Taste My Project [18] - I Mock Your Values! You Appear Foolish in the Eyes of Others.

[James_A]

[18] – Taste My Project Part 2

Welcome my fruity, delicious, delicious, oh it’s fruity, fruity, fruity followers to a very special edition of Project CF. If you weren’t with us last time, SkittleZ challenged me to name his favorite superstar’s Top Twenty Televised Moments and I challenged him to name my favorite superstar’s Top Ten RAW Moments. My parody raised a few eyebrows, got people questioning my sanity, and garnered a lot of praise. If you haven’t read it, read it here: Taste My Project [1]

Well it seems like my fruity cohort responded to my Wrestlemania challenge a week short of Judgment Day. I honestly can’t believe that chump just praised my favorite wrestler on a much bigger stage! Ahem… I warn everybody that the list this time around is a little bit Taker heavy. What I mean by that is it has quite a bit of moments from the Edge-Taker feud and I think that it’s testimony to how well Edge upped his game while he was facing off against The Phenom. So please enjoy my unveiling of Mr. Copeland’s Last Ten Televised Moments…

OVER THE RAINBOW

Still didn’t wanna use too much bandwidth.

#10. Edge Slaps The Taste Out Of Cena’s Mouth

Ladies and gentlemen please welcome a special musical performance by Miss Beyoncé!

Originally Posted by Beyoncé

All the Cena Haters! (All the Cena Haters) All the Cena Haters! (All the Cena Haters) Now put your hands up! Up at the top, never ever stops, because Vince put him there, thinkin’ it’s a gyp, the smarks are gonna trip, they don’t think that it is fair, that he’s getting recognition, did I mention, Vince paid him too many attention, things are gonna burn, now you’re gonna learn, smarky smarks just don’t want him there. If we don’t like him then you shouldn’t put the title on him. If we don’t like him then you shouldn’t put the title on him. We’re getting mad seeing Cena with that thing on him. If we don’t like him then you shouldn’t put the title on him, oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh-oh, oh oh oh oh, woah oh oh.

Ladies and gentlemen give it up for Beyoncé! *Waits for applause*

At the time of this occurrence Cena haters were getting vicious and all they needed was a catchy tune to sing like the one above. Since the song “Single Ladies” didn’t come out until last year and I only made the parody (a parody within a parody) up just now, Cena haters would have something else to say. That would be the words “Edge! Edge! Edge! Edge!” Many of those Cena haters saw the foil of this dastardly, adulterous bad guy as the answer to John Cena’s happy-go-lucky, clean-cut, All-American babyface. The two entered an intense feud that got really personal when one day Edge decided he’d pay a visit to the Cena home. No it wouldn’t be John Cena the wrestler that would answer the door, oh no. It would be John Cena Sr. the proud loving father of John Cena the wrestler. Edge and Slutty McSlut Slut stormed around like they owned the place and even made fun of the various things that Cena held dear in his heart in his own home. When Mr. Cena had heard enough and demanded some respect, Edge showed his disrespect with the “bitchslap heard ‘round the wrestling world.” Meanwhile in a WWE ring, all John Cena the wrestler could do was watch John Cena the proud loving father turn into John Cena the proud loving welted up grapefruit. What was dark day for Cena fans everywhere was a proud moment for Edgeheads and Rated R Superfans (Hi SUPERFAN!) everywhere.

#9. Strikes Gold And Hookers!

This here is a very underrated moment that had quite a bit of importance in the rest of Edge’s career. By having Edge win the Gold Rush Tournament he was able to get Lita as his valet and show people that he was getting closer and closer to the main event. This moment sort of planted the seeds in what would eventually be the Rated R Superstar persona, the Kane feud, the Matt Hardy feud, the WWE Title win, the Live Sex celebration, as well as other moments as well. The point is that it wasn’t beating Kane or winning the Gold Rush Tournament that made this moment special but rather getting Lita as his valet. This would transform him from deranged psychopath looking for the title to a deranged psychopath looking for the title with a slut by his side and a snazzy shirt showcasing his new nickname. Big diff people.

#8. Versus RVD Versus John Cena – WWE Championship Match

Around the time of this Edge was coming off a red hot feud with Mick Foley. The main event scene was preoccupied by wait for it… John Cena. Well if you thought the Cena haters were loud during the tenth moment, the fans at the Hammerstein Ballroom at ECW One Night Stand made them look like a pack of apathetic high school freshmen at a JV pep rally. The spat, cheered obscenities at Cena, and even threatened to riot if he won. Well long story short, the title was given to the then-Money in the Bank casher-inner and speculated “Super Cena Antidote,” Rob Van Dam. Later during his reign though, that stupid ass got caught smoking some bad huka with Sabu on his road trip to White Castle.

Lo and behold, to make up for RVD’s bad vibrations, a triple threat match was booked out of nowhere and the title was hotshotted back to… Edge! I remember this moment fondly as the first instance of WWE trusting Edge during a crisis. RVD loved weed too much to be a competent champion (or at least remain low key during his pot-smoking ventures) and John Cena was much too stale in the main event to have the title go back to. In any case, Edge fans everywhere (I’m looking right in your direction you fruity meatball) were happy that their man was able to capitalize on another man’s stupidity. Ultimate opportunist indeed.

#7. Versus Matt Hardy – Loser Leaves RAW Money In The Bank Ladder Match

This was the final chapter of the epic Edge and Matt Hardy feud. While many people feel as though the street fight was awesome I felt that their final encounter was jam-packed with action from start to finish. Remember in the previous installment when I said that Matt Hardy had never been so entertaining and driven? Look at this match to see why. This is seriously one of the best one on one performances either of these two men have had put on in their entire careers. A lot of passion and pure emotion went into this feud and during this blowoff match it was evident with every punch, hit, grapple, and throw.

We saw some brilliant use of the ladders with some very innovative spots in the match. One of them involved Edge being knocked off of the center ladder on to a ladder that was positioned on the turnbuckle and being so thrown off balance that he ran into and knocked over the center ladder which had Matt Hardy on it. The match also saw Lita get involved by taking a few bumps and by being the deciding factor in which way the match went. The ending saw Matt Hardy reaching for his ultimate goal but having the ladder taken out from under him by Lita (kind of like in real life huh?) Edge took the suspended Matt Hardy and threw him to the opposite ropes where Matt’s arms became entangled. Lita wrapped herself around Hardy’s arms to ensure he wasn’t going anywhere as Edge made it up to claim his prize in front of his bitter enemy.

The ending was quite unique in that it was a stark tragedy in the “good triumphs over evil” heavy WWE. The guy who was an asshole and took a man’s girlfriend away from him (and we’re talking real life here folks) triumphed over the guy that was fighting for redemption and vengeance for his broken heart. This wasn’t a storybook ending or some TV show where everything eventually works out in the end. It was real. It was something that actually happens in the real world. To me, if we had more of this in WWE programming than the younger audience would be able to be exposed to tragedy earlier in life to show them what a cold, dark world it is out there. But that’s another topic for another time.

#6. The Ultimate Opportunist

Much like Rob Van Dam before him, Undertaker’s reign was cut short due to unforeseen circumstances (albeit less embarrassing and less preventable.) Well just like last time, who did the WWE trust to take the championship off the injured man’s hands? Well the Money in the Bank winner of course? Wait, what’s that? Mr. Kennedy was injured? Well that brings up another flaw in the story… Oh dear…

Actually, it really doesn’t because there was an opportunist waiting in the wings. An ultimate opportunist. Yes that’s right, just like when RVD dropped the ball, Edge was there to pick up the pieces. He yanked the MITB briefcase from the very delicate hands of Mr. Kennedy and cashed the briefcase in the very next night to win the title from a tired and injured Undertaker. This moment would solidify Edge’s status as the ultimate opportunist while planting seeds for the Undertaker feud that would commence during the next year or so.

#5. The Cutting Foley

And here’s where this list is bound to get controversial. I took some points off of this moment mainly because this was really more of a Foley promo than it was an Edge promo. Foley did most of the talking and was mainly in control of this promo the entire time. Don’t get me wrong, the Edge beatdown was pretty awesome as well, but to me it was Mick Foley who made this promo. And in the end it was really all just a clever way of writing off Foley. Let’s recall…

Ever since Edge cashed his Money in the Bank opportunity (read above) Undertaker wanted his title back. This would all culminate at Wrestlemania 24 where Edge would lose his title to Taker thus sparking one of the hottest feuds of the year. At one point Edge and Taker decided they would square off in a TLC match with one of the stipulations being that if Taker managed to lose, he would be banished from the WWE forever. Well after a great match, Edgykins was the one to come out with the “W” on this night and as a result The Undertaker was banished. Fast forward to after the Great American Bash. Vickie after learning her husband had been cheating with the very foxy wedding planner Alicia Fox, she decided to do something drastic to make him pay. She brought back the Deadman and scheduled a Hell in a Cell for Edge meet him there.

Three weeks before Summerslam Edge hosted an edition of The Cutting Edge and claimed he had a trick up his sleeve to try to handle the Undertaker. He asked for ringside commentator Mick Foley to help him since he had been in the most infamous HIAC with the Deadman. Foley responded that not only wouldn’t he help him, but he couldn’t help him. He claimed that throughout the time Edge came to SmackDown! and married Vickie he was not the same Edge that was displaying why Foley had called him the best superstar in the WWE. Edge was no longer the psychotic, driven heel but was and Edge who had taken shortcuts and gone soft and that made Foley sick to his stomach. If Edge were to bring that soft Edge into the HIAC with The Undertaker he would be ripped apart. This struck a noticeable chord with Edge who seemed to be reverting back to that former psychotic self that Foley was talking about. When Foley ended his speech with the words “Am I understood?” Edge simply replied “I understand” and let his following actions do the talking for him. He viciously attacked Foley with the microphone, speared him into the steel steps, and sent Foley crashing through the table in the ring by a chair assisted elbow drop off of a ladder. Oh Edge understood alright and he would show it the very next week.

#4. Edge Has No Concern For The Handicapped!

After everything described above had transpired, Edge appeared the next SmackDown! to help his La Familia out from the threat that Undertaker was in the building. If memory serves correctly, it was Zack Ryder and/or Curt Hawkins who got laid out in the back sparking the paranoia of an early arrival by the Deadman. Edge, seemingly forgetting about all that happened during the previous week, calmly and gently formed a plan and asked the family to remember to stay united and strong. They’ll all watch each other’s backs… or so they thought. After Chavo wheeled Vickie to the ring and called out the Undertaker, Edge cracked a chair right over his back. He then very psychotically proceeded to Con-Chair-To Chavo while Vickie watched in horror. But it wouldn’t end there. The Rated R Psychopath tipped Vickie right out of her chair onto her ass just like a common cow. He proceeded to give her a very intense scolding, changing his facial expressions rapidly to express to her just how scared she should be. With Vickie cowerring in the corner, Edge proclaimed in a very loud fashion that “It wasn’t The Undertaker you [Vickie] should be afraid of. It’s me!” with both his actions and his words.

#2.9 LIVE! NUDE! SEX!

Ahhh, some of you thought that this would be on the number one spot didn’t you? For reasons like the segment being interrupted by Flair and Cena, the segment not really progressing the storyline,among other things, it does not get the top moment. However, it did make quite its mark on history. It drew the highest RAW rating for a single segment in years. It actually earned Edge the nickname of “the most watched WWE Champion in the last ten years.”

Well we all recall this famous moment. Edge and Lita walked to a ring decorated in rose pedals and and a nice soft bed. Speaking of nice and soft, remember when Lita’s boob popped out during this segment? But anyway, Edge and Lita carefully engaged in foreplay by taking off each other’s clothing. We even got to see Edge pop one right in the middle of the ring. I mean his awesome schlong was just sticking out! But I digress. As they moved under the covers their steamy sensual music suddenly turned into the Nature Boy’s theme song. As Flair came out with a mic in hand, he called Edge “dead in the bed” and went down to the ring to meet the half naked Edge. An altercation between the two saw Edge get the upper hand until then-former WWE Champion John Cena came out and chased Edge out of the ring. He then picked up the nearly nude Lita and gave her the F-U. Or at least that’s how I remember it. Anyway…

#2. The Real Edge Returns to Friday Night SmackDown!

Angry Edge, real Edge, psychopathic Edge, whatever you want to call him, continued his streak of tipping cows as this week he delivered in my opinion his best promo to date. The intensity in his voice, his lack of fear for the Deadman, and his actually willingness to step into Hell in a Cell, let us see a side of Edge that was worthy of stepping in the ring with the Phenom. I mean if you ever doubted whether Edge could go with the greats in the business, look no further than this promo. He dropped his wife out of her chair and yelled and screamed at her as if he was torturing her. This insane, psychotic demeanor showed absolutely no fear for Undertaker and it was really at odds with the usual “chicken shit” character that every heel has to play in order to make Taker’s gimmick seem scary (as opposed to just being a silly guy wearing mascara and tights.) Edge begged the Deadman to come out to the ring and meet him. This moment actually made me think that Edge would pull out a win at Summerslam shortly before Undertaker would kill him off for a while. In any case though Edge stepped up his game so much and this is a terrific example.

#1. Versus Ric Flair - TLC for the WWE Championship

This might be a shock to some of you that my top moment doesn’t reside on the January 9, 2006 edition of RAW but rather the week after it. This match had a lot going for it being that it was a televised match for the WWE Title which in itself is an extremely rare occurrence. It also leveled the playing field in terms of experience between Edge and Ric Flair. While Ric Flair had around twenty years of wrestling experience he had not wrestled in a single match involving a ladder; something Edge had loads of experience (and success) with.

With the playing field even, a terrific match took place. We got to see things like Edge belly flopping from a ladder onto Flair on a table, Slutty McSlut Slut in the Figure Four, Flair being superplexed from a ladder, and Edge getting his junk grabbed in the middle of a match. Regardless of questionable genitalia to hand action, Ric Flair showed that even in his old age and ladder match virginity, he still had it. His wrestling ability, not Edge’s dick. As for Edge, he couldn’t have asked for a stronger match to kick off his first title reign. He wrestled a match against one of the greatest in a match that showcased his strengths in front of the whole RAW audience to see. That is why I believe this deserves to be on the top spot in a collection of Edge’s greatest televised moments and matches.

Alright you stupid fruits. I am sad to say that none of you pathetic fruitcakes got my last riddle. Well actually one of you got it and it was none other than the man I am parodying, SkittleZ himself! That’s right, the answer to the riddle was the most obviously Edge! Unfortunately most of you never even attempted it so it brought the Correct Guess Ratio to ratherly lowly (or high depending on the way you look at it) 20%. Let’s follow up with a second riddle…
_______________________________________________

I got a main event push by pounding some slutty ass,

All nine of my world title reigns are getting harassed,

I’m a blonde Canadian yet clearly not the best,

Because there’s someone else who excels above all the rest,

I wish my name didn’t rhyme with smedge.
_______________________________________________

Alright you fruity tooties let’s see if you can guess that. Nobody can solve my masterfully vague riddles! Guess it wrong and I’ll call attention to your inability to guess it right! Unlike last time though there’s really only one guy sorry enough to fit this uggz criteria here.

FRUITY FINISH

I am really tired. This was a long time coming because somebody took a rather long time to respond to the last challenge but it’s all good in the hood because he and I are tighter than Maryse’s kitty cat. Seriously have you seen that thing? It’s so tiny and discreet!... Aherm… You guys already know the drill. Too busy for column writing, up to my neck in school work, gotta do another parody sometime soon, yadda yadda yadda. Ha! Just kidding everyone because my once cloudy schedule looks to be clearing up a bit and my parody days (at least in solo columns) look to be done for a loooooong while. Hopefully I’ll be seeing you all sooner rather than later. ‘Til we meet again, later homos!

[NightofDay]

How has this not got any feedback already? No worries Jimmy. I'm here.

Once again, another great job on parodying SkitZ. You talking about Edge bitch slapping Cena's dad had me in stitches upon watching it again. Edge was comedy gold throughout that segment. Although I disagree with the #1 spot (that should have went to Live Sex segment but I digress), this was still very entertaining.

Great job once again Jimmy.

Oh, and the answer to the riddle is Edge

[the ticking clock]

Jimmy,

Firstly in response to the awesome title: past instances in which I professed to like you are fraudulent! Simpsons FTW.

Now for the column - I actually agree with your number one choice as I well remember Flair's HOF induction speech where he gave huge props to Edge for that match. You got SkittleZ's style spot on, but damn that's one tough riddle! I'm gonna guess.. Bam Bam Bigelow?

Nice work, and looking forward to the next!

[Mister E]

Classy read! I had almost forgotten about that Edge-Flair match but it was truly awesome thinking back. Excellent account of Edge's moments, particularly like reading about The Cutting Foley and The Real Edge's return to Smackdown.

When you contrast that side of Edge with all the comedy segments he'd done over the years then I think you have one of WWE's most versatile top stars.

Great column overall, Eoghan.

['Plan]

Yo Jimmy.

It may not have been the most thought provoking column ever but it sure was a hell of a lot of fun to read! I'm usually not that big on Lists but Edge's rise to stardom occurred at a time where I was no longer watching pro wrestling and so it was really interesting reading up on some of the many moments that occurred during it. I was a little surprised that you didn't include any pre-push moments or did they come in your first column? I can't remember! Damn my awful memory.

I was indeed shocked to see the number one choice but you defended it well enough for me to believe you. All in all a great deal of fun sir! I'm sure Candylicious will be proud to call you his paro..di...er? Yeah, you know what I mean.

Oh, and as for the riddle, it's Triple H! No, I jest. It is of course Edge. But that "I got a main event push by pounding a slutty ass" almost threw me off the scent there! Vague and masterful indeed.

Kudos!

[Martin Riggs]

I resent the Lita hatred, she's one of the best female wrestlers this business has ever seen.

Other than that this column was fun. Lovely fun. It brought back a lot of good memories, and reminded me just why i love Edge so damn much.

Noyce

[Leonard]

We even got to see Edge pop one right in the middle of the ring. I mean his awesome schlong was just sticking out!

Yikes...Wowie Zowie...or maybe you were just channeling SkitZ...

Yes sir, you've done it again. I agree with your number one choice, as that was probably Flair's best match up of the 21st century until WrestleMania XXIV. Well done.

And obviously the answer to the riddle is Dorothy Mantooth...

...oh wait, she's an unseen fictional character from the motion picture Anchorman. M'kay, Edge it is, then.

--Leonard

[Roger Murtaugh]

More goodness here Jimmy. Good choice for # 1 man, as I legitimately thought that Flair was done quite a few times in that bout. Any time you can make your opponents' grown kids cry, then you have succeeded in doing something very cool.

As for your riddle, I'm gonna have to sleep on it.



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Now playing: Cannibal Corpse - Edible Autopsy
via FoxyTunes

[The Maz]

Jimbo - Well we all know you have been experimenting recently and last time went back to being yourself. I have to say though, I love Taste My Project as you do SkitZ almost as well as you do you. Once again you were pretty much spot on with your interpretation and produced a highly amusing column. The riddle was th eicing on the cake and I will take a guess at Bret Hart. Great Job.

[James_A]

NODdy- I'm glad you liked it. I felt that the Live Sex segment didn't really do much for Edge other than get him shock value ratings. Oh and we got to see Lita's boob but then again who hadn't up until that point? I'll admit that even though it was just mainly for shock value it was a big moment for RAW. However, I felt that the Undertaker HIAC promo and the TLC match both had made Edge a better performer after those moments. Thanks for reading.

the ticking clock- I have had intercourse with your spouse or significant other. As my signature hints, I love The Simpsons. And nice guess on Bam Bam but alas that is not the answer. It was super close though. Thanks for the kind words.

Eoghan- I do agree that Edge is one of the most versatile performers that the WWE has seen. There is another guy that's pretty versatile too. He could be calling guys ass-clowns one moment and hypocrites the next. What was his name? Uhhh Chris... Irvine? Ahh I'll get it later, but that guy is supremely awesome. Thanks for the read.

'Plan- Planny! Glad you liked it but like Edge I'm still trying to show some versatility from my other work. The thought provoking stuff is on it's way back though. And the "pounding some slutty ass" line came to me in a dream. A dream that made me have to clean up my bedspread soon after. Thank you, you beautiful magenta man.

JohnnyB- Actually the Slutty McSlut Slut lines were borrowed from SkittleZ. I agree that she was one of the best female wrestlers and did not deserve such a shameful sendoff. Glad you thought this was fun though

Leonard- I've used the term "awesome schlong" in a column before so it could be a little bit of both me and SkitZ' homoeroticism shining through. Flair + Edge + TLC + WWE Title = #1 Spot for me. That was seriously such a great match and like I said, Edge came out of that a better performer than when he went in. Thanks friend

Mr. Cockdilkalicous- Agreed 100%. I couldn't even believe Flair would take a bump off a ladder. And through a freaking table. That match was epic as Hell. And what made it so cool was the emotion involved. My pick for TV MOTY in 2006.

Mazza- Awww you're a sweetheart but I'm going to go back to me really soon. Lord knows we can't have another SkittleZ running around on LOP. Glad you really enjoyed the series though because I really enjoyed writing it. Thank you for the kind words Mazzaball (<--- Ah see, that's my SkittleZ side coming out again.)

[L-Man]

Ha Ha dude this was good

Riddle: Edge

[Kano]

I know the answer is Edge but I'm going to go

Triple H

Well done mate, loved it