The Boomerang Prophecies XV: Revamping the Avenues of Entertainment

[Martin Riggs]

THE BOOMERANG PROPHECIES XV: REVAMPING THE AVENUES OF ENTERTAINMENT

It’s the Columns Forum return of Johnny Boomerang! That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, once again here to cut, trim, shave or style your imagination with the scissors of creativity, the mousse of indulgence and the brush of sheer determination. But without any further barber-metaphor related ado, let’s commence!

I am a massive fan of Edge, so I was wrought with agony when he lost the title to a one Mr. Jeffrey Nero Hardy on Sunday. Distraught I was upon the continued shortness of Edge’s title reigns. When, I wondered, would he be able to have that all-important lengthy reign? It’s okay though, because in my ever-positive frame of mind, I’ve decided to compile a intricately detailed instruction guide for the Rated-R Superstar…

Johnny Boomerang’s Guide For Edge On How To Keep Your WWE Championship

• Step One: Win the WWE Championship

• Step Two: Successfully defend the WWE Championship

If you follow these two simple steps Mr. Copeland, I think you should have a successful and prolonged reign as the WWE Champion. Pay particular attention to step two, though, because that seems to be where you’re having the most trouble.

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I have a problem with the WWE. Apart from their in-ring product, they’re really unoriginal. Look at the clothing lines, the entertainment they produce, the options they choose for themselves are extremely limiting. That’s why I’ve taken it upon myself to offer a few suggestions to broaden various aspects of the WWE Universe. Essentially, I feel that the WWE is only catering to a certain group (this would be a demographic, Johnny, and it’s how they make money…) . Ah yes, mysterious voice, but perhaps there is money to be made in other, unexplored areas? Anyway there’s no harm in thinking aloud how they could change their clothing, merchandise or film industry, is there? But let’s start elsewhere, with a product the WWE has managed to make a profit from despite releasing pretty much the same thing for about four years now…

REVAMPING THE WWE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY PART ONE: VIDEOGAMES

You know, I was playing Goldeneye the other day (I really wasn’t, but it ties in with this paragraph, so I took a creative liberty) and I realised that the WWE are missing out on a trick with their ‘videogames’. Smackdown vs. Raw 2009, much alike to the 2008, 2007 etc etc versions is a wrestling game, where you get to control a wrestler and dominate all others, exchanging championships with friends and fighting strangers online. However, in my time off from watching wrestling, which, if I watched every programme, would be Saturday evenings and every other Sunday, do I really want to be playing a wrestling game as well? So I’ve wracked my brains (so to speak) and come up with a few ‘wrestling themed alternatives’ to Smackdown vs. Raw.


1. “GoldenRaw”

Picture it: A shoot-em-up with WWE characters! Imagine running through the Facility as CM Punk with your trusty KF7 Soviet in hand when all of a sudden up pops Randy Orton with the Golden Gun to fill your life with misery! Oh the wonders of a fatal four-way set in the Complex with a one-hit-kills stipulation! That’ll give a whole new meaning to the phrase ’last man standing’. Tag teams could become dominant through the power of numbers, manipulating superstars into carefully planned traps. More importantly, have you got a superstar you hate? You could suplex them off a ladder out of the ring ten times on Smackdown vs. Raw 2009, you could beat them until they’re bloody and immobile, winning a match by KO if you really want. OR you could shoot them in the head. Think about it.


2. GTA V: WWE

Liberty City? Pah! We’re talking all of America! Imagine controlling a wrestler in such a versatile and open environment as the ‘Grand Theft Auto’ series allows you! You can beat up fans, drive cars through cities and wreak havoc! Or, if you’re feeling dedicated, take on the story missions: Drive to your next city, get backstage, shoot the creative team, go out, entertain the fans and so on! You could travel to Wrestlemania and enter the arena as a fan, only to sit at the back and snipe Triple H just before he kicks out, thus screwing him in the title picture! The WWE is, to many, a place of mystery. Imagine uncovering a mafia-type system operating, then working to put yourself at the top. This would allow you to stick to storyline, yet at the same time grant you enough freedom that you feel as if you’re in control of what you do, something you don’t really get with the story modes on Smackdown vs. Raw. The world is your proverbial oyster, as they say, and this ‘sandbox’ style of game definitely adds value to that saying!


3. SimDown!

Not feeling the violence of my previous suggestions? Filled with the desire to raise a family? Love wrestling? I’ve got something for you! The Sims is a popular videogame system allowing you to deal with the trials and tribulations of raising and maintaining a family. Throw some of your favourite superstars in there, and imagine what you could accomplish! You’ve got to improve your skills by one ‘body’ point before you go to work if you want to get promoted to ‘Midcarder’! Perhaps you’re trying to make that affair a marriage? Flirting and kissing not enough, you’ve lured her to your bedroom, now it’s time for some Woohoo? How about this: You’ve just had a son, Jimmy Cena, and you want him to follow in his father’s footsteps. Teach him, train him, encourage him and then reap the rewards as he grows up to be the wrestler you’d dreamed of! The possibilities are endless, and it allows you to control aspects of your favourite wrestler that otherwise you’d not considered; for example how he dresses, or the adventures of his various relationships. The Sims is definitely a style useful for connecting with a wrestler in an alternate way.


4. Age of Extreme Empires

Perhaps I’m looking at it from the wrong angle. Maybe we (as the consumer) don’t want to be a particular wrestler. Maybe instead we want to control the entire WWE! Age of Empires allowed a player to create a civilisation, and then gain control of a territory. Okay, so you’ve built your corporate headquarters, now establish a training centre and a gymnasium before you can train your superstars. Create some special Main Eventers, quickly, because TNA is coming to attack! Imagine growing and expanding your Empire, taking over others and accumulating their superstars and incorporating them into your battle plans. This style is similar (I believe) to such games as SimCity and World of Warcraft, so if either of them ‘float your boat’ then take that into consideration. Either way, controlling the entire WWE is an awesome thought.


5. (World Heavyweight) Championship Manager

Controlling the WWE as an empire is cool, but how about the business side of strategy? This is actually the closest Smackdown vs. Raw came to a different style of game, with the ‘GM Mode’ they offered a few years ago. This allowed players (either one or two of you) to select the superstars you wanted for your brand and book them accordingly. While this was fun, I’m sure an entire game dedicated to it would allow you further access into the world of contract negotiations, pay-per-views, even Indy scouting sessions, trying to find the next champion for your brand before anyone else does. A managerial game, much like ‘Empires’ game, opens up new ways for you to control the WWE, and, knowing how much people love to book matches and work out the best storylines and feuds, this is a must-have for most of us! There could even be a feature where you write promos for certain segments, or state how long a segment should last. You think creative suck? Think you can do a better job? Prove it!


Am I a genius? No, I failed the MENSA test, but I do think that at least some of these ideas are marketable. Of course, there may be a few lawsuits involved if they are titled as such, but that’s the least of my worries. The biggest would be that the WWE would see this column and take inspiration from it, but in the wrong way, branching out to WWE: Racing or WWE: Bowling. Yeah, that’s right, those are my biggest worries. Tough life, eh? You know what? I think it’s time to wrap up this edition before my ‘worries’ lead me off on a tangent… From the top of Mount EverBoom, I’m Johnny Boomerang. Good night. Sleep tight, and don’t let the main-event bedbugs bite!

[Cult Icon]

j-boom, i am so glad that you have retained your awesomeness in my absence. just unbelievably good work as usual, and i especially love the idea of a wwe management game, id go out and buy it now if they actually made it. glad to see you still have the mojo. read you soon

[Freeman]

That management game would be freakin' awesome! And thanks for the Goldeneye nostalgia Mr. Boom, that really was a great game.

Overall an entertaining column, and a great idea. I don't know how you manage to pull these ideas off, so hats off to you sir.

Oh and I too failed the MENSA test with a pathetic score of 11/30.

Top stuff again Boomer, looking forward to the next one.

[Stryder]

Awesome stuff Johnny, my favourite was the GTA:WWE, that is a game I would like to play! The concept was new and inventive and you did well to find five different games that can be tweaked to involve a WWE theme.

“you could beat them until they’re bloody and immobile, winning a match by KO if you really want. OR you could shoot them in the head. Think about it.”

I loved that line, great stuff sir ill read you next time.

[MyLeeCyrus]

Well, you've done it again sir.

"Time to go upstairs for some WooHoo?" Love it.

All good ideas, and I look forward to seeing you produce the finished articles by Friday.

[Scotty_Boy]

Johnny, this is the first column of yours I've had the pleasure to feedback to, and this is an amazing column. Loved every single minute of it, even more so because I happen to be a huge video game fan.

I look forward to your next edition.

[Leonard]

Loved it, Johnny. Loads of creativity, and the ideas aren't really that much of a stretch. I was majorly pissed when they took General Manager Mode out of the last SmackDown! game, so I would love to see a Championship Manager-type game. Let's not forget your advice to one Adam Copeland. Great stuff, friend. I look forward to your next one.

--Leonard

EDIT: I seem to remember a Metal Gear-type game called Crush Hour featuring WWE superstars...absolultely terrible. WWE Bowling might be around the corner sooner than we think ("...and the Legend Killer picks up a 7-10 split! My Gawd!").

[Box Car Rocco]

Abosolutely boomerific. This is easily my favourite column of yours and that's saying something, just a whole lot of fun and very creative. The best idea is probably GTA WWE, there's so many possibilities like being the owner of a company going from an indy to TNA to the WWE or a superstar cheating his way to get the top through taking out other wrestlers and such.

[ca$hmoney]

J-Boom,

This was another incredibley creative column from you. Anyone of those games would be awesome to play, too bad they probably won't ever happen though.

Read you next time.

[Jason Boy]

, the idea was so simple but yet came out in a wonderful column. You are very talented and this column proved that. While I have enjoyed all of you other columns this was by far the best. BTW there is a game like the championship manager in fact there are a bunch (my 3 favorite) (in preference order)

• Extreme Warfare Revenge by Adam Ryland (Free) (Version 4.2)
• 5GWS by Black Dragon UK (FREE)
• Promotion Wars

and your list reminded me of something Santino Marella Brothers (I am not kidding as there is a game. To sum it all up great job

[TheLipBomb]

Man, boom. I hate you. You're too good.


Kidding aside, I thought this was great especially since I spent countless hours on many of the games you mentioned. Keep it up dude.


I guess John Cena has Juggernuat and Triple H has all he 1-UPs. And if you do steroids those must be cheats...lol.

[Kano]

Is all that comes to mind, well done mate, quite easily my favourtie columnist on the forums. Well done

[MissouriDragon]

^What kind of music do you like?

[The Maz]

J-Boom does it again... Awesome. Unlike a lot of peeps around CF, I didn't start out posting columns and one of the first threads I created a "create your own WWE game" thread where I came up with my own WWE/Champ man hybrid. Now however I prefer the WWEGTA idea. Oh and your Edge section was full of win.

[Martin Riggs]

Alright let's do this.

Cult! I've missed you so! Endless enthusiasm is always appreciated, thanks for stopping by buddy.

Freeman, I do love me a bit of Goldeneye. And yeah, the management game would rock the socks. thank you for reading!

Stryder: Yeah, i just think it'd be a really great concept, albeit a hell of a bitch to find time to make! Thanks!

MyLee, ta, the games will be hitting shelves by Xmas...

Scotty Boy, it's nice to meet you then! Thank you for taking time to drop some freedback, and i can assure you, no-one looks forward to the next edition more than me!

Lenoard, I'm rethinking this bowling idea, and it's starting to grow on me... Thanks for the feedback, i tried to choose stuff that was plausable yet inventive. Success, apparently!

BCR, the hardest part about writing this column was not drifting off when i was writing about the games, as they're all fun to think about. Ta for the feedback

Ca$hmoney, all too true, my friend. That's the most upsetting part, as well, that we won't get to see any of these games. Alas, thanks for dropping some feedback though.

Jason Boy, well well, live and learn eh? Thanks for the feeback dude

Lippy, i like the idea, i can just imagine running round then finding a blue steroid pill, picking it up and suddenly you're superpowerful! But you get caught and then it's game over. Hmm... Cheers for feeding

Kano (now with added EPW), Thanks bro, that means a lot to me.

The LoPper, erm, no, i don't believe i've ever been on the main page, you'd think i would've noticed if i did... but still, thanks for the feedback. Katie Lea FTW, just ask Stinger.

Dragon, who, me? or ^ that guy?

Maz, thanks bro. either game would be all flavours of fantastic, so it's win-win! And the Edge advice was the best way i thought of summing up my feelings for him without being moody and rant-like. Silly Edge!

[Andy]

Hey Johnny. Withot a doubt, this was really fun!

I especially like the Age of Extreme Empires, and (World Heavyweight) Championship Manager. If these games were out I would never be off the computer.

And boy do I wish that Edge would follow your instruction guide. Anyway, I''ll read you next time.

[Mister E]

not much more I can add to this thread that hasn't been said alread. Very entertaining as always j-boom, expecially like the Age of empires and the idea of TNA coming to attack. Great work!

[Roger Murtaugh]

It's scary sometimes at how you manage to churn out these ideas.

A first person shooter featuring WWE, characters? I'm all aboard.

Throw in some Nazis, some disfigured mutants, and some overly complex weapons and it's on.

Awesome work as always JB.

[sir sam]

I'd be a massive fan of either GTA: WWE or World Championship Manager.

Think of the possibilities:
having Triple H ob to Hornswoggle
installing Santino as RAW GM
WC runs for Kendrick and The Miz

love it.

[James_A]

Wait, if you write a guide to keep the WWE title, aren't you automatically assuming that the reader in question has already won it?

Nevertheless, this column was full of win. I can see the possibilities now: Wrestling Tycoon, McMahonpoly, Leisure Suit Luger, Womb Raider (AKA How to sleep your way to a title in which the only playable characters are HHH and Michelle McCool.) Yeah I'd be willing to spend an afternoon playing those games. Also, on GoldenRAW, are you thinking about switching the skin for Oddball to Hornswoggle? For shame...

Alright I think I'm seeing things so I'm going to wrap this up. Great job Johnny, keep up the creativity essay holmes!

[Martin Riggs]

Andy, you and me both, buddy. That Edge, eh? And i'm kind of glad these games don't exist, for that very reason. I need to maintain my social life!

Eoghan, well it's the only time TNA are going to be of any real threat, anyway! Thanks for reading buddy

Monk, sounds like a hybrid of Wolfenstein 3D and Resident Evil! I'm definitely in! YOU think it's scary? Imagine how I feel! Thanks for reading, as always!

Sir Sam, i love where your head is at. There's a bright future for you!

Jimmy, ah, but my guide was specific for Edge, and he doesn't have the title at the moment. Remember that, Jimmy, it might be different by tonight... this IS Edge we're talking about. And i love how you're thinking. There's endless ideas for Wrestling themes. Although, no. Oddjob won't be Hornswoggle. That'd be silly! He'd be someone else instead. Big Dick Johnson, maybe?

[Super Chrisss]

Let's see. I love wrestling, I love video games, I LOVE(d) Goldeneye, and I love Johnny Boomerang (no homo!).

Perfect length, and well-written. Email this to THQ and we're in business!

Nicely done, my friend.

[L-Man]

I love you