Quote Me Happy #12 ~ "Reading Between The Lines"

[Freeman]

"Check one two, awww yeah! Check this shit out"

Settle down peoples, settle down, and pipe down at the back! Yes it's me, The Freeman, back in this Columns Forum building once more with issue number twelve of Quote Me Happy, the column more enigmatic than Jeff Hardy on meth. Well check this shit out! It's been a beautiful day here at my old dear's house in good old Essex, in my hometown of Colchester, and I'm in a pretty buoyant mood as a result. In fact, I'm in such a good mood that I'm changing the format a little bit for this week, so listen up while I inform you mofos of the slight deviation from the norm, and pay attention!

Some of the more observant dudes out there will notice that this week's intro line does not come from a film, for the very first time in fact. Ah, just sit back and take in that little chunk of QMH history right there. Anyway, the other week whilst I was watching RAW, I noticed a thing or two about the current entrance themes in WWE. It appears that a large number are littered with secret messages of a sexually explicit nature, if you read between the lines a little. Therefore, I decided that I would investigate such a matter, and take my quotes this week direct from some of those themes. Without further adieu, allow me to present our first example, courtesy of our former United States champ.

MVP

"I'm coming"

Eww, did you have to share that with us Porter, you sick freak? Where exactly are you cumming, all over Sherri Shepherd? Now thanks to WWE's lame cross promotion with The View, everytime your entrance music hits the only mental image I get is of your Vontavious Porter nutting all over her fun bags, and I don't know if I find it disturbing or arousing. Or disturbingly arousing. Can't you just, I don't know, stop yourself or something? Wait, on second thoughts...

"Nobody could stop me, nobody could hold me"

Well that explains that, but nobody could hold you? Jesus that Shepherd ho must have been a good fuck. I guess it's true what they say about the fat chicks, they're always the best in the sack, 'cos it's the only way of ensuring you'll come back for a repeat performance.

"Like Tropicana, I got the juice"

Well that much is obvious, since you splattered it all over Sherri's breasts.

"Off of the leash to let the dog loose"

Yeah don't keep bragging, damn it. You let your dog all over that shit and it was great, we get the point. Now get back to jobbing to Hunter. Speaking of which...

Triple H

"It's all about the game, and how you play it"

Oh really? Tell me more. I always thought that the games you and Steph play in the comfort of your own home stayed there, but evidently this is not the case. What is it Trips, some kind of role playing game? Or something a bit kinkier, like BDSM? Oh God I can just imagine Steph dressed up in some kinky leather, whip in hand, telling you how to play the game. Which brings me onto this...

"All about control, and if you can take it"

Well I guess we can make the inference that these games do involve a bit of submission and dominance at the very least, but what about the "and if you can take it" part? Holy crap, this is worse than I thought. Trips, there's no need to prove to me whether or not you can "take it" or not, I've already got a rather indecent mental image of Steph and Mr Softee The Amazing Strap On Dildo teaming up to wage war on your asshole. Urgh. However, it gets worse...

"Look over your shoulder ready to run, like a good little bitch, from a smoking gun"

Said Stephanie during one particularly violent evening involving Mr Softee. Face it Trips, you get violated by your missus every night, so you have to take it out on everyone else by violating their careers. However, what if you've got a career on the side, like the next guy...

John Cena

"Your time is up, my time is now"

And that guy only paid for your services for one hour, now that his time up, he can get the fuck out. Cena may be a rent boy, but he's a busy one, and once your time is up, it's his time, or time to move onto the next client. However, in the current economic climate, business has been slow for poor old John, hence why he came up with this little reminder...

"In case you forgot or fell off, I'm still hot knock your shell off"

Wait what? My shell? You mean my helmet? Ah I see, Cena must be one of those dudes that likes it rough. Now I'm not adverse to a little hair pulling and scratching, but I draw the line at what you're proposing here John. You wouldn't catch me trying to do the equivalent to a lady, I'd stop short of ripping someone's clit off. Seems like you're a pretty barbaric, yet strangely aroused dude, as evident from this...

"My money stack fat plus I can't turn the swell off"

Why not? You been taking Viagra again? That's the only explanation for a permanent swell, because even if I were lucky enough to score with Katie Lea, I think the swell would go eventually. I dunno what to recommend there John, perhaps pour cold water on it. Or maybe you should take a cold shower. Or better still, Google "Michelle McCool." Instant boner killer guaran-damn-teed. Or perhaps not if our next case is anything to go by...

The Big Show

"Well... It's The Big Show."

To be honest, if it was anything other than big, I'd be so shocked you could knock me over with a feather. Indeed if Paul Wight's Big Show is indeed no bigger than a nat's cock, me thinks a name change is in order. Perhaps The "Oh, what a disappointment" Show. Or how about The "not in proportion" Show. However, if that was the case, then why would you say something like this...

"Crank it up, turn on them lights."

Personally, if a lady was expecting an army tank gun but was only going to get a pee shooter, I'd insist on having the lights off, but each to their own I guess. However, if you're confident in the old chap's ability, then I suppose that's why you'd say...

"Get ready for something, that you've never known."

Jesus, in that case, not so much nat's cock, more like anaconda's vice.

"You won't see it coming, but I'll promise you'll know."

Oh look, another one obsessed with spunk. I don't particularly want to see it cumming, but just how will I know? Well I guess it would be as pointless as pushing The Miz if we got The Big Show without a big finish. By dropping a load big enough to scare even the most seasoned of cum catchers, The Big Show will definitely make sure you know he just popped. Kind of like this next
guy...

Jack Swagger

"Get on your knees!"

Only one thing on your mind I take it then, Jack. Somehow I don't think you want me down there just to tie your laces, or to pick up that 20p you just dropped. No something much more sinister is afoot, and let me just tell you this, there's no way I'm putting out like that until you've at least bought me dinner first, you perv. However...

"I got you, where I want you"

Shit, this ain't looking good, looks like I've got no choice but to get on my knees...

"I'll show you that the heat you feel is mine"

Ew ew ew ew. I don't even want to know what you mean when you say "heat", and if you make me feel it, I'll cry. Damn Swagger, could you be any more vulgar?

"Yeah fear's gripped you, and it ripped you"

Oh for fuck-sake, enoughs enough! You ripped me? My poor little shitter? I feel so violated now. I could kind of take your demands to get on my knees, and even your suggestions of fellatio weren't enough to totally freak me out, but this? You make me sick, Swagger. Take your homoerotic fantasies and get out of my column, damn it. You need help.

Carlito

"I spit in the face, of people who don't want to be cool"

Oh God, not another one. Carlito's obsession with the sexual act of the facial reached such a point that he felt compelled to include it in his theme song. MVP may like to release his seed over a nice pair of dark whoppers, however it seems that Carlito likes to paste an unsuspecting face with the juice from his apple.

You may think that these guys have problems, having read between the lines of their themes. However spare a thought for a certain former world champion, who judging by his theme, is pretty screwed.

C.M Punk

"This fire burns, always."

Yeah, I've heard chlamydia can be pretty painful. Burns when you pee apparently. Good luck trying to cope with that one Punk.

Fin.

"I am control, no way you can change me. I am heavy debts, no way you can pay me."

Well there you have it dudes and dudettes, number twelve gets the usual in the bag treatment. I was tempted to put a giant "no homo" after this column, but lets face it, this shizzle was about as straight as a roundabout. Hope you all enjoyed the slight variation from the norm, it's just that movies can get a little boring after a while, you dig? Hopefully, I shall return to the film shebang next time, or maybe this could be a new chapter in QMH history, who knows? Maybe there is a way you can change me. As always comments, praise, criticism, personal attacks, offers to fight, declarations of love, declarations of war and passport applications are all welcome, just let me know what you thought of it. Until next time peeps, I gotta roll. However, before I go, let me leave you with one final thought...

"This is illegal, my flow is legal. And it's me, there will never be a sequel."

Over and out,

Freeman.

[Box Car Rocco]

I said your last one wasn't to thought provoking.... Well this gave me something to think about. Some funny moments throughout this edition of QMH, keep up your good humour.

[Andy]

This was hillarious! Had me laughinh from start to finish. The Carlito and CM Punk ones were a slight let-down compared top the others, but that's the only negative thing I can say about it. Not really much else to say apart from that I throughly enjoyed it. Also, I think you should mix up the movie quotes with other quotes sometimes as I feel it will keep it fresh. Produce the good for the next one, homie. Shit, I'm off to watch ECW.

[Super Chrisss]

Well you wanted to be different and that you were. This was funny shit and really enjoyable but I wasn't expecting this column to be 100% dirty. You've surprised me Freeman! As you yourself mentioned, this was a nice change of pace from the movie talk, as you seemed to write this with ease. Well done bud.

[Martin Riggs]

Good stuff homes! Some funny columnage here

I'd say more but... ugh... still column writing. Typical, eh?

[Petre Dyche]

lol I guess you're one of those who think that Robbie Williams' Angels is about sex too (from the line, "she offers me protection", condoms, obviously)

Swagger's was on the money man. One you missed was Ezekiel Jackson's..."This here what you call domination" ARRRGH!

A bit choppy, too one-linery...ya know? In parts anyway, otherwise it was a really funny read.

[Uncle Joe]

Funny shit Jebediah. The Swagger one was obviously the most on money one. But you missed Mark Henry's dude!


Somebodies gonna get their ass licked UH!
Somebodies gonna get their dick sniffed UH!

Eat him up eat him up
Lick his neck lick his neck




Cant get any more sexual than that my friend.

[Freeman]

BCR-

I said your last one wasn't to thought provoking....

And I'm still waiting for proof that you grew a mullet...

Some funny moments throughout this edition of QMH, keep up your good humour.

Thanks man, and cheers for reading and feeding.

Andy-

The Carlito and CM Punk ones were a slight let-down compared top the others, but that's the only negative thing I can say about it.

Punk's was just a joke at the end, and Carlito's has about three words in the whole song, so there wasn't much more I could say about his, but I really wanted to include it, so just had to make it short.

Also, I think you should mix up the movie quotes with other quotes sometimes as I feel it will keep it fresh.

And I agree, advice taken! Thanks for your reply matey.

Chrissstopher-

This was funny shit and really enjoyable but I wasn't expecting this column to be 100% dirty. You've surprised me Freeman!

I actually surprised myself with my own filth, glad I ammused you though.

this was a nice change of pace from the movie talk, as you seemed to write this with ease. Well done bud.

Why thanks very much homie, and cheers for your comments.

Johnny-

Good stuff homes! Some funny columnage here

Thanks dude.

I'd say more but... ugh... still column writing. Typical, eh?

Nah not to worry buddy, I always say that your own shizzle comes first. I'd rather you focus on writing another awesome column than leave me detailed feedback.

Mr Dyche-

lol I guess you're one of those who think that Robbie Williams' Angels is about sex too (from the line, "she offers me protection", condoms, obviously)

Oh absolutely. Anyone who's anyone knows what that song's really about, way to promote safe sex Robert.

Swagger's was on the money man. One you missed was Ezekiel Jackson's..."This here what you call domination" ARRRGH!

Thank you, and damn it! How did I miss Zeke's?

A bit choppy, too one-linery...ya know? In parts anyway, otherwise it was a really funny read.

Well I thought I'd try something different, see it worked and all. Perhaps I'll revert back to my normal style next time. Thanks for your kind words anyway buddy.

Uncle Joe-

Funny shit Jebediah.

There's that Boondocks reference again...

But you missed Mark Henry's dude!


Somebodies gonna get their ass licked UH!
Somebodies gonna get their dick sniffed UH!

Eat him up eat him up
Lick his neck lick his neck

Lol, lol and lol again! That's funnier than anything I came up with, and I've been laughing about it all day! Thanks for brightening my day up with your colourful feedback homie.

[Creeping Death]

Maybe it's my mood, but honestly, I didn't find it as funny as what people have been saying. It was well written enough that I read it all the way threw, however, and I got a little chuckle here and there. I just didn't find it very funny.

Ready ya next time, and that whole shtick.

[Cult Icon]

this was definitely much different then wat you usually do. i think you started off very strong, but the whole thing kinda got a little bit dull after the big show one. after that, i thought it was a bit repetitive. still, it was by no means poor work and you continue to impress around here. idk if youve done it yet, but id like you to perhaps make your own quotes up and do a column based off them (perhaps even create a fake movie or w/e to play along w it). just a suggestion though. good job as usual freeman

[Freeman]

Mr Death-

Maybe it's my mood, but honestly, I didn't find it as funny as what people have been saying.

Fair enough, this isn't to everyone's taste I guess.

and I got a little chuckle here and there

As long as I slightly ammused you, I did what I set out to do.

Ready ya next time, and that whole shtick.

Same to you my friend, thanks for your honesty.

Mr Icon-

the whole thing kinda got a little bit dull after the big show one. after that, i thought it was a bit repetitive

Yeah tried something different, perhaps it just didn't come off. I can see it could be seen as repetitive, it's the same dirty sex jokes throughout really.

still, it was by no means poor work and you continue to impress around here

Cheers buddy.

idk if youve done it yet, but id like you to perhaps make your own quotes up and do a column based off them (perhaps even create a fake movie or w/e to play along w it).

I might just do that. However I like using other stuff to quote from because it's a bit more challenging, you know? Cheers for the suggestion though, and for your feedback as well dude.

[Benjamin Button]

That was filthy and... That was the funniest shit I’ve read up here. Very well thought out.

[Freeman]

Mr Button-

That was filthy

I know, I had to take a shower after writing it.

That was the funniest shit I’ve read up here.

Wow really? Praise indeed, thanks for the kind words buddy.