International Fun Slide [25]

[cicero]

International fun Slide [25]

I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like something I’d normally do, but then why buy the fireworks if not to stick them up my bum?

We live in a harsh economy, ya dig? The price of vital amenities like coke, and bithces, has sky rocketed in recent year’s thanks in no small part to the actions of feared eco-terrorist Vincent Kennedy McMahon. His policies in regards to the tinkering of tree’s and forced rape of ’wascally ‘wabbits have systematically destroyed what little we have left of our meagre food supplies. When once our farms were lined with steroid enthused bronze gods of Vince’s totally not gay breeding and soylent green factory, now we were forced to battle over sinewy scraps of spot whores and cunt cruiserweights.

Those words came to me in a dream; a dream, of the future... but before we get to that there’s something else I wish to discuss in today’s column; and, if you’ll give me your blessing, I’ll try to brief.

Steve Austin, Mick Foley, and Hunter Hearst Helmsley; what do these three legends of Mr McMahon’s colouring book of lies all share in common? What one thread connects each superstar to his war winning compatriots? What possible reason can I have to so dramatically link this trio of masochistic closet cases together? I will tell you what they share, that before fame and glory in the pre-suck days of the World Wrestling Federation all three had been cast-offs from the then dominant WCW promotion.

Can you imagine that? Three of the biggest names this industrious industry has ever ensnared just tossed the curb like common colonoscopy trash. It really quite staggers belief to think of it, to think of the millions of dollars Ted Turner’s greedy mittens missed out on; why I don’t doubt it’s just about enough to change the course of an entire Monday Night War, I tell you what. With those three on board, and assuming they hit the heights that their (apparent) talent s would ultimately take them to, I might be willing to say World Championship Wrestling comes out on top of their somewhat titanic struggle. Of course there are a lot of variables to consider... but, at the very least, one can certainly speculate...

The eagle eyed amongst may already seen where this is going, but so as not to waffle on much longer let me get straight to the point and say that today I intend to look at a few onetime up and comers with the big boys from the east who could still as yet make an impact in Vince’s would be southern challenger, TNA.

Who?

Clearly the biggest problem with trying to indentify budding talent from the trash heap is the simple fact that all of these people have already been through a system designed to seek out superstars and been rejected by it. Sure, person x may have all the talent in the world, with a killer moustache to boot, but one would think there must be a reason as to why the most successfully purveyors of professional wrestling in the world today would consider them a waste of time and space. Of course there are the drug cases, those people who WWE had no choice but to let go from fear of legal scrutiny. It can at least be proposed that of not for the drug violations any one of those now long gone individuals could have become a superstar. Frankly I could spend all day arguing with myself over the proper parameters for this column, but I fear not only would that perhaps be missing the point but it would also be a colossal waste of time. Thus with that being said, and without further adieu, allow me to introduce Team Venganceeeeeee;

Kennedy has never in his life eaten anything that was coloured yellow. Spend a moment to ponder about this and you might think me quite mad but I promise you it’s true. His fear of the ingestion of yellow stems from when, as a young girl, he was forced to watch yellow paint dry for hours on end. Itself not too torturous a time but when coupled with the thirty seven inch spiked masturbatory aid that the young Kennedy was expected to slot himself onto, the experience became outrageously traumatic.


Has not required the use of a bathroom since 1997.


Contrary to popular opinion Bobby Lashley is well regarded by his wrestling peers as one of the sexiest men in the industry. Though instances of him talking are considered ‘rare’ at best eye witness accounts of his speech swear that the man speaks with a velvet tongue so smooth that one, no matter how world class they may be, simply could not ice skate on its surface from lack of anything with which to cause necessary resistance.


According to recently de-classified documents from the State Department the man now known as THE (one and only) Brian Kendrick was the real reason we invaded Iraq.


Fact: Umanga is actually Chinese.

Why?

According to rumours both Umanga and THE Brian Kendrick were shown the door due to drug violations; the former having refused rehab for what one likely assumes to be a painkiller addiction, whilst the latter had supposedly refused to stop smoking pot even when confronted by higher ups within the company. The truth, however, is far more sinister.

It all began when Matt Morgan put the finishing touches on the world’s third time machine. For years he had toiled in secrecy on this forbidden project, sinking every dime he made as a WWE superstar into, what he saw, as the next major step in man’s evolution. Suffice to say when Vince McMahon discovered what Morgan had been working on his anger was swift and devastating; first firing this pinnacle of humanity and later seizing his laboratory in daring midnight ninja raid. Fearing for his own life, and what it would mean to the planet to lose its greatest asset, Morgan fled from World Wrestling Entertainment and sought refuge with the freedom fighters TNA.

Enter Ken Kennedy; illegitimate son of the McMahon patriarch and a man whose star was fast rising to the level of his step brother, HHH. For all his brilliance the young Kennedy had one fatal flaw that would soon topple him from the perch he now stood; impatience. Desperate to see the reign of H come to a glorious end the rising superstar covertly began searching for the scattered remains of Matt Morgan’s lab, hoping to ultimately track down his time machine. For centuries he fruitlessly stalked the many corridors of World Wrestling Entertainments archival station on the planet ‘Nigel-Banana-Sausage’ until one glorious day, he happened upon the long lost device. Without a moments haste he travelled back to May 25th, in the two thousandth and ninth year of our dark lord, to make his triumphant entrance as the new face of RAW. It was at some point between strapping himself into to Matt Morgan’s time machine and walking out to join his teammates for the night’s main event that Kennedy thought to himself, “hang on, how does travelling four hundred years into the past help me get rid of Triple H?”

***

Umanga had a history of political assassinations, a history he went to great lengths to keep quiet, why then he never considered that in the red neck world of professional wrestling at least some people must read Soldier of Fortune seems like a pretty idiotic oversight on his part. Regardless of the reason for this lapse in judgement, be it sheer stupidity or a subconscious desire to return to his former life, Ken Kendrick Kennedy would conveniently notice this ad while masturbating one day. Having not the stones to kill the man himself Kennedy had thought long and hard about how he might best use his new found time machine to take over H’s position atop the card. He had considered seducing his mother, or his father, but neither idea seemed entirely fool proof. No, killing H (preferably before his death lead to martyrdom) was the only guaranteed way Vince McMahon could hand the keys to Kennedy without hurting his slut daughter’s feelings. Long story short, Umanga failed.

After the failure of Umanga it didn’t take long for WWE Special Investigators to uncover what Ken Kennedy had been plotting, and with no other way of preventing a civil war Vince McMahon was left with no choice but to order the execution of his illegitimate son. With few friends to turn to Kennedy approached the one man who he knew would aid him in his time of need, THE Brian Kendrick. Using up what little influence he had peeled away from the WWE behemoth Kendrick was able to smuggle Kennedy away long before Vince’s goons could come even close to find him. Afterwards, though nothing could be proven by the cronies, for the part he played in aiding the would be King’s escape it was quietly “suggested” that Kendrick leave WWE. An offer he wisely accepted. Since then Kennedy has remained in hiding, but they say he will soon rise again to challenge the land that spurred and the man he wished he could call father.

As for Bobby Lashley, he’s shit. That’s why he got the boot and it’s also why his sorry ass won’t be making any more appearances in my column.

So, what?

Each of these men has had their fans (with the exception of Matt Morgan), each of them has at one time or another been considered the darling of the I.W.C (again, Matt Morgan), and each of them now has their chance to make a significant mark on the wrestling world.

Known in TNA as the blueprint (ostensibly on account of having shot his man juice into space) no one seems better poised to breakout than Matt Morgan (despite that aforementioned everybody hating him thing). We all know he’s already got ‘the look’, and after years of practice he finally seems to be getting a hang of this wrestling thing, but what really sets Morgan apart from the other members of Team Vengeance is that right now he is being pushed to the moon on the backs of Kurt Angle and Sting. The angle concerns Morgan, in an almost parody of the face version of his WWE character, trying to force his way into a main event spot he feels entitled to; all the while (in a rather poetic way) being made to work for it, never really seeming to gain anything for his efforts. If TNA can keep this slow build going I can easily foresee, at the very least, Matt Morgan being a consistent upper card heel for years to come, if not considerably more. Suffice to say I think Vince and friends have likely made a mistake in letting this, mint condition, model go.

Of course that’s just my opinion, and I am only one man, so maybe I’m actually in the minority when it comes to my opinions on Mr Morgan. Perhaps it’s more a matter of relativity (i.e. one man’s superstar is another man mid-card). In any case even if our thoughts diverge wildly above I’m pretty confident that this next guy I’ll be bringing up won’t cause nearly so much hypothetical division.

Though not yet technically a part of the organization it really is only a matter of time before Mr. Kenneth Kolinsky Kennedy become a part of TNA. I don’t think anyone out there really thinks any different. Likewise on that point I don’t think (or, rather, I wouldn’t suspect) that there is anyone paying attention to this situation that is not also of the opinion that Kennedy will be launched through the stratosphere the moment he joins Jeff Jarrett’s joylessly humid promotion; and why the hell not? Of all the wrestlers to have been released by WWE in the past few years I can’t think of anyone that really surprised the community as much as Kennedy. Angle was the biggest name at the time to have been shown the door but then conventional thinking back then has it that he planned to retire anyway, Umanga was something of a shock until the second drug test surfaced, and even yesterday’s swift disposal of the artist formerly known as Spanky was not without its expectations. By contrast the dismissal of Ken Kennedy was a beast of a different nature altogether, about the only thing that could be pieced in the days following was that it allegedly had something to do with his injury history. Personally I still find it hard to believe that was the sole reason for his departure, to fire someone for getting injured a lot in a heavily physical environment is a pretty shady thing to do after all, but whatever the reason Vince had Kennedy deserves credit for using the situation to draw some additional eye balls his way. If, and when, he finally joins TNA you can all but guarantee it will be one of the biggest stories amongst the I.W.C for quite some time and provide Total Non-stop Wrestling with such much needed exposure.

Sticking with a not entirely logical pattern, for all the certainty abound that Kennedy will make his merry way to TNA there seems to be a near equal amount of uncertainty in regards to where Umanga will end up next. Rumours, stress the rumours part, suggested that he was addicted to something (see way above) that greatly affected his performance in WWE. If that’s the case then it would seem plausible that a company trying so desperately to first emulate, and later overtake, the big boys from the East would think twice before hiring a guy who might very well have a serious problem. You could say “Kurt Angle” and I might nod in mild agreement, but then Umanga ain’t Kurt Angle. For sake of argument though, and this column, let’s just say he does join and proves to be a productive member of TNA.

In that case... hmmm... gauging Umanga’s is proving harder than I initially thought. He’s definitely talented, and displays a lot of confidence as well as style in the ring; he certainly wouldn’t have gotten so far in World Wrestling Entertainment otherwise. Rather the struggle I face, in forming this opinion, concerns a simple question; just where does Umanga fit into TNA? Umanga is very much of the old school ‘monster heel’ variety; imposing, gimmicky, and near mute. Something that Total Non Stop wrestling already have in the character of the imposing, gimmicky, and dear mute Abyss. Conventional wisdom would have that Umanga would find himself pushed towards fellow Samoan, Samoa Joe. But even then Umanga will come off as an athletic big man somewhat inferior to his athletic big man brethren.

I suppose in many ways were TNA to hire Umanga they would face many of the same problems in getting him over that WWE faced in the final months of his stay there. In that case it was argued that the decision to un-tether the chocolaty beast from his management mouth piece was what most hurt the budding superstar, and if such is true than the obvious answer would be to pair Umanga up with a new manager in TNA. Only problem there though is that TNA don’t really have any characters to play such a part, indeed about the closest thing they have to the sort of character relationship I’d recommend is that of the strong willed and loving Lauren; girlfriend to Abyss. So whilst I love the guy dearly and consider him a fine talent, it would appear Umanga would be a redundant hiring by Dixie Carter and TNA; at least for the time being.

Which brings us to the last of our relatively recently departed, the most recently (and some would say indecently) departed Spanky; AKA THE Brian Kendrick. Now before I begin I would like to quickly pre-face everything I say by reminding people that Spanky has already been a part of TNA, and that during his time there he didn’t exactly make much of an impact; about the only thing I can say in response to that little wrinkle is that at least he now knows what it’s like to a play to a crowd of 40,000 people. Hopefully with a little more experience than the last time out Spanky can bring more to the TNA table; exactly what that will be and where it will go is something, however, that remains to be seen.

Similar to the fat Samoan dude I was talking about above, Spanky’s biggest problem with making a name for himself in TNA is that there are already a couple of people there effectively doing his shtick, only better; notably AJ Styles. Simple fact of the matter is that TNA are not going to want to push a newcomer into the company over a guy who does pretty much exactly the same thing, as well having been with the company for much longer. Indeed of all the names I’ve brought up today more so than any other would I recommended that Spanky take a trip through the Indy’s before considering TNA. His new “cool CM Punk” gimmick is coming along nicely, but if he truly wants to separate himself from the Alex Shelly’s and Austin Aries of the world (two guys who have perfected that particular performance) he’ll need to put a little more work into it. With any luck though in a few months or so THE Brian Kendrick will be ready to do what he came so close to achieving on Smackdown, and light the wrestling world on fire.




So ends IFS [25], I hope it was as good for you as it was me. Ta ta.

Also if you wouldn’t mind doing so, strike a blow to the proliferation of stale comedy from Hollywood by going to see “In the Loop” at your local cinema technological centre. Double Ta.

[Martin Riggs]

Know what Cic? Probably your best work.

I don't know, i was just riveted throughout this, and, asskissing aside, i really enjoyed it.

Top hole, old bean. Absolute bully

[Freeman]

^ I tend to agree.

Way to bring your "A" game for the silver anniversary of IFS. Normally I would cry foul about the lenght, but it really wasn't an issue here as it was so God damn entertaining. Loved how you effortlessly went from your usual bizarre self to something relatively normal at the end when discussing who would be a good fit for TNA.

Loved the stories in the middle as well. Major LOL.

Top stuff cici, my favourite of yours so far.

[Vikodin]

Very unusual for you Cici. I actually noticd a couple of spelling and grammer errors in this. For example, bitches, not bithces, talent's not talent s, just tossed to the curb instead of just tossed the curb, that if not for instead of that of not for. It wasn't enough to take me out of the column too much, but given your normal high standard with regards to these things......
Also, it's Umaga not Umanga.

As for the content, probably your best work.

[ca$hmoney]

cic,

Definetly some of your best I've ever read. The first half and the second half were written completely differently, but it stilled flowed perfectly. I tend to agree with you about Matt Morgan, I think he could be really successful in TNA.

[Martin Riggs]

Oh, it's definitely Umanga

[Box Car Rocco]

Very fun look at the "WWE Rejects" That are or may be in TNA.

I'll let you know that you're not alone when it comes to Morgan. I believe that both him and Hernandez should be the ones to be pushed out of this MEM feud seeing as AJ and Joe are over enough.

What would you say about Umaga joining Joe's Nation of Violence which would eventually lead to a dream feud, for me anyway, between the two?

[Uncle Joe]

I'll probably be the only one who will say this but, I've enjoyed your other work moreso than this. Not to say that this wasn't well written, creative and all that other shit we usually hear/say, but I dunno, the beginning part just didn't do it for me.

As for the list of people you've mentioned, you actually made some comprehensive and good reasons for them to succeed, but if we've learned anything, it's that it's TNA dude. The good stuff really only happens by accident; Hernandez, the Beautiful People, Don West being a cunt.


Of all the people you've mentioned, the only one worth a shit is Matt Morgan. For whatever reason, I always liked the guy, but wish he would have went to Japan to learn to work with the smaller dudes (look what it did for Tomko and Prince Albert), more-so than the sloppy doppy indies of the US of A.


Umaga: Sucks, plain and simple. I don't find any redeeming factor in the kid, so fuck him. The only good thing he ever did in my eyes was show me that Jeff Hardy, yes Jeff Hardy, has actually carried people to good matches (Umaga, Orton, Punk, Jericho). Outside of those fantastic matches with Hardy, I have not seen any Umaga match worth half a fuck, and certainly none I can remember. Fuck that fat shit.


Kennedy: He doesn't suck anywhere near as bad as Fat boy, but I just never got what the big deal was over the guy. His selling was nothing special, he could never EVER settle on a finisher and when he did, it would either kill him (Green Bay Plunge) or would outright blow (Mic Check), his mic work was vastly overrated, his "intense, smash mouth" style is performed WAY better and more convincingly by an intriguingly green Mike Mizanin. I will say that he did possess above average ring psychology, that I will give him credit for. But multi time world champ like many were predicting? No way, and if he did end up that way, it's a sad statement on the current state of wrestling, if it wasn't sad as is.




TBK: Fuck him. I liked him when he was spunky baby face, with super energetic offense, not some cocky chihuahua with a shitty 12 o' clock shadow and uneven bangs. A lot of people tell me "you don't know what you're talking about Joe, his Leonardo Spanky gimmick was great" blah lah blah. Fuck you to whoever told me that. Oh my, look at me grow this embarrassing attempt at facial hair and wear my sister's leather jacket, and then do stuff like call you names so you can boo me. You suck dick TBK, now and forever. He should have been called A Brian Kendrick, would have been much better because no one in wrestling uses A before their name; I've seen THE plenty of times, but not A. Think about it: A Brian Kendrick, A Legion of Doom, A Rock N Sock Connection. But yeah, back to the waste; fuck him. He should feel lucky jobbing to one of the best wrestlers that ever lived (Lawler) and working for more than 5 bucks and a slice of yesterday's pizza from the local Morton's. Now, if he puts the A infront of his name, then I'll reconsider my stance on him. Also, Sliced Bread #2 sucks as a finish; he should be using a stay in DDT.



This was one of the better thought out and coherent columns you've put out, but it seems a bit standard, and I hate it knowing that I know the wackiness you're capable of. Either way, my input/opinion means shit anyway dude, seeing as how I think Johnny's (RIP) columns were some of the best stuff to grace th CF in some time, so it goes without saying that this shouldn't even be taken into consideration.

[Benjamin Button]

I enjoyed the read, especially the thoughts on Matt Morgan and Umaga. I never really considered Morgan’s possibilities, but I think you’re really on to something there. Umaga is the most savage of all the Somoans, I'd like to see TNA find something for him, even if they have to be super creative to do it.

[Andy]

I know others have said it already, but I will add that this was your best, and even better than your last one, which was class.

Totally awesome.

[SkittleZ]

The quality of this piece was off the charts, homie.

You don't normally take this route however I think you reassured us all that you're capable of tackling any topic.

And for the record, I always thought Lashley was incredibly sexy (for an African American).

Don't look now but Cici's on fire. Hose that fucker down!

[Super Chrisss]

This seemed like a much more in-depth spin-off of my last column, except you really hit it out of the park with this one. I agree with you on just about everyone, and LOL @ nobody liking Morgan in WWE, and LOL @ only a few people liking him now.

[The Maz]

I am going to have jump on the bandwagon here and say that this was a very very good column CC (Yeah, I'm calling you that now). Variety is the spice of life and I interestingly noticed that the further you delved into this, the more you left behind your madcap commentary. It worked well and it brought a change to your normal style. But just because it worked well doesn't mean that the change should stick as you are the king of your particular style. Summing up, I would gladly read your work if you go down this road again but don't compromise your norm to knock these out.

[Roger Murtaugh]

Interesting cici, a much more focused column without sacrificing all the little things that make your stuff fun to read. While HHH wasn't in WCW long and Mick Foley was one of those freak occurrences, I still do this day believe that Eric firing Austin was one of the stupidest things ever. Back in those days he was a pretty solid wrestler and one of the best t.v. champs they ever had. He also had a couple of solid U.S. title runs as well as being part of one of my favorite tag teams of all time and my favorite stable of all time.

As for Morgan, I agree with you. The guy catches a lot of flack from the net but he's really improved vastly since his WWE days and if he can polish his skills a touch more he could easily be one of the better big guys there.

Fun stuff as always, and a nice change of pace.



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[cicero]

Top hole, old bean. Absolute bully

Jolly smashing.

Very unusual for you Cici. I actually noticd a couple of spelling and grammer errors in this. For example, bitches, not bithces, talent's not talent s, just tossed to the curb instead of just tossed the curb, that if not for instead of that of not for. It wasn't enough to take me out of the column too much, but given your normal high standard with regards to these things......
Also, it's Umaga not Umanga.

It's why I normally avoid lengthy columns.

I tend to agree with you about Matt Morgan, I think he could be really successful in TNA.

He's a lot like WWE's Big Show, only; a) not surrounded by awful big men who reflect badly on him, and, b) not treated like crap by creative.

What would you say about Umaga joining Joe's Nation of Violence which would eventually lead to a dream feud, for me anyway, between the two?

I can't see a feud working. Frankly they're too similar.

LOL @ nobody liking Morgan in WWE, and LOL @ only a few people liking him now.

Dude encourages hating.

Variety is the spice of life and I interestingly noticed that the further you delved into this, the more you left behind your madcap commentary. It worked well and it brought a change to your normal style. But just because it worked well doesn't mean that the change should stick as you are the king of your particular style. Summing up, I would gladly read your work if you go down this road again but don't compromise your norm to knock these out.

Fudge the norm. I'd rather die on my face than live on my back.

I still do this day believe that Eric firing Austin was one of the stupidest things ever. Back in those days he was a pretty solid wrestler and one of the best t.v. champs they ever had. He also had a couple of solid U.S. title runs as well as being part of one of my favorite tag teams of all time and my favorite stable of all time.

Similiar to Kennedy I guess they felt as if they didn't really have enough for him to work with. If they had moved him to the main event as well then it would have been at the cost of an established star; which is a big no no in the worl of pro -wrestling

[Coolio]

very good, and TBK always been meh to me. He is like London he relays on high flying moves to much. I agree about you with Morgan dude has been impressive of late, and TNA has shown faith in pushing him. Now onto Kennedy i'm with you about the injury thing, because if that was the case Batista should of been out along time ago, because his injuries has ruined two of his title reigns. I say if they bring Umaga to TNA get him a manager. Hell give him Cornette, because Cornette is a good talker and isn't doing nothing worthy anyways. I'll read you next time.