The Rant Of The Week: Dixie, Do The Right Thing

[Phantom Lord]

Greetings conversationalists all across the fruited plain it is I your personal Harvester of Sorrow the one and only Phantom Lord and this is my Rant Of The Week. Maybe Rant Of When I Get To It is more appropriate. I had at least half a column written that I had been working on but as you know by now, I have no sense of time so here I am over a month after my last column. It's not like there wasn't anything to write about, its just stuff kept getting in the way and I have a really bad habit of pushing things off as you can probably imagine by now. But here I am and all cylinders are pumping, flux capacitor is fluxing, and well lets just get on with the show shall we.

First off in the here today, gone tomorrow files the WWE has released Eugene (Nick Dinsmore) after his lone RAW appearance this week where he lost to The Calgary Kid who turned out to be The Miz. You have to love Vince McMahon's sense of humor. I'm sure someone told him “hey lets bring Eugene back” and he was all giddy with the thought of making Eugene look like a fool every week. But as we know RAW at best is very luke warm and well I guess in a moment in lucidity he realized “WHY THE FUCK WE BRING HIM BACK FOR...GET RID OF HIM DAMN IT”. I feel sorry for Eugene though. Nick Dinsmore to his credit made it work and what should have lasted a couple weeks at best, he's managed to do for a few years now. I remember a few years ago I wrote a column and I said Nick must have been desperate to make it up to the main roster if he would act like a retard. Then I got an e-mail from Kenny Bolin basically telling me that I was an idiot because you can make a pretty comfortable living just working the Louisville and surrounding area's. Well now that he's been let go again, he can go back to working the Indy's where just having the title “Former WWE Superstar” means a couple hundred extra and from what I understand he gets to do Eugene in all it's glory and not even in a demeaning way.

Vio Con Dios Eugene (credit to www.wvgazette.com & www.thegazz.com)

See the one problem I have while writing my columns is something happens and it changes my entire game plan or something happens after I've posted it and I'm left silently cursing that I missed out on something. Well today is one of those days where something happens to throw me off so fire up the Drudge Siren we have BREAKING NOOZ!!!

Kurt Angle was arrested this morning on several charges, including driving while operating privilege is suspended, prohibited acts-possession, harassment and prohibited acts. According to WPXI.com, he was allegedly stalking a former girlfriend who had filed a protection order against him, was driving on a suspended license, and when his car was searched officers found two bottles of HGH, which Angle claimed he had a prescription for.

Angle, the TNA Heavyweight Champion, is still scheduled at this moment to work the TNA PPV tomorrow afternoon.
Credit to Da Meltz & Company

I think somewhere in Hendersonville, Jeff Jarrett is laughing his ass off right now. Then again when TNA signed Kurt Angle they knew that the guy wasn't playing with a full deck. He's a few french fries short of a happy meal. If you ever look into his eyes it's clear the engine is running but no one is at the wheel. Kurt Angle has a long history of being batshit crazy and if this is proven to be true then it's another sign that our favorite Olympic Gold medalist is in need of some serious help.

MORE BREAKING NOOZ!!!

As I write this it's about 11:23 PM here in Brooklyn and the Hard Justice (lol God bless unintentional TNA irony) PPV is over and Kurt Angle is STILL TNA World Heavyweight Champion.
I...umm...uh...hmm...how can I properly say this. Ah yes...

TNA I swear anytime you are handed an opportunity you do everything but progress forward. It was bad enough that Kurt won the title to begin with in the King Of The Mountain match. TNA destroyed the Samoa Joe angle they had been building to suddenly have him swerve and help out Angle and join the Mafia. After the whole Jeff Jarrett mess happened, it was like God heard my prayers. Jarrett was the reason for everything that was wrong with TNA. It was his creative team, his creative direction, and ultimately his booking that had been the albatross holding TNA down since 2003 when Planet Jarrett really begin to become a giant black hole sucking anyone and everyone into it so that Jeff could put himself over everyone else.

Now the funny thing about TNA's booking is unlike the WWE who produces a far more competent product, TNA maps stuff out months in advance and sticks to it (no matter how horrible it might be). What ever is planned with Angle (leading into the Bound For Glory PPV) is set in stone so despite logic and reason saying at the least he should have lost the title at the PPV, he retains it and odds are he will walk into Bound For Glory as champion. They have two choices for his opponent at the moment. It's either going to be Matt Morgan or Hernandez. Super Mex finally got back his Money In...err Feast Or Fired case so he has his title shot waiting whenever he wants it. Matt Morgan who has really been on fire the last few weeks was screwed out of the title at the PPV when a half dead Kurt Angle managed to get into the ring and break up a pin that Morgan was about to get on Sting.

As for the Kurt Angle situation at the moment, TNA is officially saying “No Comment” and telling everyone to keep their mouths shut and don't make any comments about it on Twitter or elsewhere on the Internet. Personally I think this was a stupid decision especially in this day and age of the Internet where anyone can pretty much post anything. It's like how the WWE always comes up with fake information to find out who is leaking info to the sheets. They have programs on all WWE owned computers and cell phones so they can keep tabs on what the person is doing with it and such, but I'm guessing they don't have those programs on said persons personal computers or cell phones at home. TNA might be circling the wagons for Angle right now, but its clear the dude needs help before something terrible happens.

I hope and pray nothing happens to Kurt and he can get his life into order, but all I know is in 2005 after the Eddie/Rey feud was over I said “Eddie should take some time off, he really looks worn out”. Kurt doesn't look worn out, he just looks out of it. I've all ready noticed that he doesn't blink anymore and his physical shape seems to get smaller and smaller with each passing week. Kurt I know you always have to go at light speed, but just take a step back and take some time off. Take a few months off and recharge. I'm sure TNA can manage to shoot themselves in the foot as always if you take a little vacation.

I say this because with the removal of Jeff Jarrett and some of his buddies from the TNA “creative” team, the whole Internet was a buzz over who would become the one to lead TNA to the promise land. Some fear Vince Russo will be given free reign now that Jarrett isn't there to edit his work. Others think they should just look inward and beg Jim Cornette to book because he at least knows what he is doing. But sadly it appears TNA might be going another route and if this is the case then they are doomed to always fail.

For what it’s worth, there were wrestlers who went to Dixie Carter and brought up hiring either Paul Heyman or Gabe Sapolsky as the new booker. Carter said they are looking at going in a different direction, and wanted a writer with more of a Hollywood writing background.
Credit to Da Meltz & company

I don't even know where to begin with this one. Well first off odds are this is more SPIKE TV then TNA. Spike is part of the umbrella of networks attached to MTV so right off the bat you know the people at the top are stupid. All one has to do is watch some of the shit on VH1 or MTV to know that. So with TNA given this golden opportunity to make a change for the better the people at the top apparently just want to keep doing what they've been doing all ready and that's just keep being WWE Lite and go for a non-existent WCW audience that packed up and left a loooooooong time ago. Now personally I don't believe Paul Heyman would ever go to TNA unless he had absolute creative control. I'm pretty sure there is no way Dixie would ever give him or anyone else that especially after how things were run with Jarrett at the wheel. Supposedly plenty of people have vouched for Paul saying how great he would be for TNA while others for what ever reasons they have (loyalty to Jarret, ect) have been bashing him saying how unreliable he is and how he wouldn't make anything better.

Wrestling as we know can be a very petty business. People will fight to the death to protect their spots or perceived spots. If Paul Heyman did become the new booker of TNA (which I doubt he will but then again Brett Farve is now a Viking so stranger things have happened) there would be plenty of people who would be against simply because Paul would probably want to thin the herd and put some people out to pasture. Crazy as that sounds it wouldn't be a bad idea because much like WCW which TNA emulates more then they want to admit, TNA has a huge roster and at any given time a good third of the roster if not more aren't used. Granted TNA only pays most of those guys and gals if they are used on television, but its a huge roster none the less. So I would imagine Heyman would take a look at who he has and figure out who he can best utilize and who can be sent packing. That's the only way I can ever see Paul taking over the helm at TNA. As long as he doesn't have control of the checkbook it should be all fine.

The other name that some are pitching to Dixie and the honchos at TNA is Gabe Sapolsky formerly of Ring Of Honor and currently with Dragon Gate USA. Gabe who got his start essentially as a gopher for Paul and company in ECW managed to become an Internet darling when it comes to booking as he made Ring Of Honor into this great thing. Gabe though is not with out fault as Ring Of Honor started getting very stale in late 2007 and into 2008 and it seemed all Gabe would do is bring in high priced Japanese talent and figured the automatic five star matches would be good enough to solve their problems. Well with Ring Of Honor bleeding money (and some other issues), Gabe was fired from Ring Of Honor. After a few months of doing Guest Booker shoots and stuff, Dragon Gate came to him and made him the Vice President of DG USA. Now Gabe I'm sure can put together great matches. But great matches only do so much. Sure it would be great if TNA had more wrestling then stupid segments and lame comedy, but we need to be realistic and that won't be happening. Gabe could probably be great to book the X division, but the whole show not so much.

In the end I don't know who can put TNA in the right position and get it out of the 1.2 holding pattern it's always in ratings wise. PPV numbers are so bad that TNA doesn't release them. A lot of work needs to be done in TNA and I don't know who would be crazy enough to want to tackle that job.

Of course if TNA wants to go way outside the box, I am available. I'd come at a very reasonable rate and I can be a team player. I could do the impossible and put logic and reason into TNA.

TNA, you have my contact info.

Ok so that might be some delusions of grander on my part but it couldn't hurt. You really would have to be crazy to walk into that mine field and try to make sense of things.

Moving along, I wanted to talk about Monday Night RAW and the guest hosts that are rumored to be in consideration. I like the guest hosts even if everything else is hit or miss. I thought Jeremy Piven and Dr. Ken were great up until they did the heel turn and sucked the life right out of the crowd. Freddie Prinze Jr did an amazing job on Monday Night and you have to admire him for taking the old 3.0 a lot better then most other guys.

According to Variety here's some names booked and being considered and it's an interesting list to say the least.

The Variety report deems the program successful thus far, saying that RAW viewer ship is up 10% since introducing the program. Planned to last until early next year--possibly through WrestleMania 26--the program has attracted many recognizable Hollywood and sports names. According to the article, Bob Barker, Al Sharpton, Nancy O'Dell, Floyd Mayweather and LeBron James have been booked for future episodes. Freddie Prinze, Jr. hosts Monday's edition.

Meanwhile, Pete Wentz, Ashlee Simpson, the Osbournes, Danny DeVito, Regis Philbin, Kelly Ripa, Jimmy Fallon, Rachael Ray, MC Hammer, Woody Harrelson, Serena Williams and Ashton Kutcher are all in talks to host.

Floyd Mayweather is up next hosting RAW in Las Vegas and he should be entertaining. Who knows maybe we'll get a Floyd/Big Show rematch. Al Sharpton is the most interesting of this bunch simply because it could go so many ways. But those of know here in New York City that have had to put up with him for the last 25 years know that if there is a camera for him to be in front of, he will find it. Bob Barker is one a lot of us on the Internet are looking forward to simply because there probably will be a lot of Price Is Right gags. Plus odds are because Vince is so behind the times, someone will hand him a dvd of Happy Gilmore because “that Adam Sandler guy is going places”. If it leads to a fight between Santino Marella and Bob Barker I am all for it.

As for the people possibly in contention, who ever suggested Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simspon should be fired. Those two would be booed right out what ever building they are in. Fall Out Boy are such a no talent horrible band and how that little Emo Wentz ever became anyone is amazing. Ozzy and Sharon or the whole Osbourne clan would be great so long as Ozzy gets to play. If some how Zakk Wylde and Chris Jericho can take on and destroy John Cena it would be the greatest Monday Night RAW ever. Danny DeVito is probably a sure possibility along with the case of “It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia” since apparently the three guys from the show have been contacted all ready. DeVito wandering around backstage wondering where Hogan and Piper are would be GOLD. The only other two who I am interested in seeing host RAW are Woody Harrelson and Rachel Ray. Talk about opposite ends of the spectrum. Woody Harrelson is Woody and the guy has a great sense of humor. Rachel Ray is a favorite of mine and if they just have her and Mickie James together even for ten seconds I would be so happy.

Of course there are plenty of people they haven't considered so here's a short list of people I think should host Monday Night RAW at some point in the future.

1)
Bruce Campbell: The Man, The Myth, The Legend
I don't think I need to really explain this but I shall. First off, Bruce is the man. Secondly he's on USA's other highest rated show “Burn Notice”. Third I'm sure there would be plenty of zombie hunting hi jinx with him and Santino so it's win win for everyone.

2)
James Hetfield & Lars Ulrich of Metallica

Another one that would be pretty cool to see. James and Lars would be a great pair of hosts especially if any RAW's are going to be in the Bay Area. Plus you tell me people wouldn't pay good money to see Lars eat an RKO and maybe get punted.

3)
Kiefer Sutherland

Another one I don't really have to explain. Yeah Freddie Prinze Jr. was just on to promote the up coming season of 24, but you need Jack Bauer. You know he wouldn't take any shit from Orton and Legacy if Randy tries to intimidate him. Plus Kiefer is going more and more crazy with each passing season of 24 so you know it wouldn't be boring.

4)
Jackie Earl Haley

This one was a suggestion of my brother. He played Rorschach in Watchmen and he's playing Freddy Kruger in the remake of A Nightmare On Elm Street. Watchmen was one of the biggest and best movies of the year and the new Elm Street is bound to be just as big next year so it would be a huge grab for the WWE if they got him.

5)
Tobin Bell

Tobin is the star of the SAW movies as the lovable and creepy Jigsaw. SAW whether you like them or not is a HUGE movie franchise and he would be an interesting host. Plus there could be more Santino fun with Tobin making him run around doing stupid stuff in the guise of “playing a little game”. Plus they could get Shawnee Smith to co-host with him.

It would be fun stuff to watch. Plus she is a singer so I would imagine there would be some sing off between her and Jillian to kill some time on the show.

And finally and I know this one will probably get me some heat but I'm thinking who would be the biggest and best guest hosts for RAW and one name comes to mind.

6)
Former President George W. Bush

Vince craves mainstream publicity and if this could happen he would do it in a heart beat. I would imagine this would work best in Texas and it would easily be the highest rated RAW in years. Bush to his credit hasn't really done anything since he left office so it really would be news worth and attention getting which is what Vince wants (and he usually doesn't get). Plus apparently Bush is or was a huge wrestling fan and used to go shows all the time in the late 70's and early 80's in Houston. Either way it would get Vince what he wants and in the end, thats all that counts in his mind. Doesn't matter if the show was good or bad, just that he was happy.

I guess bringing up Bush was a good segue into politics because there was some news last week that Linda McMahon is contemplating running for the Senate in Connecticut to go up against Chris Dodd.

God I hope this doesn't happen for a number of reasons. First off if you think the WWE has been bad for the last few months with the TV PG direction it would be NOTHING compared to how toned down things would be if she were running for Senate...or dare I say won. On the plus side it would mean she would have to step down at CEO of the WWE but that would mean Vince would take her place and I can only imagine how erratic he would be holding two position of power on the board like that. Linda do us all a favor and don't run. I can't take another six years of this sort of stuff. It's bad enough the WWE desaturizes blood on WWE Classics and on DVD's now. I can only imagine what would have to be removed from classic matches and the current product just so no bad publicity heads her way anytime Vince decides to do something stupid on television to amuse himself.

Besides if you must vote in the Connecticut primaries and general election, vote for Peter Schiff in the Republican slot. If we had listened to him, we might not be in the current economic mess we are in right now.
Peter Schiff For Senate 2010

Well I believe I am done for this week. With Summerslam this coming Sunday and the possibility that Jeff Hardy might not be returning after it, there will be a wealth of material for it.

On that note I am done with this monstrosity of a column. My sciatic has been tripped and the pain is shooting into my hip so until next time take care and remember someone has to give you this information and it DAMN well has got to be me.

[Phoenix Rising]

Dude, reading this was probably one the funnes ten minutes of my life I've had in a while. You covered lots of topics, but it was well done through excellent transitioning and segues. I am a moderate fan of TNA, and I watch it every week and what you said made sense. I write down my own storylines and fueds and are piled up in a notebook in my room right now. So, TNA or WWE, if you need any ideas, I've got plenty of material to sell you.

Back to the column, I enjoyed it and will be patiently waiting on your next post.

Official Review Grade: 97 out of 100

[Petre Dyche]

Dude, I would mark like a sonbitch if Bruce Campbell hosted Raw! Nearly as much as I did when I saw him in Spiderman 3.

I still don't understand the hype around Sapolsky or Heyman. They got famous off the blood and sweat of others. Kudos though for getting them to do it for free!

We're overdue a big shift in TNA, but I've given up now. Nash, Booker, Steiner etc all have the easy money coming in and there egos being stroked and they love it.

Great read mate. Catch you next time!

[Brilliant]

Tis a shame your stuff gets overlooked and ignored. Probably the best column that very few people read.

I noticed some spelling errors/wrong words used and there were some sentences in desperate need of a comma, but otherwise it was another fine and humorous effort.

[Super Chrisss]

If Keifer Sutherland EVER hosted a RAW, I would be the happiest 24/WWE lover in the world. Seriously, I would tape that show, and I don't have a DVD taper/player.

Great column man. Everything flowed brilliantly well, which was a bit surprising considering you covered a wide range of topics.

This was quite interesting to read and no errors that I could find. Even if this turns out to be "The Rant of the Month" I wouldn't complain.

[Tony Starx]

Bruce Campbell would be fine.

[TJ Tilli]

that was the best column i've ever read

i'd definetly want Kiefer Sutherland as a guest host.

Column Rating = 110/100

[LimeFlavored]

Other than "grandeur" having a "u" in it, I didn't see any glaring mistakes.

I have also missed the Rants, I noticed as I was reading this. Welcome back.