The Boomerang Prophecies XIII: Finding Yourself

[Martin Riggs]

THE BOOMERANG PROPHECIES XIII: FINDING YOURSELF

Good evening, Team Boom. That’s right, if you’re reading this right now you’ve officially been inducted into my own private team. You’ll be sent a welcoming package and a certificate of authenticity over the coming months. But meanwhile, it’s time once again for the column they send to Astronauts to keep them company, The Boomerang Prophecies. Tonight’s column is going to be a bit different, as it’s going to take the shape of a wrestling menu! No? Too soon? Fine.

I’ve noticed that a lot of you don’t seem to know who you are. You understand the person you’ve become, but you don’t know who you would be if you were involved in the main event scene in the WWE! That, my good friends, is where I step in. I have devised a cunning and flawless method of calculating your equivalent WWE Main Eventer, based on your response to questions I shall pose. Ingenious, I know. And this is nothing like those quizzes you may have read in Cosmopolitan, that’s just crazy talk! Why would I take my ideas from a women’s magazine? Anyway, onwards I suppose…


Essentially, the way this is going to work is you’ll decide which scenario best fits you, and then move on to that section, so on and so forth until you reach the end, where you’ll be told which superstar you best represent. Simple enough, right? Well then do it!

THE SITUATION:

In the past few weeks, you’ve been part of a fairly successful, thrown-together tag team. You and your partner have developed a decent rapport, sharing jokes and becoming genuinely good friends. You’ve won a decent string of matches, including an impressive victory over a prominent tag team in a number one contenders match for the World Tag Team Championships. Unfortunately, last week during your championship match, your partner made an unfortunate error, which actually ended up costing you the match, and ultimately your shot at those championship belts. Disappointed, you head to the back, leaving your team-mate to his own devices. This week, your partner is out in the ring apologising when he’s attacked by the current tag champions. You immediately head to the ring. Do you...

A) Rush down, weapon in hand, and attack each of the tag-team champions viciously. If they flee, you chase after them, revenge foremost on your mind.

B) Rush down and attempt to save your partner, regardless of whether or not you’ll be successful and ward off the attackers or be beaten down as well.

C) Stroll down to the ring and watch from the outside, taunting your former team-mate as he continues to receive punishment in the form of physical pain, revelling in the agony he suffers as a result of not being good enough to help you win the titles.

D) Rush to the ring, only to swerve everybody and reveal your allegiance with the tag champions, choosing to side with the winners rather that pointlessly struggle with someone who isn’t going to be of any use anyway.

E) Use your supernatural powers to make the lights black out briefly, reappearing behind your foes before unleashing a savage beating. You conclude this by sticking out your tongue in celebration.

If you chose option A…

You’re in a rivalry with a longstanding enemy, and you’ve had your fair share of matches, including all the usual favourites: Steel Cages, First Bloods and Street Fights. You both hate each other and everybody knows it. However, last week your rival cut a scathing promo on you, insulting your family, your life and your fashion sense. So this week you head on down to the ring, microphone in hand. Do you…

Aa) Mock his face, the way he talks, the fact that he can never face you on his own. Basically mock everything about him, make him look stupid and give the crowd a few laughs on the way.

Ab) Tell him you’ve had enough of his crap and demand he come to the ring so you can settle this once and for all.

If you chose option Aa…

You find yourself needing some time away from the title picture, as you’ve become something of a mainstay and the audience is growing tired of you always being there. Willing to accept that fact and feel the desire to freshen up your character, do you…

Aaa) Form a comedic duo, spend a few months backstage in some funny promos, insulting people, generally being a nuisance before returning to the title scene

Aab) Fake an injury angle and spend a few months making an awesome action film, broadening your horizons and trying something different before returning to the title scene.

If you chose option Ab…

You’re Batista! You're the Animal, you’ve got a temper and everyone knows it. You’re willing to defend those you trust and you’re strong enough to do it. When the time comes, you’re prepared to get down to business, no funny talk just straight action. That action being YOU punching THEM in the face!

If you chose option Aaa…

You’re Triple H! You're the Game and you’re prepared to get hardcore and deliver a beat down when necessary. And the championship is where you’ll be found! Sometimes though, you just wanna hang back with an old friend and get into mischief. Others shouldn’t be fooled, though, because when it comes down to it, no-one will stand in your way!

If you chose option Aab…

You’re John Cena! You’re a company man, and you have a great reputation backstage, but that wont stop you from getting down and dirty. Especially if it’s in the defence of something good and right. You’ve got your slogan and you live by it. Hustle, Loyalty and Respect!

If you chose option B…

You’re enthusiastic and love to please the crowd, but recently you’ve been having a spot of bother with a certain superstar on your roster. You’ve gone back and forth from afar, and in recent weeks you’ve tested each other during tag matches. However they interrupted your match last week, getting you disqualified in the process. Now, while you’re far from the ‘bad guy’ in this situation, you feel a measure of revenge is necessary. So you launch your own run-in during his match, later that evening. Satisfied with your attack, you start to back your way up the ramp. To your complete lack of surprise, the general manager comes out and books the two of you in for a match at the next pay-per-view, this Sunday. You’re looking to find the edge in that bout, so do you…

Ba) Cut a backstage promo before the match, mocking your opponent and sharing in a confident smile before turning serious and warning him that a beating is coming his way.

Bb) Attempt to gain the upper hand by disguising your face in some fashion, in the hope that it’ll intimidate your opponent, temporarily weakening them.

If you chose option Ba…

You compete in a exhibition match at Wrestlemania XXVI, which turns into an absolute five-star classic. There’s blood, sweat and tears, and you end the match with your hand raised in the air, although that’s incidental as both of you are champions in the fans eyes. You want to commemorate this milestone in your career. Do you…

Baa) Decide to get a tattoo with something symbolic of the match to commemorate this awesome personal achievement.

Bab) Not.

If you chose option Baa…

You’re CM Punk! You’re a brash, cocky individual who does his own thing. You’ve got a set of rules you stick by, and that’s good enough for you. You’re a capable, reliable individual with the world seemingly at your feet!

If you chose option Bab…

You’re Shawn Michaels! You’re the Icon, one of the greatest wrestlers of this generation. You’ve had a wonderful career and you’re still capable of putting on some of the greatest matches around with a plethora of opponents. Your talent is truly great!

If you chose option Bb…

You’ve been through the toughest few months of your entire career. The WWE saw the potential in you and, after a few months of putting you over established main-event stars, they give you a trial run with the World Heavyweight Championship. You’re told this will only last for a few weeks, as they want to gauge the crowd reactions you’re receiving and see how well you perform as champion of the brand. The night of your championship win comes and the match is stellar, and at the end the fans go absolutely crazy when you get the pin. After the match you head backstage and everyone is shaking your hand. You know you deserve this, and you’ve got a bright future in the company. You head home to celebrate. Do you…

Bba) Choose to break out your special ‘stash’ to reward all the hard work you’ve done over the past few months, and get yourself buzzed before you drift off to sleep.

Bbb) Spend the evening with your family, revelling in the love of those closest to you.

If you chose option Bba…

You’re Jeff Hardy! You’re the Charismatic Enigma, capable of performing daredevil feats and death-defying stunts. People of all ages love you, and you respect them for it. You’re very much your own person, not afraid to do what you feel is right, even if others might disagree with it.

If you chose option Bbb…

You’re Rey Mysterio! You’re a high-flying, fun loving luchador, loved by kids everywhere. Your younger fan following means you have a responsibility to be a solid role model, but you don’t mind because you love doing that anyway!

If you chose option C…

You have the WWE Championship slung over one shoulder. Admittedly, you had a little ‘help’ in acquiring it, but who cares? Now it’s yours! You stand victorious in the middle of the ring, showing off your newly won prize to all of the jealous fans. It’s great when everybody wants to be you! Suddenly one of your fellow superstars interrupts your celebrations, declaring his intentions of challenging for your title. Before you can trash-talk him back to the locker room, that pesky general manager comes out and makes the match official! In preparation for the upcoming bout, do you…

Ca) Enlist the help of a couple of mid-carders to form a stable, thus giving you a source of back-up for the match, if you so need it.

Cb) Enter the ring in a full suit at the start of your brand and proceed to talk down your opponent until they show their face, then attack them from behind and leave triumphantly.

If you chose option Ca…

It actually happened. You walked into the Biggest Stage of Them All as champion… and you lost! Your precious championship, the pride and joy of your world is gone. Fear not, though, for at your contractually obligated rematch at Backlash you mean to take it back. Over the coming weeks, you plan to psychologically damage your opponent, with a carefully laid out plan of attack. Do you…

Caa) Surprise them and drop them with your finisher, before sadistically attacking both them and anyone close to them.

Cab) Attack them brutally with an array of weapons, then obsess over the championship, declaring it ‘your life’.

If you chose option Caa…

You’re Randy Orton! You’re the Legend Killer, and you’re about as good as you think you are. You’ve got your own faction who’ll follow you no matter what. You’re sly and devious, and the rest of the WWE better be warned!

If you chose option Cab…

You’re Edge! You’re the Rated ‘R’ Superstar, and you’re about as opportunistic as they come. You’ve managed to accumulate more titles in the last year than anyone else in the history of this business, and that proves, if nothing else, that the company has full faith in you as a reliable man to put the title on. You’re fanatically devoted to your cause, and your passion shows in your achievements!

If you chose option Cb…

You’re Chris Jericho! You’ve got a long a storied career behind you, although recently you’ve ditched the futile attempts to please the insatiable and petty fans, instead trying to make them aware of their own misdoings! You’re calm and confident, and you have the skills to back up your words!


If you chose option D…

You’re in the middle of the ring, you’ve just interrupted a talk show segment. Unperturbed by the look of shock and anger on the host’s face, you proceed to explain to him, his guest and the fans that you feel you’ve been mistreated over the past few months by the general manager and by your fellow superstars. You declare that’s all ending tonight, as you plan to challenge for the host’s title. After declaring your candidacy, you feel the need to make a statement to back up your claims. Do you…

Da) Continue to show how people are mistreating you, explaining to everyone that you’re in the right and they’re in the wrong before finally attacking the host with the microphone.

Db) Throw his couch out of the ring and destroy all the decorations and furniture he had as part of his talk show.

If you chose option Da…

You’re Matt Hardy! You’re the superior Hardy brother, the older, the wiser, and generally the better. People don’t seem to understand your plight at times, but you’re gracious enough to keep explaining it to them and asking for the respect you deserve. After all, you’re Version One, baby!

If you chose option Db…

You’re The Big Show! You’re a seven foot, four-hundred-and-fifty pound monster, and people know not to mess with you. You are literally the largest athlete in the world, and people fear you because of it. Everyone knows you’re a legitimate tough guy, and you pack one hell of a punch!

If you chose option E…

You’re The Undertaker! You’re the Phenom, a man without fear, and rightly so. You have access to supernatural powers, and frequently use them to avenge any wrongdoings you’ve suffered. People will always stand against you, but they will always fall before you. You are the Deadman!


Okay, well I think that about wraps up this psychedelic column! Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to discover yourself, feel free to let me know who you were (and whether you agreed with it!) So from the bottom of the Meditaboomian Ocean, I’m Johnny Boomerang: Game Over.

[Lazyking]

J- boom, great column and imo your best yet I loved the whole choose your own adventure was great. Also I was CM PUNK and glad coz he's my favorite wrestler and I'm also Straightedge.

[Vikodin]

As a child I was always a fan of the "choose your own adventure" style stories, and while this was more like the quizs you find in all sorts of magazines and what not, this still reminded me of those so I have to say thank you for that.

As for the column itself, you really pulled a winner out of your hat here. It was well executed and quite interesting. I'd love to see if you could do a TNA one now! If you do decide to do another column with this sort of "choose your wrestler" thing, the only suggestion I would make would be to have multiple ways to get to the one wrestler, just like in the real quizes and what not. Something to consider anyway.

I was happy as well because I got HBK Shawn Michaels, and I've been a massive fan of he's ever since I first saw him wrestle, the Unsanctioned match against HHH.

Read you again next time!

[Box Car Rocco]

Another awesome effort Boom. Very fun to read and a great concept.

I got Jericho, awesome. I've said previously that anyone who wears a suit when cutting promos is awesome so I had to choose that

[Hustle]

It's only fitting that I'm John Cena.

Another superb slice of column pie (Is that on the wrestling menu? Love the reference.), but damn, you're setting the bar ridiculously high for yourself, no? At this point, putting out B+ work is almost going to be disappointing. Perhaps your next column can be shitty or something? You know, to take the pressure off of yourself.

You're one of my favorite columnists to have ever posted on LoP, whether it be in the CF or on the MP. Seriously. Your creativity is second-to-none, and on top of that, everything is just so well-written. Keep up the excellent work.

[MyLeeCyrus]

CM Punk is someone I'm quite happy being... although since its you, I don't think I can pretend to pass myself off as straight edge :P

Well done sir, a great idea that you pulled off very well indeed (you should reeeally readjust your sleeping patterns to suit the UK sometime soon though).

CYOA is less fun with mediocre formatting, but you did the best you could with the limitations provided. I especially enjoyed the cheery descriptions used for each wrestler. Exclamation points are fun!

[L-Man]

Dude this was cool

I'mm Triple-H which meaans I get to beat the living shit out of people with a sledgehammer so it's all good.

[JoeyShinobi]

Johnny, Womens Weekly magazine called, and they want their idea back.

I liked the idea, but ultimately, it fell a little short in my expectations. It seemed a little obvious from the off where you'd end up, and I daresay Hustle sat there and thought 'WWJCD?'. I was expecting you to list real life situations like if we're pissed off in a queue, or some women in a raincoat and clipboard came up to us in the street and asked us to sponsor a llama, and give us reactions based on that. This was too predictable for me. The concept itself was creative, but the ideas within it weren't.

Last time, I suggested it, this time, I'm begging you; take a bit more time over these. I don't know what it's like to wonder when I'll get another Prophecy, because bam!, every week, there's a new one. See what you can do with two weeks - hell, if you're going to make it special, leave it three.

[Martin Riggs]

Lazyking, thank you for your kindnesses and I appreciate taking the time to view this.

Kafu, i've got more chance of doing a Diva-style, because i don't know TNA well enough. Unless you want a TNA-Based-Solely-On-Former-WWE-Stars version

BCR, glad you liked it

Hustle, Only too fitting... admit it, you were Matt Hardy. It's fine, I won't tell anyone. Thanks for reading bro

Miles, Yeah, 5am is a bit fucked. But i got into a flow. Shame that flow has pretty much ruined my Thursday in regards to motivation...

BC, if one is going to assign wrestlers, the least one could do is be enthusiastic about it.

Oh L-MAN! *swing of the arm* *Canned studio Audience Laughter*

Joey, Ugh. In fairness, I never even thought of using random situations. I didn't want to lose people, being that i thought it might be confusing enough as it was.

And yeah. Okay. But fuck the two/three week thing. Consider me on an Indefinite Column Writing Hiatus.

Keep feedbacking. Or else...?

['Plan]

No Bret Hart option? What kind of an atrocious, dull, inane and redundant quiz is this?! Rawr!

But hey. I'm Chris Jericho apparently so all is good. He's the next best thing if we're being honest! Screw Edge!

In seriousness, I'm with Joey. This was a very fun column and you pulled the concept off as well as it could have been but I do feel real life options would have been a little more creative. That's not to say this wasn't up to your usually high and impeccable standards because it was. Smooth, well written, entertaining and even informative!

While I always insist to other writers that CotM should not be your primary motivation for writing here, you've made a strong start this month to getting it. Heed Joey's advice, spend an extra week working on something and churn out a truly spectacular piece that'll blow everyone out of the water and I think it'll be all yours.

And for the record, the menu comment in the intro garnered a genuine LOL from me. Kudos!

So basically another great column from the Boom but now's the time to give us all something truly special.

[Kano]

I love this.

Partly because I got ORTON!

JB keep it up

[Mister E]

This was very well put together. I found myself reading it over and over trying out all my alter egos. The idea was sound and the main eventers choices had a well defined range.

Great showing, I thouroughly enjoy your columns. More fun ones like this certainly would go down well. Eoghan

[Freeman]

Boomer: How do you do it man? Two fantastic columns in the space of a few days. You are a real inspiration, keep up the good work.

[Super Chrisss]

Fun fun fun FUN stuff. I'm a sucker for quizzes I'm fittingly CM Punk, but I'm not too happy that a bunch of others were as well. Also, Matt Hardy is a main-eventer? I must have missed that one!

[Jason Boy]

All I can say is wow, you have done an excellent job and usaully when 2+ columns are released in 2 weeks time they lack you have just proved me wrong, cotm should be yours and btw i will be sending you my column for your input if you don't mind

[Leonard]

Hi Johnny:

I wanted to stop by to let you know that I really enjoyed this, and not only because my match was Chris Jericho. One person made reference to the choices being a little predictible, and I can't help but agree...I think the "everyday" situations would help that. It doesn't take away from the fact, however, that thsi was a very well written and thought-out column. Good work, sir.

--Leonard

[Ripper]

This was a really cool idea for a column. I found out would be Edge.

Not much else to say, really. This was a fun column.

[the ticking clock]

According to your quiz, my husband might be gay. Oh shit, I mean I'm Chris Jericho! This was a fun little piece and another good, original idea from you. It may have been predictable as others said, but at least it helped me avoid being Batista!

[Martin Riggs]

Plan, Mr Hart is not a current wrestler, hence his omission.

And i feel i should say one thing before i continue, i wanted this column to be fairly predictable. I wasn't looking to shock you all with stunning revelations, i was doing an honest emulation/parody of those types of quizzes, in which the answers themselves are fairly obvious. So although it would've been more fun to put 'a hippo walks up to you and asks for a cigarette, do you...' ultimately, to me, that seems a bit silly. Even normal questions such as 'you get stopped by greenpeace on your way to work, do you...' just seemed inappropriate. I think, ultimately, it boils down to: I wanted to escape from reality to think of myself as a WWE superstar, not be continually reminded of my life as it is, then find out which superstar is similar to me in that (vague) respect.

Kano, good man. Thank you for reading.

Eoghan, thank you, fun is what i aim for

Freeman, I'll be honest, i forgot i posted my other one so recently. Whoops!

Super Chrisss, Matt Hardy is a main eventer due to the fact that i needed someone else to fill that gap, as i had a distinct lack of heel main eventers that weren't Edge/Orton/Jericho. Promotion for young matthew!

JasonBoy (JB, we have the same initials!) Um... sure, send your column if you want me to look over it, i don't mind. I'm taking a break from this stuff anyway. Thanks for reading

Lenoard, thanks for the compliment and the honesty. As i've said above, i made a choice and stuck with it. Thanks for reading!

Ripper, thanks for reading!

TTC, it's fine, because if you still love him then..what? Um, anyway, predictable is good! I mean, we all watch the WWE, that's far from groundbreaking at times! Thanks for reading

[Stryder]

Really great column, cool idea and well executed. I only have one problem! Batista?!? really? can i get a do over as i have stated on previous occasions that I do actually hate Batista.

Keep up the good work

[Roger Murtaugh]

For creativity alone this column deserves any praise it gets. Another solid outing my man, and further proof that you are the man around here right now.



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Now playing: Cannibal Corpse - Force Fed Broken Glass
via FoxyTunes

[Swanton Bomb]

This was awesome again, JB! Seriously, you are by far the most consistent of all the writers in the CF at the moment, and I much preferred this to BC's attempt.

[The Maz]

You know what J-Boom? One day you will run out of these great ideas for columns and all you will be left with is a run of the mill column that is excellently written. And the CF will laugh, but not really cos it will still be top of the pile. Well done my friend.

Oh and by the way I am Jericho! Which I guess would make you a hypocrite and an idiot.

[MadchucK]

Nice column, the first type of it's kind that I have read here. I am the animal.