Story Time w/ Creeping Death-John Cena Appreciation

[Creeping Death]

Gather around, kids. Your resident Crack head is back, so you know what that means. It is once again time for Story Time!

*Mediocre applause from kids*

That will change. You know why?

*Kid 3* Fine. Why?

Today we are going to talk about John Cena!

*Kids* AHHHHHHH!!!!!! JOHN IS MUH HERO! OH MY GOD JOHN IS THE BESTEST!!! I LOVE JOHN IN A NON-HOMO WAY!!!

You know not everybody feels that way about him?

*Kid 2* You mean people love him in a homo way? Hehe.

No!!! Well, I’m sure there are some, but that’s not what I mean. I mean, people think he sucks.

*Kid 1* Who would dare say anything bad about Cena? Let us grab our torch and pitchforks!

….

*Kid 2* I think he’s serious…

*Kid 1* I am…

Alrighty then. John Cena isn’t as bad as people make him out to be. I, myself, am not the “Numbah 1 Chain Gang Soldier,” but I don’t understand the hate. So ladies, gentleman, and hermaphrodites. I proudly bring you the...

JOHN CENA APRECIATION COLUMN.

This is the part where I usually put something funny.

He Does Not Have Just 5 Moves!!!

You heard me right. He does not have 5 moves. To prove this point, I did a little research on YouTube. I looked up a match at a place where it is right to showcase every move in your arsenal. A place where if you don’t give it your all, you have no right wrestling anymore. That place is Wrestlemania. The showcase of immortals. The Superbowl of Wrestling.

You would think that would be a place to pull out everything you got and give your opponent hell. That’s my thinking, anyway. So I looked up Cena’s last singles match at Wrestlemania. It was John Cena vs. The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels at Wrestlemania 23. They wrestled a 30 minute epic in front of 80,103.

The reasoning behind my choice of match is that in my mind, you have more opportunities to pull your moves (ha!) than in a Triple Threat, which is what Cena has been in the last two years.

I watched the 4 part video on YouTube in hopes to debunk the everlasting myth of the 5 Moves of Doom. I happy to say I did just that. These are the results.

1.) Punch

2.) Clothsline

3.) Shoulder Block

4.) Sit-Out Powerbomb

5.) 5 Knuckle Shuffle

6.) FU/ Attitude Adjustment

7.) STF/U

That’s right, ladies, gentleman. He does not have five. He used 7 different moves that night. So, to all those haters that say he has 5 moves, I say this: STFU (get it?). Oh God, I’m sorry. Yep, they left. *Sigh* Dammit.

His Entertainment Value

There is something about Cena that immediately makes you give a reaction. You cannot deny that the man has natural charisma the likes that we haven’t seen since the days of The Rock. The very millisecond that the opening riff of Cena’s music hits, you either cheer your head off or you boo.

Think back. Very back. So far back that you might not remember it. It was last year. January 27. January could only mean one thing…the Royal Rumble.

Triple H was the 29th entrant. He was dominating the match. Many wondered who the 30th entrant was going to be. Was it a surprise entrant? Nobody knew who it was. The countdown began.

10

9

The crowd paid more attention to the Tron than the match.

8

7

The suspense was building.

6

5

Just hurry up and bring them out already

4

3

2

WhO iS iT?!?!?!?

1

…..

Daaaaaaaaa Daaaaaaa Daaaa Daaa.*Or however Cena’s music goes.*

The crowd went wild. Go back to YouTube and check it out if you have to. The crowd went nuts. Not only was it the biggest pop of the night, but in quite some time. Then the very next day, it was back to “Cena Sucks!”

That’s so cute. You guys love him. Dawwwww!

John Cena’s Top Ten Awesome Quotes

Let’s start the Top Ten countdown at number 6.


6.)

"Big Brock Lesnar. Here comes the pain! God build me strong. Forget to give me brain."

For the first half of 2003, John sought the WWE Championship, then on the Smackdown brand and being held by Brock Lesnar. As anybody will admit, rapping Cena was the best thing. It brought us very funny moments. Most of the Top Ten will be from Old School Cena. And a couple of the Top Ten will be from the Cena-Lesnar feud.

As we all know, Cena did not get the upper hand in this feud, and didn’t gain the WWE Championship. But it did, however, put him in the chase for the championship.

10.)

"Vickieee…You got some ‘splainin to do!"

This obviously isn’t that long ago. Like Triple H has done so many times before, Cena placed a hidden camera in hopes to catch something, then show it for the world to see. Well, who knew he would catch anything? That thing he did catch was a huge thing. A thing that has never been seen before. I just lied about that thing. That thing seems to happen every year. That thing is a scandal!

The camera shows Vickie in her office, Edge in the shower. Big Show comes in, they talk a bunch of mushy mushy and OH MY GOD THEY KISSED! A big, long, juicy, tongue shoved down your throat, vomit inducing kiss. Poison Control needs to tell people to watch that video to induce vomiting.

And don’t get me started on that butt smack from Vickie.

Right before Vickie was going to explain herself to Edge, he brought us our number 10 quote. Onto 9!

9.)

"Forget seeing me, you can’t see your own penis!"

What a great time it was. I said this once, and it will come up many more times; rapping Cena owns current Cena. Who could forget the epic rap battles? Especially against Big Show. In fact, who’s to say this is the last we will hear from the Cena/Big Show rap battle? Hintitty hint hint hint.

Poor Big Show. He made a good showing, but then he got shot down by Cena. Who woulda thunk it? I’ll never forget the wardrobe Show was wearing. Straight up playa!



That’s the only size I could find. I bet if he sported that look all the time, people would take him more seriously.

8.)

"As sure as you’re a fat tub of donkey crap!"

This awesome quote was directed at Sir Paul Heyman. Obviously, back then, I hated him. But now that I have grown older, and wiser, I have come to appreciate Heyman even more. Same with Bischoff. Yesterday, I was home alone thinking to myself, “Huh…I guess I kinda miss the son of a bitch.” Actually, my first memory of wrestling, when I rediscovered it, that is, was him walking all over and going into bars looking for Stone Cold Steve Austin. Good times…

Our number 8 quote, as I said, directed at Paul E. Paul asked Cena “Are you sure Benoit’s feet hit first?” Heyman made it his goal to stop Benoit at all cost. Benoit was trying to become WWE Champion, but for some reason, Heyman wouldn’t have any of it. But surprise, surprise, Benoit did win the Championship after winning the Rumble and switching brands.

See what I did there? I mentioned Benoit without the ****** or “he who shall not be mentioned” crap. I ain’t dead yet. Unless it takes a while to kick in.

7.)

"Back then, Lindsay Lohan did her first line…"

In a movie. Her first line in a movie, you jerks. What did you think that I meant?

Who could forget Carlito’s Cabana? I could. But not before I think back to the biggest Cabana’s eva with special guest John Cena! Carlito brought up the fact that he beat Cena in his debut match to win the U.S. Title. Cena then brings up the fact about how that was so long ago. Back then, Britney Spears was still hot. Back then, Michael Jackson wasn’t that creepy.

Ok, maybe he was. I don’t know about you but dead people are creepy.


5.)

"Lita doesn't exaclty what you guys would call a very good defense... what that means is a lot of balls have been pounded in that endzone. In fact her endzone if kind of like the one you see at a Sooners game. It's red, it's real experience, and its got 11 guys trying to score in it at once!"

Edge and Lita- The power couple of the decade. Only the Tits McGee and Nosey McGee faction could rival them.

Who could forget the greatest feud of 2006? Didn’t Rey Mysterio and Chavo work great together? I guess Cena feuded with Edge in 2006, too. That was pretty good. They had an epic TLC Match at Unforgi…errr…Breaking Point.

Oh, and Lita’s a hoe.

4.)

"You’re just a white Fat Albert!"

As promised, this is another one from the Big Show/Cena feud.

Obviously, I’m a little too young to remember Fat Albert; mostly because I wasn't born yet. That would explain it. So I went to my trust reliable source of which shall not be mentioned (hint: it rhymes with hickapedia) and read up on Fat Albert. Honestly, all I know of Al is the Kenan Thompson remake. Here’s what I found:

- Fat Albert is indeed fat. So is the Big Show.

- Suprisingly, Fat Albert is active in sports with his Junkyard Gang. Big Show wrestles for a living.

- Fat Albert is the conscience of the Junkyard Gang, and keeps the integrity in the gang. Big Show had an affair with an ugly old wrench. Damn! So close.

3.)

"…Lightning will shoot from my ass. When the dust settles, Umaga will say his first words…"

So, it seems I was right in my prediction of drugs for grounds for the dismissal of Youmanga. Yea me! Yahoo for me! Yahoo for school! Go to school, kids; you don’t want to end up like this man…



Lightning shoots from John Cena’s ass? What the hell does he eat? Thunder Beans? Yes, that is a real brand. I saw the bag hanging in my local Mexican restaurant. Of course, the standard “crazy uncle” in every family had to scream “Are ya eating them Thunder Beans?” That’s not the worst thing he done. It involes a newscast about waitresses wearing bikinis while we are eating at Pizza Hut. Our waitress is involved too. If you want to know the whole story, please, hesitate to ask.

Umaga started talking just before he got fired. Coincidence? Yes.

2.)

["….Ruthless Aggression."

Truth be told, I did forget about this one. One would think that if I forgot about it, it can’t be that important, thus not being in the Top Ten. Certainly not in the number 2 spot, either. Truth is, I find this to be very important. This single quote catapulted John into the limelight.

John came out as a debuting rookie to answer Kurt Angle’s challenge. Nobody knew who he was. Angle, taken back by this rookie getting in his face, asked what he had that made him so special. Cena got in his face and replied with our number 2 quote. He followed that with an attack. Cena made an impact in his debut, regardless if he won or not. Not many people can do that.

1.)

"That’s a nice tattoo of your mother on your back."

John just brought Lesnar’s mother into this. Doesn’t Cena know that Brock’s mother died the week before this in a terrible auto accident? Yeah, the car then caught on fire, and his mother was trapped in a firery inferno, leaving her to look like the skeleton on Brock’s back. John is so insensitive. Bastard.

This would be a great place to stop. Yep, I’m leaving you on a sour note, and I don’t really care. In closing, I shall say this. Lay off them Thunderbeans.

Oh, I have something else to say. Not to rip off Hustle, but allow me to rip off Hustle.

Writer’s Note: I’ve been working on this for months. Not sure why I didn’t get this out sooner. I make no guarantees, but I doubt the next one will be this long of a wait. If you want a hint on the next Appreciation, he’s fat and wears a thong. If you need help figuring out who it is, I’ll have him do one of his signature moves to you. You’ll be tasting enchiladas for a week. Also, Madison Bovine will return. I have to say, I have a few surprises in store. Surprises for you and me, because I have no idea what hell is going on.

Another Writer’s Note:

"Hypocrite: The man who murdered his parents, and then pleaded for mercy on the grounds that he was an orphan." - Abraham Lincoln.

Then Another Writer’s Note: I just realized something. I believe I have broken the curse. I said Benoit without ***** or “he who shall not be named.” I guess all that phony hoopla was just phony hooooooooooooooooooosfvgn;kjsdv n ghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhh



What happened to Creeping Death? Is he dead? Or is he knocked out? Is he in a coma? Find out next time. Meanwhile, leave a comment!

[Box Car Rocco]

Your tributes are always fun to read CD, this was no exception. The quotes were once again the best part of your tribute but how could you miss out on quotes from the Christian/John Cena battle rap.

You need to write more often as you're one of the more "funner" writers to read.

[Jason Boy]

Originally Posted by Box Car Rocco

Your tributes are always fun to read CD, this was no exception. The quotes were once again the best part of your tribute but how could you miss out on quotes from the Christian/John Cena battle rap.

You need to write more often as you're one of the more "funner" writers to read.

Exactly what I was saying

[Super Chrisss]

You seem to have a really natural 'comedic' voice when you write. In other words, you write funny shit and it is actually funny.

My one complaint is this: how the fuck did "JBL is poopy" not make the list? lol

[Creeping Death]

BCR- Thanks a lot. I will try to write more. Honestly, I have nothing that's holding me back, expect procrastination. The next column I'm working on is about half way done already, but I started it the same time I started this.

Jason Boy- What were you saying? I should write more? You wanted to see something from the Christian/Cena Rap? Both? Help!

Supah Chrissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss- JBL is poopy epitomizes the WWE PG era. It's ruining my love for wrestling because of all this "childish" and sophomoric humor. If it was the way it should be, he would have spray painted "JBL is a fucking ass hole." Then maybe it would have made my prestige list.


Nah, I'm just yanking ya. I really wanted to focus more on the "Old School" Cena, than present day. Five quotes from rapping cena, 4 from present day, and 1 from pre-rapping. I hope I'm say rap-ing and not rape-ing

[Jason Boy]

What I wanted to say was that you are excellent at comedic writing, I mean your Santino Appreciation Column is still hilarious and I want to see more of your writing. Not a Column a month or two but more often

[Benjamin Button]

This easy going funny column made me really happy. It’s about time somebody stuck up for Cena. He may not be the best in ring wrestler, but there has been room in the wrestling business for showmen like him for a few decades. He is ratings and money. Personally, I enjoyed the triple threat match at this past WM more than the WWE title match.

Button up.

[Creeping Death]

Jason Boy- Gotcha. I will try to get more out. In fact, I have a goal to get my next column out by next week. For once, I think I might meet that goal.

Mr. Button- Making people happy is what I'm about. Thanks for telling me to button up in the middle of freakin' summer! Just kidding.

Thanks for the feedback everybody. Keep them coming.

[XanMan]

Jesus Christ, this was funny! I haven't laughed at a column like this in years, so thank you.

[Andy_Savana]

Dude this almost goes exactly with my John Cena column.

Except mine wasn't as colorful.

[Creeping Death]

Sir Xan- You're right, it has been a while since I put one out. Boo-Ya! Wouldn't go so far as years, however. Thanks for commenting.

Andy_S- I hope you don't think I saw your Cena column and decided do do my own, as I had this in mind and half way written out for a month now. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to comment.

Thanks for the feedback everybody!

[Coolio]

good column, and you had me laughing. Cena really does get to much heat for nothing. Also i agree his rapping run was lots better then his run now. i'll read you next time.

[Kano]

CD!

It's been to long since your last column as I really enjoyed this and your previous two. John as a heel and rapping, by far some of his best work. And his inring skill has come a long way since then, his mind for the business so if he was to go back to rapping and a heel he would be awesome.

But alas this isn't a perfect world.

Well done man, looking forward to your next installment

[cicero]

Awesome for a while, depressingly touching picture, kind of sychophantic at the end. I thought for a moment your 'starting at six joke' was a humerous way of saying Cena had little of interest to say, tis a shame that wasn't the case.

[The Maz]

Love these. As cool as Madison Bovine is, you really nail these and are getting better and better. The flow of your writing is very good and I love the way you throw in the offbeat comments that don't feel forced in any way whatsoever. Looking forward to the next round of MAdison but I will be very upset if there will not be more appreciations in the future. Jericho, The Rock and DX should definitely be on the table and a Scott Steiner one would be absolutely golden.

[Creeping Death]

Coolio!- Glad you liked it.

Kano!- It's been too long since my last one. When Cena goes heel, I'm actually not to sure if he would start rapping again. I would love to see it, but I don't think WWE would pull it off. You're right, this isn't a perfect world. People like Cronkite and Ed McMahon are dead, but yet people like Jimmy Fallon gets his own show. What the fuck, I say!

Cicerio!-

Let’s start the Top Ten countdown at number 6.

It's a top ten countdown. I wouldn't let my minons down by half assing a column, would I? Did I? Will I?

Maz!- Don't worry, there will be more Appreciation columns. If I run out of ideas, I'll do a Unappreciation column. Maybe on HHH....just kidding.

Thanks everybody for reading and taking the time out of your life to feedback. You spent 7 minutes for me, and I appreciate that .

[Leonard]

Hi there, CD. I wanted to stop by and tell you how much I enjoyed this. It was a little sporatic and "random" at parts, but I think that's part of its charm. It's good that you stuck up for Cena...while I don't personally care for him, I can appreciate what he's done for the business thus far. Good work friend.

--Leonard

[Creeping Death]

Leonard! Thanks for stopping by and leaving feedback. It's charming that you find my column charming. Question, however. You dislike Cena....but you love Adamle? The hell man, the hell?

Thanks a lot, man.

[Vikodin]

Dude, awesome work right here. I haven't laughed at a column this hard in ages.

[Creeping Death]

Vikodin- Mucho gracias! Very glad you liked it. I said this earlier, but if I make people laugh, I'm a happy man.

No more thread bumping! Here's to the last of the feedback.

[Shaun]

Good column.
Cena is gold and he sells, if I don't see a Cena vs The Rock feud at some point in the next 10 years I will be bitterly disappointed.