Tetris

[doublehelix]

Wrestling is Tetris.

The All-Around Performer is the L-Block.

The All-Around Performer is a versatile sports entertainer. While unable to close a Tetris, the L-Block can lay the groundwork for Tetri to come. While The All-Around Performer will not—should not—main event nine consecutive pay-per-views, he can lay the groundwork for many terrific cards, and salvage many forgettable ones. The L-Block can fit with any of its brethren, adapting to its surrounding. Rarely is there no room for an L-Block. The All-Around Performer can work with anybody. Every midcard can fit in an All-Around Performer. The All-Around Performer is the L-Block.

The Brawler is the T-Block.

The Brawler is the substance to sports entertainment’s style. While its awkward shape can lead to disaster, the T-Block is surprisingly flexible. While the Brawler’s flashless approach can lead to a clash of styles, his no-nonsense attitude can play off any good opponent. A T-Block will rarely bail one out of a disastrous game, but still more rarely will it cause a disaster of it’s own accord. The Brawler will rarely carry an inferior opponent, but he will never hold back a superior one. The Brawler is the T-Block.

The Hoss is the Square.

The Hoss has a role. While its namesake shape can make it an unwelcome sight, a well-prepared player can fit the Square into a perfect glove. While his lack of athleticism can lead to slow trainwrecks, a smart booker can make The Hoss fulfill his destiny as an intimidating force. A Square is a poor improvisational piece—it can only be useful when started with and planned for. The Hoss has a specific role—he can only compel against certain opponents, in specific angles. The Hoss is the Square.

The Technical Master is the I-Block.

The Technical Master is the well from which all sports entertainers drink. Whatever circumstances have arisen, the I-Block is always a welcome sight. Whatever circumstances have arisen, The Technical Master is always a welcome sight. The I-Block works with everything. The Technical Master works with everybody. The Technical Master is the I-Block.

The Bad Wresler is the S-Block.

The Bad Wrestler sucks. The S-Block is a pain in the ass.

The Booker is the Player.

The Booker is God. While he will inevitably be overwhelmed, the Player controls his own destiny and designs his own downfall. While he will eventually stall, The Booker builds his own success and conjures his own stagnation. The Player must place the pieces where they belong. L-Block. T-Block. Square. I-Block. S-Block. A place for everything, and everything in its place. The Booker must place the sports entertainers where they belong. All-Around Performer. Brawler. Hoss. Technical Master. Bad Wrestler. A role for everyone, and everyone in their role. The Player will fuck up. The Booker will fuck up. The Booker is the Player. They are God. They will fail.

[MyLeeCyrus]

This was really, really wierd. On a scale of "One" to "Top Marks For Originality"... Top Marks For Originality, my friend! I'd love to know if theres a story behind how you came up with this concept.

I enjoyed it; it got a little confusing, mostly because I don't really know what a Hoss is, but it never stopped being interesting.

All-in-all, you have confused the hell out of me, and for this I thank you.

Good job Mr. 'lix

Like only three people will get this, and that's a-ok with me. Edgy in its redundancy. It's good in the same way Shatner's singing career is good.

We should all be so lucky to be able to craft such a masterpiece in two minutes or less. And you're right: damn that s-block to hell. You always end up with the mirror version you don't want and just have to stick it somewhere like when doing a really, really fat chick. Because that's what this terrible cheesy column needs, terribly cheesy metaphors in the feedback.

[sheepster]

Wow. That was superb, sir.

[Tony Starx]

Forgot to mention that the music speeds up while the booker's...booking.

[Lazyking]

LOL, great stuff HElix a little short but good. I agree the s block is an ass.

[Vikodin]

Mylee, a hoss is basically a big guy wrestler.

This was really really really good, and was definitely a bit out there, because it's not something I would have considered before. Reading this has blown my mind almost as much as a Scott Steiner promo would.

Read you next time (hopefully)

[doublehelix]

Hi.

It's MyLee - There isn't much of a story, really. When Rey Mysterio was competing for World titles (maybe he still is? I haven't watched wrestling in a looooong time), there was some grumbling that he was too small to be a legitimate champion, but to my mind, nobody would think Rey beating a guy, say, about Eddie Guerrero's size is ridiculous, and Eddie beating a Kurt Angle isn't ridiculous, and Angle beating a Brock Lesnar isn't ridiculous. In other words, booked against the right opponents, Rey could look as legit as anybody. This idea that small can fight medium and big can fight medium and medium can fight anybody has sort of turned around in my head for a while, and then expanded to brawlers, technical guys, hosses (like Kafu said, just a big guy), etc. Then somehow Tetris got involved and once a hack has a bad idea there ain't no stoppin'.

BC - This is not cheesy I am being dead serious right now you are a dead man

Sheepster - Thanks, Sheep. You should write more.

Tony - The booker is deaf.

Lazyking - I'm trying to write a column, not carve out a 15 minute chunk in your day planner.

Kafu - That's not likely because with any normal columnist you have a 50/50 chance when you click into the columns forum of seeing his name but I'm not normal columnist so AT BEST you have a 25 percent chance and then you take my 75 percent chance of not posting a subtract your 25 percent chance of reading my column and you have a 50/50 chance divided by your 50/50 chance and you have a 1% chance AT BEST of reading me next time.

Source

Thanks for reading guys. I'm glad the response has been positive/bewildered.

[Box Car Rocco]

What an interesting column but I did find myself agreeing with a lot of your comparisons.

The scott steiner reply was brilliant btw.

[Vikodin]

Funnily enough that's my favourite Scott Steiner promo and the one I was thinking of when I posted my feedback earlier.

[Martin Riggs]

Okay anecdote:

In Improv class we had to do a scene, basically called 'Buying A Hat'. Me and another partner had to do a scene where i wanted to buy a hat from him and he wanted to sell me a hat. After struggling through a 3-minute performance, we were told to make it simpler and stop adding useless things to the scene. Suffice to say we repeated the scene 3 more times, taking away bits each time until i literally walked in, got the hat, and left. Whole scene= 5 seconds. And that's the basis for a scene. Get what you want, and don't try to create problems or add things of your own volition.

... If you haven't seen the comparison between that story and this column, do so now.

Good stuff

[XanMan]

It's great to see you writing again, helix. This was pretty brilliant stuff conveyed briskly.

[Stryder]

Very original column here. Only gripe would be that it was a little on the short side. You could have expanded on each of your points maybe by giving examples of wrestlers who fit into each category and examples of how they have fulfilled the description you have given them. Apart from that nice work and ill read you next time.

[Fatalhitx]

This was perfect. I really enjoyed it, and the style here was fresh and innovative.

[airwaves]

Different for sure and a little short.

Other then that, genius!

And fuck the S block.

[doublehelix]

Box Car Rocco - Terrible secret: I had to check Youtube to remind myself what all the Tetris pieces are (I remembered everything but the L-Block and, somehow, the Square).

Kafu - I posted this in the other thread (ENJOY YOUR STAY IN THE COLUMNS FORUM NOW READ IT IT'S BETTER THAN THIS GARBAGE), but for my money nothing tops the stars touching the sky so they can form an equinox so they can see the big dipper, no no no, all they gotta do is come to me becuz I'm the man...with the big dipper.

JohnnyBoomerang - I actually don't think it fits very well, because while the column is >500 words, 90% of that is fat. It's weird, I wrote one of the shortest and most needlessly wordy columns in columns forum history. I finally got my last merit badge! The main point is well taken, though. Like BC said: Quality Defeats Quantity, Second-Round TKO.

Xan - Who knew the best thing for my creative juices would be to not watch any wrestling at all for 18 months?

Alterna-response: I don't understand, is this a joke? Because here's a long, indignant reply:

Stryder - I'm sure a forum full of wrestling fans would appreciate me telling them that The Big Show is an example of a hoss.

Fatalhitx - Just you wait for "Wrestling is Super Mario Bros. 2".

airwaves - If it were any longer I wouldn't have had the patience to finish it. Quite the paradox...it's almost like a metaphor for wrestling.

[Freeman]

Looks like I'm going to get the Gameboy out for some Tetris action! Well done, very entertaining.