Scientists model zombie outbreak

sheepster · #1 09-02-2009, 10:03 AM

Science is doing some much-needed work at last.

Four scientists in Canada have done research into an outbreak of zombie infection. This is a proper paper that's been published. They've taken their clues from all the great zombie literature and film, and successfully created a mathematical model to show what would happen to the human race in such an event.

This is the rather bleak final paragraph:

Quote:

Originally Posted by WHEN ZOMBIES ATTACK!: MATHEMATICAL MODELLING OF AN OUTBREAK OF ZOMBIE INFECTION

"In summary, a zombie outbreak is likely to lead to the collapse of civilisation, unless it is dealt with quickly. While aggressive quarantine may contain the epidemic, or a cure may lead to coexistence of humans and zombies, the most effective way to contain the rise of the undead is to hit hard and hit often. As seen in the movies, it is imperative that zombies are dealt with quickly, or else we are all in a great deal of trouble."

In the first model for example, with no cure for the infection and no quarantine, zombies would outnumber humans within 3 days. We'd all be either dead or undead within 10. Even with a cure, only 5% of us would remain and we'd have to coexist with zombies. Only multiple waves of military action can successfully wipe out the infection, and that's only if we can gather the resources to carry it out soon enough.

I think it's a rather pessimistic study though. They don't talk about decapitation. If we caught them early enough, I'm sure we'd be able to take them. Decapitation kills them dead. They aren't talking about the modern, fast-moving, clever zombies here. They modelled the slow, lumbering, brraaaaaiins-type zombie. Three days to outnumber us? If we all managed to take out three zombies each, we'd be done in no time. So I call upon all of you, when the time comes, to take out three zombies by decapitation. Keep the world safe and prove the scientists wrong.

If you fancy wrapping your head around the maths involved, the paper can be found here: http://www.mathstat.uottawa.ca/~rsmith/Zombies.pdf

Vikodin · #2 09-02-2009, 10:06 AM

Some people seriously have too much time on there hands...

Wevv Mang · #3 09-02-2009, 10:08 AM

You think this is some kind of joke?

Son, you need one of these pronto.

http://www.amazon.com/Zombie-Surviva...1900465&sr=8-1

The best defense is to be prepared.

Bloodrose · #4 09-02-2009, 11:25 AM

That book is my bible, Wevv.

FoonZeeS · #5 09-02-2009, 11:35 AM

That is the greatest book ever written.

People scoff at some of my friends and I when we talk about the Zombie Holocaust. To them I say, "Well, good luck.".

To Sheep - there are no fast moving, clever zombies. That's a Hollywood myth. They have no brain functions, they're dead. You can briskly walk faster than they can move. It's when you get stupid or lazy that they get you.

Read the book. Be prepared.

One of the best pieces of advice: DO NOT use fire. The only thing worse than a horde of the undead trying to eat your brains, is a horde of the undead trying to eat your brains while on fire.

al birdy · #6 09-02-2009, 11:39 AM

i never thought this whole zombie joke was funny

still don't

BeyondKnight · #7 09-02-2009, 12:33 PM

"So, what research have you guys beeing working on these last couple weeks? Cancer, autism, AIDS, SIDS-"

"No, Zombies,"

"..."

Steve · #8 09-02-2009, 05:46 PM

If I were Canadian and even one red cent of my tax dollars went to fund this shit, I'd be royally pissed off. This is a fucking gag term paper from some junior high school stoner.

MissouriDragon · #9 09-02-2009, 05:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steve

If I were Canadian and even one red cent of my tax dollars went to fund this shit, I'd be royally pissed off.

A-fucking-men.

You can get a grant for anything nowadays, apparently.

sheepster · #10 09-02-2009, 06:41 PM

There's useful stuff in the paper though. It actually has parallels with how infectious diseases can spread. I think the zombie idea was just to a) give it some added exposure and b) lighten the mood a little.

Steve · #11 09-02-2009, 07:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissouriDragon

A-fucking-men.

You can get a grant for anything nowadays, apparently.

Good point! I want a grant for the study of the quality of blowjobs by both hair color and age (between 18-30).

MissouriDragon · #12 09-02-2009, 07:36 PM

If I was on the MacArthur committee and somebody sent me that idea, I'd reply "add ethnicity and the dough's yours."

You're an IT guy, right? Tell 'em you'll make a website about it.

skolapper · #13 09-04-2009, 02:15 AM

Mark- the first way is correct.

In answer to Abrahm, Greek components are used in scientific names but the endings and the components are Latin-ised.

Anyhow, all of this got me in the mood to record myself. So here you go.

Vikodin · #14 09-06-2009, 08:06 AM

^What the fuck?

L-Man · #15 09-09-2009, 11:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wevv Mang

You think this is some kind of joke?

Son, you need one of these pronto.

http://www.amazon.com/Zombie-Surviva...1900465&sr=8-1

The best defense is to be prepared.

I have that book. Best ever written

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bloodrose

That book is my bible, Wevv.

Same here.

While the world is being killed by zombies I will be alive, well and fighting thanks to that book!