Not The Knight's Report # 15 - SummerFest Predictions (Read It Anyway Nation)

[BeyondKnight]

When I began The Knight’s Report, there were certain things that I told myself that I wasn’t going to do. The Report wasn’t going to be the same as the other programming on the CF network. The common, predications, reviews, tributes, and fantasy booking scenarios would have no place on The Report. Instead I proclaimed my righteousness to the world, with my trademark effervescence and charm. And while I may not have been the most prolific host around, there was never a show that I wasn’t proud of. I never produced a show just to meet a quota or resorted to a generic topic because I couldn’t think of anything better.

But The Knight’s Report has been stolen away from me, along with the graphic department and the rest of the network resources. For now, it’s only me and my words. So it seems that the only way to redeem myself is to try and become more than just the CF Network’s “comedy act” or “goofy sidekick”. Your Beacon of Knowledge and Wisdom has decided to hike down these well trodden roads in an act of purification. Don’t fret too much though Nation, because even though I am going where many have gone before, I will do it with the same gusto, charisma, and wit that only your friendly neighborhood BK can provide. Or at least whoever I decide emulate instead of The Colbert Report can provide…

If I were to say “let’s do it” do you think Hustle would cry foul? Meh, that’s his problem not mine. Instead I turn some old standbys from my childhood.

“By the Power or Predication-Skull” *lighting blast* BK! I HAVE THE POWER… to write a prediction column.

Or…

“Ancient Spirits of Column Archtypes. Transfrom this Decaying Form into BK-Ra, The Ever Living Prediction Host”

No No, I got it!

*whips out Power Morpher* It’s Predictin’ Time!: WWE Summerslam Prediction Power!

What? Fine. Screw you Heretics. How about I just placate you with random idiocy instead? It’s the flavor around these parts nowadays… Boners, Joints, Predictions, Oh My! That’s column genius right there… Point me to the main page post haste! I don’t know why I bothered trying to produce something remotely different when that drivel was so clearly the path to fame and fortune…

God I miss my show.

Thanks to a gaffe by Jeremy Piven, WWE SummerFest is almost upon us. And I ask you this Nation, why was it that his silly name was almost universally accepted and now is being freely used and bantered about and I have still yet to see one Fred sign or hear a Fred chant? For shame Nation, for shame. While I appreciate all the little quote unquote “Fred shout-outs” I see in other programming, someone needs to have the bravery and tenacity to be the first to get that sign onto television. Why don’t I do it myself you ask? Wife of BK insists that diapers and clothing for the tiny BK’s are much more important, thus my seats are never that good. Think about it though Nation; it will make you look cool to people on the internet and if that wasn’t a driving force in your life you wouldn’t be here. Just sayin’.

Anyway back to our topic, (at least for the moment) SummerSlam is upon us and it seems Vince and Company have decided to make the event the number 2 date on the WWE’s social calendar. And in true IWC fashion, people immediately began to lose their shit. Nation, if WWE wants to make SummerSlam as big of a production as Wrestlemania is, I fail to see the problem here. How is creating an environment similar to Wrestlemania a bad thing? Seriously Heretics, sometimes ya’ll bitch for no other reason than to bitch.

All things considered, I think that WWE has brought us the biggest SummerSlam card that is possible at this moment in time. They have scheduled it in the major market of LA and coupled it with a fan access event. And as far as promotion goes, I believe WWE learned from their mistakes with Wrestlemania 25. That event was so hyped up as the quote unquote “end-all be-all”, it was almost impossible for it not to disappoint. SummerSlam has been promoted but not to the point where anyone really expects it be life-altering. And with the exception of the Aerosmith theme, I’ve really liked the design scheme for the event. The throwback card flyer with the 70s style font and stars is a good choice. The superimposed grain and film dirt in the ads is an especially nice touch. Your friendly neighborhood BK is just a theatre techie at heart, so I am hoping that the stage design and lighting scheme are equally vintage looking.

I understand there are those of you out there that might not be as excited as I am about this. So let’s take a look at the card and see if we can’t get some of those juices flowing. Interns, hand me the juicer!!... Sorry Nation, I got so excited I forgot that I am all alone in this now.

Let start out with the match that I have heard the most bitching about:

Kane Vs The Great Khali

Nation, television does not do that huge Indian man justice. Trust me I know. He nearly killed me in a Wal-mart in State College. Ok, truthfully he was perfectly cordial to us as we said hello and shook his enormous hand. He then proceeded with his purchase of bananas and shampoo and wished us a pleasant evening in his garbled English, all the while decked out in a pink polo shirt that just had to been to be believed. But it makes a better story the way we told it to kids sitting in front of us the next night at the Raw. “He grabbed me by the throat and threatened me for my loyalty to John Cena.” And later when he slammed HBK through a table I repeated “See kids, that could have been me,”. Naturally, I’ll tell this story again during the PPV because it will be much more interesting than the match itself, but hey it’s only 10 minutes out of your life. So suck it up and just mark out to Kane’s pyro. Besides, Taker might come back, so does it really matter the outcome?

MVP vs Jack Swagger

If you listen to my BK/Xanny Power Hour partner (hey, I can call it what I want here Xan, so shut it!) this is match that he feels should be headlining the show. I respectfully disagree, but either way this should be an entertaining match. Both of these guys need to prove that they are ready for the main event and if things are done well, seeds of potential could easily be planted throughout this match. While some with proclaim this “the show stealer”, I think it will only be a passable mid card match. This feud is far from over so don’t expect the payoff yet. Hell, another DQ victory isn’t far out of the realm of possibility.

Christian Vs William Regal – ECW Title

Nation, I’ve never been one of Christian’s peeps. While everyone else and their brother seem to think he is headed for the main event, I think that he is probably in the midst of a career high. So let him soak it up while he can. When Miz left Raw I though maybe he’d head for the C-show main event and challenge for the ECW Silver. Instead we’ve got William Regal. Again, I’m sure it will be a good little match but I don’t think either competitor’s prestige will skyrocket because of it. I think I see a Dreamer heel turn involved in this feud but I don’t think we are there yet. This it the match I am voting “most likely for BK to go and make a sandwich during”. Ya’ll tell me how it turns out.

Rey Mysterio Vs Dolph Ziggler - IC Title

Dolph can be the next breakout star of the WWE if they do it right. The fact that he is slowly skanking out Maria is hella-righteous (I’m trying it out Nation). While some people think it might make him look weak, I think screwing over Mysterio for the belt is of the utmost importance in the development of the character. Nothing gets a more visceral reaction from the kids (and the kids inside us) than making them witness to their hero’s downfall though treachery. This match has the potential to be the sleeper hit of the night and could easily be both Ziggler’s and Rey’s ticket back to the main event.

JeriShow Vs Cryme Time – Unified Tag Team Titles

First off Nation, let me say that I love how WWE is using the Tag Team titles as a kayfabe justification to have their talent appear cross branded. Also, having two former Multi-time World Champions as the current holders is doing wonders for the belts’ prestige. Jericho and Show are great WWE talent. They add quite a bit of intrigue to whatever show they are appearing on and if they are willing to do double duty, more power to them. I can’t say the same for Cryme Time. In a strange way I am digging the random, almost haphazard pairing of Don’t Call Me Y2J and Show more then Jericho and Edge. Chris has adopted the Roosevelt ideal “Speak softly and carry a Big Show”, and it is seriously working for these two. If they aren’t careful they are going to be turned face almost by accident. If only there was another tag team of incredibly popular multi-time world champions to feud with the belts over...

Degeneration X Vs The Legacy

Listen Heretics, I’ve heard all the complaints already. It’s a tag team match that is billed over the titles, it’ll just be a squash, blah friggity blah, blah, blah. The fact of the matter is, there are very few commodities in wrestling today that bring the same excitement level to an audience that DX does. They are fun to watch, they are fun to listen to, and they are fun to be standing live in the crowd and cheering for. I’ve got tickets to WWE Bragging Rights in October and I hope and pray that DX is still going strong by then. And I don’t even care who wins this match. My only hope is that DX is able to show Legacy that they are capable of being more than just Fred’s lackey’s. I think that between the four guys in this match there is ample possibility for real chemistry. Heretics, this one might surprise you.

John Cena Vs Fred

Nation, I cannot say how extremely disappointed I am in Fred lately. Seriously someone get the man a dictionary and show him that there is a difference between the psychotic and unhinged character he is supposed to be portraying and the stoic and wooden performances he is turning in. He’s not even a likeable villain anymore. I started the whole Fred mantra basically to annoy his most deluded followers but now I just feel sorry for them. Week after week Orton just seems to be bored with everything, going through the motions, putting in the least effort possible. I’m sick of it. I would love to see Rhodes, Dibiase, and maybe Swagger usurp control of Legacy from him, forcing a scenario that would at least add some depth to his almost non-existent character. In the meantime, I’ll settle for watching Cena show Fred who the true icon of the WWE modern age is.

Jeff Hardy Vs CM Punk

We live in a world where despite having Cena, Fred, HHH, HBK, Jericho, and Taker all on the roster, WWE is about to take a huge hit with the possible departure of Jeff Hardy. Let that sink in for a moment. Jeff Hardy is by far the hottest commodity in the entire company. And he’s leaving. I think.

Honestly WWE has done a tremendous job over the last few months with their booking of this feud that I have no idea what is going to go down. I think there is a 50/50 chance that he’ll retain. Maybe he’ll be “injured” and be “forced to take time off”. Maybe Punk will fake a Wellness violation. Maybe WWE will job him out as punishment for wanting time off. Maybe Matt Hardy is going to be given Jeff’s spot. Maybe John Morrison. Maybe WWE is going to try and double turn CM and Jeff so that when Jeff leaves we are all happy and CM Punk is the new hottest thing going. Maybe this is where the Undertaker will return. I think this is probably one of the most anticipated scenarios in recent memory. And honestly Nation, the outcome doesn’t matter. They can swerve us, fan service us, whatever. Either way I think it’s going to be one helluva main event and when the watermark hits we are all going to be excited to see where the story goes come Friday Night Smackdown. That’s what is really important Nation, and it’s part of the true beauty of SummerSlam. SummerSlam is like WWE’s season premiere, it’s going to wrap up some lose ends from the previous finale and gets us pumped for what is coming down the road.

Well Nation, even though it was kind of standard, it was a deviation of sorts for me. I’m sure one of those math nerds will say that’s not what a standard deviation is, but screw math and the fact police that try to enforce it.

Good Night Nation!

['Plan]

Woah! I'm feeding back a column! Hopefully this will get me back into the swing of it!

I felt a need to say something here BK. There were no graphics. There wasn't quite the same substance we've come to expect from you. Hell, there were even less Fred references...which, by the way, is a good thing. Let's roll with that, eh? Hahah. And none of that matters because you delivered on your promise to predict with charisma and panache and other similar fancy words for "wonderously." Point being I felt I should give you a nicely earned pat on the back for a job well done!

My main reason for feeding back is because Summerslam has wound up looking nothing like what I was hoping for. Perhaps somewhat in vain I originally hoped for Orton/Ted but it looks like they're holding off on that, thank god! I was just disappointed I have to wait longer for that classic in the making. Failing that I was hoping against hope for something like Orton/Bourne or Orton/MVP but again, it was not to be. And that's just one example. In short, WWE had sort of killed my enthusiasm...

...and you've recreated it! I'm now very excited for Summerslam can ya believe! You've got me anticipating matches I had previously been dreading although I'm somewhat upset you'd choose to make a snack during Christian/Regal instead of Kane/Khali. Psht. It should be a strong event and for the record, I too am loving the aesthetic theme they've gone for this year. My sheer hatred for TLC bouts aside, it should be an entertaining evening. Thanks for giving me my excitement back Mister!

And that's all that needs to be said I feel. A nice entertaining prediction column that has seen my anticipation rise from the ashes. Oh...just...watch you don't address the Nation directly too many times. It has the potential to get annoying and alienate readers. It doesn't by any means, but just be wary of it.

Read ya next time BK!

[Box Car Rocco]

This is the first Summerslam predictions to hit the CF and I'll take a guess in saying that it will be the best. I could say that your narrative and humour made it good, which it did, but what I liked is the fact I have no idea about half the matches on Summerslam and you informed me nicely.

Good to see you getting another column out BK, hope it isn't the last for a while.

[Super Chrisss]

Dude, it's SummerSlam. Since it's ALMOST as big as Wrestlemania (or so the WWE wants us to believe), I think you are allowed to do a prediction column this one time. No harm done.

Very well written, but you would seriously watch the Kane/Khali match rather than the ECW match? Seriously? Okay, no comment.

Have fun at Bragging Rights as I will be attending Breaking Point next month. We're a couple of lucky bastards, aren't we?

[Uncle Joe]

lol.


Christian/Regal is the match you're going to go skip out on? For shame BK, for shame. That should be the required Diva match that will take place at SS.

[Andy]

I purposely left reading this until closer to the event because I thought it would excite me for it, and it did! So top marks with that one. I think that the humourous yet mature discussion made this stand-out from normal prediction columns. There's not much that could have made this better apart from the fact that I would have liked you to clearly state who you think would win, because I'm still unsure as to whom you think will win in certain matches.

Job well done.

[Petre Dyche]

If anyone can make a prediction column readable it's you bro. I liked how it focussed on the positives of the PPV and you didn't complain like some of the emo bitches around here.

Would a "MAN AND MACHINE - PREDICTIONS EXTEME!!" have gone amiss though? Really?

[Brilliant]

SummerSlam is like WWE’s season premiere, it’s going to wrap up some lose ends from the previous finale and gets us pumped for what is coming down the road.

Wonderful.

Please keep me updated as to what kind of sandwich you make during what will probably be the 2nd best MoTN, and Ill keep you up to date as to what your missing if you'd like.

Baby BK dont need diapers, man that kid up and get him using the potty/latrine/outhouse/litter box.

[Uncle Joe]

Wow, I stand corrected.

[BeyondKnight]

'Plan

Thank you for the praise! I hope that you were able to enjoy the event WWE presented and that I had rekindled your enthusiasm for. As far as Nation is concerned, I try not to completely over do it, but the ridiculousness is just part of my narrator character.

BCR,

I don't know if it's the best, but I was trying to go for a different style of prediction column. If you notice, there weren't any actual predictions. Instead it was just me talking about the PPV and it's lead ins, the same way I do when I sit down to BS with my buddies about wrestling. That was a deliberate choice and I'm glad it was received well. I'm trying to get onto a more consistant basis. I'm one a month now and I am going to try and acceleate that to 3 weeks. Although if you factor in ETA's I'm having the month of my life!

Chrissssss,

I like Kane. I like Khali. Once you see them in person it boggles the mind so even if their matches aren't 5 star classics, they are usually spectacle. I thought their match at SS was perfect for what it was supposed to be. Breaking Point next month eh? Any chance for that Fred sign?

Unkie J,

For the record it turned out to be grabbing a slice of pizza and I barely had time for that. Hope I at least made the column worth your time.

Andy,

I specifically didn't want to predict winners and I'll tell you why. When we focus too much on the desired outcome of the match and that doesn't happen, I think it has the potential to become quite detrimental on the viewer. For example, suppose that if my only focus was on Legacy beating DX. That didn't happen last night, but I think that Legacy was elevated and didn't lose any ground, and DX was still able to be a spectacle and entertain the majority of the audience.

PD,

If I ever become an "emo bitch" it will be time for me to retire, show or no show. Sometimes I think that I am in a unique position because I genuinely enjoy WWE programming, not just the idealized memories I have of it from a bygone era. I like I said, I didn't really predict winners because the winner of the match isn't what is important. At least to me.

Bril,

If MoTN stood for Move of The Night then I guess you were correct. For the record, I did watch the ECW match and I liked how they did it. It is a good building block for the storyline. And even though Christian "won" he didn't come out looking like a winner. And while lil BK is still in diapers, honest to god he imitated Jack Swagger last night during his entrance.

Joe,

Told you.


Thanks everyone for the feeds.

[XanMan]

Great work, BK. You were spot on all the way through with your predictions--other than the one for Orton, which is a pretty good ratio. Voice still needs a little work, but I like what you're doing here. Keep it up. BTW, if you get other people to start calling it the Power Hour, it's going to be cancelled.

[LimeFlavored]

The column started out fairly good, then when you got to the first few predictions, you were losing me... too much ego, I think. Then, I started laughing, out loud, and my wife asked me what was so funny.

"He calls Orton 'Fred.'" Why is that so funny? I don't know but I'm still chuckling as I write this.

Great column.

[The Maz]

^^^ Ah I remember those days, reading BK columns and not knowing WTF was going on but liking it.

So, I didnt know WTF was going on here but I liked it. Seriously though, very interesting take on prediction column even though I am only reading after reviewing the damn thing. You called it pretty well too.

In other news, we will be good to go for next week.