Button Up: Christian and a Church Invasion

[Benjamin Button]

Buttton Up

Preview for the Rise and Fall of WCW

As the special-made grandfather’s clock that I, Benjamin Button, own, ticks backward, I see the long arrow slowly making its way from 12:05 to 12:00. If you want to know why its ticking backwards you must suffer through my movie, but the point is it’s the dark hours, it’s the perfect time for conspiring. Therefore an hour ago, I called up my feller conspirer.


The door pushes open, and, as I remain somber and sift my notebook, which is setting on my dark painted desk, he walks in the dim- lit room. Blonde haired, with an arrogant sideways grin, he has a superstar’s glow within his presence and a dull title belt on his shoulder.


“Hello, Christian.” I say, making notes in my notebook.


He snickers uncomfortably at my lack of focus. “What are you working on there, Benjamin?”


“A column for the CF. It’s going to be serious and traditional, reconciling with the ones who are pissed off by this one.”


Looking down at me, his forehead wrinkles with curiosity. “What’s it going to be about?”


“The rise and fall of WCW. Not a DVD review, mind you. This is going to be the beginning of a series, in which I will pour out my heart and my soul and explain how I loved WCW with more passion than I have loved women with.”


“Okay, that’s just weird, and what’s even weirder is my overwhelming interest in your column. Why am I so damn compelled by your column, old man?”


“Because I’m writing what you say, and I want you to help me plug it.”


“Oh, I see. Shameful,” he shakes his head, not at all amused, and leans in, resting his hands on my desk.


I remain brave, staring him face to face, as he says, “You think I came here, at this late hour, to chit-chat about your next column? I’m here for my story!”

The Curious Case of Christian (Cage)

He continues, “You told me you had a scheme that will enable you to tell the world just why I haven’t reached the pinnacle of my career! What is it? Cough it up.”


I grin, mischievously. “Yes, yes, the scheme!” I swift my desk drawer open and pull out a leather book. Christian’s eyes dilate, and I know why. He read the words that I knew damn well would shock him. He just read “Holy Bible.”


“Benjamin?” He says, questioning me with his tone of voice and gaping mouth.


“We’re going to a TV Evangelist’s church,” I say, giddy at my own brilliance. “He’s got a huge audience, but our big splash will wet more than them, it will make the national news and impact the world! I told this preacher of this strange disease I have, that makes me grow younger. Now, momma has taken me to see preachers before and I know how arrogant they can be, and the preacher, Rod Parsley, fell right into my trap. He thinks he’s going to put his hand on my forehead and yell, while spitting on me, and I’m going to pretend that he healed me, but when his eyes are shut and his hands are spread, I’m going to grab his testicles and twist them until they’re blue, then you and I will take over!”


Christian places his hand on his chin, taking it in, and then he says, “What about his, err, what you call them? In wrestling, we call them the ring crew.”


“You mean his ushers?”


“Whatever they are— they’re going to throw us out, before we can say anything!”


I confidentially reply, “I will get in their heads and remind them what an asshole Parsley’s been to them. It’ll be just like the time I got in Matt Hardy’s mind, when I told him to run his brother over.”


“Yeah, and now he’s teaming with Jeff. Look how great that one turned out.”


“You’re forgetting that the next week I got some sucker to go upstairs and peak at a girl, whom I made him think, was Stacy Keibler, and then his wife cut off his…” I stop abruptly, unable to finish my sentence. I’m laughing hysterically and slapping me knee.


“Benjamin, that’s disgusting.”


I fall out of my chair laughing, and then suddenly my legs ache, bringing my laughter to a halt. With my hands pressed to the ground, I push up a little and fall back down. Christian reaches his hand to me, helping to my feet, then he hands me my walker. He turns and walks a few feet away, pretending not to see my indignity.


On my walker, I make my way to him, and being half his height, I look to him like he’s the heavens, as I reach one hand for my desk and grab my Bible. Then, I slap his chest with it. “This will work, Christian.”


“So you’re going to make my case, Benjamin? You’re going to tell the world why I left WWE? How they didn’t use me right? You’re going to remind them how awesome I was in my feud with John Cena, how I made them laugh when I called him Vanilla Ice? You’re going to tell them how my charisma put TNA on the map? You were a fan of WCW’s, right, Benjamin? That means you had hope in TNA, but what was it like before I got there?”


“Jeff Jarrett was defecating on my hopes, each and every week.”


“So that means you’re going to tell them how hilarious I was, mocking Jeff Jarrett? You’re going to recall the time I put white pants on (well before summer), put on the sloppy wig with the curly locks, strutted as stupid as Jarrett does, put on Jarrett’s t-shirt with the”, he fakes a cough, indicating sarcasm, “marketable slogan, ‘Don’t Piss Me Off. “ As he continues he picks up a microphone, made out of thin air, tilts his head back, and raises his voice. “You’re going to tell them how I stood there, looking as stupid as Jarrett, mocking him, and saying, ‘is this what a world champion is suppose to look like?’ You’re going to tell them how catchy my line is and make ‘peops’ out of them, and I won’t disappoint them, because that’s HOW I ROLL!”


I look him up and down like he’s an abstract piece of art. “Certainly, that is how you roll, and what you did to Jarrett was quite entertaining, but…”


He interrupts, still feeling his own greatness, “You will tell them how they screwed me over in TNA. When I beat Jarrett, I was forced to the mid-card, while being champion, until Jarrett finally left! Then, when I had my chance as the top heel, TNA put no effort into my run. Look at how funny my promos were! And remember my alliance? Look how great we could have been! The best part was how I related to them. Whether I was drinking with James Storm, making fun of Tyson’s fake belt or the way Steiner talks, talking about money with Robert Rood, or outsmarting AJ Styles, we always brought the enjoyment value! Together, me and my crew could have worked as either heels or faces and could have been the most entertaining alliance in this decade, but TNA couldn’t see that. There was no urgency to make us memorable or lasting. What was the name, which we went by, again?”


“Team Christian.”


“How much thought do you think they put into that one?”


“About as much thought as it takes to fart. You have a case there, Christian. They butt-fucked you and didn’t even bother to oil you down with KY.”


“The point is I related better with Team Christian than HHH did with Evolution, than Angle does with the Mafia, than Fred does with Legacy!”


“Fred? Hmm, have you been reading too much of Beyond Knight’s stuff?”


“Benji, you’re missing the forest for a goddamn ranger! I’m telling you we could have been the best, but TNA didn’t care! They were biding their time for Kurt Angle, a man with less charisma and a much shorter shelf life than what I’ve got. They even gave him my alliance! You will tell the world this? You will tell them how TNA screwed me and how WWE is screwing me now?”



“I will,” I promise him, squinting at the ECW title on his shoulder. He must be feeling its pounds, but he doesn’t have the view of it, that I have. He doesn’t see what I see. I smirk and say, “Tomorrow, after I twist the preacher’s testicles off, the world will witness the biggest screw job, since Montreal, Quebec. Hey and bring that belt with you!”

The Church Invasion

Rod Parsley stands before me and promises my healing, but first he wants to ask me about the tall man by my side, who’s smirking and holding the ECW title. “Does he know Jesus?” the preacher inquires.


“Well, he’s been a Christian, since I’ve known him,” I cleverly assure.


Parsley shouts, “I feel the spirit of the Lord, and I believe he’s going to heal you! Shickamohotama!”


“Shit –a- hoe, Tama.” I say, nodding back at him.


You know what happens next, I twist them until they pop blood and seeds. So let’s skip to Rod Parsley lying on the ground, holding his testicles. Women are gasping. The ushers scorn him (I had gotten in their heads and now it’s paying off.) One usher elbow drops him and says, “That’s for sleeping with my wife! There’s no amount of money that’s going to make up for it, anymore!”


Another usher removes his suit jacket, loosens his tie, climbs to the top of the pulpit, jumps off, and hits a swantomb bomb. “That’s for selling a goddamn cloth to me for 1,000 bucks! You’re a fucking rip off! That’s right! I can say fuck now! Fuck, fuck, fuck!"


Old ladies grab their hearts, fall over, and shake in rapid convulsions.


Christian gives me a nudge and, in a husky voice, whispers, “Let me
introduce you. I know how to work the crowd.” He proceeds to pick up the microphone, which had lay on the dark blue altar next to Parsley. He then says, “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m here because the peops need to hear something important! I’m here because Reverend Benji is going to bring you the gospel according to Christian, I’m here to tell you at Summer Slam I will keep my ECW title because…”


The congregation shouts with him in unison, “THAT’S HOW I ROLL!”


“Thank you, Brother Christian,” I say, as I humbly take the microphone and open my Holy Bible. "Ecclesiastes chapter 3 says, There is a time for everything. and a season for every activity under the sun. A time to be born, to die, to plant, to uproot, to kill, to heal, to weep, to laugh, to mourn, to dance, to scatter stones, to gather stones, to keep, to throw away, to tear, to mend, to refrain, to embrace, to search, to give up, to be silent, to speak, to love, and to hate. A time for war and for peace.”


“What a strange verse, Reverend Button,” Christian says, elbowing me.


I turn and look up at him. “Fuck you, Christian!”


“Excuse me?”


“Fuck you! Last night, all I heard was you bragging about how many times you’ve made people laugh! How is it, that in that scripture, I just gave a list of every fucking thing you can do on the broad stage of professional wrestling, and the only things you do on that list are laugh, dance, and speak. You laugh when you should be killing! You dance when you should be hateful; you speak when you should be silent! Remember everything I said in my column about Foley, how many layers he has shown us of his character? All I’ve ever seen from you is your arrogant, smirking, wise-cracking shell. Wrestling is comedy, drama, horror, suspense, mystery, and every genre and no genre and you only give me fucking comedy!”


“So this is what this is about? You’re screwing me, while flipping through scripture, like a Goddamn soul-winner?”


“Ah, but I don’t want to save your soul. I want to see your soul! Look at the power point, behind you.”


Christian turns and looks at the blue screen. I’m waiting for it to sink into his mind. The white bold words say, “Christian screwed Christian!”


He fiercely turns to me. “So I was right? This is a screw job! When you told me there would be a screw job, you weren’t talking about twisting Parsley’s testicles; you were talking about screwing me? To think, I pitied you last night, when you lay on the floor, helpless, after laughing about antagonizing a man to lust after Stacy Keibler, only to get his dick cut off. It’s true, I suppose, that those who deserve the least amount of pity get the most. I helped you off the floor you vile, ball of wrinkles, just to have you stab me in the back with this shitty story, you’re writing.”


“Shitty story? Okay, you want to know the truth? Here it is. I had a masterpiece- case for you that I couldn’t wait to tell everyone here in the CF. You, Christian, are the first man, whom I mark for, featured in my columns. I was going to tell them all about the potential I see in you, that you could have the entertainment value of Ric Flair. I was going to expose the companies that screwed you! I was going to do your bragging, because sometimes you have made us laugh, and I was going to tell them why your character has lacked the best and worst of every emotion, excluding laughter. My spin was going to be that your lackluster storylines didn’t allow you to show more sides of your personality than the little you've shown us. But through researching videos and through critical thinking, I discovered my bias and that you sink or swim on your humor, alone. Humor is subjective! Some may have thought you funny when you made your epic return and mocked Jack Swagger for spitting as he talks. What I saw was a man trying too damn hard to be funny when he should have been serious. So WWE screwed you, again. What are you going to do? Run back to TNA? Unlike me, you’re not getting any younger. Now is the time to step up. Because that belt your holding…it’s a joke. You will either make it mean something, or you will perish with it.”


He kicks my walker out from under me, and as I crawl on the carpet, he stares at me with hate fuming from his face. Happy to see his hatred, I crawl away from him, smiling.

[Box Car Rocco]

A very interesting way to look at Christian's TNA run and WWE return and I was intrigued the whole way through. I missed Christians TNA run pre teaming with Rhino so it was a nice little summary for me.

However, there were a couple of errors here and there like calling Robert Roode "Robert Rood". I guess it isn't as bad as Tazz calling him Robert Room but it is something to watch out for.

Read you next time Benjamin.

['Plan]

Yo dude. I must ashamedly admit on the off this is the first of your columns I have read. I've fallen behind in my CF reading recently and with the last Power 10 from Joey and Xan I opted to get back on track!

I've heard good things and I can see why. Very few, if any technical errors and it was most certainly entertaining. As BCR has already said, it was an interesting way to take a look at Christian's career and, in honesty, I too have felt slightly underwhelmed by his work since his return.

I do have a little criticism though. At times the prose/dialogue felt, at least to me, a little clunky. That is to say, at times it felt like the reader was being told the information they needed as opposed to being allowed to discover it, which would allow everything to feel a little more natural. For example, here, I think you would have benefitted at times to write some parts from the perspective of Christian. I think that because you wrote from the perspective of the character that new what was going to happen, the reader wasn't allowed to be pulled along at the same time as Christian was and I feel at times it hindered you from expressing your full range of skills, which I can tell you possess. Have you considered about writing from the perspective of whichever character you're including instead of kind Mr. Button yourself? It might be kinda cool and build up a certain mystique.

But hey, I hope I don't sound like a Scrooge! You're clearly a very talented writer and I look forward to reading your columns from now on!

[Creeping Death]

Ummm...fuck. This was rather....interesting. I want to think of another word for this, but I really can't. Interestingly good is all I got. Outside of a few formatting errors, and saying peops instead of peeps, I was impressed. But it seems as though you have a fascination with penis. You either cut them off, or twist the testes. I'm kind of scared what's going to happen next.

Crazy good read, catch ya next time.

[Leonard]

Hi Ben. This is the first work of yours I've read, and I'm impressed. You've quite the handle on the written word, and your storytelling kept me hooked throughout. Though I do agree with 'Plan that maybe your writing would benefit from a different point of view, to add more suspense. That's only one minor critique from here though...you keep writing, I'll keep reading. Good work.

--Leonard

[Andy]

I know I'm in the minority here, but I didn't like this. It failed to hold my interest and I got totally lost half way through. You seem to be improving your grammar and spelling though, and the others seemed to like it, which is a plus.

[Super Chrisss]

Hey Benjamin! First off, props for making the CF Top 10! Just don't let it go to your head now

As for the column, it was pretty interesting. Like the others mentioned, some errors here and there but nothing too serious. I liked the mixing of colors as it helped tell the story.

Good stuff Benjie, keep it up!

[Freeman]

Not your best here for me Benjersaurus, I wasn't really feeling it this time. It took ages for me to get into it, the middle bit was good but it really tailed off at the end. At times, it was quite difficult to follow, probably due to the narrative being quite dense, and I came away not really knowing what the hell happened!

However, it seems like you've got positive reviews so far, and you will probably continue to get positive reviews, so I suppose you can just count me as a minority that didn't enjoy it. Ah well, can't please everyone, and you continue to grow as writer, so positives can be taken from this. Hope you appreciate the honesty my friend.

[Benjamin Button]

BCR-

A very interesting way to look at Christian's TNA run and WWE return and I was intrigued the whole way through

It is hghly important to me that people understand my art. Therefore, I'm very glad you got it. That was what I was trying to do in a nutshell.

BCR-

there were a couple of errors here and there like calling Robert Roode "Robert Rood". I guess it isn't as bad as Tazz calling him Robert Room

Dually noted

Plan-

Yo dude. I must ashamedly admit on the off this is the first of your columns I have read.

No worries, Plan, you have to start sometime.

Plan-

the reader wasn't allowed to be pulled along at the same time as Christian was and I feel at times it hindered you from expressing your full range of skills, which I can tell you possess. Have you considered about writing from the perspective of whichever character you're including instead of kind Mr. Button yourself?

Upon re-reading some of my column, your advice is right on. Good call.

CD-

Ummm...fuck.

I'd rather not.

But it seems as though you have a fascination with penis.

Still..

Len-

You've quite the handle on the written word, and your storytelling kept me hooked throughout.

That alone is enough to make the effort worthwhile, my friend.

Andy-

I know I'm in the minority here, but I didn't like this.

Then I failed you, but I'll come back.

Triple S-

"First off, props for making the CF Top 10! Just don't let it go to your head now "

Ah, opinions come and go, but I must admit their plug got me a couple of more readers. Therefore, i'm more focused on making the most of that than getting off on my lucky self for making the list, this time around.

Freeman -

At times, it was quite difficult to follow, probably due to the narrative being quite dense

Yes, that certainly makes it challenging.

you will probably continue to get positive reviews

We'll see but usually in matters such as column replies, when the pendulum starts to swing in the other direction, it only continues to do so.

Hope you appreciate the honesty my friend.

Yes, I do, and I value your opinion, whether positive or negative, I know it will always better me.

[Uncle Joe]

Hello there Mr. Button


This irked me

As the special-made grandfather’s clock that I, Benjamin Button, own, ticks backward,

Too many goddamn commas, but I know what you were going for.



This however, pleased me.

I see the long arrow slowly making its way from 12:05 to 12:00. If you want to know why its ticking backwards you must suffer through my movie,

If I had that clock, then it would give me hope, that one day, I would have never seen your overly drawn out movie.



You do have a way with words Mr. Benjamin.Christian is a very very good, damn good wrestler and overall entertainer, but his matches in TNA haven't been that great; his matches with Finlay and Regal alone have been better than most of his work, but this isn't about that. You are an interesting and witting writer Mr. Button.

[Cult Icon]

this is the first i believe ive read of your benjamin, and i personally enjoyed it. was very engaging and entertaining throughout. there were some grammar things that ppl have pointed out, but it honestly didnt take away from the story or what you were trying to get across. very nice work, i will read you again soon.

[XanMan]

Ben, you keep taking baby steps of improvement here and there, and this was another along those lines. You're quickly becoming a top 5 writer here, as evidenced by your quick placement into the Power 10. Nice job here. Personally, I've no problems with your comma placement or using "peops," as the word that it shortens actually is "people." Anyway, me likes, and I think you may have hit the nail on the head why I've actually never connected with Christian...perhaps he's Ray Romano in wrestler form. Both think they are funnier than they are and aren't believable when serious.

[LimeFlavored]

I got bored halfway through, sorry. The spelling and grammar was good. I like the premise, I just haven't seen the movie (nor do I have a desire to) so the "gimmick" was a little lost on me. The revisiting of Christian's run was a good topic, I just wasn't sure about the execution.

And it was a tad long.

[Benjamin Button]

Joe-

If I had that clock, then it would give me hope, that one day, I would have never seen your overly drawn out movie.

You know you loved the old man with heterosexual passion.

You are an interesting and witting writer Mr. Button.

Why thank you. I certainly try.

Xan-

I think you may have hit the nail on the head why I've actually never connected with Christian...perhaps he's Ray Romano in wrestler form. Both think they are funnier than they are and aren't believable when serious

Great comparison there. Gets the point across much better than a story about an old man twisting a preacher's testicles, I suppose.


Cult Icon-

it. was very engaging and entertaining throughout.

Thanks Icon! I'm sure it kept everyone's interest.

Lime Flavored-

I got bored halfway through, sorry.

Well, maybe not...