Alien VS. Hornswoggle Part Two: Professional List Analysis And Other Stuff

[FutureDonkey]

__________

After receiving such fortuitous prophecy contained within a rather typical anal bottle, The Secretive Guy went back to the Fortress of Rightness and Goodness and met with Johnson. They debated for many moons and even for the rights to gay marriage in a compromising position; however, in the end, a final unilateral decision was made not by the resolution of their differing interpretation of the message, but by the supreme primal urge to take action, saving Little Timmy (who has, it must be mentioned, by this point, come to be symbolic of the whole world as one giant “Little Timmy”) no matter the cost. They both soon made preparations to make the journey to thus discern a special location, but before they left for good, The Secretive Guy, realizing the unorganic danger he was soon to enter and never return from, decided to make one final trip into the heartlands of Rhode Island.

Standard Old Lady: Hello, who is it? Walter, is that you, sweetie? You know my eyesight isn’t what it used to be my little pumpkinseed.

The Secretive Guy: No, momma, it’s me.

Oh lordy, lordy, sonny boy, is that really you?

Yes, mommy, it is I. I’m sorry I have been gone so long.

Oh son, how much I have missed you. I’ve wanted to tell you this for a long, long time, but I’ve never had the courage to...

Mum. Mummy, don’t worry about it, it‘s in the past, I forgave you a long time ago, you know you don’t have to say anyth...

No, son, you don’t understand. This needs to be said. Look, I’m sorry for letting you get kicked out of the house all those years ago, I know it was rotten of me, and even worse that I never told your father the whole truth, never told him the part I played.

At this point, the Standard Old Lady turns around briskly and leans against a conveniently place wall, as soft music plays in the background and dull lighting illuminates the atmosphere.

I never told him the whole truth when he saw you and Walter like that, I never told him what I had been doing moments before. I lied to save my own skin, and, in turn, I lost someone even closer to me than my epidermis.

Mommy, mommy dearest, this isn’t important, don’t worry I’ve forgiven and forgotten and I will always love you and our experiences.

Oh how I love you too, my son. Your sister misses you too. I talked to her a few weeks ago and she says that it was the most incredible thing she has ever experienced; she hasn’t been able to do it since then either.

I thought she enjoyed it quite a bit. The X Factor was great as well, wasn’t it, mommy?

Yes it was, my sweet. I think I still have it somewhere around here.

Wouldn’t you always keep it in that desk over there?

No, not at all, that’s where I would keep me and your father’s dildos. No, I kept our vibrator nice and hidden in my closet.

Haha, oh how lovely the memories are! Those were the greatest times. I’m going to have to go soon, but when I came in it sounded like you were looking for Walter. He’s OK, right?

Well, unfortunately he got sick a few days ago.

Oh no...

Don’t worry yourself, sweetcakes, he’s at the vet overnight for observation. Little fella should be fine.

That’s great to know, mommy, I was a little worried. Come on, give me a hug.

In slow motion they both walk towards each other, like lovers trysting in a lusty and forbidden affair on a hot, sultry night in Saudi Arabia.

Oh mommy, how good it is to feel your... Mom, you feel unusually lumpy today. Do you have cancer?

Um, no, my deary, I’m just getting old, you know, all old ladies have big curvy lady humps on their backs.

The Secretive Guy continues his hugging and fondling of the Standard Old Lady until he further notices an excessive amount of lumps on her arms and shoulders. By this point his suspicion is mounting upon a horse and riding into the blackest golden sunset of truth.

Well, that’s good to hear, mommy, but what are all of these stiff bulges on your shoulders?

Oh nothing, sweetcheeks, just keep rubbing me where you know I like it.

At this moment, The Secretive Guy witnesses the protusion of an exceptionally white row of teeth inside the mouth of the Standard Old Lady. He stares in abhorrent shock.

Are you alright my precious? You look a little miffled, hehe.

You lying son of a bitch! You’re not my Standard Old Lady, you’re an imposter, you son of a bitch!

Haha, I was wondering how long it would take you to find out.

A black man suddenly emerges from within a “Standard Old Lady” suit, the gleam of his white teeth nearly blinding The Secretive Guy; however, even in the glaring, angelic light, he can see that the black man is wearing a green Hornswoggle suit.

What a fool you are. Now it is your time to die.

You son of a bitch! No, no, don’t you whip your dick out at me.

Well, I think you might be misinterpreting my intentions. After I knock you out cold with my hammer, me and my pet horse are going to bukkake you until you drown.

No, you wouldn’t do this you son of a bitch.

Oh yes I would, I...what, what’s that noise? Do you hear that whirring sound?

Yes I do, it sounds very similar to the purring sound my cat would make when we had sex. Why are you asking me, you son of a bitch?

...

You son of a bitch.

Suddenly, the whirring sound grows exponentially and there is a blinding flash of white light, a flash which leaves the black man in a sea of loathing and despair, a flash which transports The Secretive Guy out of harms way and into an ancient alien ruin.

“Are you tired of changing tiny batteries?”

--a commercial seen by those who see.

You sumbitch.

Johnson: What?

Johnson! Oh how good it is to see you my little buddy, but, ack, why am I here?

This is the special location we were to go to. I found a teleporter beam and beamed you from danger; the aliens told me of your peril.

You’re the best friend I could ever ask for! Now, what’s next?

Remember that Message In An Anal Bottle that was plugged into your anus? Well, I’ve placed it into this piece of alien technology and it is just starting to translate the encoded message. Look!

The alien computer screen unleashes a low humming sound, much like the sound made by mermaids in the classic hit Disney movie, “The Little Mermaid,” and then presents on the screen a steadily formulating stream of informative text.

Option 1. By eliminating the misuse of competent talent that are often pinned by such menacing Darth Vader Clones such as Hornswoggle, the death of Hornswoggle and his representation could be easily affected. Disposable talent are those whose levels of uselessness reach a point where their employment is no longer a logical, although perhaps not entirely uneconomical, action, especially given their overall lack of meaning and/or realism (subtle or otherwise). The art of meaningful storylines and emotion-driven battles between one side and another is most likely a high-quality proposition to make when taking this option into consideration. While jobbers do have some merit and value, they should typically be talent who have markedly lesser skill at competing in an attractive (skillful) manner, composing of various holds, both fast and slow (thus separating submissions from other wrestling manuevers). There are large quantitative amounts of jobbers who do not possess the fine skill required to be professionally incompetent at wrestling, and, therefore, they should not be in this particular aspect of their ocupation. With their departure from undeserved jobbing, Hornswoggle will have no manner to (realistically) defeat opponents to gain momentum to become a challenger and to, finally, become a World Champion (of either the Blue or Red persuasion). After this assessment becomes correctly assessed in one’s mind, then one thinks of David Arquette, and then one realizes that this option is semi-futile against the forces of darkness.

Option 2. Hornswoggle is merely one among many of the wrestlers of Wet World Entertainment who is an example of a gimmick exploding outwards and producing the foul reality of our present state, while is also simultaniously “reppin” (as a Cuban I happen to know would put it) for those whose gimmicks implode inwards on themselves causing a complete collapse of their internal usefullness to the external world. But this is not just about over-the-top gimmicks that -3 to +10 year olds marinate in, this is about the gimmicks at the bottom of the Ludicrous Gimmick Food Chain--gimmicks that are too ridiculous to be normal, but not too ridiculous to eat other members of said food chain. For example: there are no current examples. Why? Because Hornswoggle, who is the epitomy of the Ludicrous Gimmick Food Chain, has eaten everyone else, thus making himself bigger and more illiterately logical in the process. The frightening part of this current spectacle is that he, much like Shelob from “The Lord of the Rings,” has grown hungry, desiring the juicy flesh of a Hobbit; the Hobbit, in this case, happens to be Chavo Guerrero. While the fact does remain that this man may be happy with his present situation, there is no denying that his happiness (at being eaten out by a midget?) is at the expense of the entire world, including Wet World Entertainment.

Option 3. Although...

Whoa, whoa, hold it right there, son.

The alien computer screen stares at him blankly and with exceedingly obvious ambiguity.

Option 3. ... However, there is...

What you didn’t hear me before, shut it, fuckhead! There is never a three. Just bump the shit up. And don’t stutter you worthless piece of taint-juice.

Wow, I never knew that you knew how to talk like that, Johnson. Wow, just wow.

The Secretive Guy moans deeply and seductively. Meanwhile, the alien computer screen appropriately handles the situation.

Option 3. There is never a three.

If anyone disagrees they may feel free to apply the newly established “Option 6” to their persons.

Option 4. In a counterpoint to Option 2, it is of the utmost importance to establish gimmicks for wrestlers, including giving them personality. One of Wet World Entertainment’s greatest flaws is that most matches are contested under newly developed “Extreme Rules” which typically condone “I don’t like you, therefore, with no degree of certitude, I shall place you in a rest-hold for five minutes and then proceed to growl,” which is often coupled with a response (if the proposed and supposed responder is capable of speaking in his given non-gimmick) similar to the following: “I dislike you as well, however, I give high-fives to children, therefore, I shall bounce off the ring ropes as well as leap from disproportionate heights, thus defeating you.” While these battles of El Generico (not the wrestler, but, rather, the wrestler) vs. El Generico (not the wrestler, but, rather, the wrestler) may provide the casual fan of moist entertainment with temporarily high levels of pleasure, it does nothing for us, nor does it aid those being consumed by the tuberculosis of Horswoggle. If wrestlers were given normalcy, it could easily be the downfall of the one who preys upon the lack of personality. It is interesting to note that we know considerably more about Hornswoggle’s motives than we know about Charlie Haas’s. It has long been theorized that he is the re-incarnation of George Washington, however, this has yet to be substantiated and until it is, we shall forever know more about a Leprechaun that does not exist (although he does, of course).

Option 5. The establishment of intelligence, on the part of the fans and management, can easily go hand in hand with Option 9, however, it needs to be developed as its own entity as well. Intelligence on the part of the fans may be recommended to consist of the chanting of various chants (ka-ching) showing their diverse levels of non-self-indulgent disgust at being exposed to vulgar performances, including, but not limited to, the racially motivated raping of spics exhibited on live television. Another example would be Bob “The Geriatric Machine” Barker using his psuedo-Bruce Lee-derived moveset to eliminate the aforementioned spics. There is also the objectionable usage of no-selling which should be spat and cursed upon by fans, particularly the more intelligent members of the class of young fans (this will be discussed in greater detail shortly). On the part of management, intelligence must be established partly by eliminating those who fail to pass bi-annual prerequisite tests developed by those with pre-established intelligence, as well being “in touch” with the many demographics that comprise the fan base of Wet World Entertainment. Once it has been determined that management has sufficient quantity and quality of intelligence, they may go about their business proving themselves by ending the practice of the use of super heroes in Wet World Entertainment, as well as properly treating the fans to a healthy dose of both reality and, even more importantly, respect. For example, in an intelligent form of Wet World Entertainment, human beings will no longer be permitted to nearly die and then be revived by the magical lowering of a delightful assortment of chainlink fences.

Option 6. Crystallized bars of Lucky Charms may be difficult to come by, however, if you can either locate or produce such items, it would be wise of you to eat them instead. Laws have recently been enacted that prohibit sex acts on the USA Network. Option 6 has been declared null and void by the enactment of the Fourteenth Amendment in 1868.

Option 7. Linda McMahon has gained political power in the land of Connecticut and to maintain the snow white purity of her demeaner she has determined that fans of Wet World Entertainment no longer appreciate or have any desire to be exposed to profanity (except the moderate usage of the following words: ass, damn, hell; words no longer allowed are: bastard, bitch, twat, cunt, dick, fuck, or any derivitive of such words, or the usage of racial slurs), semi-nudity, nudity, hotness, blood, violence, intensity, anger, humorous anecdotes, entertainment, wrestling, tits, interesting fueds, and meaningful characters. In her almighty wisdom she has also come to the conclusion that fans of Wet World Entertainment would like to see more “entertainment,” backstage segments, strictly platonic relationships between male and female wrestlers, less tits, overuse of gimmicks, fat women making out with non-degraded spics, unrealistic storylines and characters, excessive comradery and loyalty, super heroes, sweet dudes, and the abuse of children. Once she joins the ranks of the illustrious senate (note alien sarcasm), her assessment of our preferences will only increase and widen. If you enjoy wrestling, please see to her demise. Drugs, weapons, lesbians, and sex tapes are all viable options. Be a super hero.

Option 8. Fecal matter is repugnant. Prevent the spreading of fecal matter through the usage of peanut butter and cheese.

Option 9. Upon the establishment of the mythical concept of realism, it will become much more common place for midgets (we must refer to them as midgets if we are to utilize the highly effective Option 9, for the term “leprechaun” is highly unrealistic in both etymology and spelling) to be defeated by larger forces of opposition. In fact, with the utilization of realism, the death rate of midgets will go up by 738%, based on a new Harvard study on the reaction lab mice have when exposed to cattle mutilation. It is also of extreme importance to note that realism does not merely include treatment of midgets, it also includes the treatment of every other aspect (including the other other aspects) of professional wrestling and it’s life partner, Wet World Entertainment. For example, when you hit in the temporal lobe with the steel steps you keep at your house, do you not bleed? When you rub your face violently against a chainlink fence, do you not bleed? When you do not shit for a week straight, do you not bleed upon the pointy excretion? It is of the utmost importance that blood be allowed to flow freely (though not so freely as to promote the neo-Vampire Culture), adding the dire elements of reality to that which is real, although it really isn’t real. Our suspension of belief must end if we wish for our children to not be molested by the outstretched arms of PC and the common belief that the earth is made of profoundly squishy marshmellows that never grow stale and stiff.

Option 10. Defer to Option 9.

Option 10 1/2. Theme music has been with the WWF and later the WWE and, even later, the Wet World Entertainment for a long time. It is capable of adding personality and character to a wreslter, while already amplifying his pre-established character. Finlay used to come out to the ring in traditional (badass) Irish music, complete with the use of various Irish instruments of musical production (instruments which are fully unknown to aliens), stating, quite boldly and bluntly, that he loved to fight. At this point, nothing has changed about his loving to fight (or has it?), however, his entire gimmick, persona, and level of aggresiveness has been drasticly altered, partly as a result of a face turn, but more so as a result of his association with a midget and his homosexually active theme music. Most invariably this is not an issue which has been thoroughly expounded upon before, but it is an important one, sadly an issue unthought of as an issue. If Hornswoggle were to come out to the ring with KoRn’s “Freak on a Leash” blairing in the background, particularly the scary/disturbing animal grunting sounds, his character could not possibly retain it’s present state; unless, of course, Option 9 is still being ignored. Even if his gimmick and personality are maintained, children (his greatest supporters as well as unknowing victims) would not see his running around people, growling like a rabid dog frothing at the mouth, and subsequent gluteus maximus-biting as Good actions. No, they would immediately think of his theme music and recognize that he is the son of a Satanic overlord. Perhaps this alien computer needs to revisit the principles of Option 9.

Option 10.9. Kill Him, Him who is not Hornswoggle, but Him who has inserted his perverted hand upwards and onwards into Hornswoggle’s puppet schute, thus controlling his outward actions and, ultimately, controlling all of Wet World Entertainment and the children and the world--Roman Polanski.

I’m not sure if I understand that last option. I think we may need to think on this for a while. There is obviously a hidden message in there somewhere; the aliens are on to something and I’m not even sure if they know it themselves.

This is all so very frightening, Johnson. I’m so worried, but no longer do I even know what we must do.

Don’t worry, little buddy, I know the answers. We’ll go through those tunnels over yonder and fight through the hordes of the undead and their necromantic masters, then we will come to the alien Time Machine and transport ourselves into the future. 2015; before it is too late for little Timmy Baxton. The Secretive Guy, get your Uzi out and cock it back hard, we’re going to war!

Both Johnson and The Secretive Guy enter into the dark Tunnels of Despair and Misery, with their Uzis cocked back and their hands in a surpisingly low placement upon their trousers.

The camera suddenly shifts to a far away location, within a cozy, but enormous, office atop a water control facility (dam), it presents the image of an aging man, with dried, crunchy locks of hair, a figure in a cushioned, black leather (perhaps the leather of cows), swiveling office chair of the seventeenth degree. He chuckles to himself audibly, he chuckles the way all seniors do when they see the unfolding, before their very eyes, of the ultimate product of their dark machinations.

He watches. He waits. Drums in the deep.

In a small, dusty corner of the office lies an unassuming Standard Old Lady suit, a black man suit, as well as a Hornswoggle suit...

__________

[Benjamin Button]

You’re a very funny writer, Future. I laughed quite a bit. I really like the Secretive guy and Johnson, and your options addressed serious issues in a humorous way.

You're deep in your writing. My only advice would be for you to keep a leash on this. You want to make sure the reader always knows what is happening. I understood this column but sometimes I felt you toed the line.

Either way, that doesn't change the fact that you have added something really fresh to the CF, and your column is a must read. You know I'm a fan of this series, as this is what made me love you with heterosexual passion.

PS. Keep your hands off your mother.

[Phoenix Rising]

I'm just going to come out and be blunt with it, this was terrible. The first half the story had nothing to do with wrestling, which is what these forums are for, and talked about a mother and son chatting about his fathers dildos?! What the fuck? The last half actually had to do with wrestling, yet just because it was relevent does not make this a good column. It makes it 50%, which is failing.

I found no humor in this, unlike other people, but the only positive thing I can say about it is that grammer was good. But that's it.

[Freeman]

Yeah I've got no idea what the tie in or the representation of the story and the characters had with the rest of the column, and obviously I'm not the only one. Like I said before try and make those things a little more obvious, because the average reader will be turned off.

The Options section was superb, you made a lot of sense there and the language was top notch. Some good opinions and humour thrown in there for good measure as well. My enjoyment of this was dampened by the rest of the column though, as it just went way over my head. Still, a good effort and for the most part an entertaining read.

[Uncle Joe]

No, not at all, that’s where I would keep me and your father’s dildos. No, I kept our vibrator nice and hidden in my closet.

I may have no idea what the fuck this was about, but I DO know that this was genius, especially to a fist granny loving guy such as myself. And I think you're completely right about Finlay's music; it was so awesome when he was heel; he worked a lot stiffer.

[Vikodin]

Originally Posted by Phoenix Rising

I'm just going to come out and be blunt with it, this was terrible. The first half the story had nothing to do with wrestling, which is what these forums are for, and talked about a mother and son chatting about his fathers dildos?! What the fuck? The last half actually had to do with wrestling, yet just because it was relevent does not make this a good column. It makes it 50%, which is failing.

I found no humor in this, unlike other people, but the only positive thing I can say about it is that grammer was good. But that's it.

50% is a pass fool.

I have no idea what the fuck I just read... but I think I liked it. I'm not really sure its confusing...

[Super Chrisss]

Originally Posted by Vikodin

50% is a pass fool.

I have no idea what the fuck I just read... but I think I liked it. I'm not really sure its confusing...

Uhhh no it isn't. 60% is a pass, bro.


I have mixed emotions on this one. While it was pretty damn funny and brilliantly structured, I too felt the lack of wrestling-relatedness in the column. I'm all for the gimmick and all, but if you want to do a comedical and silly column that slightly involves or refers to wrestling, check out ANY of Uncle Joe's columns, as he does that mixture quite well.

Still, a good effort on your part man.

[Phoenix Rising]

Originally Posted by Vikodin

50% is a pass fool.

Where I'm from, 70% is passing.

[FreekyDeeky]

Same Phoenix it's 70% where I'm from as well

A very good and funny read here Donkey, although I didn't see the relevance the beginning had with with the end but I still enjoyed reading it.

You are turning into a very funny writer in these parts as well as being creative keep up the good work read you next time

[FutureDonkey]

Benjamin Button:

Awesome to see that you liked it so much, man! Yeah, Jonhson and The Secretive Guy are growing on me as well, in a weird sort of way. Believe me, I understand and I will try to tone things down a little; I'll admit though, when I was writing this I was think that it might be to complex for my own good, but it was just too much fun to stop.


Phoenix Rising:

Interesting take on things and I will say that this was something I was afraid of; however, if I may do so, allow me to defend it to a certain extent. Besides the fact that this entire series is largely poking fun at the ridiculous dramatics of the WWE, that section at the top was meant for entertainment, helping you to get to know The Secretive Guy a little better, and, most importantly, introducing Roman Polanski as the man behind the actions of Hornswoggle.

You're opinion is more than valid, but you are taking this shit way too seriously.


Freeman:

Ugh...I'm trying, dude, believe me, I really am. I guess I just have a little too much fun at times. Thanks for your support for my Options section and its a shame that the other parts weakened it. Cheers, homie.


Uncle Joe:

Please refrain from talking about inserting your hand into the vagina of a geriatric.


Vikodin:

I have no idea what the fuck it was about either.


Super Chrisss:

Like I said before, it was a bit of a concern for me. The thing is though, it wouldn't have been anymore about wrestling if I had replaced Standard Old Lady with Mae Young. For me, this way of writing isn't really a gimmick or anything, it's just me changing shit up just because. I'm glad you could appreciate it for what it's worth, dude.


Phoenix Rising...again:

YOU GOT SPAM


FreekyDeeky:

Good to see you had a lot of fun reading it, homes. I'mma still try to be more awesomer next time.

[Phoenix Rising]

Originally Posted by FutureDonkey

Phoenix Rising...again:

YOU GOT SPAM

What?

[Andy]

I didn't really like this one. The idea was such a good one but there were occasions when I didn't know whether I was coming, cumming, or going. When reading an option, I had to take a deep breath each time because I was so exhausted. It took me about two read-throughs to get the whole concept of a single option. Also, at times I think the humour was a bit over the top. Oh, and shouldn't spic be 'spic'?

This wasn't a bad column by any means-- I just didn't enjoy it at all.

[FutureDonkey]

Ass-Blaster Spam-Master (I jest)

Srsly?


Andy

Well, if you were cumming occasionally that must mean something. Really, man, it does suck that it wasn't completely your favorite cup of tea. You didn't like it, so I failed; not necessarily failed at my column per se, but I did fail myself. I'm hardly out here to please everyone, but I'm also not out here to confuse people into thinking they are having an orgasm when they aren't.


Cheers to everyone, and I'll try better next time.

[XanMan]

Delightfully wacky with deep wrestling insights, as usual. Nice job.

[FutureDonkey]

XanMan


Delightfully wacky? Deep wrestling insights? Oh pshaw! You give me such a warm cozy feeling with such complimentary praise. Good to see I'm keeping all the old folks in the nursing home happy!