Beyond The Walls #25 - Look Who's On TV!

[Super Chrisss]

Helllo, um, YOU! Welcome to the silver anniversary of BTW. It feels like it was just last week that I was posting my 20th edition and yet Father Time has decieved me once again. Tricky bastard. So put on your dancing shoes, kick that hooker out of bed, and stop googling "Jeff Hardy arrested", because frankly, who cares?

I am sick and tired of people calling Kofi Kingston a crappy champion. You may not feel the same way, but there's alot of people out there, mainly IWCers, who feel that Kofi is an undeserving US Champion who is adding little to no prestige to the belt. If you feel this way, then you are WRONG! Before Kofi even won the title, the US Championship was as good as dead. Shelton Benjamin's 20-month reign (or something like that) did nothing to help his career. The only reason his reign felt like an eternity was because he was doing nothing with the title. I can count the number of people Shelton defended the title against on one hand: Gregory Helms, R-Truth, and MVP. Wow, I only needed three fingers. I can also count the number of times Shelton defended the belt on Pay-Per-View. If a wwe.com preview match doesn't count, then it would be either one or zero. Nice. Once MVP ended Shelton's reign from hell, he didn't do much better with it. The US title was regarded as secondary as opposed to the Money In The Bank match, so most people forgot MVP was the champion at the time and stopped caring about the title's significance.. People also stopped caring about MVP around this time. Sad but true.

Thankfully, once MVP was drafted to RAW he almost immediately lost the title to Kofi Kingston, who was looking to make up for an over-looked Intercontinental title reign last summer. Putting the belt on young Kofi was one of the best ideas WWE had all year, no joke. Ever since winning the US Championship back in June, Kofi has taken on one opponent after another. In three short months, he's already had seven successful title defences, compared to Benjamin (not Button) who had defended his title fewer times in less than a year. As I already mentioned, Benjamin had solely three or four title contenders during his reign, while Kofi has successfully defended against Primo, Carlito, The Miz, Jack Swagger, Big Show, and MVP. All Kofi has to do is defeat Mark Henry and he'll have basically defeated the entire RAW mid-card division. How's that for dominant? Say what you want about Kofi Kingston, but don't ever call him a crappy US Champion, because that he is not.

Woo Woo Woo! You know it! Well, what do you know? If you bothered to watch last Tuesday's ECW, you'll be surprisingly pleased to see that Zack Ryder came from nowhere to win a Battle Royal to become the new number one contender for the ECW Championship. Now wait a minute, didn't somebody in these very forums write a column not too long ago predicting that Ryder would become the ECW Champion before we know it? Oh yes, I do believe it wasI who wrote that very column! Damn, I'm good! While I'm not expecting Ryder to win the title on his first attempt, it is nice to see Vince having some confidence in the former Edgehead to main-event his ''other'' show. As I explained in my column, Ryder can talk the talk and walk the walk, so if Regal won't be the one to dethrone Christian, Ryder isn't a bad choice either. Oh, you know it!

Montreal Screwjob #3? Not many people in these forums are happy with the way CM Punk defended his Championship at Breaking Point. Honestly though, it was the smart thing to do. I know people bitch and moan about WWE's obsession with screwing over Montreal fans at every PPV (Survivor Series '97, No Way Out '03), but I thought that this was the only city where Vince could get away from it. Had Breaking Point taken place in any other city in North America, the ending would have confused fans and would have been a piss-poor way to end a PPV event. However, us Montreal fans are not your average wrestling fans. We invented the ''2!'' cry, chanted ''Shut the fuck up!'' to Dolph Ziggler (when's the last time you heard that on PG programming), and we cheer for whoever the hell we want to. I'd even go as far as to say that Montreal fans are just behind NYC and Philly fans in terms of crowd unruliness and creativity. Therefore, having the ''screwjob'' take place in Montreal might have angered many fans at home and at the arena, but it was clever thinking, no doubt about it. By the way, did the ''I Blocked Miz on Twitter'' sign show up on camera? Funny stuff.

Thinking Bigger & Better

It's no secret to most wrestling fans that Vince McMahon wants wrestling (WWE at least) to be main-stream again. He wants wrestling to once again be associated with sports, much like UFC currently is. He wants his show's ratings to go shoot back into the 5's and 6's. He wants people to be proud of wrestling and for guys like John Cena, Triple H, and Undertaker to be household names like The Rock, Andre The Giant, and Hulk Hogan once were. In attempting to do so Vince has featured well-known celebrities such as Donald Trump, Mickey Rourke, and Bob Barker on his programming, whether it be as a guest host of RAW or a cameo appearance at Wrestlemania. In fact, Vince's idea of having a different celebrity host RAW every week has been fairly successful, as RAW's ratings have been slowly but steadily increasing over the past few weeks.

In theory, Vince may have the right idea, but he's got it going the wrong away around. He believes that showcasing celebrities on wrestling programs are going to attract more viewers, but it's not. 98% of the people who tune into RAW every week are wrestling fans - they're tuning in to watch wrestling and be entertained, not watch Jeremy Piven parade his latest Suckluster movie. Rather than having a celebrity come to RAW every week, the reverse should be occurring. Why not have WWE superstars make cameos on other television shows to attract more viewers instead?

As many of you may know, this is not a new theory. Back when people still watched Fear Factor, not one but two episodes were exclusive to WWE superstars and divas. These episodes may have aired years ago, but wrestling was still rather popular at the time (i.e. RAW's ratings rarely went lower than a 5). As a matter of fact, seeing Lita and Jeff Hardy digest cow hearts on Fear Factor was one of the main reasons I started tuning into wrestling more frequently, in order to see celebrities that can be just as normal as the rest of us. I'm pretty sure I wasn't alone in this concept as following WWE-themed episodes of Fear Factor and The Weakest Link, wrestling was a hot-topic at my school again, and statistics show that WWE's ratings saw an increase of viewership.

I recently read that Dolph Ziggler, Maria, and Eve Torres have filmed a week's worth of episodes for CBS's Deal or No Deal, and I couldn't stop laughing about how stupid Vince was. Not only is he sending one of his future young stars and two of his prettiest divas to a show that isn't as popular as it was two years ago, but they won't even play a prominent role on the show! Maria and Eve will be two of the briefcase girls, which means you probably won't even know they're actually there, and Ziggler will be playing 'the banker', who never shows his face. So rather than using these three superstars as contestants to try and gain WWE some publicity on another network and a different audience, Ziggler and the girls are stuck being cronies. Smart move Vince.

Since Vince doesn't have a clue as to what shows are hot and which ones are not nowadays, here are some television shows where a cameo by a WWE superstar or diva would be pretty entertaining:

The Simpsons have been around for more than twenty years. The WWE can gloat all they want about RAW having more episodes than The Simpsons, but there's no denying that Homer, Bart, Lisa, and the rest of the gang are more well-known than Cena, Triple H, Batista, and the rest of the WWE Superstars.

So rather than butting heads, why not have a WWE superstar make an appearance on a Simpsons episode? Hell, just like RAW nowadays, every single episode of The Simpsons seems to feature a new character (usually voiced by a celebrity). I don't know about you, but I wouldn't mind seeing an animated, yellow-skinned version of The Miz on The Simpsons. He'd probably fit right in! The show's writers and artists could have loads of fun "Simpsonizing" Jack Swagger and his teeth or Carlito with his 'fro. It's just for one episode, so why not?

Many well-known celebrities have guest-starred on past Simpsons episodes, either to promote their latest music album or to poke fun at themselves. U2, Bill Clinton, and even the late Michael Jackson have all guest-starred on past episodes so a wrestling cameo would be pretty cool. If exectued properly, the average Simpsons fan could say "Hey that Miz guy is awfully funny! And he's a wrestler? I have to see him in real-life". Just like that, the RAW audience has gained a new member, and hopefully many more. Whether The Simpsons fans who tune into RAW, Smackdown or ECW the following week become a permanent member of the WWE Universe or not isn't in the hands of Matt Groening or any of the other Simpsons producers. It's now WWE's turn to give their new and old audience a reason to keep watching.

It's a real shame that Mohammed Hussan and Daivari no longer work for the WWE as they would have played the evil terrorist role to perfection. But I digress.

24, believe it or not, has been competing against RAW for years now. As we all know, in North America, 24 plays on FOX television from 9:00-10:00, and RAW goes from 9:00-11:00, both on Monday nights. So for all those wrestling fans who are also fans of Jack Bauer's Triple-H-like superhuman powers, they have to decide between watching one hour of 24 and two hours of wrestling for about three months a year. As a fan of both programs, I can tell you that is not an easy choice to make.

Since the dummies who work at FOX studios probably have no clue whatsoever that they've been competing against RAW for almost a decade now, why doesn't Vince capitalize on this opportunity by sending one of his superstars or divas to guest-star in an episode or even an entire season of 24? Kelly Kelly would be a great choice as Jack Bauer's daily (as in all season-long) love interest, as she can interpreted as a genius agent in disguise, or as another dumb blonde. Both work. John Cena could even play the role as Bauer's partner; a man willing to take risks, and hated by most of his country despite his heroic actions and work ethics. Hell, that role would fit Cena to a tee.

Whoever does appear on 24 would not only remind viewers that wrestling is currently playing on another channel and might be worth switching to, but that there are much hotter women than Kelly Kelly who wrestle on Monday nights. I think.

The show may be in a bit of a decline as of late, and the storylines more wacky than an episode of iMPACT, but the ratings show that people are still watching LOST. The average episode contains a bunch of flashbacks to a chracter's past life, which would be perfect for a WWE superstar making a one-off appearance.

I may not be up to date with the show's happenings, but if they are still stranded on a jungle-like island, than Carlito would be the best guy to get LOST. He has proven in recent weeks that not only does refuse to cut his 'fro, but he doesn't like shaving either. His facial hair is almost as bad as Mike Knox's! That being said, Carlito could be discovered by the castaways on a remote section of the island hanging in a hammock, eating none other than (you guessed it!) an apple. After showing the viewers a flashback from the week before, Carlito would explain to the other castaways that he swam all the way from the Caribbean, and to avoid starvation, resorted to cannibalism by eating his little brother Primo. The LOST castaways would be so horrified by Carlito's actions that they would hang him by the neck with his own hammock, pick up his apple, spit in his face, and leave the Caribbean superstar for 'dead', showing the viewers that they are a group of violent, but strong people.

LOST is almost a household name in most North American cities, so some exposure to the wrestling world wouldn't hurt. Maybe Evangeline Lilly (Kate) could host RAW one day in return. Now that would be cool!

Sorry boys, as much as you may want to vomit, I must discuss this show. While I assure all of you that I have never watched a single episode of Gossip Girl in my entire life (and never will for that matter), I am fully aware that many teenage and young women are HUGE fans of this program. WWE wishes to attract more female fans to their audience so what better way to get some than by having some superstars and divas make a cameo in the average American girls' favorite show?

While Kelly Kelly, Michelle McCool, and Maria are too ditsy to make a nice appearance, Melina, Eve Torres, or even Gail Kim would make great "Gossip Girls". They're strong and sexy, hot but not beautiful, and would attract female AND male viewers (likely homos) to WWE programming. Female viewers would watch the divas at home and admire them for being able to act and wrestle without ruining their hair. They would have a great deal respect for the divas and therefore be more inclined to watch them perform and wrestle on Monday and Friday nights.

However, not only divas can make cameos on Gossip Girl. There are many attractive guys who appear on the show every week (no homo) so having someone like Cody Rhodes show up for an episode or two would be a dream come true for all female, teenage wrestling fans. Chances are that Cody wouldn't be deemed as 'hot' by the older women who watch Gossip Girl, (my girlfriend can attest to that by the way) but surely some girls will find Cody attractive. All he needs to do is dress the same way he does on RAW (shirt-less and with a boner in his pants), and the girls will be pleased.

Gossip Girl may not be the most manly show on television, but then again, wrestling isn't an all-girl sport either. Vince has to remember that he may have to give a little, including his pride, but he may end up getting alot in return, such as a herd of horny female viewers tuning in to see a bunch of guys in tights touch each other for an hour and a half. Ratings are everything, Vince!

No matter which television program WWE superstars and/or divas end up making a cameo appearance for, ratings are sure to follow. As long as Vince & company follow this simple method, nothing can go wrong. People aren't going to tune into RAW because they went to wwe.com and found out that Bob Barker will be hosting; they'll tune into RAW because that funny wrestling guy who was on The Simpsons showed them that wrestling can be entertaining. As long as Vince keeps pushing his employees to other programs, there's no reason that the WWE can't go main-stream again. It may take some time, and alot of cross-promotion, but it is possible. The ball is squarely in Vince's court, and no one else's.

....


So there you have it, haters. The 25th edition of BTW locked and loaded. Chances are you disagree with 99% of what I just said, and if you do, then thank-you. I enjoy complicating your boring little lives.

University is alot harder and studious than you may think, so if I pull a disappearing act on you suckers sometime soon, please don't call 9-1-1. I am simply reading and re-reading Beowulf, which is more boring than it sounds, trust me.

So until next time, keep your money in your pockets and your under-pants under your pants, and be good. Super Chrisss out!

[Freeman]

I think this is actually a pretty good idea. WWE do their best to cross over into the mainstream, but sometimes I wonder if they're doing enough to interest casual fans in the product. A cross promotion with these shows, or even other similar ones would be potentially great, but I have to think that WWE might have already thought of this, and got turned down.

Still, it was a nice piece of "fantasy booking" if you like Chrisss! It was a fun column and hey, we can all dream right? I liked this, and it was a pretty cool idea, so well done.

[Andy_Savana]

The Rock as a guest on the Simpsons?

That would rock my socks.

I now actually enjoy reading your columns. Congrats.

[Andy]

There were errors here and there which I am sure you will spot if you read this over again, so there’s no real pointing in me drawing attention to them. This was a really good piece and I enjoyed every second of it. And whether it was intentional or not, I found this to be somewhat humorous. It’s safe to say that I enjoyed this much more than your last two, but the errors stopped this from going to the next level, which is a real shame. Beowulf? Ugh. I know how you must be feeling right now. Overall, this was nice; very nice. Well-done on getting to #25.

[Andy_Savana]

fuck Beowulf. Got to read that shit in English 4 right now.

[FutureDonkey]

Solid shit, man. Funny thing is, unlike other people, I didn't really notice any mistakes here, which is unusual since I'm usually the first to say "Oh-em-gee u made stinkeez," or something like that anyway.

What I like about your narative voice is that it always seems like you're actually talking to me, which is a good thing, I think.

I like the idea, as well, although it should be mentioned that the 'E tried this a while ago with MVP's aforementioned shitty US Title reign and, as I recall, they brought shizang to the...to the View. Hmm, perhaps that's why it didn't work. Funny.

Anyway, good idea and I do think it might work (although it wouldn't work for me, cause I'm smart like that) if they just pick popular shows for their target audience rather than journalisticly bankrupt shows like the View that only sex-starved soccor moms watch.

Oh and Beowulf is much less, how do I put it, good, than I thought it would be. And I'm the type of person that can usually appreciate boring stuff.

[Uncle Joe]

I like these ideas, and I liked the column.


BUT KOFI KINGSTON SUCKS DICK. Sure he's fighting champion, doesn't make you a good one. All he does is leap around, do his gay leg drop and then TIP, so fuck him. He's an extremely poor imitation of RVD, and that nigga was just ok.

[Jason Boy]

Nice Job, when I read the title I thought you were gonna do a whole breaking point live thing since you got tickets. While I was surprised, this was a great job. BTW Zack Ryder will be fired before the royal rumble

[Andy]

Originally Posted by FutureDonkey

Solid shit, man. Funny thing is, unlike other people, I didn't really notice any mistakes here, which is unusual since I'm usually the first to say "Oh-em-gee u made stinkeez," or something like that anyway.

"title's significance.. People"-- Two full-stops? And should it not be "titles' significance"? Eh maybe not; I'm unsure.

"I do believe it wasI who wrote"

"(when's the last time you heard that on PG programming)"-- No question mark

I think there was one after that but I couldn't be bothered to find it.

[FutureDonkey]

Originally Posted by Andy

"title's significance.. People"-- Two full-stops? And should it not be "titles' significance"? Eh maybe not; I'm unsure.

"I do believe it wasI who wrote"

"(when's the last time you heard that on PG programming)"-- No question mark

I think there was one after that but I couldn't be bothered to find it.

I wasn't insulting you noticing mistakes or anything, I was paying Super Chrisss a compliment for writing a column with such a pleasing narrative that I failed to remember any errors at the end of my read. Now that you mention it I in fact recall noticing the first and second errors, still I enjoyed it enough that it didn't matter to me at the end.

[Andy]

No no no, I know you wern't. I was simply showing you the errors.

Sorry for spamming.

[Anthrax]

Bret did an episode of the Simpsons.

[Box Car Rocco]

The Big Show recently appeared on "Are You Smarter Then a 5th Grader" and Double J appeared on Rove down under. Batista has also appeared on the soap opera Neighbours in the past year but apart from that, there's really no one else I can think of that has appeared on Aussie T.V.

I did like this column as I love ideas like this, your voice made it that much more easier/fun to read too. Grats on 25 as previously said, hopefully their's 25 more to come.

[Glacier]

You may be happy that Ryder is going for the ECW title..but i sure am not. He is nowhere near ready to hold any title..and i cant stand him. his woo woo woo. fuck him.

If he wins..i'll riot.

[Super Chrisss]

Supa Feedback time, bros!

Freeman - How do we know that WWE are really trying that hard to promote? I mean, Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader, Deal Or No Deal and The View are popular shows and all, but they're like the majority of RAW's guest hosts: B-, C+ programs. So maybe WWE aren't even trying as hard as they should be to get on the mainstream's "A" shows. Either way, thanks for the feedback dude.

Andy_Savana - Ha I can imagine him doing The People's Eyebrow. That would be epic! Thanks for the compliment.

Andy - I think you spell-check not just your own columns but everyone else's as well Seriously, thanks for pointing out those damn errors. Truth be told, I had copied and pasted my work onto my Word Processor, proof-read it and checked the spelling there, but when I re-copied it to LOP some of the errors didn't go away. Strange, I'll have to be more careful. I'm glad you liked it and thanks for the advice!

FutureDonkey - Everyone makes mistakes dude, but not everyone will notice them so it's all good. I'm glad you liked the column's concept and yeah MVP and that fat bitch from The View was worse than seeing Mae Young & Mark Henry together. Thanks for the feedback and LOL @ sex-starved soccer moms

Both Andys & FutureDonkey - Readings Beowulf in University is no walk in the park, thhat's for sure. At least I have two lecture and conference classes to attempt to help me in it's damn understanding. But it's still a pain in the ass though!

Uncle Joe - Thanks for liking my column, and I apologize for setting you off on anti-Kofi rant. Persoanlly, I like the guy, and I can see a bit of RVD in him, but as long as he stays off the pot, he is cool in my book.

Jason Boy - Well, I guess I just SURPISED you then! Why the hell would Ryder be fired before the Rumble, or anytime soon? Tonight he gets a shot at the ECW title, and he has been having stellar matches at house shows as of late. So why would WWE fire one of their young, upcoming stars?

Anthrax - I forgot about that episode! Still, Bret does not wrestle anymore so it would not make much sense to feature him in ane pisode today. Funny picture though.

Box Car Rocco - I don't know about in Australia, but in North America all these shows are definitely considered 'C' shows, which backs up my point that WWE needs to start thinking more mainstream. Anyways, I'm glad you liked it and thanks for the best of 25, you're getting there soon enough yourself!

Glacier - I guess we're from opposite sides of the coin, then. As much as I love Christian, he doesn't need the Championship as much as Ryder or even Regal or Ezeikel does. So if he does win tonight, go ahead and riot, and I will laugh

[Benjamin Button]

Great come back from last week, Chriss! This had me into it from start to finish.

I couldn't stand Kofi, the first time I saw him, when he beat Jericho for the IC title. That being said, he's grown on me. Whether you like him or not, as you pointed out, the US title means a little something on him, and meaningfulness is rare for a mid card title, these days.

Cena on 24 would be AWESome. Kelly Kelly could be great, as I believe Mr. Sutterman has it in his contract that he is to have a fresh piece of ass every week. Great work! Fuck Gossip Girl. I hope you're telling the truth about having never seen it.

[Super Chrisss]

Benjie B - Thanks alot dude! I've seen Kofi compete ever since his days on ECW, so he's all-grown up in my eyes. Whether Cena OR Kelly make it on 24, they would both be great choices. I'd still prefer Kelly of course Despite Gossip Girl playing 5 hours a day on MuchMusic, I have never watched 30 seconds of it. I swear!

[Barney]

Good read! Very funny and full of substance. One would think if guest hosts were appearing on RAW so frequently that the superstars of WWE might get invited to other shows...

Soon I will have four papers due in very close proximity, so I know what you mean about the University. Keep your head up, dude.

[Super Chrisss]

Barney - I'm glad you liked it man. Like I mentioned, they're probably not invited because the majority of pop culture still hasn't accepted wrestling back into it's bubble. These are great ways to reverse that decision, however. University is a hell of alot harder than College, and I am now finding that out the hard away. We can do it! Thanks for the feedback dude.

[Phoenix Rising]

You see, I am going to be different. I will not rip your column for a few grammatical errors, because we all make them. I am not going to say "Great job! I loved it!", seeing as how I have yet to something of yours that I have not liked.

I however, am simply going to list my disagreements to this column.

1. Kofi defeated Big Show by DQ, not something I'd be parading around.
2. I love Zack Ryder's gimmick, but he is no no no no no no nowhere ready to hold a World Title and probably won't be ready for several years.
3. I think it would be a bad idea for WWE to send a superstar to make a cameo on 24, because casual fans watch shows like that just to see the wrestler on screen, and I think RAW would end up losing more viewers than it would gain.
4. Back to Kofi, He has not had a solid fued with anyone since gaining the belt. Yeah, he defends it in 3, 4, and 6 way matches, but that does nothing to improve the title's prestige if we never get to see him defend the championship one-on-one. He has (to my knowledge) only two one-on-one defenses, and one of them was just a filler match to replace Ziggles/Morrison at Breaking Point. Just my opinion.

But continuing as my favorite column to read, I thank you for welcoming me back, and for your continuing dominance in the CF.

P.S. - I love your signature (no homo). Take that, you JUNKIES!

[Super Chrisss]

Pheonex Rising - Thank you for the 'different feedback'. I will try and respond to your arguments as best as I can.

1. I too wouldn't be tood proud, but hey, a win's a win, right?
2. Give the guy a few years and he'll make it. My main purpose of the Ryder column was to let people know he wasn't going to be another DJ Gabriel or be released from his contract anytime soon. Still, an ECW Championship reign wouldn't hurt
3. That's a good point about WWE losing viewers to 24. Maybe we should crap that point then...
4. Poor Kofi. Some people say that the better champion wins more matches one-on-one, while others say it's more impressive for a champion to retain his or her title in multi-man matches. Either way, I like Kofi as champion, and that's the bottom line.

Thanks for the feedback!

[Roger Murtaugh]

Gregory Helms should be a lead detective on Dexter.

Creative idea, and a more than acceptable silver edition.



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Now playing: Protest The Hero - Blindfolds Aside (Live)
via FoxyTunes

[The Maz]

This was a very fun columns Chrisssssssssssssssssss. Well written, interesting idea and it seems there could be more to this. I wouldn't do it just now though. What I like about your series is the way you switch up your styles. You never know what you are going to get with BTW which always keeps things fresh.

[XanMan]

Super Chri s-cubed, this was pretty cool. I love the idea and I think you're onto something. I didn't see any errors, either, which is pretty awesome. This may be the best I've read from you yet.

[Super Chrisss]

Doc Monk - Dude, Dexter is probably the best show on teleivsion today, but it is seriously under-rated (literally). Why that series isn't on NBC in primetime every week is beyond me. Thanks for the feedback!

Mazzzzzzzzzza - Well thank you for the compliments. I try not to be a one-trick pony as much as possible so I'm glad some people are glad that I switch up my style as much as I do. Glad you liked it bro.

XanMan - LOL at the nickname. Thanks for the appraisal, but Andy found about four errors, so I'm not THAT good, spelling and grammar wise. Since you missed them I hope that means you were really into the column! Thanks alot for the feedback.