The Eulogy

[Uncle Joe]

I still remember the date; it was October 21st, of the year 2000. I had gotten a call from Matthew that big Rodney had died, and I was stricken with a bit of confusion over what I was feeling. He wasn't someone who had any sort of major role in my life, but he was there, in my neighborhood.




We had our ups and downs; when I first met him, he was some cocky motherfucker who everyone hated, but had to respect him because of his size. He walked around like he owned the joint, which he sort of did for a little while. He would always get into fights with the guys that were most beloved in our neighborhood, and mostly came out on top. He beat up Mark over some gold chains or some shit, and then Mark hit the gym and tried to fight Rodney once more. Big Rod knew he wasn't going to be able to fuck with Mark in his own yard, so he got a few guys who had their scuffles with Mark in the past, and basically jumped this guy to death.




Someone took his gold, and he went away for a bit, seemingly to strategize and plot. He found out that this dude named Bret had his gold, and we all figured that was the end of that. See, Bret came from a big fucking family, one who's been on the block since we could all remember. They were loved by a lot of the families, as a nice, closely knit blue collar family. But Rodney didn't give two fucks, and went up to Bret and took his gold back. Out of nowhere, some guy named Terry came and fucked Rodney up something fierce; it was pretty humiliating too.




He tried to be the big bad bully on the block, but getting his ass beat so easily by Terry that no one took him seriously anymore. He had tried picking on some of the smaller guys, but they would just pop him in the mouth and take care of his big ass. He then hooked up with an old acquaintance, Owen James; O.J. for short. Him and O.J. actually went around and caused a bit of havoc for a good while, taking gold from these two homosexuals Michael and Monty. They were fucking shit up for a little while, until Mike H. and Steve came and fucked them up and took their gold. Rodney would never recover from it, and the faded into obscurity.




Rodney happened to be a wrestler who went by the name of Yokozuna. Billed at 641 lbs. (he weighed much more at one point) from Japan (actually from San Francisco, with Samoan ancestry), he was the Samoan equivalent to Andre the Giant. He was a spectacle due to his enormous size; was extremely agile for someone who weighed over 500 lbs.; and dominated the roster as much as Andre did, although nowhere near as long. Looking back on his matches, while they were never 'great' or even 'good', he was more than effective considering the time period in which he wrestled in.




Back to that day, Matthew told me that Rodney had died while staying over in England, as he was doing his thing on the indy circuit over there. I asked what the cause of death was, and I was shocked to find out that it wasn't due to a heart attack, but to an accidental shooting that took place while hunting. Just kidding, it was cause of a heart attack. The family wanted me over to morn, and share condolences. Actually, they wanted me to deliver his eulogy at the funeral. I accepted due to my respect for the family, but I didn't know what to say. I pondered for two days as I wondered what in the hell I was going to say that wouldn't piss off a family of brick houses.




I was walking around the parlor, walking into a few of the members of the family.





Hey Dwyane, how are you?

The Rock says that nobody, er, I mean nobody is more excited to see you here than me.

Yeah man, how have you been?

The Roc-- er, I been laying the smackdown on the candy of the asses, er I mean I''ve been fine Joe. And yourself?

Just hangin' and bangin'.

What in THEE blue hell did you just say to The Roc-- er, that sounds great man.

It sucks that Rodney died. I can't believe he got so big though.

I can't either, Joe. He's been smelling what the Rock was cooking, and had too many strudels.

So he died of massive heart failure, right? What was his weight at the time of death?

Million and MILLIONS of lbs. overweight.

It was great catching up with you D, good luck with the Hollywood thing man.

I still love wrestling.






I walked around a bit, not too sure of what I could say, when I ran into Afa. He was always mentioned as the wisest in the family, so I figured he might impart some of that wisdom onto me.




Hey Afa, I'm sorry we couldn't meet under better circumstances, but it is good to see you again. I have something I'd like to ask you. I am honored, believe me I am, to be here and I am touched that out of everyone you guys could think of, you chose me to deliver his eulogy. But what do I say? I was cool with Rodney, but we were more like associates instead of friends. I want to do this man justice, and I am also terrified that you guys will all collectively sit on my chest and squeeze the soul out of my body. I have been told many stories of ow your wisdom got many people out of trouble and steered them in the right direction. So what I'm trying to say is; well, what do I say?



*Clicks tongue several times. Makes circles with his eyes and then proceeds to click some more. He then devours an entire pineapple, and impales a hummingbird on one of the shish ka bobs from the platter. He then throws a ceremonial spear, removes a decapitated head of one of his rivals from another tribe, places it in a boiling pot. Shrinks the head and then scatters flower petals over the head. Finally, he clicks some more.*
(Joe, you must do what you feel in your heart is right. Your mind may be deceived by trickery, but your heart will never steer you wrong. I am positive you will do what you feel is right Joseph.)

What? Never mind, I'm going to go outside for a smoke.

I don't know what clicked, but something did, and then I knew what I had to do.



I stood at the podium, clicked the bell and had all of their attention.

I didn't know what to say just as long as 5 minutes ago, but now I know what to say; this comes from the heart. You know Yoko, for years as a child, I swore you were a woman. The big ass, the long hair, the DD titties, you had everything a woman would and should. Yeah, you could have stood to lose a few pounds, but hey, people love them some BBW. When you made your entrance, I thought Mr. Fuji was simply your husband, and part time pimp. But more importantly, I was stoked because I thought that the WWF was going to start parading more topless women, and I had you to thank for that. Then I found out you were a man, and I at that point, I hated you. Fuck you Yokozuna; phony sumo and Dream Crusher.

Long live Yoko

.

[Glacier]

this was so good that i hate you for it. great analogy taking the wwf from the old days and turning it into a big neighborhood, which is essentially what it is when you think about.

keep it up Gohan.

[Roger Murtaugh]

Dude.....that was off the fucking charts. This is the epitome of the type of creativity that should go into a column, well played.



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Now playing: Horse The Band - Golden Mummy Golden Bird
via FoxyTunes

[Benjamin Button]

I haven't been able to keep up with all your columns, Joe, but I think I read the right one, here. You are an outstanding writer. What an intriguing story! What an excellent ending!

[FutureDonkey]

Jesus Fucking Christ!


I shall add more later.


EDIT: I like what you did here, Joe. You and The Rock are the shit together! How much did you pay him to join you? (Don't disappoint me and say you payed him in blowjobs.) I wish I could say something a little more profound, but all I can say is that a mere mortal man would have to get high to write this shit.


Thank you for making me ejaculate at the thought of Puerto Ricans in your neighborhood being named "Rodney."

[Martin Riggs]

Good stuff Joe. One or two typos but fuck it, nothing that held the product back.

[Tony Starx]

lol@Millions and MILLIONS of lbs.overweight. Quite a fitting tribute.

[SIMS]

Man you just keep banging out hits left, right and centre. If you keep this up it'l just be amazing.

Another great, different column that stood out again.

Nice job.

[Uncle Joe]

Originally Posted by Glacier

this was so good that i hate you for it. great analogy taking the wwf from the old days and turning it into a big neighborhood, which is essentially what it is when you think about.

keep it up Gohan.

Thanks dude, good to see you hate me. Queer.

Originally Posted by Doc Monk

Dude.....that was off the fucking charts. This is the epitome of the type of creativity that should go into a column, well played.



----------------
Now playing: Horse The Band - Golden Mummy Golden Bird
via FoxyTunes

Damn dude, that's the biggest compliment I've gotten on here, no shit. Thanks man.

Originally Posted by Benjamin Button

I haven't been able to keep up with all your columns, Joe, but I think I read the right one, here. You are an outstanding writer. What an intriguing story! What an excellent ending!

I am forever grateful to be in your graces Mr. Button.

Originally Posted by FutureDonkey

Jesus Fucking Christ!


I shall add more later.


EDIT: I like what you did here, Joe. You and The Rock are the shit together! How much did you pay him to join you? (Don't disappoint me and say you payed him in blowjobs.) I wish I could say something a little more profound, but all I can say is that a mere mortal man would have to get high to write this shit.


Thank you for making me ejaculate at the thought of Puerto Ricans in your neighborhood being named "Rodney."

No but I know a few blacks named Ashley, Sasha and Navarrone. Yes, Navarrone.

Originally Posted by JohnnyBoomerang

Good stuff Joe. One or two typos but fuck it, nothing that held the product back.

Originally Posted by Tony Starx

lol@Millions and MILLIONS of lbs.overweight. Quite a fitting tribute.

I hate you and your puns.

Originally Posted by SIMS

Man you just keep banging out hits left, right and centre. If you keep this up it'l just be amazing.

Another great, different column that stood out again.

Nice job.

Thanks man, I'm gla you liked.




Hm, this went much better than I'd thought it would. Thanks all.

[Super Chrisss]

Good to see you bounce back so beautifully after your last column which kind of sucked (by your standards, that is). Like Glacier said, a great analogy, and cleverly written.

Your creativity never fails to amaze me Joe and I wish you had a full-time job as a reality-TV show host. THAT would be awesome!

[Anthrax]

God, do I hate you...

[Freeman]

Much better Joe. Great analogy and a welcome break to your "Art of" shizzle. I laughed like hell at the eulogy at the end. Great stuff, now it's on to your latest column for me!

[Prince-Jigsaw]

Wow, I feel like I'm in a better mood after reading this. What a great column, can't wait to read all of future columns.

[Joe for main page?]

[\_/+\_/] <---- I give you one whole crown for this! (Think of it as the best gold star you've ever gotten.)

[XanMan]

I don't know what to say, Joe. I'm completely blown away.

[Box Car Rocco]

Thanks Xan for bumping this up as I seemed to have missed this. I didn't get it until the feedback but reading it again, it was amazing.

[Uncle Joe]

Originally Posted by Super Chrisss

Good to see you bounce back so beautifully after your last column which kind of sucked (by your standards, that is). Like Glacier said, a great analogy, and cleverly written.

Your creativity never fails to amaze me Joe and I wish you had a full-time job as a reality-TV show host. THAT would be awesome!

Good to uh be back, I think. You've already seen my TV show; *INSERT PORN SHOW HERE*

Originally Posted by Anthrax

God, do I hate you...

Sit and spin goldie bear.

Originally Posted by Freeman

Much better Joe. Great analogy and a welcome break to your "Art of" shizzle. I laughed like hell at the eulogy at the end. Great stuff, now it's on to your latest column for me!

Yoko is rolling over in his grave. Three days later after he finally did his first spin, he said fuck it and gave me a Samoan curse.

Originally Posted by Prince-Jigsaw

Wow, I feel like I'm in a better mood after reading this. What a great column, can't wait to read all of future columns.

[Joe for main page?]

[\_/+\_/] <---- I give you one whole crown for this! (Think of it as the best gold star you've ever gotten.)

Yay, I usually get crowns when I go to Burger King.

Originally Posted by XanMan

I don't know what to say, Joe. I'm completely blown away.

Is that bad?

Thanks Xan for bumping this up as I seemed to have missed this. I didn't get it until the feedback but reading it again, it was amazing.

Awwww