Just Business #29 - Master of None

['Plan]

Just Business #29


Master of None

There are certain things in life that are doomed to fail from the beginning. Some of these things we can see; they are obvious, clear as day to all apart from those undertaking such fruitless tasks. Others are not so obvious. Their inherent flaws become apparent only at the end of things. Retrospect can be an enlightening thing. Sadly, it is also always too late.

My name is ‘Plan. I have been absent for a while but I am back for good this time. And I have foresight, not retrospect. Fate has revealed herself to me and I see her plan for The Great Pretender. And like all Pretenders it will eventually be figured out.

The most tragic thing of all is that the Pretender has become his own worst enemy. He has lost sight of what he is to try and rival something he isn’t.


“One thing you will discover….”

Obstinacy.

There is a certain type of person in this world that does nothing but irritate me. The kind of person that just doesn’t listen. Some are like that because it’s who they are, no fault of their own, surrounded by yes-men and sycophants who are more concerned about their career prospects than what is true. One day The Great Pretender may discover his obstinacy.

Ambition.

Every sword has two edges. With them you can cut and get cut. Ambition is such a sword. Without it, progress would never be made. Without it, the world would become a stagnant sterile environment with nothing fresh, nothing truly new to care about. And yet, with it the world becomes a dangerous place. He who has ambition develops wrath. He who has ambition makes mistakes in his haste. The Great Pretender may discover the other edge of his ambition through failure. I pray that he does.

Vision.

Some men can be called visionaries. They see things before their time. They are pioneers, driving forces forwards, never stopping, always creating and expanding. It is vision that breeds ambition. It is vision that is the core of the problem, the root of the disease. Some men can be called visionaries. Some would call those men blind. Let us hope that sooner rather than later The Great Pretender will discover that he has mistaken prophecy for fallacy.

Sometimes, when you try to chase two goals you will attain neither. Indeed, that is more often than not the case. Taking on too much never gets you anywhere. Trying to cover all your bases is impossible. No man, no position of power can afford or allow itself to lose sight of what it is.

What if those in power forget they were a voice appointed by and for the people? What if schools forgot they were a place of learning? What if a police officer lost sight of his pledge to serve and protect? What if a priest lost sight of his faith?

When you become something you’re not, you fail at what it is you try to do. Because it’s not what you were meant for. It’s not a part of your design. Those who try to fight their Fate and transcend their one real purpose will ultimately fail in doing so. The Great Pretender is one such person.


“…is that life is based less than you think on what you’ve learned…”

The world we indulge ourselves with every week is sometimes one of art imitating life. Real world issues can often, and indeed will often, form the basis for storylines that we attach ourselves to and that make us feel whichever what way to the characters presented to us. The most recent and notable example of this is the not-so-long ago feud between John “Bradshaw” Layfield and “The Heartbreak Kid” Shawn Michaels; it was a storyline that developed around the current disastrous economic climate from which we all suffer.

And this has become increasingly the case as time has moved forwards. We are becoming further and further removed from the days of yore when feuds would develop around wanting to be champion, about wanting to be the best wrestler alive. Long gone are the times when we would see men go to war because one had simply injured the other. Instead we bear witness to feuds of another sort. Feuds where one wrestler reveals himself to be the true father of another wrestler’s son. Feuds where one wrestler falls in lustful wanting of another wrestler’s girlfriend. Feuds where the source of one wrestler’s supernatural powers is stolen by a corrupt manager, enslaving said wrestler to do heelish biddings against his will.

We live in an age where wrestling is becoming less of a sport than it ever once was. We’re seeing men pass themselves off as women, homes get invaded and the same man die in a different way annually. The point, my friends, is that The Great Pretender is allowing the lines between this world and the world of televised and film fiction blur more than ever.

In fact, those lines have become invisible to him. If rumours are believed, it is film that now dictates who is face and who is heel. It is film that dictates when men are allowed to take much needed time off from the ring. It seems that in this day and age wrestlers have dreams of acting, delusions of grandeur.

Are they really simply just actors before athletes as one man so recently claimed?

I don’t believe so. I don’t think many do. Yet The Great Pretender does himself no favours, does nothing to instil any sense in those who believe themselves to be thespians. Can one seriously compete with Hollywood?

The answer is a resounding no. There may be some faint success to begin with, sure but Hollywood is a machine dedicated to churning out movies with budgets far beyond sensible expectation. Hollywood is a system with a purpose, a purpose it dedicates itself wholly to.

The Great Pretender is the complete opposite. A hypocritical force, the very essence of a jack-of-all-trades and master of none. His original purpose is an after thought, a post script, a forgotten cause. Now all The Great Pretender wants is money. Financial conquest.

He makes music, he makes video games, he makes books, he makes magazines and comics…he even makes films.


“…and much more than you think on what you have inside you…”

John Doe is a simple man making a simple living. He is away from his family for most of the year, away from the ones he loves and the home he owns. He is on the road with nothing other than lonely athletes, the hum of a car engine verging on break down and the bitter taste of an empty bottle for comfort.

John Doe gets no union, no health care provided, no dental plan. But he doesn’t mind. He’s earning a nice little wage, getting to see the world and meet some of the most loyal young people on the face of the planet. John Doe may not be happy but he is contented.

Then he gets a cheque and a letter through the post. It’s his severance pay. The letter is nothing more than a cold thanks and goodbye pat-on-the-back. He’s told in the current economic climate cost cuts need to be made, savings undertaken. He’s told some think it’s only going to get worse; he’s told his boss thinks he’s an unnecessary cog holding up the smoothly oiled machine.

John Doe always knew his boss was a senile old loon too in love with his own hype to know when to step down and retire; he always knew his boss was out of touch not only with the industry he was born into but with reality itself; he always knew his boss was a right-wing, hypocritical pessimist with no political acumen and even less common sense. He never thought it would get to the point where he, among others, faced unemployment in an age where jobs are scarce and new employers generally disinterested.

Now John Doe has no job and struggles to support his family.

Then a new movie comes out; movie with the lead role being taken up not by an actor but by a roided-up walking cliché. Every line he utters is cheesy, the dialogue corny and the action scenes nothing new. There is little innovative or interesting…or even creative about the whole shebang. But the brand stamp is a familiar one, one that alludes not to the movie industry but to something completely different.

It is the spawn of the Great Pretender. It is inherently flawed by the beliefs of an Oz who knows little to nothing of an industry he has little to no experience in. He tries to compete with the big boys in Hollywood and falls flat on his face in doing so.

John Doe lost his job for a failed venture, the third or fourth or fifth or…well, it doesn’t even matter. Because it isn’t going to stop. Cuts have to be made, savings thought of; oh, but they won’t stop doing something that loses them millions of dollars and focus instead on doing what The Great Pretender is meant to do. No. That would be a sensible decision. Instead they want to make minor savings, tiny pathetic cut backs that achieve little in isolation. They want to cut a wage here, fire someone there, stop flying in the talent even though last minute adjustments are constantly being made, even though said talent don’t get to go home, even though said talent are sacrificing everything and anything of value to sit in an airport lobby and stare at the walls waiting for the call that will tell them when their next job is coming.

And there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Oz is obstinate. Oz has misplaced ambition. Oz calls his folly, vision. He’s surrounded by sycophantic yes-man not willing to point out the truth that is so glaringly obvious to everyone but the big man himself.

The Great Pretender…the WWE and Vince McMahon are in the wrestling industry, not the movie business. If they want to do both then they can do both. But not even the supposed high and almighty Vincent Kennedy McMahon can take on Hollywood and beat it. Not when he knows next-to-nothing about modern day youth and the driving forces in society. Racial stereotypes, tired old concepts, clichéd dialogues and over the top storylines may all work fine in the industry he is slowly eating away at like a stagnant cancer, but it won’t get anyone very far in the world that gets more mainstream media attention in a month than our world will in an entire year.

You see, unlike Hollywood, unlike a cause remaining true to its purpose, The Great Pretender, the man behind the curtain is all over the place. He does everything decently and nothing well. This is not a problem without a solution, it’s just the solution won’t get said.

If you can’t compete with them, if you can’t top what they do best then you turn to what it is you can do best; wrestling.


“…from the beginning.”

Usually I would be content to watch those I despise fail miserably. “12 Rounds” made me smile. I am not usually a bitter man but on occasion I can make exceptions.

But this is a world I love, a world I want to see not only survive but thrive. Vincent Kennedy McMahon has done a lot of good for the wrestling business. Now he is outdoing that with his many constant ignorant mistaken judgements. He has begun to believe his own hype and it seems that despite what the facts of the World Bobybuilding Federation and the XFL tell him, he thinks he can turn his hand to anything and succeed in doing it.

He should stick to what he does best. He should stick to what he…well…what he used to know about. Wrestling. WWE Films is a venture not beyond saving. There are only so many times wrestling fans will go see a movie with the WWE brand stamped on it before they realise each one is going to be as piss poor and shitty as the last. And when that realisation comes then Vince’s latest little escapade beyond what he knows is going to die faster and much more painfully than any of his past mistakes.

The wrestling fans, I dare say, are what are keeping this thing alive. While I can’t speak for all of us and while I am admittedly making some sweeping generalisations here, my assumptions are far from being far-fetched. So what would make us go and watch a WWE movie when we know the track record is dire?

Wrestling. Make movies about wrestling. This venture is fated to fail unless Oz decides to turn it around and finally make a decision that makes some kind of sense. How many wrestlers decide they’d like to be in a movie but claim they’re not very good actors? This world has a rich history that is threatened with being forgotten. It deserves to be preserved in some form of mainstream consciousness. Rourke has proven that our little world can generate some vague forms of interest.

Let us then allow the world to know about Montreal. Let us allow the world to know about the tragedies of this industry. Let us allow the world to know all about this second life that so many people lead. Let them be made aware of how vicious and unforgiving this industry can be.

It has been proven time and again for everyone that wrestling does not get the respect it deserves and that wrestlers are more often than not looked down upon. If we won’t get respect given then let us breed it, let us make it, let us force it out of people. If they won’t sit up and take notice voluntarily then let us pry their eyes open.

Wrestling is an art form that imitates life on occasion. Film is an art form that imitates life more often than not and generates a hell of a lot of money for those that succeed at it. There are so many powerful, emotive stories to be told about this industry, not just from the modern age but from one hundred years ago. Vince McMahon has a monopoly on this industry. He is suffocating it. He is killing it and now he believes he is invincible.

His latest crusade is failing and, in my mind, as Fate has shown me, The Great Pretender need not pretend to be something more than he is any longer. In my mind, as Fate has shown me, it is only through embracing the history of what we all indulge ourselves with that the latest venture into movie making will succeed.

Action movies, horror movies, fantasy movies, they can all be done better and bigger than anything the WWE could produce. Wrestling movies? Hell, if comic books can succeed, why can’t we?


“It’s far, far away – behind the moon – beyond the rain….”

Is it?

I appeal to the forces that be to listen and to know that the solution to the problem is closer than it seems. Sometimes it is the simplest thing to find. Do what it is you do best, do not lose sight of what you were born to be.

Obstinacy, ambition, vision…they can be your own worst enemy Vincent. You’re not invincible. Carry on the way you’re doing and Fate will intervene. You will learn that you make mistakes or you will be doomed to fail in this venture and in the next.

Stretch yourself too thinly and the bough will break. I hope it doesn’t. But if it does, if you carry on, I will watch with glee when your cradle falls.




(Author’s Note: It’s been a while folks, apologies for any rust.)

[Martin Riggs]

Humbug to your claims of rust!

This was wonderful, plan. I really enjoyed reading it, and you had me fixated until the end. And i say this not as a friend, speaking from bias, but as a fellow columnist, speaking out of respect.

Welcome back:

[Lazyking]

that was good, PLAN. I agree that wwe needs to make wrestling movies if wwe studios is to make money. On the other hand, I'm a fan of cena and feel with the right project he could make serious cash but his first two movies (havn't seen 12 rounds yet) are very cliche like u say.

[MyLeeCyrus]

Loved it; you've got a really nice, heelish style to your writing, and its an interesting point that I haven't heard argued before.

I personally think WWE films is doomed whatever it does; theres potential for wrestling based films, but the public interest would wear thing very quickly. Stick to Silver Vision and documentaries, would be my advice to Vinny.

Thoroughly enjoyable read mate, well done

[Box Car Rocco]

Great read Plan and pretty much the truth.

I myself have only seen The Marine out of all the WWE movies and that was because we had a free Rental! Steve Austin said it best in a shoot with The Sun by saying something along the lines of "The WWE fans are loyal and will go see it but they didn't advertise enough outside of the WWE for the Condemned". I think WWE films could succeed if they advertised right.

[Petre Dyche]

Plan, firstly I would like to say this is one of the finest columns I read in recent memory, it's a wrestling column in art form my friend.

I see WWE Films as having two objectives...not lose too much money and getting wrestling/wrestlers 'over'. If the only objective was to make money they'd have shut down long ago. The goal is marketing, and finding a form of marketing that nearly pays for itself is an absolute godsend. (note: The TNA game was used a vehicle to get a new persona over, and it was applauded, despite the game doing drastic numbers)

Maybe it will attempt to become a proper standalone production company one day, but right now it's aim to get people like DiBiase, Cena and Kennedy into the mainstream. Cena is mega-over, as are Kennedy & Kane (despite not actually doing very much for the last 18 months/10 years respectively), and time will tell with Ted jr, so in that regard you could say it is a success already.

I absolutely cannot wait for your next column. Don't leave it so damn long this time!

['Plan]

JohnnyBoomerang ~ Not as my friend? We're not friends?! I jest, I jest. Thanks for reading and feeding back and it's good to hear there's no rust there, as it is good to hear I kept you fixated. Oh and thanks, it's good to be back.

Lazyking ~ Cena's main priority should not be filming movies but constantly looking at improving his in-ring and promo work. You can always be improving as a pro wrestler but he seems willing to allow his ring work and his character to get mired in the same, tired old routines and cliches. I am glad you agree though! Thanks for reading and feeding back.

MyLeeCyrus ~ A heelish style? That's quite interesting. I'd never really considered it, though I guess I was aware that it's always quite pessimistic.... It's a fair point about public interest but the wrestling fan base would surely make it profitable. Who knows, it might even INCREASE the wrestling fan base? I'm just speculating though, of course. I'm glad you enjoyed the column and thanks for taking the time to read and feedback.

Box Car Rocco ~ I'd never really taken advertising into account but I still think it would all fall flat on it's face. There's nothing new or innovative about The Marine, The Condemned or 12 Rounds. As I said, it can be done and has been done bigger and better by the professional movie makers so it's case of sticking to what you know best in my mind. Nevertheless, thanks for reading and feeding back my friend.

Petre Dyche ~ That's quite the compliment my friend and always a confidence booster so thanks! It's an interesting point you raise but I must disagree with it unfortunately. Putting wrestlers in movies doesn't get them over as wrestlers; putting on great matches, cutting awesome promos and putting together memorable feuds gets wrestlers over. It may bring mainstream media attention to the WWE but so would doing wrestling movies which is something, the only thing that WWE could do better than Hollywood and the big studios. I'm glad I've made you into a fan! Thanks for reading and feeding back and expect JB#30 sooner rather than later.

[TheLipBomb]

Great as always Plan.


It's as if you never left. And Thank you soooooo much for not making the text pink. (it's pink, get over it)


Again, well done.

[Leonard]

Hi 'Plan:

I finally got around to reading this, and wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed this work. I think I agree with BCR, in that if more intense advertising outside of the wrestling community was done for these movies, they may have been more successful. You've already made your argument on that point, but I just thought I'd second his thought. Anyhow, great work so...no rust that I can see.

--Leonard

[Mister E]

The tone of this column really sucked me in at the start. The talk of obstinacy, ambition and vision was quite interesting. The quotes that appeared throughout the column were also quite ingenius. A very easy-to-read entertaining column throughout.

I agreed with much of what you said. WWE films i general haven't painted the town read but I do think the Condemned was pretty good. If it was marketed right I think it might have done better. Anyway, grerat column, hope to see more. Eoghan

['Plan]

TheLipBomb ~ It. Is. MAGENTA! But hey, I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading and feeding back my friend.

lenjr04 ~ Hi there! Indeed I have already made my counter-argument so it would be a little redundant to repeat it. Nonetheless, it is of no concern as we're all here to interact and disagreeing on things is what makes us keep coming back for more. Or...at least...something like that. Anyway. Ahem. Your column, while I'm here, is on the top of my to-read list now so expect me to return this favour sometime soon! Glad you enjoyed and thanks for reading and feeding back!

Eoghan ~ Weren't you on the X-Factor.... Sucked you in? Interesting? Ingenious? Entertaining?! Man, I hit the gold-mine! Marketing is certainly an aspect of it, I won't deny but I still think they should still stick to what they know best and that's wrestling no matter what angle you take at it. Still, I'm glad you enjoyed reading and am even more glad you took the time to feedback. Thanks!

[SkittleZ]

Do my eyes deceive me? Why... it's a new column by Plantastic!

LOL @ WWE Films. While the previews/trailers of every movie have looked solid thus far, I have yet to see one of the companies' films and probably never will.

See No Evil seems like a blend of 3 or 4 different horror movies which have come out in the last decade, The Marine came off too generic to garner my interest and Cici proved in one of his columns why 12 Rounds is a waste of money.

It's splendid to see you back in action, homie. Here's hoping the next hiatus doesn't come for a long stretch.

[Roger Murtaugh]

Poor WWE films, The Condemned was decent and See No Evil was better than I expected but can't say the same for the rest.

Welcome back Plan, it's nice to have your narrative voice back. You really have a way of just capturing the reader right from the get go.

I mean it's not like I was secretly hoping the guy who knocked me out of the CSI tournament would just fall off the face of the Earth.



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Now playing: Cannibal Corpse - Mangled
via FoxyTunes

[The Maz]

Sometimes we see you being silly in the lounge and forget just how good you are. You have not missed a beat here and I am glad I have finally found the time to read this. I hope the summer will mean plenty of columns from the Man in Magenta as you are definately right at the top of the CF pecking order when delivering this kind of work.

Oh and I forgot to say that we are pretty much on the same page here.

['Plan]

Candylicious ~ Next hiatus? I promise nothing! Mwuhahahah! I don't intend departing these shores again for a long time, lest circumstance get in my way. Avoid those movies at all costs my friends. Any movie can be made to look good via a trailer and turn out to be rubbish, don't get sucker punched by those pesky things! Thanks for reading and feeding back.

Monkey Man ~ I'll let you in on a little secret my friend. The way I capture the read is really simple. It's this giant magenta coloured e-net you see.... No, I joke, it's really because I'm just an awesome right. *Smug arrogance here.* Thanks for the compliment my friend! And for the record, I'm not falling anywhere. I have this giant magenta coloured e-harness you see.... Thanks for reading and feeding back.

Mazzwin ~ Silly? Moi? Never! Thanks for the compliment man, it's always nice to know you're doing well in these here hotly contested parts. I can't foresee the future but I have a feeling I'll be around here for a long time to come, what with the Smackdown product being as kick ass as it currently is. No disillusion for me in 2009! Thanks for reading and feeding back. Now excuse me while I go play Where's Mazza? in my column. No one steals my page!!!

[XanMan]

Your idea is brilliant in its simplicity, and I really enjoyed the hell out of your writing, as usual, but I still have a problem with you not citing your quotes. If you don't want to do it in the text, maybe you could footnote and cite at the end of the column?