The Boomerang Prophecies XXXV: Smackdead!

[Martin Riggs]

THE BOOMERANG PROPHECIES XXXV: SMACKDEAD!

Hello children! How are we today? I feel like a king! Not that you’ve asked, but I felt it necessary to share with you. That’s right, in an uncharacteristic move, Johnny Boomerang (aka J-Boom, aka JB, aka Boom, aka Johnny B, aka Dr. B, aka The Doctor of Boomanomics, aka Bizoom, aka The Sensei of Boomitude, aka He of Gratuitous Nicknames) has decided to indulge you with a selfish first paragraph. Actually, I haven’t, I just felt like writing out a shitload of nicknames. Okay, so last time I carefully analysed the Raw Roster, using an intricate selective method to decide who would survive a Zombie Apocalypse! Let’s recap, shall we?


So here’s what happened… two asteroids collided over Earth, sending down an amalgam of toxic waste materials, covering a portion of the planet. That’s right, it’s a Zombie Apocalypse! Typical, eh? So, the obvious questions on everybody’s lips… who’d survive??? We can obviously write off all of the Diva’s, as they’ve proved themselves to be about as useful and capable as a rash, in recent weeks/months/years/sports entertainment companies. Except Betty Phoenix, I think she’ll kick some Z-Ass! But still, we should delve deeper and look at the true survivors of the WWE.


Right, so I guess we’d better get on to the other roster then. ’But Johnny!’ I hear you cry, ’What about ECW?’ Well? What about ECW? I mean, really, who’s taking that brand seriously anymore? I hate to hitchhike onto the ECW-Bash-Bandwagon, but it’s already here and I‘ve got places to be! So let’s take a looksie-poo at the roster of blue, shall we?

SMACKDOWN!

Smackdown! is home to:
22 Male Superstars,
5 Non-active Male Characters,
1 Jimmy Wang Yang.


Okay, let’s start with the one everyone’s looking forward to… Matt Hardy. You dead, Matthew! That’s right, nobody really likes you that much, you don’t seem to be going anywhere, and your brother (whom some might say has been influential in allowing you to keep your position in the company) is no longer of any use. That’s right, your number’s pretty much up, Matty-boy. And you can take all of those stupid gimmicks/catchphrases with you! ‘Sensei of Mattitude’? It was good while it lasted, but GONE! ‘Matt Hardy Version 1’? Interesting for a bit, but nonetheless GONE! ‘I Will Never Die!’ Catchy, but all the same-

-wait a second. Never die? Shit. Why choose that as a slogan when you knew I was going to do a column like this? Dammit Matthew! Ugh, fine, just like Burger King, looks like you’re going to have it your way.


You know how there are just some kick-ass main-event guys on Smackdown? (Smackdown!?… Seriously, how do I write this?) kick-ass main-event guys on the Blue Brand? Well these people have actually MET them! And, sadly, that’ll probably be a career highlight for Curt Hawkins, Jesse and Kung-Fu Naki. Unlike Sum-41’s album, these guys are All Filler, No Killer. Peace.


There are some people I just love. Like, really, unequivocally, unconditionally love. Regardless of what they’re doing, whether they’re genuinely performing awfully, it doesn’t matter. To me, it’s gold. It’s win, in the purest of forms. The ground they walk on is hallowed and sacred. The kind of person that, when they do something actually awesome, you feel the most enormous sense of pride. The kind of superstar that, when others declare their fandom, you’re filled with jealousy, wondering why they would dare steal your superstar. And then there are others that I just fucking hate. Genuinely, irrationally dislike, to the point where I’ll insult them if they even dare to stain my screen with their image. The kind of superstar that although you dream of them getting squashed and de-pushed, sent to the lowest of lows in the company, they always seem to eke out a win, just to spite you. Just to wind you up and taunt you with their existence. The kind of person that, no matter the deed, no matter the honest, hardworking and exciting nature of their existence, you will never like them.

And then there’s Charlie Haas. It’s not that you don’t like him, it’s just that… well, you don’t care! He is a man capable of making the crowd feel extreme indifference. A master of frantic nonchalance, a true maestro, capable of conducting unconditional meaninglessness. The only way he could get any more average would be to change his ring attire to an exciting shade of beige. And really, wouldn’t it seem like a bit of a waste to give him a spot on Team Life? It’s not that I want you to die, Charlie. I just don’t want you to live at the expense of someone I care about, in some way! Sorry, old bean. You’re just too vanilla for me to care!

Looks like we won’t be seeing him any time soon. Which is good, he was starting to get on my nerves. If I were to quote my father:

“Son, the first time someone calls you a horse, you punch them in the nose.
The second time someone calls you a horse, you call them a jerk.
The third time someone calls you a horse, well, you should probably buy yourself a saddle.
But if someone calls you a horse many times, you shoot that motherfucker.”

Thanks dad.


I like Kane. In a wrestling sense, he’s a decent big man, a loyal company guy (even through some really awful stuff) and a solid worker. In a post-apocalyptic sense he’s a good lookout, a strong lad, and he seems quite intelligent. Also, he’ll throw on that mask again and you can bet that it’ll make zombies think twice before attacking! In fact, it’s looking more and more that Kane seems to be the perfect all-rounder for this scenario! Of course, Triple H made Team Raw, so there’s no way Kane would make it. Bad luck, old sport.


We need to start thinking about this logically. Zombies are attacking. How can we distract them, so that others can live? We need to give them a lot of meat, so to speak. But where? Oh, hi JR! How are you? No, I’m fine, just hoping you’d let me strap you into a chair. But it’s part of a magic trick I’ve been practicing. No, it’s perfectly fine, Jim, Todd Grisham let me practice earlier, after all, he’s your partner in crime, he comes with any deals you’re involved in! Anyway, he’s safe and sound now, or at least, he should be. Yeah, it’s just duct tape, nothing that’s going to hurt. Yeah, I’ve got to go round a bunch of times, otherwise you might be able to get out! And if you get out, you might lead them to us! No, shh, it’s okay Jim, you’re doing a brave thing. Really, I respect what you’ve done for us, I do. Bye Jim.


The black guy apparently always dies first. We don’t want to offend anyone by breaking with tradition so… see ya, Teddy! Why you? Well all the other black guys are wrestlers. You? You’ve just got a big suit on. You look like you’re doing a high school play, where the costumes don’t quite fit. Grow up a bit, Theodore, for goodness sake! What’s the point of buying clothes to grow into, if you’re not going to grow into them? Some people, eh?


Whoops! I almost forgot about the Hart Dynasty…

…

Meh.


“My name’s Finlay, and I love to fight!”

Dug your own grave, there, didn’t ya?


If this was an attack of the trees, and they all needed to be cut down, then Mike Knox would be absolutely perfect! Of course, there isn’t, so he’s not. And as R-Truth always says: “Shad > Knox”.

Thanks R-Truth.

Although, calm down everyone, don’t get too excited just yet, because R-Truth is also often known to say: “JTG > Shad”.

Again, thanks R-Truth. So sad that the two members of Cryme Tyme were pitted against each other, but that seems to be how tag-teams break up anyway. The thing is that most of the time it doesn’t really work, and people just don’t enjoy seeing two former team-mates go after one another.

“JTG > R-Truth”.

You’re an idiot, Truth.


There comes a time in every boy’s life when he realises that he has become a man. Jimmy Wang Yang is yet to have that moment.


Y’know, Dolph Ziggler is okay. A little neo-Nazi, but tolerable, even if he does push his hair back about a thousand times per Smackdown! But still, I don’t really think it’s going to be enough to-

MyLee: -DON'T YOU DARE! I sat back and took it when you killed Kung Fu Naki, but I can't watch you damn my beloved Mr. Ziggles without saying anything! Dolph Ziggler is the most promising youngster on Smackdown right now. He's young, he's cocky, he's had two awesome theme songs and, as a young, virile sex machine, is definitely in the best position to give Beth Phoenix the ramming of a lifetime she needs to keep the human race going. But much, much more importantly, he's the second coming of Billy Gunn. I nearly ejaculated when he performed the fame-asser a few weeks ago, and if you deprive me of the chance to see that again then I will never forgive you.

Boom: Hmm… touché, Mr Cyrus (Mylee, not Billy-Ray). You make a few valid points. I suppose, just for you, I can let him live -this once!- but don’t expect me to start mollycoddling him or wrapping him in cushions. As far as I’m concerned, he’s on his own!

MyLee: He'll always have the spirit of Mr. Ass with him.

Boom: Weirdo.


Oh, and before I forget, Justin Roberts doesn’t make it. If you’re asking yourself ‘who?’, then you know why.


Quick recap session, so far on the boat of continued existence sits Matt Hardy, JTG and Dolph Ziggler. Still stranded on the shores of indecision are Batista, CM Punk, Edge, John Morrison, Rey Mysterio, The Great Khali, Ranjin Singh and The Undertaker. But who will be next? Well, Khali, obviously. That’s not even a subject up for debate, pretty much everyone would kill this motherfucker if given the choice, (see Andy's latest column for a perfect example) so there’s no point in wasting a spot on him. And his little ‘friend’ too. Because who needs an Indian interpreter/translator when we’ve no Indian superstars? Two birds, one big-ass stone!


The Rated ‘R’ Superstar. Edge, my dearest. My absolute number one favourite superstar of ALL time. An absolute hero in my eyes, so much so that- what? He’s back at home? Why? An injury? What kind of injury? Can he run? What do you mean ‘one-legged hopping maniac’? What kind of an establishment is this? So you’re telling me that, during the one time of the year it happened to become a zombie apocalypse, that Edge is stuck at home, on crutches, with a bad ankle? Bollocks.


There are two mighty behemoths (left) on the Blue Brand, and they are the unstoppable Undertaker and the brutal Batista. Both men have had countless match-ups over the past few years, and although Undertaker came out on top, Batista showed that he was no push over. Well now, survival is at stake…

Batista: Do you fancy a game?

Undertaker: What of?

Batista: Questions?

Undertaker: How do you play that?

Batista: You have to ask questions!

Undertaker: Aha! Statement: One-Love.

Batista: But that’s not fair!

Undertaker: Why not?

Batista: I wasn’t ready.

Undertaker: Statement: Two-Love.

Batista: Are you trying to trick your way into winning?

Undertaker: What?

Batista: Are you trying to trick your way into winning?

Undertaker: Repetition: Three-Love.

Batista: What’s your problem?

Undertaker: Are you talking to me?

Batista: Shouldn’t I be?

Undertaker: Should you be?

Batista: What are you implying?

Undertaker: Isn’t it obvious?

Batista: What are you talking about?

Undertaker: Was that rhetoric?

Batista: NO!

Undertaker: Statement: Four-Love, match point.

Undertaker: Who’s serve is it?

Batista: umm…

Undertaker: Hesitation, Five-Love. Game, set and match!

Bad luck, Batista. Luckily, there’s no intelligence requirement for being a flesh-eating zombie. Plus, they have a vacant look in their eyes, so you’ll fit right in!


For me, Morrison is four flavours of awesome. For some people however, he’s a little less than impressive. Still, which ever way you look at it, the dude’s a gymnast. So methinks he’d be able to evade an oncoming attack and successfully outwit and out-manoeuvre the approaching zombies. I guess that means he’s surviving. Suck one, haters.


CM Punk and Rey Mysterio. Two heavy hitters in the world of professional wrestling. One who lives a straight-edge lifestyle, the other who is a popular Mexican luchador. Thinking about it for a second, CM Punk won’t put foreign substances into his body without a prescription. Which means if he becomes infected, we’ll be unable to administer an antidote (assuming there is such a thing) without taking him to a doctor. Not helpful. However, Rey Mysterio has potentially already infected himself, and the WWE have covered it up by ‘suspending’ him, while they actually have him strapped into a laboratory, performing cruel and unusual experiments to see the limits of the virus/infection. Well fuck that, I ain’t havin’ no ‘maybe’ infections on my team. We ALL know how that turns out. Better the devil who’s straight-edge, I always say!


DID YOU KNOW?

- If a Zombie Apocalypse were to strike Friday Night Smackdown! Only Matt Hardy, JTG, Dolph Ziggler, The Undertaker, John Morrison and CM Punk would survive.

- Everybody still hates Michael Cole

- 10% of the people who read this plan out what they would do in a Zombie Apocalypse. The other 90% won’t survive when it happens. But it’s okay, because without you, the 10% of us wouldn’t have any real challenges.

[Box Car Rocco]

That 'Taker/Batista thing was easily the highlight of the column, it was hilarious. I liked this more then your Raw version of this simply because I like Smackdown better. Both of these were very entertaining Jeremy Borasch, nothing more to say really.

[Uncle Joe]

Kane can shoot flames out of his hands you motherfucker. How dare you not include him on Team SD! you . .. .


Liked the column, nice continuity JB. But fuck you.

[Benjamin Button]

This really took the two-parter series to the next level. You seemed more passionate when writing about the Smackdown! roster rather than the RAW roster. Maybe my perception is based on the fact that I'm more passionate when reading about the blue brand roster.

Either way, this was funnier and more opinionated (at times). The best part to me was when you were talking about the guys you love and hate than mentioning the talent you don't care either way for, which included Charlie Haas and nobody else.

Good stuff with Taker and Batista. Fuck ECW. That brand is already dead.

[FutureDonkey]

Oh dude this is really brilliant, I absolutely loved this mother. I don't know what it was about your last one, but, idk, it just bored me to tears, maybe it was that it was about Raw. Seriously though, this was hilarious man.

Oh and ECW is not that bad, I don't get all the hate on that show, when there is actual wrestling going on there. WRESTLING. Actual wrestling. Really. Whatever.

I enjoyed it a lot better this time man and I can't wait for your next doozie, even though, much like Uncle Joe, I say "Fuck you with a candlestick" for not including Kane. Kane with a double-barreled shotgun in one hand and a chainsaw in the other would kick ass.

[Freeman]

Masterful. This was as good as your RAW one and I might even go as far as saying that I liked it better. There I said it.

Are you going to carry this on though? You could still write something about ECW, or TNA, or FCW, or OVW, or RoH, or CIA, or MFI, or KKK?

On second thoughts, it might be better to leave it at that. Top stuff again sir.

[Super Chrisss]

The first part was epic, and the second just as awesome if not better. It sucks that Matt Hardy had to survive, but he's like that one shit you can never get out properly.

Nice to see you posting again JB.

[The Maz]

You know, I really want to hate on your zombie columns. I really do. But I can't. This was vintage >insert nickname here< at his best (see Cole did give us something). The Batista Taker dialogue was priceless.

[Little Sneak]

This was yet another solid piece from you. It kept me interested throughout and was entertaining. I really love this idea. Also, im gald that youre writing again! Good work.
Miss Sneak

[Barney]

I really liked this read. If you had told me the UT/Batista game was non-fiction, that you somehow saw it somewhere (and you offered no more evidence than that) I would have believed you. Ah, Dave...

Funny how you started out with insignificants such as the ECW brand and Matt Hardy. Here is an idea: send Matt Hardy back to ECW and set Christian Cage free.

Good read. Very sharp and witty.

[Martin Riggs]

BCR, cheers bro, the Taker/'Tista dialogue is actually paraphrased from the film 'Rosencrantz and Guilerstern Are Dead', which I really meant to credit in the column but clearly didn't.

Joe, Suck one, bitch. Kane's flames are nothing more than a reminder that he's a flaming homo.

Benji, yeah, it was more fun to write this one, as i had more of an idea about what i was doing with it. Glad you enjoyed!

Donk, Kane has more chance of kissing ass than kicking it. But thanks for the praise nonetheless.

Freeman, yeah this is actually a 123 part series looking into various companies from around the world. Next week: Microsoft.

SupeSea, It's nice to be writing again! Inspiration and creativity be damned, though, i'm just going to write about zombies from now on! (or not?)

Mazza, It was my zombie story that kicked me up a gear in the first place, so they're closest to me. Plus, i'd spent the last few days playing Left 4 Dead, so i was very zombie-conscious!

Miss Sneak, Thanks for reading! I'm glad to be here. Another solid piece? Uh-oh, i'm performing under pressure now!

Barney, well technically i DID see it somewhere, and Gary Oldman and Tim Roth performed it better than i imagine big dave would. Still, I chose it because i honestly want to believe Batista is that stupid. How great would that be? Oh, and always start with the insignificants, don't give your Main Event away first! Christian to SD? Like it!

[Andy]

Wow. I’m a bit out of breath after reading that. It seemed very high-tempo and fast-paced, whether it was intentional or not. I think I go on about this wayyy too much but if I see “Smackdown!” in a column, I expected the rest of them to be written like that, and not “Smackdown.”

“Batista: umm…”

Shouldn’t there have been a capital here?


’But Johnny!’ I hear you cry, ’What about ECW?’

Why aren’t there any speech marks? And the first apostrophe is pointing the wrong way. Yeah, I’m being picky.


This was still some nasty (in a good way) stuff. Entertaining from start to finish is always a winner in my book. If you could do as good a job with ECW then I would be surprised. That’s a challenge.

Not your best, but still good. Want to start a tag-team so we can take down Khali together? You can think of the name.

[Martin Riggs]

Shit. I thought i was definitely going for Smackdown! all the way through, annoyed that i didn't get it (especially as i made mention of it at one point in a parentheses)

Should have been a capital. Hands held up, my bad.

It's a horrible, horrible habit i have. It's essentially laziness, that i'd put quotes in 'apostrophes' rather than "speech marks". And they go round the wrong was sometimes. It's annoying, but not something i'll hunt for when proofing, as it's rather minor.

Nitpick away, though, my friend. It helps me spot my bad habits. i WOULD do an ECW one, but i don't know half the roster, so that seems unfair!

[SkittleZ]

Zombie Apocalypse FTW!

Marvelous read, homie. Funny shit overall and the Taker/Bats dialog worked perfectly with the piece.

Honestly, I'm a little jealous at you having 14 more aliases than me. Something about that just doesn't seem right dammit!

Keep showing peeps how its' done, homie. Oh and BTW... I think we both know our Edgykins could survive a zombie apocalypse and return to claim another World Heavyweight Title while still in crutches.

[XanMan]

Boomer, I know your reasons, and I understand them, but this shit really needs to be on the main page. Not because it's really shit, of course, but because this shit is the exact opposite of shit. Hell, it isn't even shit colored. And this was even better than the RAW version. Why not do TNA now?