpected way and pretended to fuck Lita on Raw in like one week.

Eve Torres is smokin, no doubt. But fuck it, i'd take Kelly. Although she was gettin pounded by a steroid-charged Test on a nightly basis, so there ain't gonna be that much traction...

[Uncle Joe]

Oh yeah? Well...



You put 'i' when you meant "I" in your last paragraph. Take that.

[Martin Riggs]

Motherfuck. You kill me, Joe.

[Uncle Joe]

I tried but then we ended up hosting Idol.

[T.O.]

Just stay away from Maria. Ho looks like she's been through all three locker rooms by now.

[cicero]

This sounded like you were alluding to a romantic relationship gone sour, and when I say that it is to imply both that; a) it was very good, and, b) said allusion was the real purpose behind this piece.

That being said the Olympic (sized) comparison fell flat for me; too many unaswered questions about over-exposure and the inimitable nature of the event. Of course, as always, I'm being far too anal about it, but, you know, whatever; that's just my opinion.



By the way, I still have to cry myself to sleep at night after you refused promotion. It's just not the same without you... (me have sad face now)

[T.O.]

^ Biter.

[cicero]

^ Bitter

[T.O.]

Need more pillows?

[cicero]

I already have a nice pair I can bury my face in.


Thanks for the offer though.

[T.O.]

I recommend a local gym.

[cicero]

Nice. I fucked up there. Good fun.

[Martin Riggs]

confused.

You 'fucked-up' there?

OR

you fucked, up there?

And yeah, should've/could've elaborated more, it was a passing thought i ran with and then decided to explain, but then kind of left it. Romance, Religion, Career, yeah. It alludes all over the shop

[T.O.]

You didn't feel the Earth rumble under your feet?

[cicero]

In my little tit-tat with TO, poor choice of words when I said "I already have", should have elaboarted more on the existence of a chick at the end of those fun bags.



edit- you do remember sex don't you T.O? You know, that fun thing to do.

[T.O.]

Damn, you breast feed her?

[Glacier]

good column, it was short, but you got your point across sufficiently enough that length didnt matter. dont make a habit of it, or you'll end up like Uncle Joe.

does anyone have dibs on Maryse and Mickie? if not, i got them.

[FutureDonkey]

Glacier, you feel free to take Maryse, but don't touch Mickie James. I've had dibs on that hoe since I first saw her jam her toungue down Trish Stratus' throat.


I'll give JB some sexy feedback tomorrow. Be patient, my little British man.

[Benjamin Button]

I like short columns and I liked this. When you relate your distress over the wrestling besiness with life in general, your words stick with me.

Suddenly my whole purpose in watching has evaporated. And without purpose, life can be frustrating, dull, annoying, boring and awful.

So very true.

[JoeyShinobi]

Originally Posted by Glacier

does anyone have dibs on Maryse and Mickie? if not, i got them.

I called shotgun on Maryse a loooong time ago.

JB, I miss you man. Do this more often.

[Kano]

You guys take who you want

But I'm totally banging Melina and Natayla at the same time

That'd be hot

[FutureDonkey]

Yeah, take Melina and Natalya if you want, man; Melina's a butterface with STD's and Natalya has a shorter dick than Beth Phoenix--have fun.

Originally Posted by JohnnyBoomerang

You know what the worst part about the Olympics is? I know I’ll sit through a shitload of sports I could give less of a fuck about, just to watch the ones that really mean something to me. Like, I’ll be drawn in, and spend a whole day watching shotput and discus in some weird kind of trance. And I’ll enjoy it, or at least parts of it, but this will go on for a few days before I finally get to the sport everyone loves to watch: Table Tennis. Motherfuckin’ ping-pong, which is just so insanely awesome that it’s addictive. And you know what? That’s what WWE is like. You sit through a load of shit, just for that one ray of light that makes your fuckin’ day. And I’d do it every week, because that’s what being a fan is all about: being there through thick and thin. But what if I watch the Olympics next time, only to find out, on the day, that Table Tennis has been declassified as an Olympic Sport, and they aren’t doing it? Suddenly my whole purpose in watching has evaporated. And without purpose, life can be frustrating, dull, annoying, boring and awful.

For me, this was what stuck out the most, as it was a great analogy for two columns that me and Joe put out within a day of each other. In his, he talked about his mark out moment of seeing The Miz win the US Championship; in mine, I talked about Shawn Michaels having the talent to make me do something I haven't done in forever--want JeriShow's faces get kicked in, and, more importantly, see the face prevail. Both were different subjects, but they both told the same story. Me and him had one of those moments when being a wrestling fan is great and we see once again why we are fans, just like seeing Candice and seeing Edge made you love wrestling.


So I get what you're feeling here, man. I know that if I never had those special moments, I couldn't maintain my fandom much longer. That being said, I feel ya man, and I want Edge to return more than ever.

[Super Chrisss]

So Melina, Maryse, Mickie, and Eve are already taken? WTF guys? I thoughts we were a family! And families share you know! Like, we give the unwanted leftovers to guys like Uncle Joe.

Another great column from the heart JB. I wouldn't have minded it lasting another heartbeat or two but I'm not the boss, so whatever.

R.I.P. Candice

[Martin Riggs]

She's not dead, Spanky, she's just gone away for a while...

[Super Chrisss]

Say what you want, man. I've accepted it. Maybe you will too someday...

[Tony Starx]

Edge never changes his moveset, as he basically has a face moveset, but I guess him fucking Lita was all that he needed. I really liked this dude. Great job.