The Sunday Fleece :: 1
Like so many others around the world, we here at UTF are looking for change. While we may head back to our down-and-dirty, investigative roots at some point in the future, for now we’ll be trying our hand at something slightly different. Don’t get us wrong. The new format has been tried and tested by many people before us. But no one has ever taken the concept to this sort of extreme. Ladies and gentlemen, we’re trying our hand at forging a digital newspaper for the wrestling world.
You’ll get the hang of it soon enough. Each week, we start with our top story. We find the biggest news story of the week, dive into it, and try to bring you fresh perspectives on it. We follow this up with any other news that’s hanging about. In a heavy news week, we may talk about as many as three extra stories in this section. We then have a variety of supplements for your perusal. What kind of Sunday broadsheet would we be if we didn’t supply you with enough supplements to deforest a small deciduous country? These supplements can range from extra sports news and horoscopes to business updates or editorials. And we finish, like any good newspaper does, with the back page.
It’s simple enough. And we hope it keeps you entertained, so sit back and relax. Welcome to...
for Sunday February 22nd, 2009
This week we discuss: Triple H’s appearance on Raw; how Verne Gagne copes with retirement; the mysterious spike in TV ratings; and much much more...
But first, this week in wrestling, we say happy 25th birthday to RoH stalwart Jimmy Jacobs, and wish a happy 32nd birthday to returning WWE damsel Gail Kim.
Also in this week, back in 2002, a fresh-faced John Cena (wrestling as the Prototype) defeated an uninjured Dave “the Chimp” Batista (wrestling as Leviathan) to capture the Ohio Valley Heavyweight title and set the scene for the next 7 years of WWE wrestling. Almost a year to the day, we got to witness wrestling idiot Eugene (wrestling as Nick Dinsmore) defeat a forgettable Danny Basham (remember him?) to capture that same title. And people wonder why WWE no longer use OVW...
Triple H breaks kayfabe; discovers new storytelling device; quads remain intact.
kayfabe n. the portrayal of events within the industry as being real.
On Raw last Monday, Randy Orton went one step closer to completing the grand slam of McMahon attacks. After punting Shane McMahon in the head, he temporarily thought it would be a good idea to pull an RKO on Stephanie McMahon. To be fair to her, she sold the move better than most others I’ve seen. But then things got very interesting. Triple H came to Ms. McMahon’s rescue. He then turned beetroot red as his face imploded under his furrowed brow. One can only assume that he was rather upset by the whole affair. Eight years ago, this wouldn’t have been anything out of the ordinary. Triple H was legitimately married to Ms. McMahon on-screen. But things have moved on since then. They got divorced on-screen. They’ve barely interacted in seven years. Just last year, Shawn Michaels was gallivanting around with Triple H, making snarky comments about the relationship. Everyone laughed because it was funny. The relationship still existed off the camera, but to explain that to us would break that old chestnut called kayfabe. They were subverting that and making jokes about it, so it was okay. The smart people laughed along with them. The not-so-smart people happily waited for the next “suck it” reference.
By coming to his lady’s rescue on Monday, and then admitting to the whole sordid affair (children and father-in-law included), Triple H officially took kayfabe and punted it off a tall bridge. That’s what makes this story all the more intriguing. This story has left the land of kayfabe and moved itself firmly into ellfabe territory.
That’s right. Ellfabe. It’s one better than kayfabe. It’s all the rage these days. See, WWE know that kayfabe is a long time dead. Anyone that wants to find out about anything can probably find out on the internet if they look hard enough. Thanks to the rise of the internet, it has become harder and harder to hide even the smallest personal details from the general public. This makes writing good storylines that much harder. What’s a creative department to do?? Ellfabe. They bring part of a wrestler’s personal life into the ring, knowing that most of the public already know about it. This stuns the educated viewer. They’re now seeing real life unfold on the screen. It’s not actually real life though. From the point that real life is added, the wrestlers are back to pretending again. But if they throw bits of real life in there, how can the viewer know what’s real and what’s fake? Triple H isn’t meant to like Ms. McMahon, let alone still be married to her. Did Orton really have no control when he hit an RKO on the poor woman? Are these even my own legs?
And this isn’t the first time they’ve pulled this on us. Cast your mind back to early 2005. Matt Hardy is happily wandering through WWE-land until one day, his girlfriend Lita cheats on him with Edge. Matt Hardy gets upset and posts about this to the real world. WWE find out and let him go. The fans become incensed. Edge and Lita, who in Hardy’s absence have started working together on-screen, are bombarded with “You Screwed Matt” chants. After a few months, WWE sense a money-making opportunity and they hire Matt Hardy back. He immediately sets his sights on Edge. WWE successfully use real life events and portray them as real on-screen. At this point, they’re probably mostly all friends again and it’s not really real... but we can’t know that for sure.
It’s ingenious. The viewer can no longer trust their own news-sites. They can think they know what’s going on, but they can’t know for sure. They said it couldn’t be done in this day and age. They said kayfabe was dead. And technically, it is. But the industry has a new weapon in this war on disbelief.
ellfabe n. the fake portrayal of real events within the industry as being real.
Verne Gagne wrestles one more match; wins by countout.
In recent years, wrestling legend and WWE Hall of Famer Verne Gagne has been hiding away in relative obscurity in Bloomington, Minnesota. As it turns out, he’s been training for a return to the ring. On January 26th, Gagne allegedly picked up a 97-year-old man and threw him down to the ground. Unfortunately, this gorilla press slam was one slam too many for the 82-year-old Gagne. The training session went tragically wrong when Gagne’s training partner broke his hip when he landed incorrectly. He sadly died twenty days later. Gagne’s return looks to be delayed now while police investigate the matter.
Gagne is unfazed by the police and is said to be looking for a new training partner. A news report claimed that “he'd put elderly patients in chokeholds”. His signature sleeper hold was devastating in his heyday, and he’s obviously looking to get some of that spark back. Meanwhile, some of the neighbouring residents have spoken out against Gagne. One disgruntled neighbour fell asleep at the mere mention of Gagne’s name. Another neighbour asked “What time does the llama ride happen?”
WWE ignores mistake; decrees decimal system obsolete.
Those going to Wrestlemania this year may find themselves a bit confused. Wrestlemania 25 is fast approaching but so, claim WWE, is the 25th anniversary of Wrestlemania. Since most numerical systems start at 1, the 26th event is usually the 25th anniversary. WWE are seemingly celebrating an event that started in March 1984, when in fact Wrestlemania started one year later in 1985. It’s one of those counter-intuitive things, and as such, not many people noticed the mistake at first. But now more and more people are noticing the lapse in WWE’s counting skills. So what are WWE to do? Appear dozy and red-faced and apologise for their error? Of course not!
Despite the spectacular difficulties involved, WWE have hired a team of advanced mathematicians to expand the decimal system and create a brand new way of counting. The new system, working in base 10.5, will allow WWE to legitimately call this next PPV the 25th Anniversary of Wrestlemania. The new system will unfortunately also rename it as Wrestlemania 26, but they’re hoping no one notices.
“Failing this, we’ll just hold Wrestlemania Zero back in 1984,” said one source. “That’ll match up the anniversary with the event number quite nicely.” WWE are already looking at possible matches should Wrestlemania Zero go ahead. Triple H is lined up to retroactively beat Hulk Hogan for the WWF Heavyweight title before dropping the title back to him at some point later in 1984.
TV ratings spike; critics blame intestinal gas.
On the surface, it appears to have been a good overall week for wrestling. On Monday night, Raw put on an action-packed show coming just a day after No Way Out. The shocking results at No Way Out were probably a big factor in Raw getting a 4.1 rating. This is the show’s best rating in over a year. The last show to hit 4.1 was the 3-hour 15th anniversary special back in December 2007. Then, on Thursday evening, TNA Impact showed an “empty arena” match between Kurt Angle and Sting. Thanks to the “empty arena” idea, all the people that would’ve been in the stands had to go watch on a TV screen somewhere. A very clever plan and it paid off. Impact got a 1.33 cable rating with 1.9 million viewers. That’s the show’s largest ever audience. From the looks of things, wrestling might be on the up again.
Or is it?
I don’t think so. If it was Raw alone, I might be willing to believe such a thing. But TNA gaining numbers too? Nonsense. I think there’s a much simpler explanation. This season’s pool of talent on American Idol has been severely lacking. Oh yes. I’ve never seen such a poor bunch of crooners. We’re meant to be watching the Top 36 right now. I only saw 1 person who was any good this week. It’s shocking. And it just happens to air on Thursday nights. Those 14 million fed-up viewers are all going to flick to another channel sooner or later. One note from Tatiana will guarantee a mass exodus from the Fox show. And the law of averages says that a number of those will most probably land on whatever channel is showing Impact. Hey presto, TNA gets a surge in ratings. Raw benefitted from a fantastic PPV. Impact just benefitted from some poor song choices and some pitch problems.
Apparently, to capitalise on the downturn of American Idol, TNA is looking to sign Sanjaya from last year’s Idol season.
Today, we have a lovely letter from a nice lady in Illinois.
Dear Fleece…
I’m quite frankly appalled at World Wrestling Entertainment. How dare they release such a fantastic superstar!! I watched every one of Scotty Goldman’s 6 matches and I was ever more enthralled by each one. So he may have only been in some of those matches for 20 seconds, but those 20 seconds were a joy to watch! Little Scotty knows how to wrestle. I’m sure he’d win a match or two if they wouldn’t keep putting him up against those big ugly monsters. The way Scotty has been treated just cuts me to the core. I heard he was made to change in the same room as the other wrestlers. And they made fun of him whenever he wore his favourite widdle duffle coat. He needs to wrap up warm in the winter! It’s no laughing matter!! I know you can’t do anything to help little Scotty now, but I thought I’d just vent my spleen about it. It kills me to see him like this. Thank you for your time and the forum to air my views.
Yours sincerely,
Mrs. F. Goldman
Thank you, Mrs. Goldman. We can only whole-heartedly agree with your thoughts.
If, like Mrs. Goldman, you would like to share your thoughts on anything wrestling, please send it along to sheep5000@googlemail.com and we’ll be more than happy to listen.
This evening, we celebrate the 81st Annual Academy Awards. Yes, it’s Oscar time again. Hollywood’s finest gather in one room to see who gets to join the very elite. We’ll be having our own little Oscar party in our corner of the world, complete with cake. That’s right. Cake. That’s because we too have something to celebrate this year. Unlike most years, when there seems to be nothing but endless chick flicks, this year we have a film that we can all band together behind. It’s a film for us! A film for the wrestling fans! They’ve helpfully called it “The Wrestler”, just so they don’t confuse the not-so-smart fans. It isn’t nominated for much, but what are its chances for the awards it is up for? Let’s look at the forecast.
Best Leading Actor
Richard Jenkins vs. Frank Langella vs. Sean Penn vs. Brad Pitt vs. Mickey Rourke
Rourke won both the Bafta and the Golden Globe for his work in this film. He should be the leading favourite. If anyone were to steal it from him, it would probably be Sean Penn. Penn has the experience here. Rourke will have to outwit his opponent. Meanwhile, Langella just doesn’t have the stamina to keep up with Rourke and Penn. The other two are curtain-jerkers at best. Brad Pitt may have name recognition, but so does Rey Mysterio. It means nothing in a match like this.
Forecast: Mickey Rourke pins Langella for the win. Penn tries to make the save but is blindsided by Pitt.
Best Supporting Actress
Amy Adams & Viola Davis vs. Penélope Cruz vs. Taraji P. Henson vs. Marisa Tomei
It seems unfair to put a tag team into this match, but to be fair, those girls will need all the help they can get. Tomei was nominated for the Bafta but Penélope Cruz picked it up. Both were nominated for the Golden Globe, but Kate Winslet somehow picked it up. Now, Winslet is nowhere to be seen in this match-up. Without Winslet there, Cruz is the favourite to take the gong away from Tomei. Tomei will struggle here. Cruz may prove to be just too strong.
Forecast: Penélope Cruz wins by countout when Winslet doesn’t make it back to the category in time.
GEMINI, CANCER, LEO, VIRGO, LIBRA, SCORPIO, SAGITTARIUS, CAPRICORN, AQUARIUS, PISCES, ARIES: Today is a good day. You’ve already enjoyed quite a nice morning and the day will only get better. You seem to get along with everyone today. Apart from those grumpy Tauruses. They’re annoying and horrible and ugly too. Just last week, one of them spat in your mother’s face. Yeah. That’s how mean they are.
TAURUS: For some reason, you feel like the whole world is against you today…
Well, I do hope you enjoyed the first Sunday Fleece. I had fun writing it. At the moment, I plan to make this a fairly regular occurrence, though I reserve the right to take a break when there’s a slow news week.
Also, I'd like to make this column as interactive as possible. I have some ideas that I'm currently formulating. The Letters page is already up and running. I'll be using real letters whenever I can. By switching around the supplements each week, I can always give a space to a guest editor if the feeling so takes me. If you have any ideas to help make this column more interactive/fun/all-around awesome, just let me know.
Have a fleecey weekend.
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02-21-2009, 10:26 PM
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