Quote Me Happy #17 ~ "Don't Eat The Yellow Snow"

[Freeman]

"Watch out where the huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow."

Once upon a time, I was frequenting the eloquent shores of Alaska; as you do, when by chance I came across an Eskimo. He seemed like a reasonable fellow, so I engaged him in conversation. However, being an Eskimo and all, he didn't speak in the richest of tongues. In fact, he hardly spoke at all, but I decided to let it slide for the time being. The conversation soon progressed, however at one particular point, it appeared that I said something that angered him. I can't quite remember exactly what I said that evoked his anger, but needless to say he was so angry that he started whipping on my favourite baby seal. I was in so much shock at such a heinous act that I was left completely unprepared for his next move, a charge in a fit of anger toward my direction. When he got within range he...

Pounced.

And he pounced again.

He'd gathered up a generous mitten full of yellow coloured snow, which from the smell I gathered it was this colour because of all the husky and seal piss that had gone into it. His next action was to take the handful of yellow snow and rub it into my eyes with copious force. I was blinded, the burning sensation in my eyes was too much to deal with, and the Eskimo took full advantage of this. After rubbing another handful of piss stained snow in my face, he took a dog turd snow cone and stuffed it into my mouth. Feeling humiliated and dejected, I could only watch as the Eskimo strolled off out of sight, leaving me with one lingering thought so powerful that I deduced that there was only lesson I could take from such a demeaning and scarring episode in my life...

Eskimos are cunts. Don't fuck with them.

Speaking of cunts you probably shouldn't fuck with, here's a list of some legitimate tough bastards in wrestling. You know, 'cos this is a wrestling column and all, and I would never post something in the Columns Forum that wasn't about wrestling.

Scott Steiner

"He took a dog-doo snow cone and stuffed it in my right eye."

Even though I think Scotty boy's the biggest piece of shit since shit was invented, I must respect the legitimate toughness of this dude. It has been rumoured in the past that the only reason Steiner got a main event push in WCW was because the peeps backstage were too scared of him to hold him back. Despite him cutting numerous shoot promos criticising the company and some of it's employees, on Monday Nitro to boot, he went virtually unpunished, and was suspended with pay. Yes, with pay. That's the equivalent of Randy Orton coming out on RAW, complaining about how shit the WWE is at the moment, and not being punished for it. Seems ridiculous huh? The fear that Steiner inspired backstage probably stemmed from a few incidents he had with Diamond Dallas Page in the dying days of WCW, where Steiner hurled a large portion of yellow snow at DDP's wife Kimberly. DDP, taking offence to the matter, responded to a challenge issued to him by Steiner by confronting him backstage armed with a handful of the deadly yellow snow crystals, infused delicately with small nuggets of husky shit. However, Steiner countered and took Page down, and after some rolling around on the floor, Steiner pulled out a sizable amount of yellow snow and rubbed it directly in Page's face, leaving everyone backstage in no doubt as to who the clear winner of the altercation was. There have been numerous incidents and rumours of events similar to this involving Steiner, but I must take my hat off to the guy, as he frequently comes out on top in most confrontations.

Morale of the story: Basically, don't fuck with Scott Steiner.

William Regal

"Great googly moogly!"

It's master Master Regal! My hat is off to you sir. Not only are you one of the best wrestlers in WWE, but you are also a deceptively hard (no homo) motherfucker. Not only does this stem from my British compatriot's penchant for wrestling some pretty damn stiff matches down the years, it also comes from a few rumours of altercations that Regal has been involved in during his time in the business. Take an alleged incident with Van Hammer for example. Young Mr Hammer was reportedly running his mouth about hating on British and Mexican wrestlers at DDP's Christmas party, when he was confronted by none other than Regal himself. The story goes that Hammer was headbutted five times and got his face pushed into a pile of yellow snow that just happened to be lying in the middle of a room full of people. Needless to say, Hammer won't be getting so cocky when there are hard nosed Brits about in the future. However, if you think that was impressive, you ain't seen nothing yet. Apparently there was one time backstage at WCW, where The Big Show was complaining about selling to Rey Mysterio. Who should get in the face of the largest athlete in the world, show no fear and call him a fat slob? Yes you guessed it, none other than our hero William Regal. They were broken up pretty quickly after that, just before our hero had the chance to unleash a machine gun like onslaught of yellow snow crystals on The Big Show. I have to say that if this story is true, then my hat is off to Mr Regal. That takes guts to stand up to someone the size of The Big Show; I certainly wouldn't have the testicular fortitude to do something like that.

Morale of the story: Don't dare fuck with William Regal, not unless you want your ass handed to you.

Joey Styles

"That got me just about as evil as an Eskimo boy can be."

You've got to be kidding right? Joey freakin' Styles? I must admit, I surprised myself with the inclusion of ECW's greatest announcer here. I mean come on, a legit tough SOB? He looks more like that nerdy, going to stay a virgin until he's forty, probably still is a virgin now kid that used to get picked on in school by all the bullies. The guy even admitted to being the only guy on the old ECW payroll to have never seen super slut Francine's fun bags, and that's saying something. He was probably only joking, but I'm betting there was some truth to that story somewhere. Anyway, Styles may be a nerd of epic proportions, but I'm willing to bet that everyone knew someone like him when they went to school. There's that one nerdy kid who's life is made a living hell everyday by a bunch of jocks, until one day he snaps and opens up a can of whoop ass on all of his tormentors. This is exactly what happened with our friend Joey on a WWE event in Iraq last year. Apparently, poor old Joey was the subject of torment from well know locker room bully John Bradshaw Layfield, with Layfield reportedly winding up the former announcer all week long. Eventually, Styles had enough, got about as evil as an Eskimo boy can be and got right in the face of JBL. However, the scuffle was quickly broken up. This led to Styles taking a piss on some ice he found in a nearby drink, thus creating a portion of the sacrosanct and feared yellow snow, which he proceeded to hurl at JBL, striking him clean on the forehead. JBL, furious at being covered in piss, charged at Styles with full force. However Styles being the seasoned veteran he is, anticipated the move every step of the way, and countered with a well aimed punch to the face. JBL then spent the majority of the next episode of RAW sulking like a little bitch in the locker room, and having to cover up a fat shiner on his face by titling his stupid cowboy hat slightly and wearing more make up then an Essex girl on Friday night. Take that Bradshaw you tosser, and kudos to Joey for proving that every dog does indeed have it's day, and for proving to me that he is a legit tough mofo.

Morale of the story: Appearances can be deceiving my friends, so if you don't want to be made to look like a douchebag in front of your homies in the locker room, then I suggest that you don't fuck with Joey Styles.

Santino Marella

"The deadly yellow snow crystals had deprived him of his sight"

Yep, another strange choice this one. I was previously unaware of this, but it appears that beneath Santino's amusing character and silly gimmick lies quite a tough hombre. Back when he was in OVW a few years ago when Jim Cornette was the head booker, Santino was supposed to take part in an angle involving The Boogeyman. He was supposed to be a plant in the crowd and act scared when The Boogeyman came over, however Santino being the goof we all know and love, laughed at the whole thing and ruined the entire angle. Cornette, furious at such an act, took Santino backstage and cut a shoot promo where he began pelting him with balls of yellow snow. Despite being covered in husky and seal piss, Santino chose not to fight back, and it's a good thing for Cornette's sake that he didn't. You see, Santino has a mixed martial arts background, and would have kicked the shit out of Cornette if he had been of a different mind set. Now your probably thinking that beating up Jim Cornette doesn't exactly qualify you for being a tough bastard, but perhaps this next little story will be enough to persuade you. The story goes that whilst wrestling in Canada, Santino got into a scrap backstage with seven or eight fans. Apparently, the fans had surrounded him and another wrestler named George Terzis, and began chucking large dollops of the lethal yellow snow at the pair, depriving Terzis of his sight and nearly fatally wounding Santino. Our Italian hero fought back though, and by the time the promoter had come to break it up, Santino had already beaten up two of the fans, and humiliated another three with yellow snow cones to the eyes. I must say that holding your own while surrounded by a group of guys armed with such heavy artillery as yellow snow, is a pretty impressive accomplishment.

Morale of the story: If you don't want to have an ex MMA and shoot fighter rip you apart like a virgin's ring, then don't fuck with Santino Marella.

Chris Jericho

"Whereupon I proceeded to take that mitten full of the deadly yellow snow crystals and rub it all into his beady little eyes with a vigorous circular motion"

Ah that Chris Jericho, not only is he a stupendous worker, he's also a pretty tough cookie as well. Throughout the years, everyone's favourite source for improving their vocabulary has been pretty well behaved, and hasn't had much in the way of opportunities to show us what a bad ass he is. One occasion does spring to mind though, and it involved a certain Bill Goldberg during his short tenure with the WWE. There was a bit of bad blood between the two prior to this, stemming from Jericho not getting the chance to wrestle Goldberg while the pair were in WCW. However, everything came to a head on one fateful episode of Monday Night RAW. Allegedly, Goldberg mouthed of to Kevin Nash about Jericho, which Jericho soon found out about. Jericho finally snapped and decided to take matters into his own hands, but not without obtaining some ammunition first. As swift as a cougar on steroids, Y2J dashed out into the cold winter night, and promptly urinated on the largest section of snow that he could find. Suitably tooled up and ready for battle, Jericho set about trying to locate his long time nemesis, and found him loitering around the corridors of the arena. Goldberg had his back to Jericho, therefore our Canadian hero decided to take full advantage of his good fortune. Stepping back a good ten feet, Jericho charged at Goldberg with all his might, took a huge leap into the air, and slammed the quite ridiculous portion of yellow snow with all of his might into Goldberg's chrome dome. Jericho's attack did not stop there though, as he then proceeded to rub the deadly yellow snow crystals into Goldberg's eyes with a vigorous circular motion. A scuffle inevitably ensued, however it was quickly broken up by some of the workers backstage. I don't know about you dudes, but I find Goldberg to be pretty damn intimidating, and not the sort of guy that I would want to get in the face of. Jericho gets my eternal respect for displaying such an act of courage, as there ain't too many that would have it out with Goldberg. Chris, well done to you sir, and please accept a Freeman Honorary Legit Tough Bastard Award for your troubles.

Morale of the story: He may seem like an all round nice guy, but unless you want a generous helping of yellow snow in your face, don't fuck with Chris Jericho.

Overall morale of these stories: Even if you want to have it out with these guys, whatever you do, don't eat the yellow snow.

Fin.

Credits: Tracks 1 and 2 from the Frank Zappa album "Apostrophe", where these quotes and the opening story were derived from. The opening story was inspired by those two tracks.

[Box Car Rocco]

1. Scott Steiner is the greatest wrestler alive.

2. I know you were focusing on backstage fights and all that jazz, but a mention of Steiner almost dying a few years ago wouldn't hurt your claim of him being a badass. You could probably have made a whole column about his backstage antics lol.

3. This was decent, but it being only decent wasn't your fault. Well, it might have been your fault but only if you can read my mind. A part from the first Regal story, I've heard about all these stories before and so it was nothing overly new to me.

Number 3 isn't to stay that I didn't like this or it wasn't well written, it's just that I didn't learn to much from it and was pretty much reading what I've read before.... Except with yellow snow. Read you next time and all that jazz.

[Super Chrisss]

Unlike BoxCarRocco, I HAVEN'T heard all these stories before and the Santino one (with Cornette) was pretty damn funny.

This was a hell of alot more entertaining than your last column Freeman and not only did it have the perfect length, the flow and content were pleasing to no end. I also see you stuck with your "big 5" so in addition to your quote fetish, this was another aspiring column.

Good work man.

[Stryder]

I marked for the Essex girl comment, seeing as I'm from Essex also and I know exactley what your talking about.

I liked the column, it was an interesting way to look at those with legit heat that got into an altercation. However, the snow cone analysis made it hard to follow and actually find out what happened in each seperate altercation. Other than that everythign flowed well and i enjoyed reading and didn't skim over any parts. Regal is soooo badass.

[Benjamin Button]

It didn't live up to the last one in my book, but I personally thought looking up all that shit and converting it into the equivalency of the Internet Wrestling Community was extremely creative. I could never have thought to do that.

Oh yes...This one! You have to write columns about wrestling sometimes, I guess. But I enjoyed it. No grammatical errors and I had heard like three of the stories. This was my first time hearing the one with Joey Styles. That was a shocker! So I actually learned something tonight. Good job.

[Uncle Joe]

I've heard of all of these, but it's always nice to read about them again once in a while.

[the ticking clock]

The Santino story was new to me, had heard the others but always entertaining to hear them again. I have to disagree with the addition of Styles though, cheap-shotting a drunk man does not make you a tough guy. It got a bit repetitive at times with all the yellow snow references, I would have preferred the stories to be told straight but I can see that wasn't what you were going for, so not bad over all.

[Cult Icon]

only from you could i find a column that pays homage to frank zappa. i really enjoyed this, but i wouldve enjoyed it more without all the yellow snow references in the descriptions of wrestlers. most of the stories (minus regals) i had heard before and im pretty sure none involved yellow snow. other than that though, i thought it was very good.

[Little Sneak]

Hi Freeman. WOW man you have done 17 columns already!! Good going. This was very entertaining and it was an informative for me because i'm not up to date on these backstage brawls. I'm impressed man and you are quickly becoming one of my top 3 or 4 writers around here.

One negative but, your banner didn't show up

Miss Sneak

[Freeman]

Box That Car, Rocco-

1. Scott Steiner is the greatest wrestler alive.

He is not.

2. I know you were focusing on backstage fights and all that jazz, but a mention of Steiner almost dying a few years ago wouldn't hurt your claim of him being a badass.

Oops, forgot about that.

3. This was decent, but it being only decent wasn't your fault. Well, it might have been your fault but only if you can read my mind. A part from the first Regal story, I've heard about all these stories before and so it was nothing overly new to me.

That's a fair point, but I knew that when I started writing this, so I can't complain.

Number 3 isn't to stay that I didn't like this or it wasn't well written, it's just that I didn't learn to much from it and was pretty much reading what I've read before.... Except with yellow snow. Read you next time and all that jazz.

That's cool man, thanks for the feedback and all that jazz.

Supercalafristicexbealadocious Chrisss-

Unlike BoxCarRocco, I HAVEN'T heard all these stories before and the Santino one (with Cornette) was pretty damn funny.

Splendid

This was a hell of alot more entertaining than your last column Freeman and not only did it have the perfect length, the flow and content were pleasing to no end. I also see you stuck with your "big 5" so in addition to your quote fetish, this was another aspiring column.

Good work man.

The big five will never die! Thanks for the glorious feedback my friend.

Stryder-

I marked for the Essex girl comment, seeing as I'm from Essex also and I know exactley what your talking about.

No way? I'm originally from Essex too! We shall be continuing this convo in private sir.

I liked the column, it was an interesting way to look at those with legit heat that got into an altercation. However, the snow cone analysis made it hard to follow and actually find out what happened in each seperate altercation. Other than that everythign flowed well and i enjoyed reading and didn't skim over any parts. Regal is soooo badass.

Indeed he is, thanks for your helpful feedback buddy.

Senoir Button-

It didn't live up to the last one in my book, but I personally thought looking up all that shit and converting it into the equivalency of the Internet Wrestling Community was extremely creative. I could never have thought to do that.

I know, trying to be as original as that again is damn hard work though!

Oh yes...This one! You have to write columns about wrestling sometimes, I guess. But I enjoyed it. No grammatical errors and I had heard like three of the stories. This was my first time hearing the one with Joey Styles. That was a shocker! So I actually learned something tonight. Good job.

Only too happy to edumacate you sir! Thanks for reading and feeding as always dude.

Joen Jett-

I've heard of all of these, but it's always nice to read about them again once in a while.

Especially when they're infused with yellow snow references.

Ticking Clock-

The Santino story was new to me, had heard the others but always entertaining to hear them again. I have to disagree with the addition of Styles though, cheap-shotting a drunk man does not make you a tough guy. It got a bit repetitive at times with all the yellow snow references, I would have preferred the stories to be told straight but I can see that wasn't what you were going for, so not bad over all.

Styles might challenge you on that one! I would've gone for a more straight line, but I absolutely had to get the Frank Zappa shizzle in there! Cheers for the read and feed dude.

Culty Wulty-

only from you could i find a column that pays homage to frank zappa. i really enjoyed this, but i wouldve enjoyed it more without all the yellow snow references in the descriptions of wrestlers. most of the stories (minus regals) i had heard before and im pretty sure none involved yellow snow. other than that though, i thought it was very good.

Again sorry, but the Zappa stuff was totally necessary! Thanks for the kind words as always matey.

Miss Sneak-

Hi Freeman. WOW man you have done 17 columns already!! Good going. This was very entertaining and it was an informative for me because i'm not up to date on these backstage brawls. I'm impressed man and you are quickly becoming one of my top 3 or 4 writers around here.

Marvelous, glad I can be informative sometimes. Top 3 or 4? Praise indeed my friend.

One negative but, your banner didn't show up

Boo! It does show up on mine, but sometimes when I click it doesn't show up. Try again perhaps? Anyway, thanks for your very kind words friend.