Quote Me Happy #10 ~ "Who Blew Up Vince?"

[Freeman]

"The entire British empire was built on cups of tea, and if you think I'm going to war without one, mate, you're mistaken."

What's good geezers and geezettes? Yes it's me, Freeman, hitting this Columns Forum block once again with a double digit celebratory edition of Quote Me Happy. I'm currently on a day off from appearing in court, so I thought it would be the perfect time to get my column posted up. No, I haven't been caught nicking from the Co-Op or anything like that, I'm currently right in the middle of Jury Service. To any of my readers who haven't yet been called up to do it, let me just tell you that it's the single most boring experience you will probably ever have to endure in your entire life. Enough about that though, it's a celebration bitches! Time to get on with the show.

This week's theme is a real classic, the quite fantastic "Lock Stock And Two Smoking Barrels" released in 1998. Those of you that have been with me since number one will know that I did "Snatch" in my first column, and I've finally got round to answering a request to do Lock Stock. That's the thing about British gangster films, they're just littered with quoting potential, and that's the reason I use them so much. Anyway, this week's topic is in line with my recent Jury Service experience, as it's based on a crime theme. I'd also like to thank StormDragonz for the idea, though I doubt he'll read it. Loyal Freeman fans, please join me as I pose the question:

Who Blew Up Vince McMahon?

"Come on! Not now, please, not... Oh, you fucking bastard."

Damn you WWE! Potentially one of the best angles in all of WWE history has been completely forgotten about. An angle that, at the time at least, was executed so well that some news stations were reporting it as a legitimate event. I was begging you not to end it, but you did, you bastards. You see, it's been three years since Vince McMahon went and got himself blown up in a limo, and we still haven't been told who it was yet. Holy keeping your audience in suspense and dragging out an angle Batman. However, fear not my minions, your main man Freeman has been on the case, chasing up leads and examining clues with my magnifying glass that I got for Christmas when I was five years old. All this just to answer a question that's been burning away in my mind since that fateful night three years ago, just who the fuck was it?

"A little bit of pain never hurt anybody, if you know what I mean."

I do have another burning question before we get to the main topic however. Yeah, I realise that WWE is scripted and everything, but it's just not a very good script when someone doesn't want to find out who blew them up. Vince, you might have admitted you faked your own death but we all know the truth, some cunt tried to blow you up didn't they? But why not follow up on it dude? Why pass it off as water under the bridge? One time I was out with a friend, said friend had a few too many sherbets and got as merry as a merry go round. In a blind drunken state, said friend thought it would be a good idea to slap me right across the face, like some sort of bitch. In the morning, we settled our differences and passed it off as a mistake, as water under the bridge. This is because I realised that a little bit of pain never hurt anybody, and I forgave him. Now, if said friend had proceeded to blow me up when I was getting into a limo, I would not pass that off as water under the bridge and completely forget about it. You're a strange guy Vince.

"They lack any kind of criminal credibility. I might get laughed at."

Anyway, now that's out of the way allow me to introduce the suspects to you. I think you'll see that there are quite a few suspects who had some perfectly good motives, the conniving bastards. I will present a case on each suspect, examining their motives for blowing up Vince, and whether or not they had the capability to do so. I will then give both motive and capability a grade, a sort of summary if you will. Some of these lack criminal credibility, and I might get laughed at, but such is life. Without further delay, let me present you with the first suspect:

Jim Ross



"What was that? Armed? What do you mean armed? Armed with what?"
"Err, bad breath, colourful language, feather duster... what do you think they're gonna be armed with? Guns, you tit!"

Ah Good 'Ole J.R. A staple of not only the WWE's flagship show, but of the entire WWE for many years. He's had his ups and downs in the company over the years both on screen and off. J.R certainly has motive for his actions, he probably got sick of having to do stupid things like kiss McMahon's ring piece, or become the subject of Santina's affections, all in the name of entertainment. At times, the company has cursed him with shitty angles and at least one beat down per year in the past, and knowing Ross, he was probably reaching the end of his tether with McMahon. With Vince gone, Ross could be free to the one thing he's only ever wanted to do, call a match. However, did Ross have the capabilities to construct a bomb I hear you say? Would he not have armed himself with stupid items such as a feather duster instead? Well, I hear that barbecue sauce of his is pretty potent stuff, and explosions have been known to happen inside people upon consumption in the past, so a bomb using barbecue sauce as the main combustible element isn't so far-fetched, right?

Motive: 7/10
Capability: 8/10

The Rock



"Shotguns? What, like guns that fire shot?"
"Oh, you must be the brains of the operation. Yes, guns that fire shot."

One of the biggest stars the company has ever produced, and certainly one of the most successful in his post wrestling career, The Rock is an unlikely suspect in all of this. However, when you've done as much digging as I have, you realise that The Rock had more than a good enough motive to execute such a fiendish crime. You see, after Rocky left WWE to pursue his lesbianism... Wait, did I say lesbianism? I meant thespianism, if that's even a word. Anyway, after Rocky chose his acting career, Vinnie Mac just wouldn't leave him alone with his constant offers of special guest appearances on RAW. You can just imagine the scene, Dwayne is on the set filming his latest Hollywood blockbuster spectacular cinematic genius future Oscar winning potentially life changing movie, when his phone rings. It's McMahon, for the 108th time today.
"Rock it's me, your old pal Vince"
"Vince for fucksake, this is the 108th time you've called me today"
"Yeah I know, but we've got a huge RAW in your ninth favourite state of Kentucky next week, and I was wondering if you'd be interested in making a guest appearance."
"No! For the last time, I'm not interested in your product. I'm an actor now, and for chirstsake stop calling me"
Cue another twenty phone calls from McMahon that day, to the point where Rock realises that the only way he can get his phone back to being a functioning item again rather than just a device for telling Vince to shove it, is to blow him up. However, I'm not sure The Rock has the capability to build the necessary equipment to destroy a limo, unless he was the brains of the operation and utilised the services of our next suspect...

Motive: 6/10
Capability: 5/10

Rikishi



"You're not funny, Tom. You're fat, and look as though you should be, but you're not."

Yeah you can all quit with the funny looks, I know what I'm doing. On the surface, it may appear that fatty Rikishi has absolutely bugger all interest in blowing Vince to smithereens (homo or no homo) but as with the previous suspects, you have to look at the bigger picture. Rikishi's no stranger to the controversial angle involving near death experiences with automobiles, who could forget when he was revealed as the guy that ran down Austin all those years ago? Of course you may be wondering what sort of motive Rikishi had for committing such a terrible crime. Oh come on, he did it for The Rock of course. Frustrated with the lack of opportunities for Samoan wrestlers, Rikishi takes matters into his own hands. Rather than set up an equal opportunities program or head on over to standards and practices to file a complaint, Rikishi decides the better course of action is to blow up Vince's limo, with Vince in it. It could then be revealed that The Rock was the mastermind later on down the line, and that he hired Rikishi to do the dirty work. Rikishi has the motive, but does he have the capabilities to carry out such an act? Absolutely, you seen the size of the guy's ass? I bet one night of bad curry would be all it takes to completely obliterate a limo, as the gas that motherfucker would produce would be more flammable than carbon monoxide.

Motive: 8/10
Capability: 6/10

Katie Vick



"Your stupidity may be your one saving grace."

When the IWC were speculating that this storyline would eventually come back to haunt Vince McMahon, I'm sure they didn't envision it would be like this. Katie Vick is perhaps the subject of one of the worst storylines of all time, and I'm sure that must irk the young lady in question. Being booked as a woman who had sex with Kane, as well as whilst being dead, must be pretty humiliating. This leads me to think that Ms Vick would want revenge on Vince, going as far as attempted murder. The stupidity of the Katie Vick angle may well have turned out to be the WWE's saving grace, as it would've been quite something if after a long, drawn out investigation on television, Vince's mystery limo destroyer was revealed to be none other than Katie Vick. Cue a new character and loads of storyline opportunities with more twists and turns than a really big python. Katie Vick certainly has motive, but unfortunately, death has kind of got in the way here. I'm pretty sure WWE wouldn't want to do an Eastenders Dirty Den style not really dead after we said she was but now she's back type of storyline, so for consistency, we'll say that Katie Vick has absolutely no chance of being the one who blew up Vince McMahon.

Motive: 9/10
Capability: 0/10

Having examined the four suspects closely, I can deduce that none of them did it. Indeed, I have found the real culprit, and once I present the evidence you will be left in no doubt that it was this person. Ladies and gentlemen, Vince McMahon's mystery assassin was none other than...

Michelle McCool



"Rory? Yeah I know Rory. He's not to be underestimated, you've got to look past the hair and the cute, cuddly thing - it's all a deceptive facade."

"Hang on a second, what? Michelle McCool? You mean the current Women's Champ is responsible for Vince's Limo going bang?" As shocking as it may seem, that's exactly what I'm saying. You see, beneath McCool's all American girl appearance and her deceptive facade lies a truly vile and evil woman. She probably went to Vince beforehand and asked for a push, but was more than likely turned down on account of her being shit. Frustrated by a lack of opportunity, McCool proceeds to extract her revenge in the form of turning Vince's limo into a giant firework. Vince, upon realising that it was McCool who was responsible, becomes absolutely terrified of her, and gives her the biggest push of her entire career. Why do you think she's the first woman in history to hold both Womens' and Divas' championships? It's because Vince is petrified that he might step into an automobile with an explosive package hiding underneath, should he upset her again. I know what you're thinking, that McCool surely doesn't have the capability to build and construct an explosive device. Let me tell you this right now, she does. She's a former Science teacher for Christsake, so she definitely knows how to construct a bomb. For these reasons, I'm in no doubt as to who the culprit is. Michelle McCool, I sentence thee to a lifetime of fucking The Undertaker, something which I'm sure will be much more punishing and bad for your career than prison. Oh wait...

Motive: 10/10
Capability: 10/10

Fin.

"When you dance with the devil, you wait for the song to stop."

Put your party hats on and get that jelly down your necks kids, the celebratory number ten is posted and delivered to the masses. Damn, I never thought I'd even get to number two after I debuted, so getting to double figures is quite an achievement for me. As always, I'll be dropping back next week with another edition of QMH, but if you just can't wait that long until your next Freeman fix and want to dance with the devil again so to speak, then check out Coolio's Round The Table column, which I'm sure is coming out pretty soon. Not only am I in it, but there are many other superior columnists to be featured as well. As always, comments, praise, criticism, love letters, hate mail, job offers and suicide notes are all welcome, just tell me what you thought of it. Until next time though guys and girls, I'm out. However before I go, allow me to leave you with one final thought:

"If the milk turns out to be sour, I ain't the kinda pussy to drink it."

Cheers peeps,

Freeman.

[Martin Riggs]

Loved it, F-Man! This was cool, the Lock Stock quotes were gold and overall, the topic was interesting and different.

Top stuff!

[Andy]

Detective Freeman!

You delivered yet again and I must say that I was happier than ever to see you had posted. I needed a bit of laughter and fun after a shit day. Interesting pick with McCool being the mystery assasin; I would have thought it would have been Triple H, or one of Vince's offspring. Well done for getting to #10 and heres hoping the next ten are just as good as this one!

[Box Car Rocco]

Your are awesome. Nice little swerve at the end also. Congratulations on the big 1-0, keep up the great work.

[Super Chrisss]

I was sure it was JR! Or, Michael Cole, because why else does he still have a job?

Great stuff as always Freeman and how about quoting from 300 one day? Let me give you your first line - "This. Is. Spartaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

?

[Cult Icon]

you gonna have any quotes from rock n rolla ever? because that would be absolutely awesome. as for the column, another great effort and a very interesting concept. the only suspect you missed...paul london. how you missed the guy who smiled at vince right before the limo went up in flames is beyond me. im telling you, it was that guy lol. all joking aside, good job freeman and congrats on number 10. may you have 100 + more columns.

[Uncle Joe]

HA. All that was missing was a joke about McCool is skinny as all hell and can't wrestle worth a shit. Funny shit, but I hate British comedies, and movies...and tea n crumpets.

[Petre Dyche]

How the fuck did you find a really really hot picture of Michelle McCool!? You bastard! I would plough that til next Christmas if that turned up at my door. Damn you!

I think the real perp was none other than Chris Benoit! Angry at getting traded to ECW he took out his wrath on the owner of the company. When he realised that the truth was set to come out he went n did some nasty shit to his family so that Vince couldn't pin it on him, on grounds of it being wrong, or something. And that's how Chris Benoit got away from being labelled as a kayfabe murderer, something far more serious than actually being a murdering fuckhead.

Great stuff Freeman as always man. It's certainly the best storyline that never was.

[Freeman]

*ahem*

JB- F-Man? Lol! What's next "Teh F?" Thanks for your feedback though buddy.

Andy- Detective indeed! Glad I brightened up your day though man. Yeah, I originally thought Triple H or someone like that but it was too obvious, so I went for the swerve instead. Cheers for stopping by matey.

BCR- Not as awesome as you dude! Thanks for your feedback, and yeah as you can tell I'm pretty pleased on getting to double figures.

Chrisss- Shit, how could I forget Michael Cole? Damn it! 300 is noted dude, great first line as well! Thanks for your kind words bro.

Cult- That's a pretty good suggestion dude, I'll put it in the old stockpile. I was going down a more jokey route with this column, so hence why I left out London, he was too much of a serious option! Thanks for stopping by though dude.

Joe- Lol, should have put some more McCool jokes in there really, but never mind. However...

I hate British comedies, and movies...and tea n crumpets.

You disappoint me. Tea and crumpets in particular, is the best. Oh well, thanks for reading and feeding buddy.

Petre Dyche: Lol, I just googled her name and it came up. Yeah, despite my dislike for her, I still would! Lol @ Chris Benoit, I was going to include him, but thought better of it in the end. Agreed about it being the best storyline never though. Thanks for your comments matey.

[MyLeeCyrus]

Reeeally good stuff, mate. Loved it. However, I'd love to see you do it again, but bring up kayfabe perpetrators, and where WWE could've gone with the storylines.

But yeah. Well written, very funny and I liked it

[Freeman]

MyLee- Thanks dude, and yeah originally, this was going to be all about who I actually thought was responsible. However, as usual, I went down the silly route. Maybe I'll do something like this again in the future, glad you enjoyed it though, and thanks for the feedback.