That Sure is Gaping

[Uncle Joe]

So I’m talking to Azhab, and I’m going over the time I fisted this girl that I knew.

Wait; let me start from the beginning.

I was at work the other day, when there were a surprisingly low number of people filling out some RX’s, so I figured I would humor Azhab with some tales of my yesteryears. See, Azhab is the Head Pharmacist, hails from something-Stan, and is a good natured guy, if a bit of a maroon. Seeing as how it was dead, I approach Azhab, who at the time was going over some numbers;


Joe: Yoooo Azhab.

A: Hey Joe, wassup buddy?

J: I wanna tell you a funny story that happened to me when I was younger.

A: Oooo I like jokes.

J: Well, when I was around 18 years old, I was dating this woman named Isla. Now Isla was a bit older than I (25), but she saw I could hang with the best of them, so my age wasn’t that big of a deal. Isla and I were going out for a few months, so obviously things happened between two very consenting adults.

A: Things like what?

J: Well, if you really wanna know, she blew me at her brother’s house when we went over for a round of Scrabble, and she even tried licking my taint this one time at her office bathroom.

A: I meant things besides sex Joe, like love and advancements of your feelings towards each other.

J: You’ve been reading The Notebook again haven’t you Az? Stop that fairy shit. Anyway, so one day I’m at my home and I get a call from her.

A: From who?

J: Are you serious? Whatever, Isla calls me and tells me that she needs a hand with something, that I need to come over as soon as I can. So I get dressed, head downstairs and call a cab. 7 uneventful minutes later, I’m at her flat. I unlock the front door, and I see she isn’t in the living room, since that’s the first room you hit at her place. Out of nowhere she yells for me to come to the bedroom, so that’s where I head. Assuming I was going to move her stupid t.v., to say that I was shocked as shit would be an understatement as I see her laying down ass naked; clitoris as high in the air as the smoke from the end of TBK’s joint.



At this point in the story, Azhab’s face was like that of a kid who first sees a dinosaur up close.


J: I should have known what was up, because she had on some electronica. See, Isla liked to play her music while she had sex for whatever reason. And she likes to play it loud; I mean LOUD. I climb the bed, and we get down to business. At one point, I have her bent over when she starts to say something inaudible. Having her music playing to the point that a deaf man would call the cops on her, I ask her to repeat herself and I finally heard what she said. I ask her if she’s sure and she goes “of course I am baby”. So I reach over to the nightstand, rub Astroglide all over and just take a quick glance at Isla, who was strangely puckering her lips for some reason. So I do a Hail Mary and . . . plunge my hand deep inside her cunt.

A: . . .

J: I mean, I start with one finger obviously, and then go from 1 to 2, then 3 then bam Mr. Fisty. I was nervous but then I just did it, because what the hell, it’s what she wanted right? This bitch then has the nerve to start screaming at me, asking me what the hell I was doing and if am I some sick bastard. All these hurtful things, when it was her fucked up mind asking for it. We argued to the point that I told her I was just going to leave and I did just that. Later in the day, I call her to clear the air.



Ring . . . riiing. . .

J: Hey Isla.


I: Inaudible yelling and cursing.


J: Calm down, calm down. Look, I feel bad and I wanted to clear the air. Why were you yelling at me?


I: Inaudible yelling and cursing.


J: I know that’s why you’re yelling at me, but I mean why; I was doing what you told me to do.


I: Audible speech.


J: OOOOOOOOO you said “Kiss Me”. My bad.



We broke up 3 days later.


So yeah, on to the column.

CHICKS DIG FISTING: TOP WRESTLING BRAWLS

First match up:

Vader vs. Stan “the Lariat” Hansen

Feb. 10 1990.


Two of the stiffest hosses in the history of wrestling were pit to square off when Vader and Hansen wrestled at the NJPW vs. AJPW at the famed and historical Tokyo Dome. And the end result was one of the most brutal displays of physicality that wrestling has seen since that time Warrior caught Vince looking at him shower. Don’t get me wrong; the match itself was shit, but I’m not rating the match based on enjoyment. Many of you already know of this match, but for those of you that don’t; the match was so brutal and stiff that Hansen inadvertently popped one of Vader’s eyeballs out. The bout was called a no contest, and from the fans in the stands to the tricks in the ring, there indeed was no winner to be found.


Let’s see where it racks up on the Intense – o – meter , brought to you by KY Brand INTENSE for HER. The first and only arousal gel from K-Y, help stimulate your partner when she needs it the most. K-Y Brand; where accidents happen.





3.5 KY’s: I mean Vader lost an ucking eye here. Let’s go to the next match.








Samoa Joe vs The Necro Butcher

Sometime in 2006

Samoa Joe, back before he wasn’t a total waste of space, was one of the more revered grapplers on the internet. I’m not going to try and act like I know why people were in love with the pudge, but man were they fawning over this guy. And the man on the other corner, the Necro Butcher. He made his name wrestling in several hardcore hardcore matches, matches that included light bulbs, cement tables; you know, backyard wrestling shit. But he somehow managed to stand out amongst the yardtards and even had people go as far as to say he could be the next Mic Foley or even the next Bruiser Brody. Take Joe and his stiff fat man style, Necro with his “homeless man fighting for a sandwich” style, and you’d come up with a solution so combustible it would explode your nads. Unlike the previous match, this one was pretty good; it was just Joe beating the shit out of poor old Necro for 16 or so minutes. At one point they went into the crowd, Joe sat him down and just started kicking the shit out of his face . . . with his foot. Though Necro got his shit back, throwing the guardrail into Joe’s dough like body whilst in the ring. I could provide the clip, but fuck it.





4.12 KY’s : Necro takes the shit and can dish it out, but fuck does he take it.









Jeff Hardy vs. Umaga

Any of them, 2008-09.


The year was scattered with Hardy/Umaga contests, yet these two could do no wrong. Whether it be two RAW’s back to back, to going on a Pay Per View, or wrestling every 6 weeks, these two would always bring it (Orton/H, takes notes). You can literally take any of their matches and not take a bad one out of the bunch, but like I said earlier, I’m not rating these on their merits, just brutality. If you didn’t already notice, Umaga is a huge fat turd, and Jeff is a small, colorful turd. So when Umaga sits on Jeff’s chest, it’s believable that Jeff could die from the smell of Umaga’s unwashed taint, so his comeback attempts were that much rewarding. Take their oh-so-random cage match the week before Jeff was supposed to face Orton for the WWE Title. The match was 2/3 of Umaga just decimating Jeff, with Jeff just taking the hits like the meth champ he is. At the end, dude pulls out a Whisper in the Wind off of the top of the cage for the win.




4.12 KY’s: Because I’m a lazy bastard and didn’t want to do a new graphic for this shit.








The Rock vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin

April 14th, 2006-ish


Everyone over the age of 9 remembers this angle; the Rock is back for one last hurrah, and since creative have shit for him and the 2nd biggest star of the Attitude Era to do at the show, he made up some shit about wanting to do something he never did, which was turn down a Disney script, and beat Austin at Mania. After weeks of build up, the match is finally here. But with a snafu; Austin is reportedly sick; so sick in fact, that he might actually pull out of the match. But no worries, he would end up wrestling. Back to the match; The Rock makes his entrance to the chorus of half boos, half cheers. Austin then comes out. While walking down the ramp, Mr. Maiavia noticed that Austin has a boner popped. “He must be sick, that’s not much of a boner” Dwayne thought as he watched Austin parade around. Austin gets in the ring and goes to all four corners and doing his lil’ routine, showing the world his freshly minted and newly popped boner; not to be outdone, the Rock pops a boner of his own and proceeds to show his set off.

The bell rings and these two immediately get at it. After a few minutes of trading punches, The Rock whips Austin to the corner, and Austin tries to muster up a boner, but due to his sickliness, he could not. The Rock then unleashes an even bigger boner that he previously had, much to the delight of the crowd as they go CRAZY; boner Crazy. After much one sided poppage, the Rock counters a Stunner into the Rock Bottom. Having Austin dead middle in the ring, the Rock sets up for the People’s Elbow. He slowly takes off the elbow pads, waves his arms telling the children to cross the street, runs against the ropes, jumps over Austin, bounces off the other set of ropes and is over Austin when the Rock stops. He stops, reaches into his tights and pulls out the fattest joint to ever hit America. After taking a puff off of the People’s Joint, the Rock exhales and mutters ‘That’s what I’ve always been cooking” and delivers a boner popping elbow, and brings home the win.


Tallies:

Boners popped: 19
Joints Smoked: 1








Now onto the last match.


Bruiser Brody vs. the Knife

The legend known as Bruiser Brody was one of the highest drawing wrestlers of all time, and he was also a massive cock; this guy makes Hogan look like The Brooklyn Brawler in terms of wanting to lay down for people. But also like Hogan, this guy was massively talented and packed in arenas like DiBiase packs fudge. The match actually took place after Brody had his match earlier in the show, with Jose Huertas . . . and a knife . . . and . . . well.

Whatever happens on La Isla, stays on La Isla.



5 KY’s: That nigga died son.

APOLOGY and ACCEPTANCE.

Some of you may know my long standing, one sided rivalry with one Jeff Hardy. Some of you may also get the whole fisting analogy through this entire column. So right now, I’m going to swallow my pride, bend over, spread my cheeks and fist myself; Jeff Hardy is great. But not only is he great, but in my expert (lol) opinion, he is the best wrestler in the WWE today.

Yes I said it. Jeff Hardy; not Chris Jericho, not John Cena, not CM Punk, but Jeff Hardy is the best wrestler in the company today.


Some of you are going to argue Cena, and while he was my 2007 WOTY (wrestler of the year), he’s been ass ever since he came back from filming that movie about the rounds; I think it was a boxing movie. Anyway, aside from the Swagger match (which went from being a sneaky good match to being vastly overrated by the lot of you), the Trips match from RAW, and one of his Miz matches, he’s been blah. And for those of you who wanna say the Edge match, I think Edge finally outworked Cena for the first time out of all their bouts and his year has been better overall than Cena’s.

Many of you will, however, argue that Jericho is the best wrestler in the WWE at this point in time. While he has been on fire (promo wise) and has had some stellar matches, but I can attribute that moreso to the opponents style’s that he’s been facing, on top of the fact that the nigga GETS TO CHOSE WHO HE WORKS/FEUDS WITH. Hardy and Jericho have almost fought all of the same opponents, so let’s see which matches were better:


Umaga/Hardy vs. Jericho/Hardy: Hardy
Punk/Hardy vs. Jericho/Punk: Jericho
Orton/Hardy vs. Jericho/Orton: Hardy
HHH/Hardy vs. Jericho/HHH: Hardy
Hardy vs. Jericho: A draw?


And if one were to make an argument for argument’s sake, Hardy/Henry would not only be semi great, it’d be infinitely better than anything Jericho/Henry did. But what I would really wanna see is Hardy/Mysterio (who has a case for WOTD, Wrestler of the Decade)

And a small minority of you will argue that CM Punk is the best wrestler in the WWE. Well, stop biting pillows.


Well, that about wraps it up kiddies. Bye.





Wait, I promised to take your emails, so I’ll do that. Any questions can be emailed to me at joerivera86@gmail.com, as I am taking emails live. Yes, you heard me; live. But before we begin, I’d like to give my condolences out to Chucky Weezy F. Babiie, for he lost his daughter, Laquashia Rutherford Bentley G. Babiie, in the park. Keep him in your prayers.

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s take our first emailer. Also, to would be emailers, please keep the questions fresh and current.



Keith from Montana writes:


No fuck that, you’re from Montana; next email.


Marie from Montpellier, France writes:

Ello Joe. I was wondering where do you see MVP going after his match with HHH on RAW from this past week?

Fuck if I know.



Our next email is from . . . hey look at this; it’s LOP’s own Johnny Boomerang.

JB asks:

I fancy a wager between you and I in which we shall pollock a few chips and then bully around some crumpets in a happenstance of great tomfoolery: thoughts?


What?


Greg from Southern Cal ponders:

Joe, I got this brand new puppy about 3 weeks ago, and I love it. But he keeps taking these shits all over the house, and I don’t know how to get him to stop. And man I’ve tried everything; I’ve tried telling him no, I’ve tried rubbing his nose in it, I’ve tried punting him across my living room, and I even turned him on his back and put out my lit cigarette on his belly, but no luck. Any tips?

GNR.



Alright, one more email and then I think we’ll go on our way.



Paul from Minnesota writes:

Joe, what’s up bro? If you could bring back any person that’s been released and not back with the company, who would it be?

Well Paul, there quite a few names I’m thinking of, but the main one is Joey Matthews. This guy has “it”, and gets “it” but I don’t think I’ll ever see him on my WWE programming ever again. Back when MnM was together, he and Morrison fit each other to a tee: Matthews was the ring veteran who knew how to tie a match together and was the expert, and Morrison was the Flashy fag; the guy who could hit a triple moonsault and look like Bruno’s cousin. Back when I saw my first ROH show live, he was wrestling Kevin Steen, and I’ll never forget it. It was the 5th match on the card or so, but he had a presence in the ring that all the other guys clearly lacked, other than Danielson. He also knew how to do the little things on how to draw heat, as he basically did the WWE Offense 101, which pissed off the crowd to no end. His moves made sense and he sold pretty well too. Plus I think he got a bad rap when he was released, because the guy got his FUCKING FACE SMASHED THE FUCK IN, and wrestled just like 2 weeks later, and they want to release him because he was overdoing it on the pain killers? No shit. But yes Paul, Joey Matthews would be the one guy I would bring back the most.

[Lazyking]

joe, what can I say I loved it esp. the johnny part cause although i didn't like his columns you made him funny to me which he didn't do

In my opinon, you could have just won COTM and I agree about joey matthews but does he come back to fued against John Morrison or algin himself with jomo, I wonder?

[ca$hmoney]

Epic Joe, I would still take Jericho over Hardy though, maybe cause he's Canadian?

[Phoenix Rising]

What.....The.....Fuck.....?

[Jason Boy]

Nice Variation, Kind of Liked It

[Super Chrisss]

The first part of your column should have been your CotM. It was dirty, funny, and awesome.

I understand where you're coming from with the whole Hardy stuff, but no. Just, no. He may have had better matches against Umaga, Orton, and H, but Punk and Jericho could outwrestle him any night of the week. Plus he's annoying in a bad way.

Whatever man, great column!

[Tony Starx]

So is that why you stopped givingeveryone hands shakes, and now just fist bump? I'm sorry, that was terribly bad.

[Xavier I K]

"johnny" would be proud. Boners and Joints FTW.

[Box Car Rocco]

I love brawls so this was a fun little read, especially the three on stuff outside of the WWE and Brody. If you caught it, what would the "riot" from a few Impact's ago be on the intense - o - meter?

While I do agree that Jeff has been awesome as of late, no one tops Jericho for me. Both have been putting on great matches as of late, but what puts Jericho over the line is the fact that he's been making other superstars look amazing strong. His matches against JoMo are a good example of this.

Read you next time Joe.

[Freeman]

Well that was absolutely fantastic. Just brilliant from start to finish, normally I'd spout some spiel about there being too many topics or something, but every single one was so entertaining that it didn't bother me.

This whole column should be your COTM for the main page. It was that good.

[Benjamin Button]

Very funny and entertaining and it certainly didn't lack substance. You made recaps interesting, which everybody can't do. You choosing a wrestler who you and many don't like, Jeff Hardy, to be the best right now made it interesting and your argument was solid.

[Cult Icon]

this column to me was like full metal jacket. the opening was stellar, the second part was just kinda alright, probably to the fact that i had really no interest in the brawl matches other than joe-butcher. other than that, i thought it was a really good piece of work. you r a very funny man joe

[steve bullshit]

I don't understand why people hate short columns. Johnny was a fuckin genius with a crazy ass funny gimmick and he got banned 'cause the mods don't get his style? That's shit

I don't think that JEFF is better than PUNK or JERICHO, but is obvius that the 'E is using him way better. At least PUNK is caching up

Do you got the link of the VADER vs HANSEN match? i wanna see that

Usted manda, Tío Pépe

[doublehelix]

Originally Posted by Uncle Joe

And a small minority of you will argue that CM Punk is the best wrestler in the WWE. Well, stop biting pillows.

But he is?????


Okay, maybe it's Jericho.

[Uncle Joe]

Originally Posted by Lazyking

joe, what can I say I loved it esp. the johnny part cause although i didn't like his columns you made him funny to me which he didn't do

In my opinon, you could have just won COTM and I agree about joey matthews but does he come back to fued against John Morrison or algin himself with jomo, I wonder?

well he'd come back as heel, so feud dude.

Originally Posted by ca$hmoney

Epic Joe, I would still take Jericho over Hardy though, maybe cause he's Canadian?

Probably, you racist. No wait . . . borderist? I dunno.

Originally Posted by Phoenix Rising

What.....The.....Fuck.....?

Is this?

Originally Posted by Harry Potter

Nice Variation, Kind of Liked It

Thanks.

Originally Posted by Super Chrisss

The first part of your column should have been your CotM. It was dirty, funny, and awesome.

I understand where you're coming from with the whole Hardy stuff, but no. Just, no. He may have had better matches against Umaga, Orton, and H, but Punk and Jericho could outwrestle him any night of the week. Plus he's annoying in a bad way.

Whatever man, great column!

This IS my COTM. Dean Malenko could out wrestle anyone on the current roster, doesn't mean it would make for a good match. Jeff Hardy has stellar and exciting matches sir.

Originally Posted by Tony Starx

So is that why you stopped givingeveryone hands shakes, and now just fist bump? I'm sorry, that was terribly bad.

Wow. Terrible. You're up to par.

Originally Posted by Xavier I K

"johnny" would be proud. Boners and Joints FTW.

I imagine he's somewhere with Satan, smoking the biggest amount of cheeba ever known to man.

Originally Posted by Box Car Rocco

I love brawls so this was a fun little read, especially the three on stuff outside of the WWE and Brody. If you caught it, what would the "riot" from a few Impact's ago be on the intense - o - meter?

While I do agree that Jeff has been awesome as of late, no one tops Jericho for me. Both have been putting on great matches as of late, but what puts Jericho over the line is the fact that he's been making other superstars look amazing strong. His matches against JoMo are a good example of this.

Read you next time Joe.

I didn't catch it at the time, but I saw the replay and that was a good fucking brawl BCR; lots of bodies, shit everywhere, any and everything being killed. I loved it. It would have gotten a 7.

Originally Posted by Freeman

Well that was absolutely fantastic. Just brilliant from start to finish, normally I'd spout some spiel about there being too many topics or something, but every single one was so entertaining that it didn't bother me.

This whole column should be your COTM for the main page. It was that good.

Aww that was so sweet.

Originally Posted by Benjamin Button

Very funny and entertaining and it certainly didn't lack substance. You made recaps interesting, which everybody can't do. You choosing a wrestler who you and many don't like, Jeff Hardy, to be the best right now made it interesting and your argument was solid.

I still don't like Hardy but now I respect him.

Originally Posted by Cult Icon

this column to me was like full metal jacket. the opening was stellar, the second part was just kinda alright, probably to the fact that i had really no interest in the brawl matches other than joe-butcher. other than that, i thought it was a really good piece of work. you r a very funny man joe

Why would you wear a jacket made of metal? are you a knight? Stop it, we already have BK, no need for knights, unless you're going to be the black knight.

Originally Posted by steve bullshit

I don't understand why people hate short columns. Johnny was a fuckin genius with a crazy ass funny gimmick and he got banned 'cause the mods don't get his style? That's shit

I don't think that JEFF is better than PUNK or JERICHO, but is obvius that the 'E is using him way better. At least PUNK is caching up

Do you got the link of the VADER vs HANSEN match? i wanna see that

Usted manda, Tío Pépe

INDEED.

Originally Posted by doublehelix

But he is?????


Okay, maybe it's Jericho.

Actually, its Mysterio.

[Andy]

First part was great, middle part bored me a little, and the last part was controversial and interesting. For the first and last part alone, this was very good. Looking forward to what you produce on the MP!

[LimeFlavored]

Rolling on the floor, laughing my fucking ass off while trying to eat chips (which were falling on the floor because I couldn't keep my mouth shut).

I loved the fisting story, it was hilarious. I was entertained all the way through. Excellent!

[XanMan]

So, that was pretty long, but my interest didn't flag at all. Interesting points on Jeff Hardy. Sometimes we get so caught up in the work-rate and such with a wrestler that we forget this is suppose to be entertainment above everything else, and there's absolutely no doubt that Jeff Hardy is entertaining.

[The Maz]

I think this was by far and away your best column yet (since your return anyway). The randomness all came together in one very entertaining little package. From fisting, to how well Hardy has done to madness to Joey Matthews in one fluid motion is not easy to do, particularly with your shifts from craziness to seriousness. Very good job.

[Roger Murtaugh]

I got to agree with Mazza on this one man, this really was your best in awhile. Even better than the whole Bruno/Mario Bros. saga (LOLLERSK8S).

The Knife is a brutally stiff worker my friend, and even with it's heelish action we can't help but love his work. A truly remarkable wrestler.

[Degenerate]

I'm relieved that it was finally proven that I wasn't the one who killed Brody.

[MissouriDragon]

That proves NOTHING.

Hey Unc, I read it. I laughed. Work on your split infinitives.

[Uncle Joe]

Originally Posted by Andy

First part was great, middle part bored me a little, and the last part was controversial and interesting. For the first and last part alone, this was very good. Looking forward to what you produce on the MP!

Gracies mate. We shall see. . . if it's ever posted

Originally Posted by LimeFlavored

Rolling on the floor, laughing my fucking ass off while trying to eat chips (which were falling on the floor because I couldn't keep my mouth shut).

I loved the fisting story, it was hilarious. I was entertained all the way through. Excellent!

What kind of chips; the lime flavored one?

Originally Posted by XanMan

So, that was pretty long, but my interest didn't flag at all. Interesting points on Jeff Hardy. Sometimes we get so caught up in the work-rate and such with a wrestler that we forget this is suppose to be entertainment above everything else, and there's absolutely no doubt that Jeff Hardy is entertaining.

He sure is. What sucks is that the 2 best performers this year are leaving (Hardy on his own, Mysterio due to using Roids). Whelp.

Originally Posted by Mazza

I think this was by far and away your best column yet (since your return anyway). The randomness all came together in one very entertaining little package. From fisting, to how well Hardy has done to madness to Joey Matthews in one fluid motion is not easy to do, particularly with your shifts from craziness to seriousness. Very good job.

Fisting and fluid in the same sentence? You are a sneaky bastard Maz.

Originally Posted by Doc Monk

I got to agree with Mazza on this one man, this really was your best in awhile. Even better than the whole Bruno/Mario Bros. saga (LOLLERSK8S).

The Knife is a brutally stiff worker my friend, and even with it's heelish action we can't help but love his work. A truly remarkable wrestler.

Originally Posted by Degenerate

I'm relieved that it was finally proven that I wasn't the one who killed Brody.

You killed the radio star.

Originally Posted by MissouriDragon

That proves NOTHING.

Hey Unc, I read it. I laughed. Work on your split infinitives.

My what?