Mental Episode One: *ghaaaarrrrrr...mraaarrrr...ghaaaaarrrrrr*

[FutureDonkey]

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A bird shat all over my car today. Feel the love.

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So the other day I was in the bathroom just doing my thing, and my “thing” that day just *clears throat* happened to be male grooming, which, as most of you might realize, automatically includes a little standard forehead shaving. I know you might think that that sounds disgusting or something but all it means is that I am extremely manly. You see, the manlier you are, the more hair grows everywhere. All of us have little *clears throat* hairs on our foreheads, but, let’s face facts, only a small number of us guys can actually grow shavible hair up there. You don’t have to feel bad about it though, it’s *clears throat* all cool, I’m sure you guys are fine being more in touch with your feminine side than I am. God I love being such a beast. Still, it can be a hard job; you wouldn’t know what it’s like.

Anyway, as I was saying *clears throat* before, I was in the bathroom doing my thing and then all of the sudden I get a text from my mom saying that I needed to check out this website, particularly the forums section. Only a few minutes later, after I was done shaving my forehead and getting to work on my eyelashes, my mom called me. I could tell she was upset in her text from the way she didn’t use any text smilies or anything, yet I never thought she was upset enough to actually call me. It took me a while to get her to stop crying. Once I did I was able to finally hear what she was saying and at that point I could tell that I definitely needed to check this site out. So after promising to go and eat out with her and her girlfriend at Olive Garden, I finished up plucking my eyelashes and then went over to my *clears throat* computer. Normally *clears throat* I don’t do this but I thought, to kind of get to guys more on my side, I would tell you a heartwarming story about my mom, to maybe get you to realize that I’m just an average working joe like the rest of you. Although I’m actually not and my mom told me I‘m smarter than most people, but still you get where I’m coming from here. Anyway, one Christmas, just after I had joined the active roster, I was at home and when I woke up she surprised me a good old fashioned Christmas dinner and even some presents too. Oh it was the best! She even let me masturbate while she had sex with her life partner, Shelly.

I’m sorry, I digress. As I sat down in my office chair, I typed in the name of this site and then yahooed it, finding first the main page, then clicking on the link for the forums.

You know, words can hurt anyone, even someone as genetically superior as me. Think about, even someone who is clearly better than anyone you’ll ever meet in your life, unless you meet me, is susceptible to words. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you. That is quite foolish, really. Think about it, what if words were invisible sticks and invisible stones and looked, because they’re invisible, exactly like words because you couldn’t see them, yet they hurt even though they are only words, which are actually merely sticks and stones that are invisible. That would hurt pretty badly if you, like *clears throat* me, got beaten with visible sticks and stones all the time and then you had to come home and fight an invisible enemy in words, which are supposedly just nothing, but, in reality, are invisible sticks and stones. Of course, that’s just hypothiosial, so we don’t really know.

OK, fine, I’ll *clears throat* admit it, you all got me, you all are right about me. I’m boring. Yep, it’s true. I’m extremely boring. Sometimes, while I’m pissing, I bore myself so much that I piss *clears throat* all over my leg; this is why I always wear dark jeans when I’m on Raw, because it’s live and therefore, unlike on SmackDown, they won’t be able to edit out the dark piss spots which are frequently on my pants since I pee a lot. My mom told me that I should stop looking at my pecker while I pee, but I just can’t stop. It’s a guy thing, you see, you wouldn’t understand, but I’ll explain anyway. Hardcore masculine guys like myself like to look at our peeners because it reinforces our masculinity by reminding us, or just me since I’m one of a kind, of our sheer male dominance and our ability to drive an iron stake into the ground with that thing. Currently, my only problem with *clears throat* my peener is that the peener-hole, which is where the piss comes from, seems to be getting larger as time goes by and it looks like it is splitting apart like a logger splitting a tree; my mom says it looks fine though, so I guess I don’t have anything to worry *clears throat* about.

Oh yeah, where was I? Right, yeah, listen I can be pretty boring at times and I get that some of you don’t think I’m very good in the ring, ’cause I’m not. He does this, then I do that, then he does this, and then I do that; yeah that does sound boring. But that isn’t that bad when you really sit down and think about it though. I mean, seriously, the other day when I was shopping for clothes with my mom and her new girlfriend I found some awesome designer jeans that I really like and so I bought them. They look great on me, just like those new shirts that I bought look great. You see, I apply the same method *clears throat* that I use in the ring to shopping and I get great clothes, so, obviously, even though I’m boring, I can get the job done better than most people.

Now I know that some of you think that I move really slowly in the ring partly to avoid getting injured again and partly because I just can’t move any faster, but this, however, is only a half truth. With my sinus medication that often leaves *clears throat* me in a fog, perhaps I should take Claritin, I do move pretty slowly and can’t move much faster than that or might get dizzy. But when I am slow in the ring it in no way has anything to do with me not wanting to get injured. There is simply no logic behind that. Think about it, I get injured all the time, hell I nearly bled to death this morning when I cut myself shaving and then I accidentally inhaled glue which made me feel rather funky after that; point is, I could have died. So, clearly, I am not moving slowly to take care of myself.

I have also read, extensively, that many of you dislike the fact that I have changed nothing about my ring entrance in, like, forever. The thing is, I like routine. You see, my mom has always taught me that *clears throat* routine is extremely important in my life and she has forced me into a certain routine that I can only change if I ask her and she permits it. For a long time I absolutely hated it, but when I got to the point I am in life I realized that she was right on the money the whole time. It’s much easier to do the same thing over and over again then to have to learn something new, and it’s not like I have to learn something new anyway, and besides, what if my new ring entrance doesn’t click with audience like my current one does, what then? Furthermore, you know those really cool moves I do at top of the ramp where I look like a total gangsta, well, I’ve only just recently gotten those down pat; it’s pretty difficult to time my moves with the pyro--a lot harder than you may think. I’m sorry I’m so much smarter than the rest of you


Now, are you readdy? This is the *clears throat* kicker: I don’t give a fuck. Yeah, its pretty simple and straightforward to tell you the truth. Listen, bitches, I soak my balls in expensive wine every goddamn night because Vinny *clears throat* Mac pays me to bore the living fuck out of people. Get it? I bore adults so badly that their legs go numb and by doing that I “put asses in seats”, bitches. As far as the kids go, well they eat up everything I do because they’re supposed to. Don’t you see how simple and logical all of this shit is. They’re dumbfuck kids, they don’t know any better; all they know is fact that they like me and that they want me to be the World Heavyweight Champion. So *clears throat* fucking what if I’m boring, the little kids love me, and Vince pays me to be this way. The more boring and generic I am the more the parents will have to hear “Oooh mommy, please, please buy me that shirt, I promise I’ll be a good little boy forever and ever” or “Ooooh daddy, pretty please buy me that action figure, I’ll never ask you to wipe my ass ever again if you buy it for me,” and the parents *clears throat* will give in and Vince will make more money and...ha, well it’s a vicious cycle, isn’t it? Another thing I thought I should mention is that I don’t, you know, actually give a fuck about what you think. I mean, really, why should I care that you think I’m boring, I’m one of the smartest motherfuckers you’ll ever meet, my mom is proud liberal lesbian, I’m a man in every sense of the word, and I work for the WWE. So, why would I care? Listen, you retarded *clears throat* internet fags, I’m going to go and get my cock blown by a new machine my mom bought and then I’m going to go and get a massage from some Chinese woman and then I’m going to soak my nuts in expensive wine and be done with my day...

Ah fuck, I got some more letters. Oh shit, it’s from the internet bitches. I guess I’ll bemuse myself with their silly little, inconsequential rantings.


Dear Dave,

Hi my name is Freeman, and the other day I accidentaly ate a badger. I felt bad at first, but after a while I realised that the badger was quite old, stale and boring, and that perhaps the world would better off without him. My question to you is, do you think that you are like the badger in that you are old, stale and boring?


Nah, actually I often envision myself as more of a lion. I am a beastly beast, my friend, I have big muscles and I dominate all who stand before me, and if I wanted to, I could have a mane, just like a lion. I mean, come on, you know you think of me as a big, tough male lion, and what with me being on Raw for so long in HD you could see every last sinewy striation of chest and back and especially my legs. I have some awesome hamstrings. They’re so fucking sexy, I sometimes take a bunch of pictures of them and *clears throat* then jack off all over them--just like a lion. Oh and, just like a male lion, I have harem of lionesses that get me my food, suck my ass, and get fucked by me. Believe me, I don’t just dominate women.


So, Big Dave, now that you've moved to Smackdown, not to win new Championships but to sleep with different divas, just how exactly do you plan on killing the push of a shit-load guys who are younger, and much BETTER, than you, such as CM Punk and Dolph Ziggler?

Yours sincerely,
Super Chrisss


See, this is what I don’t like about the internet, all these fuckers with with their internet psuedonyms or whatever the fuck word I’m looking for. I bet your mom don’t love you. Bitch. I don’t even think that’s your real name. As far as your question goes, I don’t think it really matters all that much about what I’m going to do. But if you really want to know, then yeah, I’m gonna be fucking Maria all night and she’s gonna be moaning and begging me to stop and keep going at the same time, and what are you going to be doing then? You’ll be sitting at home living your boring-ass life with your boring-ass dog watching boring-ass Raw, Smackdown, ECW, Superstars, and TNA, and those fucking hicks in Ohio and Tennessee will be watching ROH and you’ll all be doing this because you don’t have any lives worth living, and guess what, I don’t give a fuck! Yeah, I bet the kiddies wouldn’t cheer for me if they knew I was like this. Fuckers.


Since you won your first World title in 2005, you’ve never been too far from the main event scene. Dave, you appear to be unpopular amongst the IWC but, by and large, you remain consistently popular amongst WWE audiences over the past few years. With that being said, are you a prime example of how a wrestler with the right look & a positive crowd reaction can reach the top with seemingly limited wrestling abilities?

--Eoghan


Eeee--ooohhh *clears throat*--gaann. What the fuck type of name is that? Are you some sort of sissy reporter or something like that, don’t ask me such shitty question like that? Go and sit in the shower *clears throat* and spit up mucous on your hairless chest because you’re too lazy to spit it into your hand and then drop in the water; and then fart in the water and stick your finger in your ass and wiggle it in there and then masturbate at the same time and then get your goo all stuck in the hair on your legs. Yeah, your life sucks; mine doesn’t.


Dear Dave:

Assuming I have X-ray vision, at what time of day would the next Space Shuttle Launch occur?

--JohnnyBoomerang


Whoa. I don’t think I understand that at all. That’s cool, though, if I ever meet you I’ll rape you like I rape my Boston Terrier.


Yeah I hope you bitches are happy and I hope you all go to hell for the rest of your lives. Now I may have put you all in your proper places, but I haven’t said one thing that truly needs to be said. You see, the other day I was watching a program on the Discovery Channel about Yellowstone National Park and it had this cool segment about American *clears throat* Bison. I learned a lot of cool facts in that program, but I think the section about bison was something I could really connect with. You see, when one bison enters another male bison’s territory they both started rolling around on the ground creating dust clouds; whoever’s dust cloud is bigger is the male that the females fuck all night long. Well, guess what, bitches, I’m that male and I dominate everything and everyone, including you, so I hope you don’t mind me saying that my dust cloud is bigger than yours. One more thing, apparently when challenged bison also piss all over their dust cloud to mark their territory and assert their authority.

*proceeds to urinate all over computer and office chair*

Take that, you fuckers!

What? You don’t get it? Fine, you and that computer are dust on the ground, I just rolled in you and made you bigger, and just when you get big enough, then *clears throat* I piss all over like I used to do when I was a kid and I would go outside and run and wouldn’t want to go back inside to piss, so instead I would go to the side of the house and piss all over an ant hill.

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[Super Chrisss]

HAHAHA I loved it! I had no idea you were going to this sort of column, as I figured it would be a Q & A thingy. Good thing you decided to be original instead!

My one gripe was the *clear throat* bit. I understand why you used it so frequently but sometimes *clear thorat* it really messed up the *clear throat* flow of the column *clear throat*. You see what I mean?

A really good, funny column that took satire to a whole new level. Well done.

[steve bullshit]

so BATISTA is a "lesbian momma's boy"?

this was funny.

good work, 'Donkey

[Freeman]

Spendid stuff. The bison ending part was awesome.

Keep it up homie, but I'd also like to see you switch the styles up sometime too. This was cool though.

[Barney]

This was a good read. Very conversational. And even tho Big Dave was pleading with us, I felt no compassion for him. I do have to agree with the comment about the throat clearing, that was quite distracting, but as that was Dave and not you, that is just one more thing to complain about. Funny stuff.

[FutureDonkey]

Super Chrisss: Hey man, good to see I gave you a pleasant surpise. Believe me, you will never see me do anything standard, generic, or basic, so you don't have to worry about that. The *clears throat* bit was a problem I see, and all I can say about that is that I intentionally put it in places that would interrupt the flow of the column; however, I can now see that while it might have been humorous at first, if bogged down the column in other regards.

steve bullshit: Ha, yes, exactly what I was going for. BTW, his mom is actually a lesbian, from what I've read. Thanks for the read and feed.

Freeman: Yes, the bison part was awesome, I was quite pleased with myself for coming up with that little gem. As far as doing something different, well, never fear homie, different is coming your way in my next column.

Barney: Yep, it was meant to be conversational and yes, I too felt no compassion for the douchebag. Again, throat clearing shizzle duly noted; I thought it would come off better than it did, and instill in all of us even more hatred for Batista and his awkward throat clearing, but now that I read it again, it just doesn't work the best.

Thanks to all the feedbackers, you keep me going strong in my quest for columnal awesomeness.

[Andy]

Whilst your others may not have been my cup of tea, this was right on the money! I'm not quite sure what to make of the *clears throat* inclusion. On one hand, I think it was needed to add effect to the column, if you understand where I'm coming from. But on the other hand, it seemed unnecessary and superflous. I just don't know!

"A bird shat all over my car today. Feel the love."
^ What was this all about? I'm not sure if it added anything to the column.

Really good humour from start to finish and very well-written, so I can have no complaints.

[Uncle Joe]

Not bad youngin'.

[FutureDonkey]

Andy: Glad I finally won you over homebiscuits (ATTENTION: THIS IS OUR OWN PERSONAL PRIVATE HOMO JOKE; DO NOT INTERFERE, OR I WILL BE FORCED TO DO THINGS). The part about a bird shatting all over my car was simply me telling people that a bird defacated quite ferociously on my car. I was sharing personal stuff.

Uncle Joe: You have expanded my mind.

Thanks to all who read but didn't feedback, I still love you guys, even though I secretly hate you. Catch Mental Episode Two when I unveil it this weekend.

[Benjamin Button]

Donkey, I liked the repetition you used, going back to Batista’s hairiness and boringness and his weird relationship with his mother. You kept it entertaining, humorous, and above all things believable.

Just be wary of dropping words, as I noticed you did that a little more than a few times. I thought the throat clearing was alright, but not when you used it more than once in a paragraph, especially 2 sentences in a row. Also, is it just me or did you post these columns really close together? If I’m wrong, I apologize, but I felt like I had just read your other two therefore it took me awhile to read this one. Close to a week is a good amount of time to space your columns out. That gives us time to digest your last one and anticipate your next one.

I thought this was good and I see plenty of potential in you. I only have two more things to point out.

Dear Dave:

Assuming I have X-ray vision, at what time of day would the next Space Shuttle Launch occur?

--JohnnyBoomerang


Whoa. I don’t think I understand that at all. That’s cool, though, if I ever meet you I’ll rape you like I rape my Boston Terrier.

Hilarious!

Yeah I hope you bitches are happy and I hope you all go to hell for the rest of your lives. Now I may have put you all in your proper places, but I haven’t said one thing that truly needs to be said. You see, the other day I was watching a program on the Discovery Channel about Yellowstone National Park and it had this cool segment about American *clears throat* Bison. I learned a lot of cool facts in that program, but I think the section about bison was something I could really connect with. You see, when one bison enters another male bison’s territory they both started rolling around on the ground creating dust clouds; whoever’s dust cloud is bigger is the male that the females fuck all night long. Well, guess what, bitches, I’m that male and I dominate everything and everyone, including you, so I hope you don’t mind me saying that my dust cloud is bigger than yours. One more thing, apparently when challenged bison also piss all over their dust cloud to mark their territory and assert their authority.

Brilliant!

[XanMan]

Hahahahahahahahahah!

[FutureDonkey]

Benjamin Button: Thanks man. I was sure I had no grammatical errors this time around, but alas, 'tis hard to be perfect. Yes, those are definitely two of my favorite quotes; they should probably be in the Bible.

XanMan: I always enjoy making people laugh, so I'm glad I did my job here. That feedback gave me a good lift, Xan.

[Mister E]

funnf stuff FD, it took me a while to get round to it but when I did it was worth it.

Whoa. I don’t think I understand that at all. That’s cool, though, if I ever meet you I’ll rape you like I rape my Boston Terrier.

Dude where do you come up with something like that?

the *clears throat* thing might have been a tad over-used but all in all this was solid. Keep em comin, you're on fire my friend!

[FutureDonkey]

Eoghan: Hey man, I'm glad you could get around to it, always nice to get your feedback! When I wrote it, that Boston Terrier line didn't seem all that awesome to me, but now that I think about it, yeah, it's pretty messed up, but in a good way. I seriously have no idea where I came up with it, and the same goes for half the stuff I write.

Thanks again to everyone!