Not The Knight's Report # 14 - Memories of King Massengill

[BeyondKnight]

So this is what is has come to…

What is BK without The Knight’s Report? As you may or may not know, (or care) I tried to play hardball with the CF network, valuing my creative control and freedom over the comforts of being the network’s resident talk show host. I was thrown out of the studio, fired from Team America and left to wallow in my own crapulence. And while I may still have my new job as Xan’s wacky sidekick in our installments of the BK/Xanny Power Hour (or ETA if Xan has his way) your friendly neighborhood BK desires more. So while I may not have the network’s prestige, the back-up of the graphics department, my army of loyal interns, or the anchor chair on my beloved Report; I am still the Beacon of Wisdom and Knowledge! No one can ever take that away from me. When the cameras stop rolling I am still spewing forth righteous knowledge. Even if I am doing it alone and without an audience.

Being an outsider is not without its advantages Nation. Without the confines of my show, I am free to do whatever I want, even if it doesn’t fit nicely into a pre-packaged segment or my precious Primary Groove. And while I no longer have the resources to compliment my tales with graphics and color as I once did, I can still tell them. So while we may not have the trappings of the greatest talk show The CF Network had ever seen, I am still here to suckle you at my nipple of virtue. Come drink from me and rejuvenate your spirit.

So Nation now is the time for one of those stories of my life that the network refused to air. They claimed it quote unquote “portrayed conduct unbecoming of a representative of The CF Network.” You see, I haven’t always been the clean-cut Beacon of Righteousness that the network so desperately wanted to paint me as. In fact, during my formative collegiate years, I wasn’t much of an inspiration or a role model at all. And I admit, with only a bit of shame, I once had a fit of rage in which I was compelled to annihilate a 12-year-old in a bar.

Come with me Nation, back to the summer of 2002. I had just returned to Edinboro University of PA for my junior year of college. During my sophomore year it had become tradition amongst a group of us to take an excursion from our little college town and campus into the neighboring city of Erie to watch WWE PPV’s that were unavailable through Boro’s only cable provider. Throughout the year we made the often hazardous trek up route 79 into whatever local bar we could find that was showing the event. There was/is a saying about Erie weather; Erie has 3 different seasons than the rest of the world. There is “Almost Winter”, then "Winter”, followed by “Still Winter”, and then finally “Construction”. Our PPV expeditions were some of the highlights of my collegiate career, often times capping off an extensive weekend bender of booze and debauchery.

This particularly fine evening, August 25th, 2002 to be exact, was the capping-off of our welcoming-back party weekend. The gang hadn’t been gathered together for a WWE event since the previous Backlash, having been forced to break apart and return to our silly families over the summer. It had been an awful summer for me Nation. I had spent it working the night shift at a Sony factory building televisions that I could never hope to afford. It seemed like that summer dragged out forever, but this night I was finally with my friends and all once again seemed right with the world. Life was grand Nation. I was out of the dorms and living in my first apartment. I had just begun a new relationship the day before with a young lady I had spent the better part of the previous semester flirting with. I had an entire year of potential laid out before me, and it all started that night with SummerSlam. Which was being headlined by my hero.

We had arrived at local sports-bar called Scorchers. Scorchers never could decide whether it wanted to be a family restaurant or a standard bar. They would just as often card at the door and deny entry to anyone under 21 as they would serve anyone that could see over the bar. Fortunately I had a not quite truthful identity card that would grant me entrance into the establishment regardless of whether they asked for it or not. So while there were plenty of kids there that night (with their parents of course), I was able to drink freely despite being a year shy from imbibing with the state’s blessing. And drink I did Nation! Generous helpings of Sam Adams and Jack and Gingers were consumed over the course of the evening along with plenty of hot wings. So by the time the highly anticipated main event rolled around, I was quite happy and feeling full of life. I knew that the perfect end to this wonderful weekend would be to witness my hero, The Great One, put an end to all this “Next Big Thing” nonsense once and for all.

Nation, my love for The Rock knew no bounds. Months earlier in the very same bar, I witnessed the masses turn against him during his epic encounter with Hollywood Hulk Hogan at Wrestmania. By the end of the match I was the only one left cheering for Rock. But I knew that on this night there wouldn’t be a nostalgia factor involved. Hulk Hogan was a part of our collective childhood, indulging in those moments of youth by cheering him on in his first Mania in 9 years could be forgiven. Tonight’s main even was an entirely different story. Fuck Brock Lesnar. The Rock would perceiver as a triumphant hero once again. I knew that to be true. I knew it. So without a care in the world I continued to drink, enjoying the event and the company of my friends.

As the night wore on my excitement and anticipation for the main event grew and grew. By the time the video package rolled I was positively ecstatic. I smiled at my new girlfriend, acknowledging her playful squeezes of my thigh as signals that the night’s fun would not come to an end when SummerSlam had ended, and having yet another beer to celebrate. And when my favorite entrance blared, I thrust a fist into the air and raised my left eyebrow in a crude imitation. The time had arrived and Rocky was about to cement his reign as WWE Undisputed Champion.

I continued to cheer on my hero, certain in the knowledge he would not let me down. The Rock had beaten everyone; Chump Lesnar would be no different. I grinned as I envisioned him slapping the taste out of the bloated mouth of Paul Heyman. I knew that his roided-up rookie couldn’t be the WWE Undisputed Champion just 6 meager months after his debut. That would be stupid and unheard of. I knew that despite dominate victories over the Hardy Boyz and RVD, and even winning the King of the Ring, Brock did not equate to being in the same league as The Rock. I knew that at the end of the night, just as it had been for Wrestlemania 18, I would be the loudest of the Rock’s fans cheering on his victory.

I knew nothing.

What unfolded turned my stomach and still sickens me to this day. After multiple counts of interference by Heyman, Brock Lesnar kicked out of The People’s Elbow. I could feel my mouth going dry. Surely they wouldn’t be so stupid as to- He then successful hit the F-5 and covered my hero. I waited in breathless anticipation the for Rock’s arm to spring to life coming up off the mat at the 2.95 mark as it has done in so many matches before. The Rock’s arm never moved. It had happened. It was over. As the chump stood there in the ring celebrating his dominance I felt sick. Something had gone wrong. It wouldn’t, it couldn’t end like this. On the verge of panic my drunken eyes began darting around the room in disbelief. Why wasn’t everyone sharing in my disgust and distain for what has just happened. Were those looks of pleasure and even approval on the faces of my fellow audience members? This could not be happening, could it? And then I saw it.

He was standing. Waving his arms in the air, jumping up and down in excitement. All the noise of my friends, Lesnar’s bullshit theme music that had been blaring since the unthinkable had occurred, and the bar chatter faded away. I heard his pre-pubscent voice squeak “He did it Dad! He kicked The Rock’s ass!”

How dare he betray The Rock who had given us so much and align himself with that charlatan? I was going to teach this child a lesson in respect. Immediately I was upon my feet ready to give the young punk a fist full of justice when, just as immediately, a pair of hands shoved me back down into my chair. My friend Rob, a much more level-headed man as far as these matters were concerned looked at me and said, “Please tell me that you weren’t about to pick a fight with a 12 year old because The Rock lost. Have you completely lost your mind?”

I opened by mouth to speak, but the words just wouldn’t form. Instead, I turned my attention back to the screen which was till showing replays of Lesnar’s victory and subsequent celebration. Although the rage was still there, it was slowly being replaced by a quiet revelation. Something had irrevocably changed. The world had moved on. After a deep breath I managed to form a single sentence. It was the last time I would speak until we were back in the car on the way home and the true ramifications of that night began to sink in.

“That douche bag is going to ruin everything,”

You see Nation, that night I was graced with an epiphany. Brock Lesnar would not only forever be the product of my scorn, (fuck him) he had heralded the end of an era both literally and figuratively. Seven years later we are still suffering the ill effects of the night the Attitude Era truly breathed its last breath, and the evil I call the quote unquote "Brock Lesnar Effect" began to take hold.

Nation if I were to run a poll, what do you think would be the biggest complaint about the WWE? I don’t even need to run a poll Nation; I know the answer without the question. I’m like Jeopardy. I know that most of you feel that the WWE isn’t building new stars quickly or effectively enough. But why should they bother Nation? Can they even chance the risk of repeating the tremendous fuck up that Brock Lesnar became? All of that money, time, promotion and sacrifice, wasted in a selfish instant.

Vince spent 2 years building Brock Lesnar into a marketable brand only for the ass-hat to throw it all away on the prospect of playing in the NFL, without ever giving back a single thing to the company that had made him famous. I can here the Heretics cry now, Brock Lesnar was the one that put Eddie over! And to that claim I call bullshit. Lesnar dropped the title to Latino Heat, but it took Kurt Angle and the Wrestlemania stage to definitively prove to the world that Eddie was main event certified.

Lesnar couldn’t even be bothered to try and put on a quality match in his final WWE appearance. From the moment of his entrance you could see the apathy in his eyes. The sole bright spot of that terrible match which blemished an otherwise excellent Mania was seeing Lesnar almost break down in tears at the jeers and taunts from the NYC crowd. It warmed my heart and it had re-affirmed what I had realized that fateful night of SummerSlam in 2002. Brock Lesnar was a waste, and he still is. Fuck him. Seriously Nation, he's the one person in the world that could get me to cheer for Fred.

Thankfully, the retard didn’t see a single minute of playing time, so I suppose there is some tiny bit of justice in the world. I suppose that it’s not fair that today’s mid-carders and rookies have to suffer for Brock’s mistake, but neither is life. The Heretics can whine, bitch, and complain all they like about how Super-Cena, Triple H-inatior, and the like are holding down and squashing all the younger talent. And while it may be technically true, it’s not their fault. Nor is it being done out of "insecurity of someone taking their spot". Vince will never again make a talent the face of his company before he is 125% sold on their commitment. Look at the fate of Kennedy and Umaga. They both had all the potential in the world, arguably more than Brock, but Vince knew that until they had been proven loyal under fire they weren’t touching WWE gold. Sure it may be unfair and unpopular, but that's how the world works. It only takes one selfish asshole to ruin it for everyone else.

Nation, I know it’s only a matter of time before Lesnar as UFC champion blows up in Dana White’s face. I haven’t worked out all the details yet, but I have a few theories. He’s either going to deliberately injure a competitor with his total lack of respect for anyone besides himself, strike an official, or do something so colossally stupid as to lose the UFC one of its sponsors. Brock Lesnar is King Massengill: Everything he touches turns to douche. I only hope by that time the CF Network has come to their senses and returned my show to me so I can use it as a platform to herald his downfall to the masses.

Goodnight Nation!

[Andy_Savana]

If you read my new column......plug....you will know The Rock is my favorite wrestler in the history of my life.

Thus I hate Brock Lesnar more than I could possibly love The Rock.

I hate Brock Lesnar so much I stopped watching when he started wrestling. So much love for The Rock I have seen all his movies. Doom is a bad ass movie and I hope Brock Lesnar makes a movie called Doom 2 that goes straight to video and he is accidentally shot.

I have my dreams.

[JoeyShinobi]

I think this break from the network will do you the world of good, BK. I think stripping away that brashness the execs force you to convey reveals an articulate and balanced columnist, and while their intentions were selfish, they have made you better and stronger as a result. Here's hoping you go onto much greater things from here - perhaps a new show, a more mature audience, perhaps some interns wearing suits? Perhaps there'll be a grand piano and some blue lights swathing the stage.

Everyone's got different ideas of when the Attitude Era died. For you and me, it was the night Rock jobbed out to Lesnar, despite being an infinitely greater champion and asset to WWE. Wrestling fans seem to have forgiven Lesnar, glad he's breaking down barriers in professional fighting. Many haven't forgiven The Rock. I'm not sure that's right.

[Andy_Savana]

I have not forgiven Brock.

I never hated The Rock.

Know this.

[Martin Riggs]

I really enjoyed this, BK, your storytelling was engaging and intimate, and i felt your disgust and disappointment through your writing.

Enjoyable stuff.

Maybe you could call this the Beacon of Wisdom and Light Movements... or the BoWaL Movements! i know, i know, cheap laugh...

[Leonard]

Erie has 3 different seasons than the rest of the world. There is “Almost Winter”, then "Winter”, followed by “Still Winter”, and then finally “Construction”.

I've never heard truer words spoken, friend...is 'truer' a word?

At any rate, I agree that this hiatus from the "network" is a good thing. I thought your storytelling was pretty convincing, and you painted a picture for your audience (and, I wouldn't put it past you to fight a 12-year-old...after all, you 'FU' babies, right?). Having said that, as good as the story was, I felt like it took too long to get to your ultimate point (that being that Brock Lesnar ruined 'everything'). Once you got there, though, I felt like you made some vaild points.

I'm especially glad you mentioned the match with Angle at WrestleMania making Guerrero a legitimate main eventer...that's an oft-forgotten match that's actually very good. OK, I've said my peace. Solid as always, sir.

--Leonard

[Box Car Rocco]

Can't really say much more then what's been said. Losing the interns has seemed to help you here as you allowed your storytelling to shine through. Lots of good humour throughout, especially since I could imagine you about to pick a fight with the 12 year old.

Interesting thing about Lesnar in UFC at the end aswell. Everyone seems to want a piece of him, even TNA's newest signing Bobby Lashley!

May the interns be gone, but not forgotten!

[Andy]

I don't think I have read any of your previous work (apart from your pieth Xan), which is a shame because this was very good. You managed to be humourous whilst still managing to keep it serious, if you know what I mean.

All in all, I really enjoyed this.

[Super Chrisss]

Great stuff BK! I never thought of Brock Lesnar being the reason WWE wait so long nowadays to push people to the top. Other than Carlito and Santino of course. But that's another story.

Very well written, and you mixed in many of your own emotions. Therefore, job well done!

[BeyondKnight]

Andy,

It's ok to dream. I dream all the time. I am going to assume that between plugging your column and hating on Brock that you meant to say that you liked this? In all your feedback you never really mentioned my column. Damn kids.


Joey,

Maybe I do need some time away from the lights and glamour of my show. Improvement is the name of the game and perhaps this is to be my long dark tea time of the soul. I hope there are better things on the horizion too. I guess we'll find out together. As for forgiving The Rock, there is nothing to forgive. He did everything he possibly could to put over anyone and everyone before he retired. As far as BK is concerned, the Rock has already settled with the house and doesn't owe us a thing.

Boomy,

Good joke, but I'm sticking with Not The Knight's Report for now. I may steal that joke for later use though, so fair notice. I'm glad you enjoyed my little tale. It did become something of a running gag for the rest of my college career, "12 year old beware". Thanks for the read.

Lenny,

For the record I only FU my own babies. I don't want people to think I am totally crazy. I didn't intended for Brock Lesnar ruining everything to be my ultimate point, just more of a story about how our experiences shape our ideals. Plus I thought it was a really good story and I didn't want to do it any injustice. Maybe you just had to be there.


Roccoy,

The best humor is the humor that is true. As for the story-telling, I'm not sure that it'll become a permanant staple of NTKR, but it is something I really enjoy when the situation warrents it. Don't tell anyone, but I actually miss my interns.

Andy 2y,

Dude you should read my previous work, it kicks all kinds of ass. Not really, but I am proud of most of it. Alot of it was killed after the re-set but some of it is still hanging around in the depths of the CF and in the US/UK forum. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I've been reading your stuff as well and you are getting better and better with each passing column. I know it would help to say that to you in your own feedback, but I was busy fighting those show stealing bastards at the network.

Chrissy,

I've thought a lot about how bad things became because of Lesnar. Having him debut, win KOTR, win the WWE Undisputed Title, win the RR, and then headline Mania in a single year was downright criminal. It's part of the reason that I don't give a lot of creedance to arguments about Cena and HHH being shoved down our throats. And even though Santino and Carlito were given prominent spots and prestige upon their debut, they weren't made into the face of the company.

Thanks everyone for the reads and the feeds. I know I always say I am going to try and be more consistent, but I'd rather publish 1 column every month and 1/2 than publish something I rushed through and don't care about to meet a deadline.

[Brilliant]

LOL, BK is a real life Chuck Taylor.

As one of your original fans since the "pilot" episode, Im saddened a bit to see you've been forced off the "air". Even without the glitz and other trappings we've become familiar with in your "work", you still can get the job done. To be honest, I like this format a little better but it needs pics or something. Good job and that jazz.

As head of your graphics dept, I speak for all the other "employees" when I say, thanks for letting us know we're jobless ya dick. Some of us got mortgages, bookies and dealers to pay! If you'd like a new banner to reflect your new look, you know how to get at me. We'll work out a payment plan, but Im not accepting anymore babysitting offers as barter. Lil brilliantito is traumatized from the last time when you gave him the Rock Bottom just because he said he wanted pancakes.

[BeyondKnight]

Bril,

Thanks for being a part of the show since the beginning. And unlike those kids in the video, that 12 year old had it coming. Douche. And is that kid of your still whining? Damn, I thought you would have taught him to man up.

Where we go from here Nation, I am not sure. But it should be a fun ride.

[Coolio]

good column, and i to am a Rock fan. I'm also a Lesnar fan, and he has helped MMA alot as a whole. Also if you hate Lesnar so much you should watch UFC, and him getting punched in the face should be fun for you lol. i'll read you next time.

[Uncle Joe]

This could have used a little bit more Fuck Brock Rhetoric, but what can I say? You can now blame Brock for MVP's lack of push. Thansk for giving me more Brock ammo BK.

[The Maz]

Love it, love it, love it. Although I was a fan whilst you were with the network, I can understand why certain people may think you were a tad stale. This however is a new lease of life for you and there was a whole lot more than just the comedy pulling it through. I love how the comedy, personal experience and opinions all came together in a nice little package here. Probably the best thing I have seen from you since Mark's first column. Excellent job.

[Prince-Jigsaw]

This is one of the most interesting reads. I am still not ashamed to say that I am a Brock Lesnar fan, own one of his shirts, watch all of his fights, stil lwatch his matched on youtube from time to time, all that good stuff. But this was great storytelling. If you F-U babies, I'd hate to think what you would do to a 12 year old.

Best point of the column was where you said that Brock is the reason that people have to wait before being pushed to Main Event. I will be sharing this point with many of my friends as a conversation topic. Very nice work, I look forward to reading your future stuff.

[Benjamin Button]

Even though I disagree with Brock being that damn bad and the reason for young guys today not getting pushed, I wouldn’t change the writing if I could. Your relentless view made this column.

I kindly disagree with the feedback that wished for more “fuck Brock’s.” Your disdain for Brock was well crafted in this and the reason for many scary and/or funny moments in the story like when you could have hit the twelve year old and your epiphany, “That douche bag is going to ruin everything,”