Night Rising: Not Another Kane Column

[Roger Murtaugh]

Hey there you sexy fucking beasts, tis I SkipofDay here to remind everyone just how awesomely awesome redundancy can be. While some of my esteemed colleagues may be out there to steal your heart, I'm more content with stealing your columns. As my 33rd favorite wrestler of all time would say "that's how I roll." Don't get all pissy now kids, that's a quote rather than a work of plagiarism. There's a difference. You see, I wasn't stealing columns per say. No, I was simply quoting them. Luckily even though I'm banned my spirit will live on through the ripped body of Skip. Thanks buddy, you're one in a million.

The Best of the Worst of Kane Glen Jacobs.....Take Two

First off, I know what you are thinking. "Didn't this guy just get banned for this column?" Very true, so instead of making the same mistake twice I've decided to "quote" somebody else this time...me. You see, by plagiarizing myself nobody will ever notice the difference. Truly genius mindset in action here, and I know you all are jealous. With that in mind, let's give this bad boy another shot. At the very least pretend to be entertained and leave me a comment justifying my self-indulgent behavior. In no particular order, here we go:

#10 Rape Is No Laughing Matter (Unless it Happens to Lita)

Many people remember the greatness that was "It wasn't my fault." You'd be lying if you didn't laugh at Gene Snitsky punting a baby into the crowd after wheeling the carriage down to the ring. Of course what most people choose not to focus on is how the whole thing came together. Sure Gene Snitsky caused Lita to have a miscarriage, that much may be clear but how did Lita get pregnant in the first place? More or less Kane became obsessed with Lita and realizing that his time was coming to an end and he had to keep his legacy going, he did the only thing he knew how to. He raped the shit out of Lita and got her pregnant with his kid. Honestly it's a pretty good power play on his part and Kane was making her fire burn way before Edge decided to make her rated "R".

Though the whole rape thing does bring up one good point. Maybe Triple H wasn't lying about Katie Vick. That sick fuck.

#9 Nothing Says Badass Like a Dentist

So Jerry Lawler was in the middle of getting owned by Bret Hart in the middle of their feud. The only logical solution to his problem was to hire the services of his huge dentist Isaac Yankem (I. Yankem, LOL) who had a busted grill but with the gimmick of a wrestling dentist was obviously destined to do big things. Of course by big things I mean mostly jobbing other than to jobbers themselves and not even lasting a full year with the gimmick. To his credit it was at least better than the Christmas Creature. My question was, whose dick was Glen sucking to keep a job at this point. I mean how many failed gimmicks does one guy get.

#8 Kane "Kills" Rey Mysterio and By Kill I Mean Gets His Ass Kicked By

After weeks of speculation and seeing Kane carrying around a bag, it was heavily rumored that Kane was going to bring back his old mask and go back to his ass kicking ways. What actually happened was 100 times cooler though. Instead of his own mask, he had been carrying around the mask of Rey Mysterio. You see, apparently Kane had beat up the little guy, raped the shit out of him, and then stole his mask as token of his sexual conquest. Unfortunately the Big Red Machine had never seen "Sometimes They Come Back" and Rey would come back and return the favor, prison style. The moral of the story is murder before rape, otherwise you are asking for trouble.

#7 Kane + Kelly Kelly = Rape?

Again, Kane loves the women just as much as he loves the rape. Perhaps being left sexually unsatisfied by Rey Rey Kane had no choice but to pursue other interests. This would lead him to abducting Kelly Kelly and doing a lot of heavy breathing in her ear. Luckily, Kane decided to do the smart thing and try and attack the subject of her attention before the rape occurred this time, that way nobody would be able to stop his demon seed from being born. Quite tragically, after a couple of weeks of being sent down the wrong path it was finally revealed that Randy Orton was the object of her affection and Kane challenged him to a match. Realizing he was no match for the "legend killer" and understanding that he couldn't deal with the possibility of someone shitting in his bag, he decided to drop the whole thing and move on

#6 Kane's Huge Penis

While this may just be a rumor, who cares it never failed to make me laugh. When Kane landed the role in WWE films' "See No Evil" he had to be pretty happy to get a chance to work on his acting chops, even in a horror film. Not only was it a good show of faith, but you had to figure a push would be in the works. What he didn't expect though was Vince McMahon's bizarre pitch for an idea in the movie. As the story goes, Vince wanted a scene where Kane's character would be masturbating, while that was a little weird in it's own right it really isn't that bizarre in the context of horror films today. What made the request stranger though was the fact that he wanted Kane to have a 14 inch penis. Who needs a murder weapon when you can stab people with your dick?

#5 Kane Loses Inferno Match

This is kind of like walking into a bar and walking up to the biggest and baddest dude there, asking them to step outside and then getting your ass kicked. The match in itself was silly as all hell, seeing as no one that isn't a backyard wrestler named Wild Kid Genocide would ever actually set themselves on fire. Therefore we had to settle for Kane losing via mini arm fire. Which of course was the equivalent of having a first blood match stopped via paper cut.


On a somewhat related note, did anybody ever play the ECW game that had the Inferno Match? Now that was a fucking Inferno match, the ring was surrounded by molten lava. That extreme enough for you. I can't even tell you how many times I through poor old Dusty Rhodes into the lava and watched him melt away with Steve Corino. Never has there been a more satisfying experience.

#4 King for a Day, Fool For A Lifetime.

Props to those who get the reference without looking. You know who you are, it's all about the Gentle Are of Making Enemies. Speaking of making enemies, what better way to do so then to end somebody's title reign. Well at the 1998 King of the Ring event that is exactly what Kane did to the biggest face on the planet in Stone Cold Steve Austin. Unfortunately before Kanamania could run wild it ran into a brick wall known simply as "the rematch clause". Just like that an ass kicking like no other was laid on the Big Red Machine, and he was doomed to have a shorten title reign than even David Arquette.

#3 Suck My Fucking Cock You Piece of Shit Whore

One of the things that made Kane a badass, was the fact that he hardly ever spoke and when he finally did it was with the help of a voice box. Furthermore he only reserved talking for really intense moments, think of it as Kane's "Rest in Peace" line. So nothing was better when Kane joined DX and uttered the groups infamous tagline "Suck It." This I think is when his fetish for rape developed, as saying the line "suck it" truly must have awakened a sexual beast within him. As the pieces started coming together and he slowly realized that his scars were merely mental ones rather than physical, it was just a matter of time before somebody got sodomized. First things first though, dude simply wanted a bj.

#2 The Christmas Creature?

While I might not know jack shit about this gimmick I've seen picks and know the name. Back in his early days, Glen Jacobs aka Kane would wrestle under a name I brought up earlier in this column. That name would be the Christmas creature. I couldn't possibly tell you a single story line, but I can tell you that the guy looked like a giant wrestling Christmas tree. I would have loved to sit in on that discussion. "Hey Glen, I got this idea. You are going to be a giant wrestling Christmas tree. The best part and the selling point of the whole thing, we'll call you The Christmas Creature." To this day I believe that the Dungeon of Doom stable was simply one Christmas Creature away from destroying Hulkamania. That's the way things go sometimes though.

#1 "I Screwed Her Brains Out"

Yeah, I'm cheating a little but that's because I have to agree. If this list has taught us anything at all, it's that he likes to rape and pillage like a viking. So it's only natural that he dabbles a bit in murder as well. The only logical thing left would be to combine the two and meet in the middle. Kill a chick and rape her corpse, sounds like something straight off the "Tomb of the Mutilated" album. The best part of this bit though came via Triple H dressing up as Kane and dry humping a mannequin before pulling hamburger meat out of the coffin. He literally screwed her brains out, boy I miss those days.

The Dark Review: A Totally Made Up Card That I Never Had Using the Roster From WWF: Steel Cage Challenge On NES

I'd love to tell you that I simulated this card but yeah, I steal columns, you actually think I'm gonna take the time to simulate anything. I do however assure you that this is in fact the roster of WWF Steel Cage Challenge.

Rowdy Roddy Piper Vs I.R.S

For this one I decided to take the underdog, I.R.S. The action starts with a vicious kick by me. Followed by another kick. Piper gets up only to get body slammed. Stomp by me, followed by a stomp, another stomp, yet another stomp. Piper is up again and I hit him with a flying clothesline. Kick out at 1. I hit a headbutt, follow it with a stomp, and another stomp, finally one more stomp. 1-2-3.

WINNER: I.R.S.

Bret Hart Vs The Mountie

Even though every wrestler has the exact same moveset, there is simply no denying just how crisp and awesome Bret Hart's movements are. Naturally I had to pick him for this one. The match kicks off with a body slam by the Mountie. 1-2-3

WINNER: The Mountie

WTF, oh shit my controller wasn't plugged up.

Ted Dibiase Vs Sid Justice

This time I made sure the controller was secure before playing and was out to redeem myself. I decided I needed to put a hurting on Sid Justice and give the Million Dollar Man the push he so desperately deserves. The action starts with a flying clothesline from Justice, which catches me off guard. He follows it up with a stomp before a regain my bearings and hit him with a body slam. Once down I go for an elbow drop, but that cunning Justice just isn't having any of it. We exchange a series of kicks and headbutts before I hit Justice with a body slam of my own. I go to the top rope for the elbow drop....DENIED as Justice rolls out of the way. Talk about a cunning technician. No, surely Sid isn't going to the top rope. Well I'll be damned, much like me he catches nothing but mat as I was actually standing before he jumped. Guess Sid never learned his lesson from that ankle breaking incident. 1-2-3.

WINNER: Ted Dibiase.

The Undertaker Vs Jake Roberts

Business is about to pick up with this one, and I'd be a fool not to take the Undertaker. Learning from me mistake I start the match off running at Roberts like a madman and stop right in front of him and kick him in the gut. In fact more people need to make use of the running kick to the gut, a truly devastating move that you can't prepare for. Back to the action I'm continuing to exploit the move that Roberts can't defend, keeping the kicks coming. Finally he gets to his feet, only to be slammed back to the mat. Truly devastating action that is sure to cut someone's career short. I finally decide to show some mercy after what seemed like 5 minutes of continuous stomps and ended this thing via standing elbow drop. Truly epic.

WINNER: The Undertaker

Hulk Hogan Vs Randy Savage (Steel Cage)

Time for the main event, and being a big Savage fan I had to take him on my quest to end Hulkamania once and for all. The match begins with an epic stare down, nobody wants to make the first move we each just want to bask in the glory. Then I realize that the game has locked up. Got to love old technology. As I restart the game and the match the action gets under way with me hitting a headbutt followed by a punch, kick to the guy combo. These guys never manage to block the kick to the gut. Gaining a distinct advantage I hit three body slams in a row to show my dominance. I decide to end this with my now patented running kick to the gut, only I miss and Hogan whips me off the ropes. HOLY FUCKING SHIT, he hit a powerslam as I rebounded off the ropes. Sensing this thing is over Hogan climbs the cage and gets to the top. WTF, so you don't even have to escape to win? What if I was about to shoot up and catch him at the last second? Talk about lack of drama.

WINNER: Hulk Hogan

Well it's been fun but that's going to do it for this edition. Before I go though I'd like to give a big shout out to NightofDay, your loss is my gain. Consider your column name and gimmick officially stolen. Somebody had to go there, and it might as well be me. What? So I should just let the purple text and image go to waste? Fuck that noise. Until next time poopsies.


-Skip Rogers

[SkittleZ]

Oh it doesn't get much better than this.

Kind of regretting not stealing the idea from Monkey when I had the chance.

The comedy on display here was top notch and the review literally made me spit Vitamin Water out of my mouth once or twice.

This is CotM material. Who knew Skip had it in him!?

[Creeping Death]

Thank God I wasn't drinking anything. I, too, would have spat it out. Great work here Dr.Cock/Skip.

[Martin Riggs]

Nice one, DayofNight. You're a funny person. Well, someone else is a funny person, but you captured their comedy perfectly!

[TheLipBomb]

Wait, Nod was banned?


Nice work, Doc.

[Blackwell]

[Tony Starx]

DAmnit...

this was great. I still laugh at the fact Vinnie wanted Kane to have a huge wang a dang dang.

[Petre Dyche]

Well spank my ass and call me Big Stevie Cool...we gots a real life ID thief on the loose!

Screw it, I ain't complaining, it was awesome. Made me spit out my cheerios it did.

[The Maz]

Words wont do this justice, neither will those smilies.

Pussy is the only way to go here -

[Mavsman]

Originally Posted by SkittleZ

The comedy on display here was top notch and the review literally made me spit Vitamin Water out of my mouth once or twice.

I didn't have anything in my mouth and I still did a spit take.

Freaking hilarious, great idea, and a job well done.

[Freeman]

I know everyone else has already said it, but this was hilarious. Absolutely awesome job and it only makes me wish I'd come up with it.

[Super Chrisss]

Funny shit right here. Literally. Hahaha I, Yankem. Genius.

You sir can write a hilarious and entertaining column so good for you. Did you get banned for raping someone?

[Zuma]

fucking genius. cockmilkalicious even.

Thank you.

[Roger Murtaugh]

Skitz - Well considering that Skip has no soul or conscience to speak of, it's hard to say what the guy is capable of. Damn storm almost made me drop this idea, guess it's a good idea that I decided to stick with it.

CD - At least we were able to avoid a choking hazard, safety first.

JB - Indeed, I captured comedy and raped it in front of it's own mother.

Lippy - Banned In the US of A.

Blackwell - I try

Tony - I'm glad someone else remembered that, otherwise I'd look pretty creepy right now.

PD - Howdy Big Stevie Cool.

Mazza - That's one wild pussy you got there

Mavs - At least you didn't swallow.

Freeman - Feel free to steal it, I guess that's kind of the theme.

Super Chrisss - Banned for raping? Eventually.

Zuma - West coast times kind of suck, lack of late night convos are killing me in the "Zuma joke" department.

[James_A]

Damn Skippy! This was an awesomely hilarious idea that made me rofl my food right out of my mouth. Terrific. Awesome. Stunning. Words can't describe it SkipCock.

[Stryder]

This was genuinely one of the funniest pieces I have read, just awesome. Now having been away for around 2 weeks I’m not sure what’s going with the whole NoD situation so if someone could fill me in that would be cool oh and..

“WTF, oh shit my controller wasn't plugged up” fucking priceless my friend.