The Failed Parachute 3 : Rank Raw and Bankrupt Mid Card

[The Failed Parachute]

The Failed Parachute 3 : Rank Raw and Bankrupt Mid Card



Oi Oi Saveloy’s

Just like Street Fighter movies I’m back and no doubt to the same kind of reception, but alas I welcome you to another installment of The Failed Parachute. After I broke free of the clutches of my all seeing handler Ricton McSpeedywicket to bring you the last edition, he has punished me by subtly editing out all my coarse language.

Before I vent my frustrations id like to answer some more questions I have received.

Q: If I kissed you would you turn into a prince?

A: This is a common misconception, if you were to kiss me I would actually transform into Prince, the squeaky voiced 80s pop icon



Q: Do you understand proper grammar?

A: Flip off you melon ,


keep them coming

One more thing – I strongly suggest reading my previous columns or all that will follow will not seem wondrous…………..i kid but I may come across a wee bit mean in this but my other columns kind of level it out and explain a few things as well.

Money in the Bank


Ok, I hope I'm not going to cause a debate when I say without a doubt Wrestlemania 17 was by far the best Wrestlemania in recent years. One of the reasons I loved the event was the all round feel. Every title the WWE had to offer was defended in one night with room for grudge matches and the odd novelty thrown in to. I am defiantly not going to say Wrestlemania has gone downhill ever since this event as that’s simply not true, the event has grown in stature and legacy as it’s gone on.





Wrestlemania 25 will see the 4th Money in the Bank ladder match, a match where 6 – 8 performers pull out the stops to put on a hell of a ladder match. It’s a good idea and has had great results – Edge becoming the Rated R superstar – RVD getting a big push (gloss over some stuff after this) and CM Punk getting a World Title (Kennedy’s win really did nothing lets face it). However this new yearly tradition has some draw backs in my book.

• Mid Card talent is used up in one match. The last time the Intercontinental championship was defended at a Wrestlemania was over 5 years ago at X8. I am sure I’m not the only one who would love to see a few more mid card matches at Wrestlemania , IC title matches US, Tag they add a variety and spice. You can’t have these types of matches now with MITB on the card using up the mid card champions and serious title contenders.

• Having it every year always put a strain on the ladder match in general trying to make it fresh and exiting.

• The winner has to be over enough with fans to be pushed to the World Title; coming into this year I don’t know who can win. I would personally of built Ted Dibiase up a bit more have him win Money in the Bank and have a little run with Orton over the belt and legacy.

I’m a huge fan of money in the bank, its always one of my favorite matches on the cards it has been on but, I just think it's in danger of becoming stale over a long period and forces the Wrestlemania card to be dominated by the upper card elite. I would suggest maybe holding it Bi-annually or why not shake it up and have different types of matches other than ladder – 6 man Hell in a Cell , Battle Royal ,Gauntlet even (like the cruiserweight match at mania 20).

Oh Raw Raw Raw, it continued it’s downward turn this week with an ending segment that was plain funny and stupid more on that later. Upon watching RAW I, the frog, made the following observations

• When will WWE learn that BIG MONSTER gimmicks don’t work anymore? The Mike Knox character has fewer legs than Zach Gowen. I can see him being around for a while but he won’t get over as he is. Oh and Jamie Noble needs “Superstars” to be a big success or for the Cruiserweight Championship to come back ………………..yeah both have about the same chance of happening.



• Jericho and Steamboat was the best segment of the night, it played perfectly into Jericho’s persona and Steamboats performance was perfect. I was crossing my fingers just hoping I wouldn't hear the opening bars of Voodoo Chile when Steamboat went down; it’s still up in the air where all this legend bashing is going. Who will Jericho face at Wrestlemania? There’s no one on the roster I can see at this point, and I really don’t want to see him against Hogan or Austin and DEFINATLY not Mickey Rourke. Anyone got any suggestions because I’m stumped.



I can dream

• Ok the last segment was awful, awful and then some. First, earlier with legacy was Cody Rhodes sporting a nose stud??! because he would officially be less threatening than Charlie Hass if so. I’m bias but I hated the segment start to finish, it made Orton look weak, Triple H look like an unstoppable machine grrr just sucked. Also at one point Orton threw fruit at the game…..oranges the only way to stop Triple H “Oh damn Randy I got citric acid in my eye” RKO BANG 1 2 3 ..That’s a great ending there. The whole chase thing was just bad , watch it again turn the sound down at put the Scooby Doo theme on

• So with “the chase” ending RAW our official main event was Cena Vs Chavo, who in my last column was commended for looking like a good US title challenger. At least have Edge or Show interfere this was just bad for Smackdown.

• Speaking of Smackdown I have no problem with Vicki Guerrero being GM but she’s GM of both shows now? The segment with Cena at the start was all what Cena's about - serious – serious – few jokes – funny faces – I NEVER BACK DOWN …there I summed up every John Cena promo right there folks.

• I said in my last column I didn’t know what brand Miz and Morrison was on I looked it up there on ECW ……..news to me. Well CM Punk is IC champ and I guess keeping in with tradition put him in Money in the bank. The triple threat match was match of the night (not saying a lot, if they lasted more than 2 minutes they would of won that) and CM Punk finds himself back where he was last year. I don’t see Punk winning it again I mean they gave him it last year he shocked us fans won the WHC …never lost it but was involved in a salty angle and hasn’t been in the title picture ever since. Morrison was awesome in last years money in the bank shame not to see him again but I’m really holding out to see if Evan Bourne can shoe his way in it.




• Kofi, Rey, Kane?? BAH

• Give Santino a mic or a chance to talk if you’re going to use him. Glamarella was so much better with just two.

• Shawn Michaels and JBL …was I the only one who thought that was a pile of fiddle sticks. There was like 2 grapple moves, the rest of the match was chopping and clubbing followed by a missed clothesline and super kick. I love HBK but this was the worst match I’ve seen him in, in a long time and I don’t have high hopes for a HBK Vs Kozlov match then again if there's anyone who can put on a passable match with him It’s Michaels.

With Manu’s recent release (GASP) it does not look good for a lot of low card talent, however in April Heat returns under a new name forgive me if I roll my eyes here. If you want to showcase lower card talent and build them up, use ECW for flips sake don’t create a FOURTH forking show.

Speaking of ECW i havnt mentioned it before but what is there to talk about? The show is generally a mis managed waste of time. Managed properly it could be a great breeding ground for talent with the likes Evan Bourne and Jack Swagger getting valuable experience but when i see every week in the results "Boogeyman def local jobber" I can see why ratings are poor. It's an hour long show and that is a huge problem as is the small roster which leads to stale feuds and matches. Should it go? short answer yes , long answer yeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssss. Not even Christian can save it, at this point the man is basically a plaster placed over a shot gun wound. I will probably go onto ECW in future columns.


Here is this weeks Wrestlemania meter

Will the frog loosen his purse string to order Wrestlemania?



Verdict:
Raw put a sour taste in my mouth. Wrestlemania is the blow off of the wrestling calendar a huge event, whos the hero going for gold, whos going to stand in front of the fireworks and majesty at the end of the show? It would appear Orton but you never know. With CM Punk in the MITB it looks like another year without an IC title match ooh well. Who will Jericho be against?? Maybe ill cheer up and my opinion will change in the coming weeks.

Before I close up, I know, I know I’m a bitter frog but in research I found the following:

Wrestlemania
16 – Vs Mick Foley Vs Big Show Vs the Rock
18 – Vs Jericho
19 – Vs Booker T
20 – Shawn Michaels Vs Chris Benoit
21 – Vs Batista
22 – Vs John Cena
23- If it wasn’t for injury Vs John Cena
24 – Vs John Cena Vs Randy Orton
25 – Vs Randy Orton?

As it stands (not including 23 and assuming he will be in title match at 25) Triple H has been in more World Championship matches at Wrestlemania than the Rock and Austin COMBINED. If you add into that this year’s inevitable match and the fact the 23 was meant to be him he would have had the same amount as The Rock, Austin and Undertaker. It must be time to move over and let other people take the spot; I foolishly thought CM Punk might even make it to a main event this year alas I have to put up with a throwback from 2004.
Until next time

The Frogs “What the Fudge” title reign of the week!

Intercontinental Championship
Prince Albert



Won : June 28 – 2001
Lost : July 23 – 2001 (26 days)
When one talks about the legacy and glory of the intercontinental championship the mind is not drawn to the hip hop hippo Albert. This throw away abortion of a reign occurred when Albert – then a member of the immense stable known as X-factor which lets face it boys girls is a big contender for WORST stable of all time. I did not overlook the fact that was during the early days of the Invasion (story for another column) storyline and although there was some rather queer title shenaningans around this time , this one was just roll your eyes ugly. Kane, a great champion and well loved superstar’s reign was brought to a halt by the A-Train on Smackdown, less than a month later he was derailed (eugh I feel so dirty …or like Michael Cole) by Lance Storm. Storm went on to have a awesome IC title match with Edge at Summerslam 2001 but the frog has not forgotten Alberts …historic title reign…26 days…………..too many.

Ribbit Ribbit Croak

I must go back into my slumber where maybe ill cheer up after this mediocre widdle poor RAW.

All questions or anything hecardreadgood@hotmail.com

[cicero]

Excellent as usual.

[FeckOffCup]

Jericho needs an opponent, what about someone who can make the silver anniversary a little more.......Gooooolden

[The Failed Parachute]

fantastic........but odds are hell never get to be on another Wrestle MAAAAH ..MAHAAA.....MAAAHA ....MAAANNNNNN.......MANIA

plus modern fans don't remember the man at his best............book-dust

[Martin Riggs]

great stuff! It warms my heart to hear pond-dwelling amphibians discuss raw in an intelligent manner.

[J and Silent Dubb]

Excellent read as always.

The idea of rotating 'formats' of the MITB match is one of the smartest ideas I have read recently.

I agree that WWECW is mismanaged to some extent, but I also feel that it has been a breeding ground for new talent. (CM Punk anyone?) Bourne is currently injured and Swagger does appear weekly, so that comment just doesn't 'cut the mustard.' I do long for the side-show acts of Boogey'Woogey' Man and Horn'swallow' to disappear though. As far as Superstars it's just Vince's way of trying to stick it to Dixie Carter one more time. By putting the show on Thursday nights against Impact, if Superstars gets better ratings, Vince can smirk and say "Yeah our 'D' show beats your 'A' Show.

Look foward tothe next edition.

[Petre Dyche]

I personally always made an effort to watch Heat...and would have more often were it not for the constant highlights from Raw and SD. Let's face it, anyone watching Heat is surely only doing so because they are so addicted they cannot miss a single match...just in case.

Your statistic on Hunter is flawed. The Rock and Austin both had relatively short main event careers before moving on to 'bigger things', whereas just many of those main events has Triple H gone over in? I'm just saying.
(also, there was absolutely no build-up to a feud with Cena in 2007 to support the WM23 theory)

I give this a thumbs-down on the basis that there's so much negativity coming from the column.

[The Failed Parachute]

very addicted i'd say if you couldn't miss the likes of Charlie Haas and Hardcore Holly Vs The Highlanders.

Appreciate all the feedback , i know this edition was a wee bit bitter but thats just the mood RAW put me in. In my haste i may have done the Triple H Wrestlemania metre but I'm sure it was meant to be him Cena at 23, isn't it mentioned in Shawns DVD?. Alas i just feel it speaks, that his character isn't strong enough to survive without the belt to anchor it.

keep checking back for the next edition

[Petre Dyche]

How that match never made it to Wrestlemania is beyond me...

Fair enough, I get that sometimes, such as if Raw starts off with a 20 minute promo that goes nowhere, or the main event is something we've seen over and over, but you have to keep watching to the end for the dirty finish.

The phrase "The best laid plans of mice and men" never rings true more than in WWE lol

[L-Man]

Hey man, i completelt loved this column from start to finish it was another great one.

[Cult Icon]

basically i second everything everyone said lol. this was extrememly funny, so the bitterness didnt bother me, and even still it just shows how much passion you got. i do disagree on the mitb thing, as they should have it once a year, its basically tradition. however, i wouldnt be apposed to changing the gimmick like you also suggested. a great read.