(US vs UK) The Knight's Report # 11 - Perspective (Get Some)

[BeyondKnight]

Greetings and salutations Nation! It’s time for more awesomely sensational journalism, straight from my mind to your mind. Let’s get this epic mind-meld started!

Tonight we are coming to you live and on location! We are in the illustrious home of the astounding Pittsburgh Penguins. And a home to some of the greatest WWE moments we have ever witnessed. This is the Mellon Arena! This is Smackdown!



What a glorious evening it is! There is nothing more than your friendly neighborhood BK loves more than to get out amongst the Nation. Tonight we are bringing you live breaking coverage on what everyone and their brother is hailing as the prime new destination in the WWE-

Honey, who are you talking to?

Sweetheart, I told you. I am doing The Report live tonight.

Please tell me you aren’t seriously planning on narrating to the imaginary audience in your head for the entire night!

Nation, allow me to introduce to you our very special co-host for this very special edition of The Report, my very special spouse, and soon to be second time mother, Wife of BK!

Wife of BK? You have a degree in English and that’s the most creative thing you can come up with?

Mrs. Knight?

I don't think I can handle you like this all night long. Can you please just be normal?

Normal? Honey, this is The Knight’s Report! People don't want normal me, they want their Beacon of Knowledge and Righteousness!

Well I want my husband for the night.

But the show has already started? Didn’t you see the opening? The big blue banner? And you heard the theme music?

I heard you humming to yourself.

Fine, forget the live coverage. We’ll watch the show and have a good time, no cameras. Afterwards I’ll introduce you to that kid I told you about. But we will do a live wrap-up. Deal?

Deal.

All right Nation, change of plans. This is live TV after all.

You know aren't really on TV right. Even when you publish your column, if you ever get around to it, it doesn't actually make you famous.

Let's just go find our seats ok? Good Night Nation! For a little while at least!

while at least

*Static*

Fuck this shit and fuck all of you. No, I am not BK or whatever that chump calls himself. I am here because my idiot cousin Mark somehow got us involved with that loser and his fucking internet column. And I am not going to let that little pain in the ass run his fucking mouth when he doesn’t know what the fuck he is talking about. So while Dad and Mark finish their interviews for that fat fuck, I am stuck here. So prepare yourselves, because for the first time ever this piece of shit is going to be worth reading. I am Bobby, I am real wrestling fan and I going to tell you “What’s up!” And fuck R-Truth too. I can’t believe he left TNA where he was a goddamned World Champion to come here and be a fucking minstrel act.

Seriously, I don’t even know why I bothered coming here tonight. It was bad enough last time when we came for Raw and it was the fucking Cena show. Now it’s the fucking Jeff Hardy show. I don’t know which is fucking worse. It’s the same dumb bitches from my school screaming for both them. I fucking can’t stand when they find out I watch wrestling because they always ask me, “Do you like John Cena?” Fuck John Cena. And fuck these stupid cunts who think they are fans but are just dumb cunts that don’t know anything. I wouldn’t fuck them even if they begged me. I am done with that shit. I dropped that last bitch I was seeing because she cheers for those douche bags. That bitch was probably here tonight too…

WWE has been shit for like the past 4 years anyway. Even when they look like they are going to do something right, they fuck it up. Vince doesn’t know shit about wrestling anymore.

And for Christ sakes, shut that fucking music off! This is what Hell is going to be like. Being surrounded by thousands of fucking kids with Super-Cena’s theme on a god-damned loop! How long are those fucktards going to celebrate? It was a fucking dark match, it doesn’t fucking count. This is Smackdown for fuck’s sake, why did they even bother having Batista and Cena in a dark main event? This company has become a fucking joke! At least Randy Orton fucking showed up even if he had to be dragged down by those two assholes. There was a Rated-RKO reunion tonight and they didn’t even announce them as a team! They were the fucking best team the WWE has ever seen, and all this company ever does is shit all over them.

Look at fucking Wrestlemania! Orton gets fucking buried by Triple H again and Edge loses his title in a fucking triple threat after having it for a month. Those two are the best this company has but it’s because of all these damned kids and their fucking John Cena tee-shirts that neither one of them will get a proper reign as champion. Orton should be dominating the main event but Triple H will never let him get bigger than he is. I mean, he won’t even show up now that Orton is champion because he doesn’t want to have to look weak. It’s such bullshit. But he’s the one that gives it to Stephanie’s ass and the rest of us have to fucking suffer. I mean look at the shit I had to sit through tonight!

I am forced to sit through Jeff’s Hardy’s fucking entrance 3 fucking times! Fucking half of this 4 hour shit-fest of a show was Jeff Hardy coming out and the fucking pops from these idiots. I am so sick of listening to these fucking cunts lose their shit over that fucking mo. I hope someone takes him out and gets him all meth’d out so he can fucking fail his last drug test and be fucking gone for good. Although he’d probably just wind up in TNA again, but at least there he’d be treated like the cumstain he is. It was bullshit that he made Edge look weak on his own fucking talk show when we all know Edge will fucking beat his ass, but him beating Jericho was fucking ridiculous. Jericho, Orton and Edge are the only fucking good things left in this company now.

I mean they took fucking Morrison and Miz and split them up? What the fuck was Vince thinking? Those two were fucking heat magnets and Vince splits them up because of his vendetta against tag team wrestling. That’s probably because of Triple H too. No team can ever be more popular than DX or Hunter throws a hissy fit to Daddy and gets them split. I used to think Morrison was going to be the breakout but it seems like they are going to pussify him and turn him face. It’s this retarded kind of shit that keeps making WWE fucking pathetic.

Why can’t everyone just be fucking bad-asses like they used to be? No more of this bullshit catering to children and bitches. Get rid of Hunter, Boretista, that fag HBK, the Mexi-midget and kill Cena. And fuck Kofi Kingston, stupid smiling homo. Get rid of his ass. Then you turn fucking CM Punk, turn John Morrison back to awesome, and stop holding back Santino. He could be a heavyweight champion if they didn’t stick him with the fucking women. And make Kane a fucking crazy monster again! How hard would that fucking be? The WWE would be awesome again! But Vince doesn’t know how to do anything fucking right so we are forced to deal with this shit.

I mean look how we fucked up ECW. Christian is being a total pussy. I don’t see why they don’t just fucking put him with Edge on Smackdown. He deserves better than fucking around on ECW. Christian is fucking golden and if Vince would get his head out of his ass he’d realize that he can be bigger than fucking Cena and Jeff Hardy. Edge, Orton and Christian in a fucking mega-stable that would fucking rule. I’m sure Triple H wouldn’t allow it to happen though. God I fucking hate him.

Look around this fucking place, there are kids everywhere! The WWE shouldn’t be fucking kindergarten! This place used to mean something! Foley went off and through Hell in a Cell in this building, and look at the shit it has become. I remember when it was real fans that came to the shows. Seriously, unless things turn around it’s going to be WW Disney! Hell, most real wrestling fans would be embarrassed to be seen around this place now. I know I am! All I wanted was to see Orton and Edge dominate Cena and Batista to show these fucking kids what’s what around here. How awesome would that have been, seeing them start to fucking cry when their heroes get destroyed in front of them?

None of them know anything about real wrestling. Wrestling has become a fucking popularity contest. Cena wouldn’t be anything it if wasn’t for his stupid fucking fans. They are fucking marks and they don’t even fucking know enough to know that they are fucking marks! And they are ruining everything for the smarks. The smarks fucking built this company and this is how the WWE repays our loyalty, shoving Cena and that fucking emo twat Jeff Hardy down our throats? Fuck that noise. TNA at least knows what real fans care about and doesn’t fucking force feed them their lame shit. I couldn’t even get a fucking Angle chant going in here tonight! Fucking dumbass WWE fans that won’t even chant for Kurt Angle in fucking Pittsburgh. Instead they’d rather cheer for the fucking Penguins and that crybaby Sidney Crosby. I fucking hate this city. I can’t wait till Ovechkin fucking demolishes Sid and that Russian fuck Malkin. If they win there truly is no justice in this fucking world.

God, I can’t wait to see what happens when that prick finds out I have ruined his stupid fucking show. I mean I am in the IWC, but at least I am not like this fucking loser. What kind of fucking queer copies The Colbert Report and tries to get himself over by getting people to call Randy Orton fucking Fred! And his fucking Interns! They are so fucking stupid they didn’t even notice me steal his broadcasting equipment-

I think that’s about enough.

Oh well look who it is, it’s the fat fuck himself! Did you take the time out from cheering fucking Cena and listening to my retarded fuckwad of a cousin babble into his faggy diary?

Nation, I apologize for this interruption. Interns, cut the feed please.

Oh you can’t shut me up now you fag. I am going to show each and every one of your pathetic fans that you are just some fat fuck in a Pens jersey that doesn’t know fucking shit about –

*Static*

Nation, I'm afraid we've had a little bit of a situation develop here. While we here at The Report don't condone violence as a problem solving solution, sometimes you've got to do what you've got to do. All I wanted was a nice night out with my wife and to do a little promotion for the show. Interns, see if we can salvage this mess. Roll it!


5/6/2009

Hey. I know it’s been a while since I’ve written an entry but stuff has gotten away from me. I had an awesome time at the Smackdown show last night. I don’t think Bobby can say the same thing. Uncle John says that after what he said to BK’s wife, Bobby deserved everything he got. At least now when Bobby calls me gay I can tell him how a woman dropped him and broke his nose in one punch. Wife of BK has a nasty right hook. I guess calling a pregnant woman Monstro the Whale never is a good idea....

BK said that I am welcome to come on and be a guest on The Knight’s Report whenever I want. Oh and John Cena and Batista kicked Edge and Orton’s ass. It was an awesome night. I’ll write more soon I promise. Later!

Mark

[cicero]

I loved the initial departure into mad vulgar ranting but found myself just a little tired by the end of it. Very good column, maybe a little long though.

[Degenerate]

Wait... Is 'Plan your wife?????

[Brilliant]

I felt Bobby spoke too well for such a potty mouthed punk. Perhaps he should have been a bit more venomous too. Good stuff either way.

[Martin Riggs]

This was good, but as has been mentioned i felt the rant went on for a little too long. Otherwise this was a fairly solid column. You definitely have your column style down to a tee.

[sir sam]

Sometimes an unadulterated rant is perfect. I laughed like some evil maniac when you suggested watching kids crying after Rated RKO destroy their heros.

i don't necessarily agree with it all but gotta say it....

Love your work.

[Vikodin]

Well you definitely nailed the rant style pretty well so props for that. That's it really nice effort I guess. Read you next time

[The Maz]

I am going to pretend that this is not part of the UK-US battle.

I love it when you post a column and this had all the usual fun stuff and I really like the structure. I do think maybe Bobby's rant was a little too long and I think the column as a whole would have been better served with a bit more Mark and a little less Bobby. Very fun though. Oh, and tell Mark I may give him a call in the near future.

[Coolio]

good column, and nice set up to. Like others have said the rant might of been a little long, but it was still enjoyable. Good luck on making the team, and read you next time.

[Box Car Rocco]

I loved Marks version better but this was completely different so it's kind of unfair to compare. I love these columns from you and do hope they return more often.

[MyLeeCyrus]

Wow, you got some venom in you, boy!

I liked it, with the exception of the f-word, which loses its impact when its used that much; that being said, I did think it fit the character you were inventing, so touché.

[XanMan]

BK, Is it just me or is everybody kind of missing the point? I don't think this was a straight rant, I think it was more of a parody. It seems to me that a lot of people in the IWC are dissatisfied with WWE's product because we think along the same lines as Bobby. I also think you're trying to make us think about the whole dynamic of good vs. evil, because if the WWE had everyone that we like be a heel, it wouldn't mean anything since there would be no big faces for them to oppose.

[The Maz]

I think you are right Xan. Bobby's rant was not BK's opinions. I think he made that pretty clear too. We are all made up of some Bobby and some Mark. I love these guys.

[BeyondKnight]

Cici - You were supposed to feel tired of it by the end. That was deliberate. Because after all that, what has Bobby really said or accomplished?

Degen - Plan is NOT my wife. Keep that shit up and I'll go ex-patriot for the damned limeys.

Bril - Damn, I don't think I can dumb my level down any further. More venom may have overshadowed the point I was trying to make, although I am not sure I really succeeded.

Boom - Don't most "rants" go on a little too long? Without much logic, reason or sense? As for the format, it was fun to take the show out of the studio. The interns do need to be more careful with the broadcast equipment.

Sir Sam - Welcome to The Report! And what the hell is wrong with you? Why would you agree with anything that punk kid was talking about? I think Bobby might be a disturbed young man and should seek professional help.

Kafu - Nailing the rant style wasn't exactly what I was going for, but I guess it's a compliment to know that I could if that was my only purpose. I sense just a hint of disapointment from you? If you are so inclined give this one another read. I think there is a little more under the surface.

Maz - Pretend away. Pretending is fun. Right Interns? And remember, Mark is an 8th grade boy, and we have laws in this country protecting him from those sorts of calls...

Cooli-Cool - Thanks for the praise. Everything about the rant was deliberate, including the length and repetition.

Box Car - I wish I wasn't such a hit it and quit it kind of columnist. Alas real life gets in the way, as so the NHL playoffs. Mark needs Bobby and Bobby needs Mark. Without both of them, things get out of balance.

Hannah - I actually am pretty tame. The excessive f-bombs were my means of trying to drive home a point subtly. They weren't meant for their "standard" impact". I know that doesn't make much sense, but I don't think I did it very well either.

Xan - It isn't just you, although it might just be you and me. My intent was more of parody/commentary, although I think this piece needs to be viewed in context of my other work for it to really be effective. Since I never post any of my work since the reset I guess it's my fault. You did however uncover what I was trying to convey. If you give Bobby enough influence, he is going to suck the life right out of everything and never be satisfied with anything whatsoever. He wants the entire world to adjust to him and not have to change himself in the slightest.

Maz II - Nice of you to join the party.

Nation, I tried something a little different with this one. I think I was getting a little too comfortable and too bored in my "Fred jokes" box, and I think I'll be branching out a little more in the future. Not that I'll stop calling him Fred. I left that up to God, and by the Glory of the Pittsburgh Steelers superbowl victory he gave me the freedom to bask in the Fredness.

Thank you all for the feedback. If any of you do care for a little more explaination of the breakdown of this column, let me know and I'll share. If everyone has stopped caring already though, I'll shut up for a while...

Thanks again!

[Kano]

I enjoyed this a lot man. Please write more often as you could easily be one of, if not the best in the CF.

Thankyou

[Freeman]

This was hilarious! I didn't actually feel that the rant went on too long, I was laughing too much!

Good work, keep it up.