The Boomerang Prophecies XXXVI: Anti-Taker

[Martin Riggs]

THE BOOMERANG PROPHECIES XXXVI: THE UNDERTAKER: AGAINST

There’s no delicate way of putting this, so I’m going to phrase it twice:

1) The Undertaker’s legacy is solely dependant on his Wrestlemania winning streak, and without it he’ll be forgotten fairly quickly.

2) The Undertaker’s an irrelevant dickhead who really doesn’t belong in the WWE ring any more, because he’s absolutely fucking useless.

I’ve been propositioned to write a column to reiterate my opinions on the Phenom, of which are split into two categories: The logical and sensible, and the impulsive and emotional.


Basically, I think the Undertaker relies wholly on his Wrestlemania winning streak to maintain his legacy. If that were to be taken away from him then it severely diminishes and tarnishes the image that people have of him, and will have once he’s retired. Yes, he’s a multiple-time champion, but none of his reigns have really been that impressive. Or, for that matter, memorable. Just cast your minds back to when Undertaker was champion, and remember how exciting it was? Of course you don’t, because it wasn’t.


Undertaker’s gimmick is pretty shit. The thing is, while he’s good at being all spooky and using psychology to scare his opponent (which you really should expect now, nice to be fucking original…) once he’s got the belt, he’s fucked. What’s he going to do, ‘get in their heads’ so they’re too scared to compete? They’ve got nothing to lose, he’s got the fucking title! It only works when he’s chasing, it doesn’t work when he’s the champion, hence his lack of fucking title reigns…


The Undertaker has never been the best wrestler on the roster. Not that it’s a necessity, mind you, because this is the WWE we’re talking about. But even still, he’s a hoss, and he’s always going to be a hoss. This means he wrestles the ‘hoss-style’. Lots of punches, kicks and a few displays of strength. Unfortunately for Mr Taker, he’s getting older, so those displays of strength have dwindled over the years. Remember when he used to do the Last Ride? When was the last time you saw him do that move NOT from a turnbuckle? And don’t feed me any lies about how it’s ‘not with his gimmick’, because if it wasn’t then he wouldn’t do it at all, but he does.


Seriously? The Undertaker is PAST it. His recent match lasted fucking nine minutes… A championship match lasted NINE fucking minutes! That’s ridiculous! And why was that? Oh, because the Undertaker is too broken to last any longer. If someone who’s just COMING BACK FROM INJURY is incapable of going more than nine minutes in a match, then that person needs to retire. If we’re being honest, he’s never been the best superstar in the ring. I mean sure, he’s talented for a big guy, but just because you’re better than the twat Batista, doesn’t mean you’re fucking Eddie Guerrero.


We’re living in an insider world. People know what’s happening, people know how various things are done and most people realise wrestling is predetermined. So why (oh WHY!) is The Undertaker still doing his ‘lights off… lights on I’M HERE!’ schtick? When he appeared under CM Punk, I watched it and all I thought was “How did CM Punk move correctly so that The Undertaker could get underneath him quickly?” Look, we’re older, smarter, quicker now. We understand how things work. We know Undertaker doesn’t have ‘mystic powers’, he’s just got some friends in the Pyrotechnics Department. So please stop insulting our intelligence by making The Undertaker do things that are ridiculously impossible to do.


What the fuck did he do? Is he buddies with Jeff Hardy now? Did he let him know the plan, so that Jeff could fuck off in time for him to slip in under Punk’s nose? How in the holy FUCK do you expect us to believe CM Punk would not notice Jeff Hardy slipping away and Undertaker getting in? Really? I’m not fucking eight years old. The Undertaker’s gimmick feels like a throwback to the 80’s, where all sorts of stupid shit was possible. But now? Magic? Fuck off, Undertaker. You’re not clever, and you’re not funny.


In an attempt to reign back the discussion, The Undertaker is all about his Wrestlemania undefeated streak. It’s the one thing he’s got that separates him from the rest of the multi-champions out there. Imagine if Kane had the undefeated streak instead of The Undertaker. Even though Kane has had the most minimal of title reigns, he’s still a former champion. But everything about him would be about his undefeated streak. Just like every year, the story going into Wrestlemania is “I’m going to end your streak, Taker!” Kane would be held in such a high regard, and no doubt would already be labelled a ‘future Hall of Famer’. Now picture where The Undertaker would be: solid Main Event level wrestler, occasionally has a decent match, fairly popular with the crowd. Nothing special about him, though. Former champion, you say? That’s nice, let’s slot him in a category with Yokozuna. Because they’re actually pretty similar: Big man, awe-inspiring. You pop when they do something special. Dominant, even when facing large groups of people. Mouthpiece manager. Some people may say I’m cutting The Undertaker short by using that comparison. Okay: Big Show. Multiple time champions, both big men, dominant even in large groups of people, awe-inspiring, you pop when they do something special (notice a pattern here?). They’ve both undergone character changes/developments, both had comedic moments, both cut serious promos. Both been involved in or around the Main Event when they’re about. But what makes Undertaker so much more special than the Big Show? His undefeated streak.


If you end the streak, you end the legacy. I’ll admit, I don’t like the fucktard, but I will give it to him that he does have a legacy. However, I feel like he made a choice a while ago. He could’ve given it up when he was finishing his prime, or he could’ve kept going. He chose to keep going, which means that by now, his career is all about his streak. If he was in any way smart at all, he would’ve ended his career last Wrestlemania, after his match with Shawn Michaels. Because he ain’t getting a fucking better match for the rest of his life. No streak equals no legacy. And yeah, the dickmunch will make it into the Hall of Political Fame, but he won’t have the never-ending legacy that having an intact streak would do.


Working it from the other angle, some superstar will receive an almighty push by defeating The Undertaker’s Streak. Or will they? I mean, sure, at first it’ll be all the rage, but will it last? Shawn Michaels is the man who retired Ric Flair, but do you know him as that? He’s also the man who won the first Hell in a Cell, but again! Undertaker is the man who threw Mankind off Hell in a Cell, but that’s not what he’s known as, and John Cena was the first man to pin both The Great Khali and Umaga. But that’s not what he’s known for anymore… My point is that defeating The Undertaker won’t last in the long run, and it’s not going to catapult anyone into the Main Event, nor is it going to bolster any superstars currently at that level. It’s fairly simple mathematics: The risk of ending the streak (A) isn’t greater than the damage that ending the streak will do to The Undertaker (B). If A < B, then it’s not worth doing.


No-one will give a shit! Really, they won’t. Assuming Ted DiBiase is the man to do it, picture this: “Ooh, Ted DiBiase won his first world title!” “Who’s he? The Million-Dollar Man’s son? Awesome!” Note, I did NOT say, “Who is he? The Man who ended Taker’s streak?” Because they genuinely WON’T be remembered that way. All you’ll accomplish is shitting on The Undertaker. Which, while I’m not averse to, he might have something to say about.


So there you go, those are my reasonings (and tangents) as to why I feel The Undertakers’ legacy is dependant on his continued Wrestlemania winning streak. If you disagree, then fine, that’s your opinion. You’re wrong, on a massive level, but that’s your opinion. This whole idea was brought about whilst watching the Smackdown! DVD with Mylee Cyrus, (who was supposed to be writing the 'positive' to mirror this column... guess it was just TOO hard, proving me right even more) which is where I made my statement and a debate occurred. Just remember, sometimes arguments can force you to write a bunch about someone you don’t really like. Which, as Carlito would agree, is NOT cool.

[Phoenix Rising]

You have just put down on metaphorical paper what I have been saying for years.

I do believe however that Undertaker would be bigger if he lost at this years Wrestlemania. Picture this:

Just for sake of argument say it is Ted DiBiase. Just think of how that make Taker's legacy look if he loses. Now I want you guys who watch UFC to look back to June at UFC100. Everyone was saying that Brock couldn't beat Frank Mir, because Mir had already beat him. Brock went in there and raped Mir, and now critics are saying that Brock is the best fighter in the world. Just because he avenged his one loss in such a dominating fashion. That's how it would work. And Make 'Taker loses at WM26 and "retire". He's gone for nearly a year when Ted starts shooting off his mouth about beating the Deadman at last years Mania. Then, GONG! Undertaker vs. DiBiase at WM27. This match would last all of five minutes and Taker would win in essentially a squash match. And let's just say that he is inducted into the Hall of Fame this year also. Legacy restored and people think that he is the greatest of all time, because he avenged his only WM loss in such a domintaing fashion. It would work.

Good read, no mistakes that jumped out at me, and I'll look forward to reading your next column.

[Super Chrisss]

JB, I absolutely LOVED how I felt like I was reading two different columns at the same time. It was almost as if it were two people discussing the same subject, but unless MyLeeCyrus hacked your account and threw in his two cents, that didn't happen. Splendid way of looking at both sides of the coin, if you will.

I 100% agree that Taker's WM streak is EVERYTHING to him. I too cannot recall any of his World Title reigns, and he's not a great wrestler, nor great on the mic, so the streak really is the only thing that makes him legendary. Another good point is that not only will the person that ends the streak not only not be remembered for that accomplishment, but he will almost definitely have a lifetime of heel heat by the older fans for ending the streak. Therefore, I fail to think of any good reason for having Taker lose at WM.

Great column man, definitely one of the best of the week.

[FreekyDeeky]

Another great read JB but I doubt that if the streak was broken that Undertaker would be forgotten quickly. After all he has been with the WWE for 19 years and he has had some unforgettable feuds. Also he has helped pioneer new match types for the company such as Hell In A Cell, Buried Alive and Casket. But I do agree that the undefeated streak is what separates him from other legends and Hall of Famers and that it should be preserved until he retires.

Read you next time

[Glacier]

BLASPHEMY!

Undertaker has been a main event staple in WWE for 18 years.

I'm not going too much more into detail because the last 2 parts of my Undertaker series will be out sometime tonight or tomorrow.

good grammar though dude..cant comment on the content because i dont believe it.

EDIT: And about the streak, he pitched for BOTH Orton and Kane to end it, but they both declined. I dont think its his doing that he keeps his streak, because he constantly puts younger guys over and makes them look good.

[Box Car Rocco]

I agree with the bolded text although the main reaosn I dislike 'Taker is that his entrance takes forever.

[Uncle Joe]

Taker should be gone, but the guy is the man in the locker room, and he's the best striker in the WWE for the past few years, ever since Austin went down. Him, Vader, Brody are the top 3 big men of all time, so eat it. He took a fucking zombie gimmick and made it last for 15+ years, and has been an accepted Main Eventer when started.



But yeah, he needs to go, so fuck him.

[Tony Starx]

So I take it Mylee is your brother.

[YouMakeMeLeery]

I did not find anything wrong with your post, except the blatant fact that the premise itself is horribly wrong.

The Undertaker's Wrestlemania streak wasn't even a big deal until he had already been with the WWE and established for a long time. It is something that is unique to him, much the way Brett Favre will always be remembered for the most consecutive starts, but that doesn't mean that is all Brett Favre has going for him.

I think the reality is that The Undertaker is THE standard for all big men in wrestling, period.

In fact, I would go so far as to say that even if the streak never happened, The Undertaker would be a legendary main eventer and future hall of famer. It would probably be a bad idea to break the streak, but it is not all The Undertaker has.

In fact, I can tell you exactly what The Undertaker has.

Charisma.

He has the ability to connect with an audience. I've had a saying about Undertaker that I have been using for a while when discussing wrestling and it is this, "The Undertaker gets more cheers for doing less than any main eventer ever." Now, that could be construed as a negative or positive, I suppose, but he is loved by fans around the world. All he has to do is utter the words, "Rest in peace," and the fans will go nuts and leave the arena happy.

The Undertaker is now in such a position that he can basically make a great face into a heel for a single match if he is facing The Undertaker.

In fact, I think I can give more than a few examples.

Take the ten year anniversary of Smackdown this past friday. The Rock was getting a crazy loud response from the crowd, but when he mentioned how he "whipped The Undertaker's ass," the crowd began to boo him.

Take the career of Kane, which was established very early on basically because of The Undertaker, who took a completely fresh wrestler and made him a main eventer just by virture of interacting with him. The association with The Undertaker is the only reason Kane even exists. Go back and watch the reaction when Kane comes to help The Undertaker at the Royal Rumble where Undertaker faced Shawn Michaels and then listen to how quickly and fiercely the crowd turns on Kane when he turns on The Undertaker.

Take the case of Mick Foley. Another newcomer to the WWE audience that was basically shot up into the upper tier due to his feud with The Undertaker. In fact, Mick Foley might not have had the great career in the WWE that he had if he had not quickly established himself in his first feud with The Deadman. Especially, if The Undertaker had not thrown him off the HIAC...


Take the case of Brock Lesnar. A man who was a huge deal when he debuted, but truly it was his feud that ended in a HIAC match with The Undertaker which put him over the top.

In fact, Randy Orton may not be the man we know today were it not his great HIAC ending feud with The Undertaker.

The WWE trusts The Undertaker as a great first step for all future main eventers. Why? Because The Undertaker connects with a crowd in a way that almost no one else in the WWE past, present, or even future has been able to. It makes sense that all those looking to become big stars would go through The Undertaker. The WWE seems to believe, as I believe, that if someone can't get themselves noticed by the fans by feuding with The Undertaker, then they probably can't make it in the WWE at all.

The WWE will be a much more depressing place once The Undertaker finally does retire. Sure, he may be older now, but the crowd still gets more excited by The Undertaker's gong than by any million flashy moves that JoMo can whip out on any given night. Trust me, the crowd reaction that Undertaker vs. HBK got at WM is certainly something that will take a long time to get out of any of these young guys. The Undertaker is a class of wrestler that the WWE is sorely lacking right now (besides HBK) and that is people who know how to truly get the audience involved and excited. The WWE Universe will have a giant gaping hole that no current WWE main eventer can fill once the Deadman finally goes.

[Pinky]

Good column JB, although I do have to disagree with your notion that 'Taker is 'fucking useless'.

It was only 6 months ago when he put on one of the best matches of all-time with Shawn Michaels that went over 30 minutes. Just because his match with Punk only went 9 minutes doesn't mean he's past it. That match was meant to go longer but like a lot of the main events as of late had to be cut short due to other things running over time. It was also his first match in 5 and a half months and he probably wasn't 'match fit' so to say.

Yes his knees are shot to pieces but he can still go in the ring and put on fantastic matches. I wouldn't be surprised to see his bout with Punk be match of the night and I can guarantee it will go at least 20 minutes (unless other things overrun again).

Also I do agree with you that people who say that the Last Ride isn't with his gimmick are idiots but 'Taker did do the Last Ride properly on Michaels at 'Mania, and in every match he had with Edge last year. Big Show, Vladimir Kozlov & Batista are all too big for him to do it on and they are the three other feuds he's had over the last two and a half years along with Michaels & Edge.

[Freeman]

God damn you motherfucker! I was just working on a section to my next column which was similar to this, now I'm going to have to make it drastically different in order for it not to look like a copycat.

Anyway, this was pretty cool man, I liked the sensible logical approach and the "flaming" paragraph after it. I don't agree with you one hundred percent, but I'm sure you don't care. It's not the best column you've ever produced, but it was still solid and entertaining all the same. Nice one.

[FutureDonkey]

Now this is what I'm talking about JB!


As much as I love the Undertaker there is absolutely no fucking denying that he's past it, just like Shawn, Trips (well, he's not, but there are other reasons, "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan (huh?), Batista, Kane (), and any of the other old farts. I like some of them and I hate some of them, but either way, they need to go if the WWE is going to progress any farther. As of now, they've ground to a complete standstill and they're turning around to fucking slowly for my taste. It sucks really.


It may have been short, but I enjoyed the hell out of this, despite the cold, hard dose of reality.