A Great Undertaking

[MyLeeCyrus]

I know, I know, I’m late! But I promise, I haven’t read Johnny’s column yet; that would be an unfair advantage. Anyways, on with the show!

Ladies and gentlemen, MyLee Cyrus Productions presents: A Great Undertaking.

Johnny Boomerang claims that Undertaker’s status as a legend is solely dependent on his undefeated streak at Wrestlemania. Allow me to introduce to you a different point of view.

IT’S THE FREAKING UNDERTAKER!

I’ve been trying for days to find a way to argue,
That JB is quite wrong and its my point of view,
That is clearly correct, so I started exploring,
Ways to write about ‘Taker without sounding boring,
And finally it hit me, an idea so sublime,
That to make it original I’d write it in rhyme!

There once was a man named Mean Mark Callous,
An angry young man with a heart full of malice,
His owners misused him and treated him bad,
They gave up on his contract, and that made him mad,
Then along came his saviour, his name was McMahon,
And he gave Mark a gimmick; he would be the deadman.

The gimmick was rubbish, it should never have worked,
The zombie of wrestling, in the darkness he lurked,
And preyed on the souls of those who were weak,
Mark certainly carried an air of mystique,
The Deadman persona was sealed and delivered,
All the stars in the business were scared and they shivered.
(Yes I know that that rhyme was decidedly poor,
But just YOU try to write something better, you whore!)

‘Taker’s story begins at the Survivor Series
No-one knew who he was, but there were a few theories,
Some said he was human, others said he was not,
Bobby Heenan declared “in that coat, he’ll be hot,
So he must have arrived from somewhere that’s freezing,
And he’s clearly not worried about being crowd-pleasing,”
This was clear when he helped DiBiase to win,
The match and the bragging rights held there within.

In exactly a year Mark would fight for the title,
A win against Hogan could prove to be vital,
He delivered a tombstone and picked up the belt,
But Hulk wasn’t happy, and he voiced how he felt,
Just six short days later, the title was back,
Around the waist of Hulk Hogan, my gosh fancy that,
The Hulkster determined to stay at the peak,
Of the business by making the young stars look weak?
But ‘Taker kept walking that main event road,
He kept plugging away and the accolades flowed,
He turned face but was beaten by big Yokozuna,
He was buried alive, but he’d be back so much sooner,
Than anyone thought he could possibly be,
To begin a great feud with young Michael Foley.

The Deadman was struggling, no opponents he’d find,
‘Til the suits in the boardroom got hold of Mankind,
He was brought in for nothing but facing the Phenom,
When their fighting was finished he would surely be gone,
But nay, for young Mick would turn into a champ,
After time and a much needed gimmick revamp,
And its all thanks to Mark that he reached such great heights,
And wrote bestselling books of a fat guy in tights,
The Phenom would create one more main event star,
But this one was strange and more personal by far,
I refer to the man that some say has no name,
But others deny this, and just call him Kane.

Its just crazy to say that the Deadman is weak,
If he loses a match which will cost him his streak,
He allowed the arrival of two world title holders,
Who got where they did by climbing up on his shoulders.

So where were we, ah yes, we were telling of Kane,
In the feud that would shoot him to fortune and fame,
He debuted in the first ever match in a cell,
And declared that he’d send his own brother to hell,
But despite all his threats, he would fail when it counted,
His attack on his brother to nothing amounted,
So the Phenom restarted his feud with Mick Foley,
Which would end in a match that’s described as unholy,
They climbed to the top of the cell, then good grief!
He threw Mick through the roof to the mat far beneath,
The most horrible chokeslam you ever did see,
Could’ve spelled sudden death for Sir Mick of Foley,
It’s a match we’ll remember ‘til the Deadmans long gone,
So to say we’ll forget him would just be plain wrong,
There’s a lot more to ‘Taker than his unbeaten run,
But be patient, my friends, ‘cause we’re nowhere near done.

So our hero begins an attempt to dethrone,
A snake that’s from Texas, as Cold as a Stone,
And he joins with his brother, but poor Kane doesn’t see,
The backstab that starts Taker’s brand new Ministry,
Paul Bearer comes back and the two mend their fences,
(Is it weird that I’ve changed between two different tenses?)
The deadman grew eviller hour by hour,
And blamed all his actions on some grand “higher power”,
Which turned out to be Vince leading lambs to the slaughter,
Betraying friends, foe and family; yes, even his daughter.

But its now that we could near the end of our tale,
For his gimmick was turning from fresh into stale,
But our hero was desperate to stay at the top,
And concocted a plan to avoid any drop,
He completely revamped his whole act and came back,
Astride a black bike, with a new big attack,
A plain power bomb that he called the last ride,
He seemed rather normal; yes, the deadman had died.

What amazes me here is that we’ve just hit halfway,
Surely only a madman could still try to say,
That ‘Taker is only a legend of ‘Mania,
As Peter Andre might say, that’s completely insania.

For the first several months he would team with his bro,
The big red machine, and between them they’d go,
And face Christian and Edge for the tagging team straps,
But the Big Evil’s judgement would prove to be lapse,
As his brother backstabbed him, and choke slammed him twice,
But his heinous betrayal would come at a price,
The Bad Ass would beat him at the Summer of Slam,
And go on to defeat the young Robert Van Dam,
His first hardcore title came from this occasion,
Oh shit, I just realised I missed the inVasion,
With WCW, the extremists and Raven,
What a tenuous rhyme to start talking of Maven.

A tough enough champion, a right underdog,
The youngster would enter a 30-man slog,
And dropkicked our man into taking a tumble,
Undertaker, this year, would not win the royal rumble,
But for Maven the crowd just could not seem to care,
So the Deadman moved on to a feud with Ric Flair,
He bloodied and beat him at ‘Mania eighteen,
And the Phenom moved back to the main event scene,
He beat Austin and Hulk in consecutive matches,
Then defeated Jeff Hardy in the best of mismatches,
After lifting Jeff’s hand as a sign of respect,
Rocky took back the belt; it was time to defect,
Big Evil would move to the brand that was blue,
But he lost to Brock Lesnar, and everyone knew,
That when Big Show threw him from the top of the stage,
This chapter was finished, so lets turn the page.

He returned at the Rumble, then defeated Big Show,
And together with Albert, off to ‘Mania they’d go,
He did nothing of note, but was asked to survive,
One more match against Kane, this one “buried alive”,
We thought ‘Taker would win, there was surely no doubt,
That the Deadman was one we could not do without,
Just the thought of him leaving was frankly absurd,
But that night an impossible thing had occurred,
The red one victorious, the Phenom was finished,
But his reputation wasn’t slightly diminished,
A legend eternal, streak be beaten or not,
He would stay in the Earth, where forever he’d rot.
But that isn’t the ending, despite Kane’s sweat and toil,
For the Phenom resurfaced at the Rumble of Royal,
But he wasn’t a biker, he wasn’t Big Evil,
His gimmick again underwent an upheaval,
He returned to his roots, and poor Kane would soon fall,
To the Deadman and his fat, ugly father called Paul,
Yes, daddy was back, and the ‘Taker returned,
But Bearer’s advice would shortly be spurned,
As the Dudleys came forth, poor old Paul would be sent,
To see hell fire and brimstone, encased in cement.

So that chapter was closed, Bearer’d been sent to hell,
And the ‘Taker would start to attack JBL,
He would fight for the title, one, two, three times… No, Four!
Undertaker could not beat that fat banking bore,
His attempts would be thwarted by Jon Heidenreich,
But he beat him, and soon Jon would be on his bike,
Off the brand, off his contract, the Phenom had won,
His next challenge would be Cowboy Bob Orton’s son,
A young buck who went by the name Orton, Randrew,
Would soon find he’d bitten off far too much to chew,
As he challenged the Deadman at Wrestlemania Two One,
And a tombstone delivered, Randy Orton was done,
But nay, not forever, for the young up-and-comer,
Would emerge as the victor from the Slam of the Summer,
And their feud would continue for almost a year,
Orton thought he had won, but would soon learn new fear,
As the ‘Taker emerged from a casket of fire,
In a sight that would surely pure terror inspire,
And the Phenom would send Randy Orton to hell,
As he came out the winner of their match in a Cell.

Undertaker moved on to the strongman, Henry,
But would shortly be asked to fight off Great Khali,
And he did so, thank fuck, ‘cause I don’t like that guy,
‘Cause he’s big and he’s crap, his head touches the sky,
So the ‘Taker moved on and would fight Mr. Ken,
MVP got involved, it was hopeless but then,
Kane would get in amongst it, the brothers were back,
And the new kids could never survive the attack,
Of the powerful siblings, quite the strong family,
Now we move to the Rumble before ‘Mania Two Three,
The one thing that was missing from his list of great feats,
Was to win the big match where the winner then meets,
The world heavyweight champ at the biggest event,
And it happened this year, twenty nine others sent,
From the mat to the floor, its deceptively far,
Undertaker victorious, bring on Batista,
The two fought in Detroit in an 'Mania bout,
In Detroit, Undertaker would silence all doubt,
That he’s truly elite, and his streak (though not vital),
Remained nicely intact as he won back the title.

The next year would be filled with the animal Dave,
And Mark Henry, but Smackdown would shortly be saved,
By an opportunistic young man known as Edge,
To the GM of Smackdown his love he would pledge,
And he cashed in his briefcase to win back the belt,
Undertaker was finished, at least that’s how I felt,
But he sure proved me wrong, as the year would still see,
Him, Batista and Edge, the all-powerful three,
Keep the blue brand afloat, and though needing fresh talent,
They were forced to continue together, most gallant,
When it came to big players they would surely need more,
But they wouldn’t arrive until after Two Four,
Where ‘Taker and Copeland would perform at their best,
And the Deadman would once more succeed in his quest,
In a match that involved one big fuck-off long ramp,
Undertaker could once again call himself champ,
After feuding with Edge for a solid few shows,
As per usual he’s tired, and the Deadman he goes,
To be sat on the sides for a month and a bit,
‘Til Vickie rehires him; her husbands a shit,
He cheated on her, and the only recourse,
Is to bring back the darkest and most deadly force,
In wrestling history, and I mean that sincere,
Poor Edge is quite frightened, the Deadman is here!
Undertaker sent Edge through the floor of the ring,
And set him alight, oh the poor little thing,
Vickie thought it was over, Undertaker said no,
So she hired her some help in the form of Big Show,
And the duo would face for the billionth time,
Undertaker victorious, though no more in his prime,
So we move on to ‘Mania Two Five where he did,
The completely unthinkable: beat the great Heartbreak Kid,
Yes, the Phenom and Michaels would tear the house down,
And the Deadman, the victor, himself he would crown,
It was seventeen-zero, an incredible feat,
They both needed time off, and they bid their retreat.

Now the Phenom is back, and he’s not at his best,
But still stands above almost the whole of the rest,
He’s the champion of Smackdown, good grief, SEVEN TIMES!
The atmosphere is electric every time that bell chimes,
See the man is a legend, he’s been here eighteen years,
And he gets a reaction, be it booing or cheers,
To belittle his feats is quite frankly a crime,
I confess, he’s not really a favourite of mine,
But I respect what he’s done, and you’d have to be crazy,
(I’m quite tempted to use the phrase “Deadman like Swayze”,
But that seems a bit harsh, and just slightly off topic,
Did I mention that ‘Taker is quite philanthropic?)
He’s no issues with helping to put over young guys,
And deserves his successes, at least in my eyes,
He’s done great things for business, and he’s been the stick measure,
And provided us all with good times that we treasure,
He’s professional, talented, the greatest big guy,
If he loses at ‘Mania, he still will not die,
He’s forever a legend, you just cannot deny,
That the business will change when he finally says ‘bye,
He transcends all the eras, he’s outlasted the best,
And its crazy and stupid to even suggest,
That without his great streak he won’t mean anything,
For when talking of wrestling, he is truly the king.

So there it is folks, yes, our story is finished,
And I hope that JB’s argument I’ve diminished,
So come, join my team, ’cause its finally time,
For this madness to stop, I’m so damn sick of rhyme.

[Benjamin Button]

Why MyLee, I love the variety.

I know that was a lame rhyme, hell it wasn't even a rhyme, but it's simple. I'm not YOU. How did you think of rhymes for so much of his career? I'm convinced that Taker's career speaks for itself, and that's what you brought out, his career. As always, this was a job well done.

[Super Chrisss]

One thing that always impresses me about poem/song/rhyming columns is how much effort the author must have put into his work. This was without doubt the longest wrestling rhyme I've ever heard, so MAJOR props to you man.

While you're a little late jumping on the pro-Taker bandwagon, you more than made up for it with this awesome piece.

Well done as always MyLee.

[SIMS]

I agree with SC - you can tell how much effort you must have put into this to keep the rhyme going. It was a solid, different look at why Taker deserves the recognition hes got over the years.

I just wanted him to heal up to as close to 100% as possible before returning. A few more faces on Smackdown and this could have happened maybe.

Anyways, I thought this was a cool and interesting column.

[Freeman]

You wrote, you spoke, you rhymed, you sang
This was just ace, take that Boomerang
The flow was super, not once did it soften
Fuck man I wish you'd write more often
Great piece on Taker, and the rhymes were gold
It's just a shame that the Deadman's getting quite old
I'm thoroughly impressed with your continuous rhyme
Fucking great job dude, read you next time.

[Prince-Jigsaw]

To follow along with the spirit, I too will use rhyme,
The class that I'm in, provides free time,
You're rhyming was good, Though one forced an "uhh.."
When I saw that you rhymed "far" with "Batista",
I think this will kill JB, without a doubt,
Bragging Rights to you sir, deserving to tout,
Come back soon please, I enjoyed this very much,
No Homo, of course, Please Keep In Touch!

[LimeFlavored]

Now let me make the comment that while a large chunk of Undertaker's legacy is linked to the WrestleMania streak, I think he'll be legendary anyway. With that streak, he is on par with Flair and Hogan, and without, he's probably only as good as Randy Savage or Kevin Nash. Yes, that is a definitive tiering there.

[FreekyDeeky]

freat way to defend Undertaker's legacy Mylee.

I agree with you, although Undertaker is not one of my favourites his legacy would transcend the streak if it were broken and he will always be known as the greatest of all the hosses.

There were a few times when it seemed like you struggled to find rhymes to match the previous one but considering the length of this rhyme that is completely understandable

Fun read. Catch ya next time

[Phoenix Rising]

I do have to tell you, when I first saw this, I just back-clicked out. But Prince Jigsaw told me this was good, so I decided to try it out. AND...............................

I really enjoyed this, but I did notice that you jumped from Yokozuna in the early nineties to at least 5 years later with Kane. Did nothing exciting happen in that span of time?

However, this is my favorite piece of work from you, because it's obvious that you put ALOT of time and effort into it.

[FutureDonkey]

Wow, MyLee, you may have a fucking terrible name,
But 'tis more than obvious that you have serious game,
Through teaching and educating the masses
Before the Deadman finally passes
On into the mists of time
Where he sits in pools of garish brine,
Drinking hard liquor and pimpin' his flow,
While watching Zach Ryder say, "You know it, bro'."


With JB, I must confess, originally I did agree,
Now, though, I see the light but I will still not pay your damn fee,
Because, it should be noted, I saw you falling a bit
During the middle part with Batista and his personal clit.


Still this does not change the fact that, nonetheless,
You write good poetry like a young, slutty Irish lass,
Which is a good thing, surely you see,
Because poetry is a pornstar that will help set you free.


Thank you for you intelligent banter,
I hope you soon buy a horse and go for a canter,
For surely you are wearied by this journey you have taken
Exploring the soul of him who was never undertaken,
As he is the man that bashes gongs inside his mind
While Little Johnny, the wrestling fan, his teeth do grind
At the appallingly fearful spectacle of eternal darkness
Just as he did with that Italian man who wore a dress.

[MissouriDragon]

I didn't know Shel Silverstein was a wrestling fan.

[Uncle Joe]

But its now that we could near the end of our tale,
For his gimmick was turning from fresh into stale,
But our hero was desperate to stay at the top,
And concocted a plan to avoid any drop,
He completely revamped his whole act and came back,
Astride a black bike, with a new big attack,
A plain power bomb that he called the last ride,
He seemed rather normal; yes, the deadman had died.

Stupendous.

What amazes me here is that we’ve just hit halfway,
Surely only a madman could still try to say,
That ‘Taker is only a legend of ‘Mania,
As Peter Andre might say, that’s completely insania.

EH.




I applaud the effort of a rhyme column, and having tried it, it's harder than it seems. Still, Taker needs to go.

[XanMan]

Wow. My eyes hurt now, but it was worth it. Awesome rhyme column, MyLee.